Wife committing elder abuse. I think?

If authorities came in (the APS for example) and asked him if he is abused, what would he say?

Does he want someone to intervene? Where would he rather live than in her house? Would he prefer a nursing home?

I certainly understand your concern and worry. If you had your way, what would be a perfect solution?

Mostly I want to hear what Dad thinks about his situation.

worriedinCA2, the thing that sticks out here is the lack of a good relationship between you and your dad's wife. Try and repair it and you'll get further. Understanding that this lady may not be doing things your way, but the fact is she is taking care of your dad. An 84 year old woman who is caring for her husband and her dependent son needs to be tough - I cannot imagine how difficult that would be at that age, or any age for that matter. I'm not sure I'd be concerned so much about his wife taking some of his "extra money" unless she is lavishly spending on herself. Men from our dad's generation feel it is their duty to provide for their wife, and perhaps that's how he sees it too. I'd keep a close eye on your dad, at the same time show your dad's wife that you're not the enemy, you truly care about both of them. As a caregiver we often feel judged by others who find it easy to criticize our methods, yet wouldn't walk in our shoes for all the tea in China. Good luck!!

The responses seem to have covered lots of bases in this very difficult situation. All good advice, but let me introduce another perspective - that of the step-mother. My second husband is 10 years my senior and whilst not requiring a carer and being in good health, he is only in that situation because I take care of all the food and administrative requirements whilst he entertains himself on his computer or watching catch-up TV. He has two daughters, both busy with their own lives, and who only get in touch when they want something, i.e. money. If they visit they expect their travelling expenses to be refunded. In the last couple of years my husband has had two bouts of pneumonia in quick succession, both of which I nursed him through, and neither of which prompted a visit from his daughters as they were too busy to make the 2 hour train journey, and in all honesty he didn't want to be bothered with them. Nonetheless, I had several phone calls to the effect 'look after Dad won't you' - 'have you done x, y or z?' I class this behaviour as unwanted interference and indicative of guilt on the part of both daughters. They both want the comfort of knowing that their elderly dad is being looked after without actually interrupting their own lives, and doing anything themselves to contribute towards his care. Unfortunately, step-mother/daughter relationships can deteriorate in such situations - basically the step-children are totally uninvolved yet somehow feel they can pass judgement. You say your dad is living in your step-mother's house. I can see that your step-mother's son may feel exactly the same way towards your dad as you do towards your step-mother - 'blood's thicker than water' etc. He might wonder why his mother did not go to live in your dad's house and why, essentially she is providing him with a home. What happened to your dad's house when he re-married? Did he keep the proceeds for himself or give some to his new wife in recognition of his accommodation and care? You say you know your step-mother's son is a drain on their financial resources but do you actually know this to be true? And if your step-mother is his full-time carer what do you think that care is worth? Is all the money the step-mother's wayward son has supposedly 'taken' more or less than it would have cost you to take care of your dad (i.e. give up your job, get a a bigger house with a bedroom/shower room for your dad, sacrifice your social life). It's not easy to look after a 96 year old when you yourself are in your eighties. As a way forward and if you are really serious, you should turn up on their doorstep and confront the situation. Say you want more involvement in your dad's life. He has two choices, either he says he also wants that and if your step-mother refuses you can legitimately pack his bag and take him home with you. If he feels he doesn't want to leave her but still wants changes, you can approach social services with all your concerns, but if he says he's happy with things how they are, you have no right to interfere. And remember that if you're not sincerely prepared and able to look after him 24/7 yourself you need to think very carefully about suggesting your step-mother is not capable because you could really damage their relationship which might be completely different from what you think it is. Do not get me wrong here, if your dad is being abused, left without food, prevented access to medical care, this has to change - but if the situation really is that he can't make himself even a sandwich it seems to me that your step-mother has her hands full with him and deserves a weekend away from him without being berated for this. You need to see this situation from all angles and I hope you can put yourself in her shoes before doing anything drastic.

