Dad is 84 and in poor health. He's currently living with my brother and sis-in-law (SIL) and has been there nearly 6 months now. Needless to say, he's changed their lifestyle. He's often unsteady on his feet, has "accidents" often, and needs to be watched/looked after whenever he's awake. My SIL, fortunately, doesn't work outside the home and is available to keep an eye on him all the time and she's doing a wonderful job. However, his care is taking it's toll... my brother says my SIL falls into bed each night totally drained of energy. Neither he nor her are getting a full night's sleep, as he's often up during the night to "fix" himself something to eat and one of them needs to get up and watch to make sure he's safe. Half the time, at these times, he's confused and doesn't even know where he is or what's he's doing. He cooks food in the microwave for 5.00 minutes rather then 50 seconds, turns on the water and leaves it running, etc.. I think you all know the situation I'm describing.
I've been talking to him over the last few weeks about his need to compensate my brother and SIL beyond just paying his living expenses (share of the groceries and utilities). I've proposed he pay 1,500.00 to them, above and beyond those costs.
He's got the money to do it and he's agreed with me that they are going far above and beyond as far as their care of him is concerned...but it's been three weeks and he's not paid a thing yet. My last conversation with him ended with his saying that he wants me to "put it in writing" what I want him to pay and why he should pay it.
So I need some help...I've researched the cost of in-home care in his state, but I need to write more then just that...it's the why he should pay them question that I'm not sure how to put in writing. I don't want dad thinking that my bro and sil are caring for him only for the money... I'm the one who brought up the whole thing in the first place. Both my older brother and I (who live in a different state from caregiving brother and SIL) are on board with this... I'm POA for dad though, and that's why I'm the one ram rodding this.....he does tend to listen to me on matters of finance, although he is his own Trustee with me as co trustee.
Anyone have any suggestions as to what I can say that would convince Dad that paying them is the right thing to do?
Thanks for any helps in advance and happy caregiving everyeone!
I have to admit, reading so many of the discussions here at aging care have helped to guide me in this as much as anything else. I love that the advice in here helps me to look like I know what I'm doing when I'm really just learning from those who've been through it all before me. It's not only in my dad's best interest to see to it that my brother and sister in law are well taken care of, but also will help give peace of mind to both myself and my older brother who are far away and can only offer advice. It's simply a win/win situation for all of us.
I also owe much to my mother who talked my dad into choosing me as the POA. She was the family peacemaker, always solving disagreements in such a way that everyone was happy, not afraid to seek out books by experts for answers from those who had been in similar situations and I followed in her footsteps (using Google now, rather then the library though). She knew I'd be the one to reach out, seeking knowledge and advice to help make decisions in situations I knew little about. I think she also suspected dad would see her in me and be more inclined to listen to me then to my brothers. She died 6 years ago from Cancer...she went quick, but was bright enough to take care of business before she went. I do miss her so much...she was a brilliant woman.
In 2012 some organization mounted local attorneys as candidates for judgeships. The flyers sent out were so amateurish - a man and female standing back to back grinning, like two little kids who just finished playing on one of those little merry-go-round things. Not something you'd expect of a judicial candidate.
The whole approach was so amateurish, but the interesting aspect was that I couldn't figure out who their backers were. The candidates themselvs had little public presence. I traced the backers to some unknown outfit in Virginia (more beltway bandits?) and that's as far as I could get.
I found it interesting that our local circuit court elections were targets for some unidentified interests.
Now it's legalization of marijuana. Several cities in this state have been targeted by a man apparently with enough money to make this his calling. Too bad he doesn't donate it to a worthy charity organization instead.
Your comment on GWB gave me my laugh for the day. Do you remember when folks used to protest the choice of candidates by writing in "Donald Duck" or some other cartoon character? There was another one too - can't remember the name (on the tip of my tongue) but it was a comic character, from MAD magazine I think.
dont generalize too much about male attitudes . we'dda had a woman as our last president if id had my way . i voted for hillary in the primaries but our elections are a farce . somehow the press and the money men install who they want . aint no dam black man won no dam presidency in this dam redneck country . im tickled to death with the guy buy he did not win the vote in the usa , electoral or otherwise .. its a procession of political correctness . remember gwb ? yup , we even had to have an intellectually challenged ( retarded ) president to keep the procession looking fair . next itll be some gimped out sob in a hoverround , then probably hillary
I'm really glad this has worked out so well.
