Is increased arguing correlated to increase dementia?

In reading this I felt like it was me writing this about my situation with my mother as I am going through the same thing. My mother is 99 years old, closer to 100 she uses her walker which she forget behind quite a bit and does not appreciate being remind she has done so. Every time she has fallen she has the ability to do something she was able to by herself which in turn upsets her as she sees it as another lost of independence. Her health is what comes with aging mainly arthritis in shoulders, knees but nothing major. She wears a hearing but still misunderstands things being said. Her personality has changed and tes I think dementia has a lot to do with those changes. She does knows and understands .
She knows her here finances stands, calls bank for her balance
Knows what is owe in bills and my sister writes the checks for her to see that everything is taken care of or puts some items on auto pay. That about all my sister does. I live with her in the oldest (81 years) of 5 children she gas. I moved out of state 5 years ago to move in with her and I'm it 24/7. I do it all house cleaning shopping (curve side pick up) washing help her with what personal care she needs like helping her shower and dressing. She is still able to use bathroom on her own. My sister (80) and 1 brother (76) live in same town my
other 2 brother (78 n 74) live out of state. We are all fairly healthy except the youngest one he has lots of health issues. I get to keep my SS n retirement but so do they I try to buy groceries by telling mom I'm using reward points on my card due to me and I order creams for her arthritis n clothes like nice house dresses n night gown for her. I do feel so alone and I wonder how long I'll be able to her keep her in her environment. I have fibromyalgia but keep it at under control with meds and the more I move the better it feels as I get stiff if I sit to long but sometimes I get like the energized bunny and that's also tiring I can't wait to hit the bed or more like recliner I have to sleep in as I can not lay flat. I cry and pray God gives me the strength everyday to keep on going but I don't know my mom might outlive me. All this probably didn't help but just know you are not alone. There a lot of elderly being taken care of by some family member and it's not easy I love my mother and know she did a lot n put up with a lot to raise us and I try to remember she was there for me I want to be here for her whatever it takes until it's absolutely not doable anymore

Trust me, I know the feeling. I took care of family members. Two had cancer and the other was mentally disabled. The feelings are the same with taking care of and worrying about loved ones. I got lost somewhere in there.

I was replying to Alvadeers last post and accidentally posted here.

This belongs at the bottom. Need to remove this one and place where it belongs. The edit wouldn't allow me to delete.

First of all, stop instigating arguments. That isn't helping either of you. If you speak badly about your siblings, however justified you may feel, you are speaking badly about your mother's children. How would you feel about someone putting your children down when talking to you?

If you feel the unfairness so keenly, why are you looking after your mum? It sounds as if it's time for you to back off and no longer do the hands on care.

Your mum refusing to wear hearing aids, which she needs, is unreasonable and shows that she isn't able to make good decisions about her health. I think that's a more reliable indication that she has some form of dementia than arguing with you about things you said about her other children. You need to arrange for testing.

Doctors do not gossip about patients. They have better things to do. And so what if other people found out that your mum has dementia (if she does)? I'm sorry, but this is a silly position to take.

It's good that you previously had nice interactions with your mum, but it could be downhill from this point.
You would be better off being your mother's advocate while the everyday care was handled by paid professionals.

Will your mother kick up a fuss about being looked after by others, whether in her own home or in a care facility? Yes. But it sounds as if this is something you can no longer do.

