I decided to stay with my mother about six years ago, a commitment and what I consider my duty to help care for her.
All these years have been filled with conflicts with my brothers and sisters over various things. There have been many dark days. Yesterday was the same: an accumulation of simply trying to quietly and peacefully look after an elderly mother with many serious health issues.
The arguments stem mainly from one person and what they consider my attitude towards them, the other brothers and sisters. They don't want to be held accountable for anything, whereas I feel the responsibility is a shared one. Yesterday was the pinnacle of the dark days.My mother invited my brother round for a special occasion. I instantly didn't like it. We are on superficial talking terms after about four years of not talking, due to the sister who has reluctantly helped my mother, despite being single with no husband or children. She talked behind my back, telling my brothers and sisters that I'm constantly telling her what to do and how. Incidentally, these are the same things my mother asks of her, except they have to be repeated over and over because her heart was never in it. On one visit my mother told him this, and he started sending nasty texts threatening to sort me out. That led to the four years of not talking. About a year ago, after a hip operation and feeling sorry for himself, he came up the stairs and knocked on my door to say sorry. We superficially reconciled, but knowing what he is like, and that people do not change, I kept my guard up. In hindsight I wish I had never accepted his apology; I thought that, for my mother's sake, it would be good at least to be talking occasionally.As my sister lives the second closest and can get particular items of shopping, she has been helpful in that way. Over the years I've consistently asked her to do more, and we've argued about it; she has lived freely since Covid, five whole years, with very little responsibility towards my mother. During recent illnesses she spent more time with my mother, again reluctantly. In the second week of my mother being back from hospital, she was already saying, "I'll still go to work part-time and commute every day." That would have come with a whole set of other excuses: I've been working all day, I'm tired, I've just got in, my car is broken, etc. So what happens when my mother needs help morning and afternoon? That help includes personal care, women's things.This brother, now fully recovered, turned up as invited. I was busy and stayed in my room. I heard shouting downstairs, shouting loud enough to knock down a wall. He was directing it at my mother, after she said I am always telling my sister what to do. My mother is elderly; she comes out with comments out of the blue and misunderstands the arguments between me and my sister. Based on this, he came up the stairs in a huff, knocked quickly and barged into my room before I'd said anything, shouting, "You need to sort this out, come down." I instantly didn't like him barging in and shouting at me. This turned into an hour of shouting at the top of our voices on the landing: insults, threats, accusations, name-calling, with my mother, who struggles with the stairs, sat at the top and my sister halfway up. Every rational argument I made was turned back on me. This included threats about the house, and joining with my younger brother to fight me for it, even though my mother's wish, which she has verbally told both other brothers, is to give the house to me. There's more but ran out of word count, topic are burnout as well as Mental Health.
Money and expectations of others is the root of all evil.
When someone needs care, there are other options available besides giving ones life up to do said caring. If such a choice is made, it should be w/o expectations or obligating OTHERS to do the same.
You can disagree with these comments all you'd like, but they're third party, unemotional and just what you asked for by coming to a forum of strangers for opinions.
The last bit of advice I have for you is to get mother to make a will and put in writing that only YOU are to inherit the house. Good luck with that, too, as it's rare as hens teeth to get a mother to leave her other children out of her will, regardless of how useless they were.
Yes! 👏
I've seen so many protracted knock-down-drag-outs among siblings and step-families over someone else's property. Talking to their neighbors about it like the stress of it is all-consuming. Know what is a whole lot less stressful? Finding literally ANY other way to earn and save money for your future. My sister-in-law and my niece both work from home with a computer and a phone.
Heck, I'd rather work at the corner gas station on Saturday nights than fight with my family for years over a house.
I didn't "give up my life" as some lifestyle choice while my siblings made an equally valid choice to do something else. I stepped in six years ago because my mother needed care and none of my brothers were going to step up or take any responsibility. Somebody had to. That doesn't mean the responsibility became mine alone and everyone else was released from it. She is their mother too. Being an adult free to make your own decisions doesn't mean being free of any duty to a parent with serious health problems, and it certainly doesn't excuse shouting at her, barging into my room and threatening me over the house.
What I asked of my sister is what my mother herself asks of her. That isn't resentment, it's the practical reality of getting an elderly woman through the day.
You're right that I'm burning out. Anyone would be after six years of this, especially when the hardest part hasn't been the caring but the fighting, not to mention the lies and deceit from the brothers and sisters who didn't step up. That's exactly why I posted, hoping to hear from people who understand what it's like to be the one who stays. "Leave them alone and find another plan" isn't support, it's telling me the problem is me.
I do appreciate you wishing me well in finding a new plan, whatever that means. As if things will magically get better.
It is not your duty, it is a choice.
You say your mother invited your brother over, and you didn't like it, because you don't get along with him. It's not up to you to prevent your mother from spending time with any and all of her children, because you don't like them or don't get along with them. Perhaps your siblings don't come around more because it always ends up in an argument with you.