PS: my sister list her house and moved back into mum and dads.
Pays no rent. Borrows money she has no intention of paying back. Makes a mess and dors not clear up.
HOWEVER... I would not want her out of the house as it is VERY reassuring to have her there for mum whilst she was alive, and for dad now he is alone.
Ironically she is the one that is most useless of all of us, but she is there when none of us can be.
Dad is talking about selling the Big House and moving into warden assisted community (I'm trying to get him to move to my town, only 17 miles from where he is now) so my son and I can see him more often (I drive over every Sunday, and tale time off work twice a week on the quiet to do jobs that need doing as my sister is not at all practical)

Whilst I moan about my 'useless' sister, she is there for dad in that big house, so until he moves to somewhere safer she is doing us all a favour.

Your stepmum's son is probably providing the same support to you, though you are focussing on the negative side of him being there.

Try to look at this all from a different angle before condemning stepmum and step brother.

Can your dad pick up a phone and dial out? Then he can call for his own GP.

Is he the type to moan behind everyone's back? (Mine is! He causes a lot of conflict between my siblings and I!)
Does he moan to her about you?

She is elderly too, it's a tough job.
I know it's hard but try really sympathising with her. Thank her for looking after your dad. Acknowledge it is hard.
She may respond differently to that.

I asked Dad yesterday, if he had his choice would he rather stay where he is or move to an assisted living place that he's had in mind for years. He responded that within six months, a lot of money would be gone. I let him know that he is fortunate that money is no problem and that it's his money to spend. He worked for it! For right now, he's choosing to remain where he is. But he said that "maybe one day, I'll pack up my stuff & head over to Casa Grande".

I'm glad you talked to him. Maybe it would be good to encourage him to moe to Casa Grande while he still has some health to enjoy it, if that is what you think is best.

Then it sounds like you need to up the ante to get him away from her in her present illogical state, at least for a bit until he has the freedom to really decide for himself. 1. don't ask, just INFORM her that he has family who want to visit with him at your house. Or say that if she doesn't allow you to take him to a doctor or dentist appointment, she could be liable for neglect, "and none of us would want that." 2. Make a list of key points and keep repeating them. (For instance: "Dad's needed here right now. I'm sorry if this inconveniences you, but I am taking my Dad to see family, and I have a perfect right to do that. I'm not asking anything unreasonable. I wouldn't want to have to get the authorities involved. 2. Hire or Enlist a mediator or intermediary to deliver the message and get her agreement to the visit. They can, at the same time, assess her mental state. Don't give up. He's not at full capacity, and needs your advocacy. Be firm, calm, and persistent.

I share Singingway's level of concern, but I see a problem with the plan, which is that unless Dad agrees to it he's going nowhere. You can't just go get him.

Given your father's serious medical issues, he presumably has regular contact with health professionals of various sorts, does he? I'd find that reassuring because if he were at risk of neglect or abuse there are people on the scene who should be able to pick it up. Do you ever speak to anyone like that, his doctor or similar?

There are two different things. The first is that in view of your father's age it is obviously reasonable to want to spend time with him. If she is obstructive, can you stay anywhere else locally so that she - how can I put this - won't have to interrupt her social whirl to cater for you? That you can do without anyone's agreement: stay for a week or so, and drop in at good times for your father.

The second is concern that his health and wellbeing will suffer from her inadequacies as a caregiver. From what you've said, I don't think you've got much to work with: he is being looked after, generally it isn't unreasonable to give it a couple of days before consulting a doctor, and most importantly he's going reasonably strong in spite of many health issues at 96 - she must be getting something right.

On the other hand, at 84 it can't be doing her any good to be his primary caregiver - it's too much. What you could do, depending on how these services are structured in the area, is call their local social services office, explain your concerns, and seek advice. What I would expect them to do, if they think it's necessary, is visit the home and check everyone is ok. Your stepmother might still have a fit about it but she'd be wrong to - there is no reason to resent social workers taking an appropriate interest in the living situation of vulnerable elders.