The best think I did for my father as he got more and more combative was to put him into assisted living and allow professionals take over, reduce my everyday presence, Getting him into a community helps with socialization, and licenses people who have far better skills then I in making sure their needs are met and that they are safe.
you can’t talk about decisions or what your doing financially or any of that high level thinking. They can’t handle it. they just need to know you’re taking care of things and they don’t need to worry. Then you can take a break, get a vacation, have time to calm down and I love saying to my dad if you don’t talk to me in a kind way I don’t have to come visit you. He takes all his words back. many times he makes me think of my elementary school students whose minds think on simpler terms. I found anytime I brought up money it was a trigger. i divert and talk about this holidays or a movie or sports something not triggering. keeping it to you have two choices this or this. you pic. minimize it down to few choices. you can have a shower or a sponge bath, your still getting clean but which is your choice.
i found pick one or the other makes them feel empowered over themself still. art of distractions works too. The joy of these facilities is this is how they operate. you have to have two meals a day minimum but you get to pick and you can pick all three. my dad loves that he can pick the food he wants, or which group movie he wants to attend or not. the simplification is better for the brain. If they act irrational in a community (manipulative behaviors) This way they can see a direct reaction of outside people to their behavior being over the top and seeing it’s part of there decline, Peers impact a person wanting to be liked by others. but some have no filter and decline will progressively happen. this place has a memory care unit so that if it get to out of control levels they have personnel to handle it. It’s hard to ease back and let others take the reins and not all financhal backgrounds offer this option. But for family to be impacted by this irrational behavior on a daily is and unfair to the care givers community resources are out there to help you. i found if his primary doctor tells him what I am trying g to say it backs me up and coming from an expert he straightens up and apologizes.
fie me It has created added stress. and it’s been such a relief for my family that he doesn’t rely on me daily and stealing from the time I give to my own children. now I can visit and have dinner and happy moments, you don’t have to micromanage things like medication, bills and more. A home health aide helps in the same way. but my father has gotten so bad with arguing I have decided to give up his POA to a government agency because it has affected my health in a very adverse way and the stress of the arguing has triggered major migraines. i can’t physically do it. i am not qualified or equips for his needs cause they reached a range where he needs this and I need reinforcements. These people are trained in how to handle these events. I can then get up and leave and say I do not have to stay and have you yell at me or abuse me. I can just go home. and I have. but He will call the next day either acting like it never happened or apologizing. having you there is a privilege but not a requirement.

She sounds like she is frustrated. Things don't always make sense and she is angry because things should make sense. Since you are the main person in her life, she unfortunately blames you... and argues with you. It isn't fair and the arguments are probably not true either, but it does clue you in to your mom's mental health.

Please get her to wear her hearing aid when she is awake since there is a direct link between poor hearing and dementia. Also, consider an evaluation by a medical doctor to test for dementia. If need be consider allowing a neurologist to test her to determine type of dementia. In early enough stages, medications can sharpen the mind and memory. In later stages, she may need medications to help her with anxiety and agitation - to help her relax.

A home test for dementia probably won't help you medically or legally to manage her care or make decisions for her. Make up a therapeutic fib to get her in for her free annual Medicare wellness check. Go into her portal and tell her doc your concerns and to please administer a cognitive and memory test (and not just the mini test but like the MoCA test if possible). Then her PoA will need the diagnosis on the clinic letterhead and signed by her doctor. This is what I had to do to manage my Mom's financials.

I have not heard of any at home tests for dementia. Please take her in for testing, so you can rule out other medical conditions that may cause her behaviors. Many people with some type of dementia blame others for misplacing or stealing or throwing out items the loved one cannot recall the location of. They also get frustrated at the additional help that must be provided, because they believe they can do things on their own. It is really no use to remind your Mom about how much you do for her and how little her other children do. If it is dementia, her mind is not processing reality and she will not understand. It also seems to be one of your anger triggers. Getting your Mom assessed will give you a better idea whether she can help the way she acts or not.
If you are concerned about others knowing about her assessment, get a referral to the appropriate doctor in another town. But there is NO SHAME in a Dementia diagnosis. It is a medical condition that affects the mind.
Not everyone has the capacity to be a caregiver, especially for someone who is difficult. There is NO SHAME in that, either. Please get help for your Mom, so you can be her daughter more than her caregiver. Good luck.

oldageisnotfun2,

I think you have come to the right place. I am fairly new but have experience with caregiving for my husband who had ALS. When dementia took over my husband, he became angry with me. I did not argue with him because it did not work. He grew angrier and eventually violent. It cut through my heart. The group I was involved with, helped me get through it. Your mother is very frustrated and angry because this is happening to her. Write things on computer paper with a marker, such as I love you, I am doing my best, anything you have to tell her repeatedly, if possible. All of this because she is losing her hearing.

