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I came to these forums a few months ago and during this short time have read so many posts regarding dysfunctional families. I come from a similar family background with parents who stayed in a very miserable marriage for monetary reasons. My sister and I have lived with those psychological and emotional scares from our childhood - but we provided support to our parents in their elder years out of family obligation.
Our father for many years refused to see a doctor for GI issues and high BP. When he could no longer pass a BM (age mid 70's), I convinced him to see a doctor who confirmed blockage from tumor and colon cancer. He had surgery and discharged himself from the hospital against medical advise - cursing me for influencing him to seek medical care. Then over the next few years he had multiple strokes after refusing to go to a doctor for BP control. Family went through the stress of getting him to the ER/hospital/rehab until he finally became so disabled that he required NH care. He was always a miserable person and lingered for 5 years under those circumstances passing at age 89.
Next our mother in her later years, who was also a very difficult person had declined in health after multiple TIA events. Huge fight to get her to stop driving (age 92) and move into private AL apartment. Later she had more health issues hospital /rehab that required NH care in early 2020 - she is still there now age 95. Sadly she has always been a very unhappy person looking back on her life at least from a child's perspective.
I agree with comments that people who came from happier and healthy home life backgrounds and parental relationships will not be posting here. They never dealt with our childhood with these stressful family dynamics - I do envy them.
My dad same stuff. He is not abusive or mean or anything. However for years refused to go to doctors appointments or follow up if he did. Now he has stage 4 prostate cancer that has spread and severe glaucoma. In addition to that he is having delirium since he has been in the hospital and now rehab. My sister sits on the phone 2 and three hours several times a day and at night because he calls her panicked. I told her she cannot keep that up. It is wearing her down physically and mentally. I also asked for a psychiatric consultation for him as well.
no. there are just as many mean/abusive parents in the world as there always was, since the beginning of time. (i counted all of them 😊).
some parents are sweet. some parents are abusive.
"Is it because caregivers are so empathic?"
no. don't blame yourself. don't blame other caregivers. it has nothing to do with you.
you could be a super mean person -- your parents would still be abusive to you (if they're abusive people). it changes nothing.
-------- so why are there so many abusive parents, on this forum?
because people who have wonderful, sweet parents don't need as much support. if you're having an awful time, you're more likely to reach out to a forum. if you're having a wonderful time caring for your sweet elderly parents, you're less likely to reach out to a forum: you're too busy being happy.
caregiving can create lots of trouble (stress, ill health, financial loss, opportunities lost, time lost, etc.) to the caregiver. if you add on top of that, totally unnecessary abuse by the very person you're caring for (whether the abusive parent is in a facility, or at home)...no wonder you need more support.
I think it's the result of much more information, attention that is being given to narcisissm over the past few years. Narcissists have been able to hide their awful behavior for such a long time, and got away with some truely rotten things they've done to family, friends and coworkers. Isn't it interesting that when you read about someone's narcissistic behaviors here, you just nod your head in agreement and think "ooohh yeeahh....that's sooo familiar to me!" Now we can and do compare notes-kind've like sizing up the school bully, enough of us band together, that person knows they're loosing any way of harming us. I was my mother's caregiver and she was one, I dealth with it. It's not easy, I know I did my best and that's all I could hope for. She thanked me once or twice during the entire time. Which I did not expect. Oh well. So....this is the kind of forum that is needed for those of us who are going through the wringer of dealing with very difficult people who are, on average, very ill. As pointed out, those caregivers who are in much better, healthier family dynamics probably do not have a need for a place like this, and that's ok. Then, there's the rest of us, trying to get through yet another day of caregiving to a narcissist. Keep coming back, you are not alone.
I totally agree, I am very grateful to have found this place. I’m a part time caregiver and my month dealing with my parents begins next week, I feel as though I’m going off to serve a prison term. It’s a thankless job dealing with my 94 year old parents and I’m so **** depressed. Sad to say I cannot wait until this soul sucking slog is over.
The posts I write are mostly for myself. It’s cathartic and way cheaper than therapy. It also helps to know I didn’t corner the market on miserable family members and there are others who are managing to deal with the hand that was dealt to them.
