Is increased arguing correlated to increase dementia?

Why in the world would you bicker with your mother about your SIBLINGS?
Do you not understand that they are her CHILDREN?
It takes TWO TO ARGUE and you are one of them, and you are the one with a whole brain.
You also don't seem to understand that one of the hallmarks of dementia is believing that misplaced or gone things have been "stolen".

If you are the one doing caregiving you can forget about/let loose of "grateful" at once. YOU just volunteered to be the most unpopular person in her planet. The daughter goes from being a loving daughter to a caregiver. The caregiver is the jailer, the one who sets the laws, the one with demands "You aren't clean enough, you need a shower, you need to eat, did you take your pills" and I could go on for hours. You will not be liked. You will not be thanked. You will be fought. You represent but one more loss in many losses.

Sadly, I think that your note to us reflects a definite lack of education about dementia. I recommend starting with Teepa Snow videos (many on youtube) where you will see actual interactions.

There is no shame in saying that caregiving 24/7 in home may not be for you. It surely wouldn't be for me! And I learned my limitations early on as a nurse. Easy enough to do three days a week with 5 weeks vacation, fabulous pay and benefits, 12 sick days and 12 holidays. In fact, a delight. But 25/7. Nope. Not for me. And may not be for you either.

Start with ways to educate yourself about the particular dementia you are dealing with. Alz.org has great info.
Then make honest decisions for the future.
And arguing? That's off your place now and forever. YOU are now the responsible one. SHE IS NOT.

When it became apparent that my Mom's hearing was getting bad and I was having to repeat, talk louder to her and was regularly being accused of "not telling" her stuff, I told her I wasn't going to be her helper in any way if I had to yell at her all day long or in public. She denied she had a hearing problem in the face of all logic and reason (it just made her angry). I told her the hearing test was free and if she was right then I gave her the "trophy" of rubbing it in my face.

Of course the test showed she had hearing loss in both ears. Then the battle of the cost of hearing aids ensued. She thought the Audiologist was "making a commission" on the hearing aids he recommended to us (he was not and in the end she bought them at Costco).

Fortunately she lives next door to me so I always go there in the morning to put them in for her. It has helped a lot. When she starts talking to me without them in I point to my ears and ask if she has them in. Then I never continue talking to her until I get them in for her.

But yes, arguing over dumb stuff, accusing, griping, fretting... it's all part of the package. One thing that did help my Mom was the lowest dose of Lexapro for depression. You might want to consider this for your Mom. She stopped driving this summer and got a formal diagnosis.

You will just need to avoid certain topics with her from now on for forever. Or distracting and redirecting the conversation if it turns negative or attacking. If all else fails to get her off the topic I would just walk away without saying a word and then stay away. I walk away from my Mom or out of her house or hang up on her regularly. I still work part time and have a life outside of being her entertainment committee. And I don't feel guilty doing it. It is what it is. I hope this helps.

With regards to not wearing her hearing aids (and I am only speaking from my own experience), she may be trying to use her hearing as a cover for her cognitive decline. Or feigned helplessness. During the years of early to mid-stage dementia, my mother pretended to be deaf. It seemed so odd that she vehemently refused a hearing test, but fussed about having her vision tested regularly. Now (advanced dementia) I realize her “deafness” meant I had to accompany her everywhere, and answer all questions on her behalf. She’d forgotten her address, phone number, age, etc. Her hearing is fine again, and she fills in any questions with random answers, such as her age being 18.

She was also extremely combative, which I think may have been an attempt to control and direct all conversations. She would steer away from anything she didn’t understand, or start such an ugly fight that we’d walk away.

Very frustrating, I know. I had a client like this and there was a constant argument with her. I took her to see a specialist and he picked it up right away that she wasn't wearing her hearing aides. He told us point blank that she needed to wear her hearing aides and said that not wearing them was a contributing factor to the cognitive decline. I spent days yelling because she couldn't hear. To tell you the truth, it was one of the worst cases I've ever worked. The agency I worked for wasn't transparent about this case. They couldn't keep an aide on the case. I got one coordinator that told me some of their aides quit after working with this woman. No one really knew what to do with her and she refused to go to an assisted living or memory care facility. One day in one of her better moments, she said; I love you. I guess that's why I stayed because I knew she wasn't always like this. It was not her talking but the progression of the disease taking its toll. I noticed that when we had meals together, she was more herself. I fixed breakfast for the both of us one morning, and she asked me if I wanted some jelly for my toast.

I developed a certain tolerance for verbal abuse because my mother was an alcoholic. Alcoholism is an illness. I noticed that dealing with any type of brain disorder, mental illness or dementia, there are similarities in the verbal abuse factor and sometimes violent behavior. I've had clients that had borderline personality disorder along with physical health issues. It was scary as hell. I didn't stay on these cases long. One thing I learned is that you keep one leg length from someone who is verbally agitated. Keep yourself between the person and your back to the doorway. Keep your cell phone with you and fully charged (in case you need to call for help) along with your house keys.