You must take care of yourself first. Find other support groups and keep this one as well. Put a time for yourself on the calendar and stick to it. Send a link to AgingCare to your siblings offering them support. Ask friends for help.

I hope this helps you.

When you become the caregiver you become the authority, enemy, parent, etc. But we have to. Meds and doctors appointments and bills and groceries and cooking meals and cleaning all have to be done for them. We built a small house in our property for my mom. Her dementia started out slow. My mom became a manipulator. She lied to her Drs and nurses. She pitted me and my adult son against eAch other. He and my grandson helped with her needs. My son finally figured her out. After 5 years she had some serious hospital visits and she decided to stop walking. We couldnt handle her physically then. Long story, but we were able to get her in a wonderful nursing home close by. She used to volunteer there. I was to the point I literally hated her. The fighting etc. Now I spend time with her and we can tell each other we love one another. We were lucky. She had a little savings to spend down before Medicaid kicked in.
All the feelings everyone feels and are talking about are real. Don't beat yourself up. Talk to her Drs and they will guide you to home health and social workers. Good luck on this journey.

Very frustrating, I know. I had a client like this and there was a constant argument with her. I took her to see a specialist and he picked it up right away that she wasn't wearing her hearing aides. He told us point blank that she needed to wear her hearing aides and said that not wearing them was a contributing factor to the cognitive decline. I spent days yelling because she couldn't hear. To tell you the truth, it was one of the worst cases I've ever worked. The agency I worked for wasn't transparent about this case. They couldn't keep an aide on the case. I got one coordinator that told me some of their aides quit after working with this woman. No one really knew what to do with her and she refused to go to an assisted living or memory care facility. One day in one of her better moments, she said; I love you. I guess that's why I stayed because I knew she wasn't always like this. It was not her talking but the progression of the disease taking its toll. I noticed that when we had meals together, she was more herself. I fixed breakfast for the both of us one morning, and she asked me if I wanted some jelly for my toast.

I developed a certain tolerance for verbal abuse because my mother was an alcoholic. Alcoholism is an illness. I noticed that dealing with any type of brain disorder, mental illness or dementia, there are similarities in the verbal abuse factor and sometimes violent behavior. I've had clients that had borderline personality disorder along with physical health issues. It was scary as hell. I didn't stay on these cases long. One thing I learned is that you keep one leg length from someone who is verbally agitated. Keep yourself between the person and your back to the doorway. Keep your cell phone with you and fully charged (in case you need to call for help) along with your house keys.

So, yes; they do get very argumentative and very difficult. My suggestion is don't argue. You can try all of that stuff on the internet, but those people are not living your life on a daily basis. And no, that simulated skit online does not replace real life situations where a client does not calm down and may proceed to hitting or hurting their spouse. This happened to two elderly couples living in my complex. One woman didn't recognized her husband any longer and attacked him on a regular. They both had dementia, and an aide came in to help them with their personal care and housekeeping tasks.
The second couple was a church going couple and would attend neighborhood meetings and did the orange hat patrol in the neighborhood. Her husband got dementia and started hitting her. One time he knocked her down and threatened to kill her with a tire iron. Her son told me about this. He said that his father would say horrible and hurtful things to him. The son moved from another state to help out his parents. I don't think the father ever went to a nursing home. The two couples were related. Both brothers had dementia around the same time. I knew both of these elderly men years before the dementia set in, and both of them were the most respectful and kindest souls you would ever meet. Dementia changed all of that in a matter of a few years.

It's hard and painful for caregivers. My suggestion is to carve out time for yourself. Don't cut yourself off from church activities, friends, family and hobbies. Stay connected to your activities. Stay up on your own healthcare.

oldageisnotfun2: There exists zero reasoning with dementia.