I think that narcissists raise children to "serve them" because for them it is all about THEMSELVES. It is hard to break out of the habitual behaviors we are taught as children. My parents were loving and independent and they raised me to be independent as well, my Mom having told me "because that's what the world will demand of you". They prepared themselves for age and moved into care earlier than I thought they needed to, in that they went into a "village" environment where they had first their own duplex and garden, then apartment, then ALF for my Mom after my Dad's death. They kept themselves busy all their lives with their own friends and hobbies. I think it is basically on you, recognizing "where you are" to now get the help you need, whether counseling or other, to recognize that you are grownup and in charge of your own life. That you can "support" but not take care of your elders, and that you certainly aren't responsible for their "happiness". That you can help them find safe environments for themselves, but that that isn't your own home. Consider a few visits to a Licensed Social Worker in private practice for counseling in life transitions. This may help you with suggestions to break out on new paths off the same circle we trudge by habit. I sure wish you good luck. Remember, as far as you thinking "why do so many have" such problematic parents, many of us didn't, and many of us don't intend to be problematic ourselves, but when you come to a Forum you see the ones with problems. I, as a nurse, often saw patients end in the hospital with side effects of this or that. Say blood thinners. Lots of side effects from them! And I got to thinking that they were "bad" because of that. It needs to be said I didn't see the ones for whom they were life savers that WORKED! It's a bit like that!
Because the people caring for caring compliant sweeties aren't having the same kinds of problems and don't need to post angry frustrated rants about it.
When I first came to the forum there were more questions about practical caregiving - how to do things and learning to understand about dementia. The forum seems to have morphed into a place where family dysfunction is the main topic, that's likely because the more you post about something the more it shows up in a google search so it becomes self perpetuating.
The Silent Generation did not have to care for their parents as most did not live into their 90's, also, when I left home I turned my keys in and that was that, no revolving door, they were not involved in being sandwiched. No built in babysitters, no regular flow of money to their children, it was all about them and their lives.
Now, those of that generation are all living too long (as are we boomers), not really living but hanging on, modern medicine is keeping many of us alive into our 90's. My mother is 97, I am 75, she could easily live to a 100.
We boomers changed much of how things with our children were done, we no longer let them do their own thing, we drove them everywhere, we let them move in and out of our houses, we gave them money, we baby sitted the grandchildren, in fact a very large % actually have raised the grandchildren. We created another generation of entitled people. We have come full circle and are in a codependent mess.
My mother is definitely not lovely, she is a B on wheels, she is in AL, we only do what we have to do as she deserves no more than that from us.
Could it be because the people who seek help on this forum are often the ones with these types of parents? Maybe others with "normal" parents are not as often seeking help on forums. Perhaps?
I’m so envious of friends whose parents made their own decisions to go into assisted living or secure in-home care on their own. I also envy those who have sisters or brothers voluntarily pitching in to help. My mother has tried and continues to try to make this all about the two of us with zero support. The psych who analyzed her at the request of the neurologist nailed it when he said she was a controlling, manipulative little thing. She’s trying to build a hell for two and I’m fighting to keep boundaries and stand strong. Searching for elder care attorneys this week. Her attorney, who drew up the POA, her Will and her Healthcare Directive hasn’t or won’t return my calls. Her doctors are brave enough to be blunt with her. She says she’s ‘not as sharp as she used to be’ and that’s all anyone needs to know. I told her that was abundantly clear and obvious to anyone who spends a few minutes with her. I’m standing my ground. I do not let her reduce me to tears. I’m not incredibly nice….
Age and generation, silent generation , especially women living well into 90 and not being prepared for dealing with life, financial issues etc. And expecting children to solve all of it.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Our father for many years refused to see a doctor for GI issues and high BP. When he could no longer pass a BM (age mid 70's), I convinced him to see a doctor who confirmed blockage from tumor and colon cancer. He had surgery and discharged himself from the hospital against medical advise - cursing me for influencing him to seek medical care. Then over the next few years he had multiple strokes after refusing to go to a doctor for BP control. Family went through the stress of getting him to the ER/hospital/rehab until he finally became so disabled that he required NH care. He was always a miserable person and lingered for 5 years under those circumstances passing at age 89.
Next our mother in her later years, who was also a very difficult person had declined in health after multiple TIA events. Huge fight to get her to stop driving (age 92) and move into private AL apartment. Later she had more health issues hospital /rehab that required NH care in early 2020 - she is still there now age 95. Sadly she has always been a very unhappy person looking back on her life at least from a child's perspective.