So, yes; they do get very argumentative and very difficult. My suggestion is don't argue. You can try all of that stuff on the internet, but those people are not living your life on a daily basis. And no, that simulated skit online does not replace real life situations where a client does not calm down and may proceed to hitting or hurting their spouse. This happened to two elderly couples living in my complex. One woman didn't recognized her husband any longer and attacked him on a regular. They both had dementia, and an aide came in to help them with their personal care and housekeeping tasks.
The second couple was a church going couple and would attend neighborhood meetings and did the orange hat patrol in the neighborhood. Her husband got dementia and started hitting her. One time he knocked her down and threatened to kill her with a tire iron. Her son told me about this. He said that his father would say horrible and hurtful things to him. The son moved from another state to help out his parents. I don't think the father ever went to a nursing home. The two couples were related. Both brothers had dementia around the same time. I knew both of these elderly men years before the dementia set in, and both of them were the most respectful and kindest souls you would ever meet. Dementia changed all of that in a matter of a few years.

It's hard and painful for caregivers. My suggestion is to carve out time for yourself. Don't cut yourself off from church activities, friends, family and hobbies. Stay connected to your activities. Stay up on your own healthcare.

When you become the caregiver you become the authority, enemy, parent, etc. But we have to. Meds and doctors appointments and bills and groceries and cooking meals and cleaning all have to be done for them. We built a small house in our property for my mom. Her dementia started out slow. My mom became a manipulator. She lied to her Drs and nurses. She pitted me and my adult son against eAch other. He and my grandson helped with her needs. My son finally figured her out. After 5 years she had some serious hospital visits and she decided to stop walking. We couldnt handle her physically then. Long story, but we were able to get her in a wonderful nursing home close by. She used to volunteer there. I was to the point I literally hated her. The fighting etc. Now I spend time with her and we can tell each other we love one another. We were lucky. She had a little savings to spend down before Medicaid kicked in.
All the feelings everyone feels and are talking about are real. Don't beat yourself up. Talk to her Drs and they will guide you to home health and social workers. Good luck on this journey.

You put your question under Alzheimer's & Dementia, and Dementia Behaviors, yet it sounds like you're just guessing at this point as to whether your mom actually has either of those right?
To me it sounds like this is more of a hearing problem than a dementia problem, and I would insist that your mom wears her hearing aids all the time or I just wouldn't interact with her until she does.
And you are correct in saying that our loved ones do take out their frustrations on those closest to them so...tag, your it!
It also sounds like you're instigating a lot of the arguments and issues by throwing in her face all the good that you do compared to your siblings and then "elaborate into why each one of them has not done anything for her care."
I mean what do you expect her response to be with you when you talk junk about her other children?
I'm not sure why you're living with your mom, but it sounds like you just need a break. Plan a 2 week vacation to one of your favorite places and mom can either go into respite while you're away or perhaps one of your siblings will step up to look after her.
And if after your wonderful vacation your moms care is still just too much for you perhaps it best that you look into moving out and giving mom the option of moving to assisted living or hiring in-home help on her dime.
Either way you'll be off the hook and get your life back and get back to just being moms advocate and not her burned out caregiver.

Wow! Oh yes great question! I have notice the last couple years my husband has become more intolerant, belligerent n incapable of communicating truth when trying to hold a conversation with him. Wow!

As long as you do everything, your siblings will let you. Trust me on this. Mine has “ let me” for 10 years. Back off and dump some of it off on them. You deserve a break. But you have to insist. I am enjoying watching him get a taste of what my life has been. I’m enjoying even more getting part of my life back.

oldageisnotfun2: There exists zero reasoning with dementia.

First of all, stop instigating arguments. That isn't helping either of you. If you speak badly about your siblings, however justified you may feel, you are speaking badly about your mother's children. How would you feel about someone putting your children down when talking to you?

If you feel the unfairness so keenly, why are you looking after your mum? It sounds as if it's time for you to back off and no longer do the hands on care.

Your mum refusing to wear hearing aids, which she needs, is unreasonable and shows that she isn't able to make good decisions about her health. I think that's a more reliable indication that she has some form of dementia than arguing with you about things you said about her other children. You need to arrange for testing.

Doctors do not gossip about patients. They have better things to do. And so what if other people found out that your mum has dementia (if she does)? I'm sorry, but this is a silly position to take.

It's good that you previously had nice interactions with your mum, but it could be downhill from this point.
You would be better off being your mother's advocate while the everyday care was handled by paid professionals.

Will your mother kick up a fuss about being looked after by others, whether in her own home or in a care facility? Yes. But it sounds as if this is something you can no longer do.