☆It's something that happens to mostly all of them at this stage because so very many of us are going through the same exact things. I don't know if they are angry that they are closer to death or, they're in a lot of pain or they're jealous that you're still able to live your life and they're coming closer to the end of theirs.. they seem so bitter, angry & miserable because they're all behaving like this. And most have some form of memory loss. With or without it, they all seem the same!
I'm at my witt's end.
I, 57 female, relocated from another state. I've been gone 30 years. My mom turned 80 last month. I came home about 5 months ago to be with her and take care of her.
I am staying with her in her senior apartment until I can figure where I want to move, what I want... the areas have all changed & I'm trying to get readjusted to my home city.

It has been a complete nightmare for me since day one. she's got chemo brain from cancer 2 years ago so, a lot of things especially recent or short term... she doesn't remember. but she does remember tons of things & things that happened a long time ago. She plays memory games, watches Shorts vids & tons of news.
But she can never remember where she put something so this happens every day.. we're always looking for something she can't find and then it's blaming me that I did something with it... I told her she's always attacking me when she can't find something...she doesn't take responsibility for her memory loss so that's an argument as well.
We have multiple arguments over the stupidest things. Like, bottle tops... she blamed me because she couldn't find them so, of course I HAD to have done something.
lt's me always defending myself & we begin arguing because she feels it's her "house" and she can say whatever she wants.. so basically talking to you any kind of way which is just insane to me.
I can't handle the environment or this situation. My insides feel like they're exploding. It's hard. So, I'll shut down and stop talking. I haven't talked to her in 2 days.
I'm tired of arguing & I just feel like leave ME ALONE!
Our arguments are like tsunamis and it's never over anything important. It's always something stupid like 2 days ago she was yelling at me because she said I was in the bathroom too long.
Today, as I speak, I have not spoken to her in 2 days. She complains about everything & is the most negative person I have ever met.
It makes me feel bad because here I am arguing with my 80-year-old mom. I'm supposed to love her but at the same time just being around her makes me feel like I can't stomach her.

My doctor put me on pills. They make me extremely sleepy so I can't take those. I tried therapy once.
So my strategy is, when she comes around because I don't want to hear her mouth, I immediately put in my earphones. And I keep my distance & just work at my desk all day unless I go somewhere & I talk to my friends.
I have learned, you gotta let go.. you gotta let them live however it is that they're living, try your best to protect yourself & whatever that means for you.... because they will drag you straight to hell. You'll end up sick, suffering, exhausted, full of anxiety & depressed!
And when they can't do it anymore then, it's time to come in and take over and place them in a facility/nursing home or whatever!
This is by far, the most awful situation I have ever been in!:-(
I do NOT recommend moving in with them or moving them in with you. You'll hate it unless you have an easy going, super sweet, kind mom who allows you to help without her being combative.
I wish you well, peace & serenity!

"Is increased arguing ... dementia?"
Yes, it is. Certainly it is contributory to the brain losing cells and functionality.
Read Teepa Snow's website.
Read books and watch You Tubes on dementia behavior and how the brain changes. There is no shortage of information out there.

You never ever argue. You want away. Period.
If you stay and 'take it,' then consider if this is really what you want to do.

It is tough love. You be as compassionate as you can be while setting boundaries.

I don't know about gossiping medical professionals. This in inconsequential - your mother needs to be tested for changes in her brain chemistry and ability to function / care for her own welfare. If she cannot do that, she needs a person in place legally who can take over her care (and financial) needs.

Gena / Touch

Hey there, just on time. I talked to my mother very badly today, I literally screamed, she made me furious for one more time. My sibling don't care and hasn't even seen her for 5 yrs. Not even calls her anymore. I m exhausted. She s exactly as you described, arguing for pity excuses and I m afraid to talk anymore. I don't know what to do

As long as you do everything, your siblings will let you. Trust me on this. Mine has “ let me” for 10 years. Back off and dump some of it off on them. You deserve a break. But you have to insist. I am enjoying watching him get a taste of what my life has been. I’m enjoying even more getting part of my life back.