I'd agree with you that she probably is worn out from caregiving, but I can tell you from experience that unsolicited intervention from family members can be extraordinarily annoying. And as you say that she hasn't ever be what you would call friendly towards you, I wouldn't assume that her screeching at you is directly related to fatigue.

I'm sorry for it that relations have never come right between you and your stepmother, but as has been pointed out… he married her. She's the boss. Tread carefully, and with any luck persistence will pay off, you'll be able to visit your father more, and your mind will be set at rest.

I thank all of you for your considerate posts. The update from this end is that she & I have spoken. She defended her actions and I agreed with her wherever I could. I called over this morning and she was pleasant. The one thing that came from the conversation is that we are welcome to visit anytime we'd like (such as once a week), whether she is home or not. This I a huge improvement over the past. I'm hoping this will last & will not be a fleeting situation. Thanks again, everyone! You have a great venue here for being of service to others in need. Blessings.

My dad was just as controlling over my mum as your stepmom is being. (But he would never have left her alone...)
It was a nightmare. He stopped all her friends coming to see her 'She's not up to visitors' (when she absolutely was)
He even would try to put us off coming over.

This was twofold:
1. He was a total control fanatic, and him having control over mum's tablets and food and just about everything else played into that massively (he made a big so g and dance about how 'complicated' her meds were.. I wanted them ona chart in the kitchen so we could all know when what was due. Was terrified of something happening to my 89 year old dad, and none of us knowing when to give mum meds!

2. He was terrified if losing her. He wouldnot even allow carers in to help wash her.
We had HUGE arguments over this. I called her GP many times with my concerns over her health and my dad getting burnout, but this GP was useless. Said he'd work with dad to persuade him to allow carers in anda physio, but was totally namby pamby and let my dad ignore him.
GP then ignited my many warnings about UTI I thought she'd contracted (bloods showed infection markers clearly) Took her off antibiotics before he should have, and a week later mum is in intensive care with insane infection losd (CRP 295!! 10-30 is normal!)

My mum never came out of hospital and died 8 weeks ago. (Hospital acquired pneumonia)

I regret to this day not calling an ambulance, or just putting mum in my car and driving her in!

My dad has admitted he now deeply regrets not listening to me. He minimised her illnesses because he was terrified of her going into hospital and not coming out. He never told tge doctor or district nurses just how bad she was (bl**dy nurses saw her twice a week to change her leg bandages, they saw how bad she was and should have absolutely flagged her condition as one requiring hospitalisation.. GP never came to the house, just 'phone' appts via dad! Disgraceful!!)

Two pieces of advice:
1. Your stepmum may be like my dad was... dad adored mum yet his controlling behaviour actually caused her death (I would not say that to him, too cruel, but true!)
Maybe try to see it from her side, ask how she is feeling. What worries her? Sound sympathetic.
I can imagine she may feel under attack so goes into defensive mode? (My dad saw any offer as help as our saying he couldn't cope! Got very shirty.)

2. Not sure how close you live? I would call him saying I was driving past and desperate for a pee or a cuppa and could I pop in...ALWAYS worked.
Yet if I planned a visit ie: coming for lunch and the afternoon, he'd always call in the am, say mum was not up to it, and put me off!
(Even if she was a little under the weather she was always happy to see me and my son.
I'd get my son to distract dad whilst I cut the grass/cleared the garages/various piles of newspapers/junk tgat seem to build up around old people's homes... old men find it physically impossible to throw a newspaper away!!! Why is that??)

3. If you are really concerned first call your dad's GP. You are allowed to state your concerns and ask him to keep an eye out.

4. If your GP does nothing, then don't worry about your stepmum's reaction, call the social services and get them involved... I worried about upsetting dad, and now my mum is dead.
I will always regret not following my gut instinct.

If you cannot find a way to get your concerns across to your stepmum, then go over her head.

But if your dad is happy with her (12 years married?) then maybe he wants to die at home with her around?
You don't really know what goes on behind closed doors. (that's what baby monitors are for ;)