My daughter is a nursing student working as a caregiver for an elderly woman living in her daughter's home. She often witnesses the daughter (call her J) yelling at her mother, intimidating her, threatening to throw her out if she doesn't do/not do various things, not giving her mom her 6 am meds because she "didn't want to wake her," and leaving her in bed for extended periods. Today, the woman told my daughter she really wished she knew why J doesn't like her.
More experienced caregivers in the home have just told my daughter that "J gets like that" and to just ignore it. My daughter is having a hard time doing that, but doesn't want to quit, hoping she is a positive in the lady's life. She also hesitates to make a report, fearing that investigation will worsen the woman's situation. She is also hesitant to open the subject with J, who is apparently pretty intimidating, for the same reason - as well as wanting to keep her job.
I've offered all the ideas I can think of - can anyone offer some advice? I know that there is likely a lifetime of baggage that impacts the pair's current relationship. As an outsider, the situation looks like emotional abuse to me, as well as possible neglect.
For those who are wondering, I am aware that me posting rather than my daughter is odd. She just texted me on a break while at work, upset about the latest interaction, so I thought I'd get the ball rolling.
Thanks!
I know I'm not abusive or neglectful. I know I just have a difficult mother that I have no way of controlling. But she seems so sweet to everyone else, so if they took a single snapshot, it could make me look bad.
It may be that the daughter is tired and resentful and really shouldn't be a caregiver for her mother. But it could be something else entirely different. We can't tell by getting a snapshot of their lives. I would look longer and harder to see if the arrangement is beneficial or hurtful before I would cause potential damage.
As for not waking her for meds and letting her stay in bed all day, there are times when I have done the same with my mom, so again it all needs to be taken into context. If her needs are met most of the time a little flexibility is usually not going to be harmful.
I'm not saying your daughter should turn a blind eye to obvious abuse, but she is a brand new (idealistic?) young student nurse who perhaps has not had much life experience. The other caregivers seem to agree the caregiver daughter is pushy and can be unpleasant, but they don't seem to be concerned for the mom's well-being. Is there a school counsellor she could confide in and ask for advise?
I think I would take a different approach. Your daughter can speak privately with "J", emphasize that she's a nursing student and is anxious to learn all she can, especially about a caregiver's family dynamics as well as the relationship between the elderly person and her/his caregivers. Make it a general statement and inquiry, and a quest for advice and counsel for a young novice from an experienced caregiver.
Perhaps J will be flattered that her opinion is valued and be more candid in sharing her experiences and position. And it might even be the only compliment she gets for her labors.
I suspect many of us caregivers have at one time or another become exasperated and said things we later regretted. It happens. It's a tough job. No one knows how tough if they're not viewing it from the caregiver's perspective, and that includes people who see the care from a clinical perspective.
Those who aren't caregivers haven't been up all day caring for someone, nor have they been up all night in an ER waiting room and then a hospital room when conditions arise that could have been handled earlier if an elder person hadn't been uncomfortable, frightened, or unwilling to get help.
It is to the nursing student's credit that she's concerned, but things are not always as they seem to be, and it's not easy to get beyond appearances to determine what the real situation is. That's why I suggested she try to become more friendly to J to get more information before acting.
And sometimes intervention can backfire; if APS determines there's no abuse, the trust between the nursing student, J, and her mother have been permanently damaged.
I read over the link with abuses that were on the site that Jude gave. These included calling people "dear" or making them do things they didn't want to do. So making them bathe or eat would be emotional abuse. I do think that list needs reworking, because some things that are counted as emotional abuse in one area are also listed as neglect in others if they aren't done. Should we make them bathe or not? Should we keep encouraging them to eat or not? Should we let them eat ice cream and cookies only or give them nutritious meals? It depends on which abuse section you're reading at the moment. :)
Fortunately, most of us know when we are doing something we shouldn't. If someone isn't able to stop it, then they need to stop being involved in care.
On a lighter note, when I read the emotional abuse part, almost every one of the things are something my mother does to me every day. Should I report her for elder abuse? I mean, after all I am over 60. I guess since she is 88 she can do it to me, but I can't do it to her.
A student nurse shouldn't feel as though she's put on the spot. And presumably the care organization has a chain of command.
The supervisor can consult with others on the team such as those who've advised the student nurse, and can draw her own conclusions. That's part of being a supervisor.
The student nurse isn't put on the spot for either causing trouble or ignoring abuse. And actually, as a student, she shouldn't have to make that call in the first place.
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