I really feel for you, and I'm sorry. It's really tough being a caregiver for a parent who no longer acts the same as they used to. I've been caring for my mom, who has dementia, for the past 2 months. I've had to learn the hard way how to avoid arguments. If you decide to keep caring for your mom (perhaps you have no other choice) you're going to be a lot happier if you:

1) Understand the first rule of thumb: don't reason and don't argue - it doesn't work!

2) Lead with kindness, respect, and compassion. Your mother, though she might not make a lot of sense or be able to do things she used to be able to do, still needs these from you, and from everyone.

3) Realize that she is most likely embarrassed and ashamed of not being able to do things for herself. Picking a fight and being difficult in general is probably the result of her trying to deal with those feelings.

4) Let her be wrong. If she says something outrageous, don't correct her. Instead, say something like "Oh, my gosh!" "Oh, really?" or "That's interesting." You are going to have to accept that your relationship with her is no longer the same. As others have said, you are now the adult. Don't expect gratitude, at first, but if you manage to string together some days when you manage to conjure up some compassion and respect for her, and act accordingly, I guarantee you she will feel it, and you'll get more smiles than arguments.

It's unfortunate that dementia has such a social stigma. But your mother is in good company. It's a very widespread and common condition among the elderly. There is really nothing to be ashamed about. If you can't trust your local doctor, maybe there is one in a neighboring community that would be better? Also, look into whether there is an adult day program nearby for people with memory issues. I've found that to be really helpful for my mom - she goes a few days a week. It's not inexpensive, but it's very worth it. The companionship, social stimulation, exercise and activities are exactly what people with dementia need to keep their cognitive faculties working as long as possible.

Good luck, you can do it!

My MIL is bilingual and she started to show more agitated when she should not express herself with English. My husband and I started to learn Spanish and when we hired aides we also looked for bilingual workers.

The bouts become far less frequent because she had less trouble finding the right words.

It could your loved one is not comfortable any is having a hard time expressing it.

When it became apparent that my Mom's hearing was getting bad and I was having to repeat, talk louder to her and was regularly being accused of "not telling" her stuff, I told her I wasn't going to be her helper in any way if I had to yell at her all day long or in public. She denied she had a hearing problem in the face of all logic and reason (it just made her angry). I told her the hearing test was free and if she was right then I gave her the "trophy" of rubbing it in my face.

Of course the test showed she had hearing loss in both ears. Then the battle of the cost of hearing aids ensued. She thought the Audiologist was "making a commission" on the hearing aids he recommended to us (he was not and in the end she bought them at Costco).

Fortunately she lives next door to me so I always go there in the morning to put them in for her. It has helped a lot. When she starts talking to me without them in I point to my ears and ask if she has them in. Then I never continue talking to her until I get them in for her.

But yes, arguing over dumb stuff, accusing, griping, fretting... it's all part of the package. One thing that did help my Mom was the lowest dose of Lexapro for depression. You might want to consider this for your Mom. She stopped driving this summer and got a formal diagnosis.

You will just need to avoid certain topics with her from now on for forever. Or distracting and redirecting the conversation if it turns negative or attacking. If all else fails to get her off the topic I would just walk away without saying a word and then stay away. I walk away from my Mom or out of her house or hang up on her regularly. I still work part time and have a life outside of being her entertainment committee. And I don't feel guilty doing it. It is what it is. I hope this helps.

Wow! Oh yes great question! I have notice the last couple years my husband has become more intolerant, belligerent n incapable of communicating truth when trying to hold a conversation with him. Wow!

Although there can be many reasons for refusing to wear hearing aids, believe it or not vanity may be at play here. I'm embarrassed to admit that I put off being tested--and found to need hearing aids--until I was 84. ('m 87 now.) I probably needed them at least 5 years earlier but hated the idea of appearing "old". Ridiculous, I know. I AM old.