I agree with comments that people who came from happier and healthy home life backgrounds and parental relationships will not be posting here. They never dealt with our childhood with these stressful family dynamics - I do envy them.
no.
there are just as many mean/abusive parents in the world as there always was, since the beginning of time. (i counted all of them 😊).
some parents are sweet.
some parents are abusive.
"Is it because caregivers are so empathic?"
no. don't blame yourself. don't blame other caregivers. it has nothing to do with you.
you could be a super mean person -- your parents would still be abusive to you (if they're abusive people). it changes nothing.
--------
so why are there so many abusive parents, on this forum?
because people who have wonderful, sweet parents don't need as much support. if you're having an awful time, you're more likely to reach out to a forum. if you're having a wonderful time caring for your sweet elderly parents, you're less likely to reach out to a forum: you're too busy being happy.
caregiving can create lots of trouble (stress, ill health, financial loss, opportunities lost, time lost, etc.) to the caregiver. if you add on top of that, totally unnecessary abuse by the very person you're caring for (whether the abusive parent is in a facility, or at home)...no wonder you need more support.
Isn't it interesting that when you read about someone's narcissistic behaviors here, you just nod your head in agreement and think "ooohh yeeahh....that's sooo familiar to me!" Now we can and do compare notes-kind've like sizing up the school bully, enough of us band together, that person knows they're loosing any way of harming us.
I was my mother's caregiver and she was one, I dealth with it. It's not easy, I know I did my best and that's all I could hope for. She thanked me once or twice during the entire time. Which I did not expect. Oh well.
So....this is the kind of forum that is needed for those of us who are going through the wringer of dealing with very difficult people who are, on average, very ill. As pointed out, those caregivers who are in much better, healthier family dynamics probably do not have a need for a place like this, and that's ok. Then, there's the rest of us, trying to get through yet another day of caregiving to a narcissist.
Keep coming back, you are not alone.
My parents were loving and independent and they raised me to be independent as well, my Mom having told me "because that's what the world will demand of you". They prepared themselves for age and moved into care earlier than I thought they needed to, in that they went into a "village" environment where they had first their own duplex and garden, then apartment, then ALF for my Mom after my Dad's death. They kept themselves busy all their lives with their own friends and hobbies.
I think it is basically on you, recognizing "where you are" to now get the help you need, whether counseling or other, to recognize that you are grownup and in charge of your own life. That you can "support" but not take care of your elders, and that you certainly aren't responsible for their "happiness". That you can help them find safe environments for themselves, but that that isn't your own home.
Consider a few visits to a Licensed Social Worker in private practice for counseling in life transitions. This may help you with suggestions to break out on new paths off the same circle we trudge by habit.
I sure wish you good luck.
Remember, as far as you thinking "why do so many have" such problematic parents, many of us didn't, and many of us don't intend to be problematic ourselves, but when you come to a Forum you see the ones with problems. I, as a nurse, often saw patients end in the hospital with side effects of this or that. Say blood thinners. Lots of side effects from them! And I got to thinking that they were "bad" because of that. It needs to be said I didn't see the ones for whom they were life savers that WORKED! It's a bit like that!
When I first came to the forum there were more questions about practical caregiving - how to do things and learning to understand about dementia. The forum seems to have morphed into a place where family dysfunction is the main topic, that's likely because the more you post about something the more it shows up in a google search so it becomes self perpetuating.
The Silent Generation did not have to care for their parents as most did not live into their 90's, also, when I left home I turned my keys in and that was that,
no revolving door, they were not involved in being sandwiched. No built in babysitters, no regular flow of money to their children, it was all about them and their lives.
Now, those of that generation are all living too long (as are we boomers), not really living but hanging on, modern medicine is keeping many of us alive into our 90's. My mother is 97, I am 75, she could easily live to a 100.
We boomers changed much of how things with our children were done, we no longer let them do their own thing, we drove them everywhere, we let them move in and out of our houses, we gave them money, we baby sitted the grandchildren, in fact a very large % actually have raised the grandchildren. We created another generation of entitled people. We have come full circle and are in a codependent mess.
My mother is definitely not lovely, she is a B on wheels, she is in AL, we only do what we have to do as she deserves no more than that from us.
Just my thoughts!
And expecting children to solve all of it.
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