Well, that's not QUITE the last thing you'd want. The LAST thing you'd want is for your brother and sil to think they're being taken advantage of by someone who doesn't appreciate what they're doing for him.
IMO, if you list a whole bunch of things they do for him, you've given him arguing points that he can refute. "They cook for you" becomes his focus...."They hardly EVER cook for me! I cook for myself." In one way or another, you make his argument for him. Point after point, you've given him things he can refute taking his focus off "the big picture". So, I'd suggest something like this:
The reason you should be paying your way, dad, is because everyone pays their way. In an assisted living facility, you might be paying $1500 a month or more--if you even QUALIFY for assisted living. If you need full-blown nursing home care, that figure could be $5,000 or much more.
If you live anywhere other than with _____ and _____, your needs will be secondary to the expediency of staff. Nowhere on EARTH would you get the loving attention that you get here with ______.
_____ and _____ have given up their privacy and peaceful life to give you the greatest gift of all. A circle of love that cares for you and keeps you safe. You're so loved here.
What were you doing at their age, Dad? Were you caring for an elderly parent, helping them keep their independence? Were you sleeping with one ear open so you could hear their footfalls in the middle of the night and get up to make sure they were safe? Were you helping someone to the bathroom five times a day? Fixing their medicines? Taking them to the doctor? [List a bunch of stuff here.]
We both know you weren't. _____ and _____ are giving you a precious gift. Honestly? Money can't even buy that gift. But giving them $1,500 a month [or whatever] shows them that you value everything they're doing for you. It pays them back in a small way for the sacrifices they're making every single day to care for you. It's the very least you can do.
You [and mom] saved all of your lives for a rainy day. It's pouring outside now, dad. Time to help the very people who are holding your umbrella.
It is my sincere wish that you agree to help out _____ and _____ by paying $1,500 a month toward your care. It's the right thing to do. [If you pay his bills for him, continue with this....] Starting August 1st, with your permission, I'm going to start showing them how much we appreciate all they do for you.
I love you dad. We ALL love you. I'm so happy for you that _____ is in your life at this time. You raised a wonderful son. And daughter, of course. ;)
Love,
Dustien
Good luck, Dustien!
The letter's been written and emailed to brother. I asked him and SIL to proof it and let me know if they thought I should add anything, but I really think this is just a formality at this point now. I think dad realizes he should be helping out and that the letter is going to set his mind at ease that the amount mentioned isn't at all out of line, that, in fact, it's a really good deal for him!
You guys have all been great! I'm going through right now and LIKING all your posts!
Ba8alou...SIL is 54... My niece, who lives close and is a stay at home mom, will be paid a portion of the 1500.00/mo to be up at night with him, at least while her husband's not working and can take care of their children (he's on unemployment because of a layoff)...she's a night owl anyway and has already volunteered to help.
assanache7 - Dad won't sign a contract without first having all his questions answered. If I could sit down with him and go over everything and then have him sign a contract I'd give that a try, but I'm in another state and have no time to get together with him for at least a month. So the letter it will have to be.
Ba8alou...we all made a pact with mom before she died to take care of dad and to do all that we can to keep dad out of a nursing home. My brother in law and SIL will exhaust themselves to the point of no return before they would ever consider it, and I'm right there behind them. Dad's always been a wonderful kind man and we all agree, even with his stubborn frame of mind now, we couldn't have asked for a better dad. He's always been there for us and we need to be there for him now. He would have to be really bad off and impossible for any of us to care for before we'd let him go into a facility.
We just need to convenience him to pay SIL and brother for their care of him. If he doesn't then I'm going to try convincing SIL that she needs to find a part time job (even if it's McDonalds) and then hire someone to come in and care for dad while she's at work. Bet it won't take long for him to figure out that he needs to pay her for his care instead of her working to contribute to the household budget while he pays a complete stranger to care for him (one who won't take him to the casino).
Thanks again...this forum and you guys are the BEST!
How old is your SIL? Not getting sleep is a silent killer.
IMO he's just trying to delay forking over the dough..
Ask him if he wants to continue living with your brother or move to NH...
End of story..