I'm glad I got hearing aids when I did, and I wear them conscientiously all waking hours. I can't imagine how I got along without them now. I was told recently that I need an upgrade since my hearing has declined further (along with almost everything else about my body). The only thing standing between me and getting the upgrade is the cost, which is several thousand $$$! Once I catch up after paying our ASTRONOMICAL long-term care insurance premiums, I'll start saving for new hearing aids. Vanity has left the building!

With regards to not wearing her hearing aids (and I am only speaking from my own experience), she may be trying to use her hearing as a cover for her cognitive decline. Or feigned helplessness. During the years of early to mid-stage dementia, my mother pretended to be deaf. It seemed so odd that she vehemently refused a hearing test, but fussed about having her vision tested regularly. Now (advanced dementia) I realize her “deafness” meant I had to accompany her everywhere, and answer all questions on her behalf. She’d forgotten her address, phone number, age, etc. Her hearing is fine again, and she fills in any questions with random answers, such as her age being 18.

She was also extremely combative, which I think may have been an attempt to control and direct all conversations. She would steer away from anything she didn’t understand, or start such an ugly fight that we’d walk away.

You put your question under Alzheimer's & Dementia, and Dementia Behaviors, yet it sounds like you're just guessing at this point as to whether your mom actually has either of those right?
To me it sounds like this is more of a hearing problem than a dementia problem, and I would insist that your mom wears her hearing aids all the time or I just wouldn't interact with her until she does.
And you are correct in saying that our loved ones do take out their frustrations on those closest to them so...tag, your it!
It also sounds like you're instigating a lot of the arguments and issues by throwing in her face all the good that you do compared to your siblings and then "elaborate into why each one of them has not done anything for her care."
I mean what do you expect her response to be with you when you talk junk about her other children?
I'm not sure why you're living with your mom, but it sounds like you just need a break. Plan a 2 week vacation to one of your favorite places and mom can either go into respite while you're away or perhaps one of your siblings will step up to look after her.
And if after your wonderful vacation your moms care is still just too much for you perhaps it best that you look into moving out and giving mom the option of moving to assisted living or hiring in-home help on her dime.
Either way you'll be off the hook and get your life back and get back to just being moms advocate and not her burned out caregiver.

Why are you caregiving for her? Is it to have someplace to live?

what I’m doing with my MIL and the hearing loss is that I am refusing to repeat things for her. It’s her issue and she won’t deal with it, so I’m not changing and doing this drama filled conversation with her hearing loss as the centerpiece. She either goes and gets tested or she doesn’t. I’m opting out on this game.

Why in the world would you bicker with your mother about your SIBLINGS?
Do you not understand that they are her CHILDREN?
It takes TWO TO ARGUE and you are one of them, and you are the one with a whole brain.
You also don't seem to understand that one of the hallmarks of dementia is believing that misplaced or gone things have been "stolen".

If you are the one doing caregiving you can forget about/let loose of "grateful" at once. YOU just volunteered to be the most unpopular person in her planet. The daughter goes from being a loving daughter to a caregiver. The caregiver is the jailer, the one who sets the laws, the one with demands "You aren't clean enough, you need a shower, you need to eat, did you take your pills" and I could go on for hours. You will not be liked. You will not be thanked. You will be fought. You represent but one more loss in many losses.

Sadly, I think that your note to us reflects a definite lack of education about dementia. I recommend starting with Teepa Snow videos (many on youtube) where you will see actual interactions.

There is no shame in saying that caregiving 24/7 in home may not be for you. It surely wouldn't be for me! And I learned my limitations early on as a nurse. Easy enough to do three days a week with 5 weeks vacation, fabulous pay and benefits, 12 sick days and 12 holidays. In fact, a delight. But 25/7. Nope. Not for me. And may not be for you either.

Start with ways to educate yourself about the particular dementia you are dealing with. Alz.org has great info.
Then make honest decisions for the future.
And arguing? That's off your place now and forever. YOU are now the responsible one. SHE IS NOT.