If your mother has verbally said it is her wish to give you her house, and it is not written in a will, the house is not yours. The house will not be yours. That is a very poor reason to stick around, well past the point of burnout. You will become even more angry and feel more slighted when your mother passes and her estate is divided evenly amongst you and all your siblings.
Unfortunately, feelings aren't facts. You mean well but you can't project your morals and ideals onto others. No one can be assumed into a caregiving role -- as you are finding out it's a big and taxing responsibility.
"...my mother's wish, which she has verbally told both other brothers, is to give the house to me."
Also unfortunately, there is no legal teeth in a verbal promise. If your Mother passes without a Will designating how her estate is divided up, then it is "intestate" and your siblings will all inherit equally, verbal promises or not.
FYI if your Mother ever requires Medicaid for LTC then the house is basically "collateral" for financial recovery after she passes. Please read this article that was posted today by another participant.
https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/article-medicaid-the-bill-and-merp-499538.htm
Things are backfiring because you have expectations, which are nothing more than premeditated disappoinments. The only person you can control is yourself. From now on, work on having zero expectations of people and situations. Plan for the worst and hope for the best. Take your Mom to consult with an elder law attorney so that you both go into this with your eyes wide open. After being on this forum almost daily since 2019 I can't even count how many desperate people posted about not inheriting a house that was verbally promised to them.
Finally, please take your Mother for a cognitive exam (after she gets all her legal paperwork ducks in a row). Based on your statements about her behavior it is likely she has mild to moderate dementia, hence "comments out of the blue" and "misunderstandings". Classic beginnings of dementia. Educate yourself by reading books or watching Teepa Snow videos on YouTube so that you can learn what is going on in your Mom's brain and get strategies for more peaceful and productive interactions with her. She's not just "elderly", she is impaired. Even though she looks like your same Mother, she isn't and she's changing every day... some days she's more of her old self and others not -- but she is losing who she was. Dementia robs people of their short-term memory, and their ability to use reason and logic.
And, if she hasn't assigned a PoA, it is critical that she do this. If you wish to remain her sole or main caregiver, this will be an essential legal authority.
I wish you clarity, wisdom and peace in your heart as you make decisions going forward.
You do realize that just because your mother supposedly told you"verbally" that she wants you to have her house after she dies doesn't mean that that will hold up in a court of law right? Your mom needs to have that put in her Will if that is her wish, and even then your siblings can contest it.
You are allowing all this drama with your mother and siblings all over a possibility of getting your mothers house one day, and that is sad.
Your mother would be better off in an assisted living facility paid for by the sale of her home, where she would be around other folks her own age and away from all the drama and abuse, and where you and your siblings could get back to just being her loving(if that's possible)children and not her angry, burned out and overwhelmed caregivers.
Perhaps the "whole heartfelt caring thing" has backfired because your intentions were not pure from the get go, and instead the carrot dangling at the end of the string(moms house) was what enticed you more.
Just another perspective to think about.
This is part of you seeing yourself as a victim instead of taking ownership of what was, 100%, your choice. Once you own your decision you'll empower yourself to change it. Was part of this choice the idea that you would earn yourself a house, that it was a good investment of your time? Committing yourself to God knows how many years of servitude is generally not the best way to purchase a home. You must have quit your job to do this, robbing yourself of money for your own future.
As to "somebody had to" of course we all agree that somebody should have done something, but there were several choices which would not have left you in the position you're in now. Mom could have hired caregiver companions to help her around the house and if that wasn't going to be financially possible due to how much care she needed then her home should have been sold to pay for a place with a full professional staff where she would get professional care along with companionship. Elders don't do well trapped in a house alone or with just one other person. Nobody does.
Along with the questions about a legal will do you have powers of attorney? Not just permission to talk to her doctor, but legal medical and durable powers of attorney? Because if she hasn't granted those to you then she isn't doing her part to allow you to help her properly.
So you have a handful of choices to make once you accept that all of this is up to you and all of it can be handled. You can choose to stay with a verbal promise of a house you will never get unless that becomes part of a legally written and witnessed and notarized will. You can use (or get) proper POA to make your best decision on how to manage mom's money and care, which could be anything from hired help to selling her house to pay for the best assisted living you can find.
If you do, I suggest you reread your own words here and see what you talked about the most. It wasn’t about caregiving for your mother. It was all about your siblings and trying to have them do the caregiving you chose for yourself.
You said, “…what I consider my duty to help care for her.”
*Your* duty. That is lovely, noble, and self-sacrificing.
But shortly thereafter you say, “… I feel the responsibility is a shared one.” And there is where you are trying to impose your personal sense of duty on others, with you talking quite a lot about what you want them to do to fulfill the burden you decided to take on.
By the by… I had no help from three other siblings in caring for our mother. I brushed off their occasional ignorant, uninvolved “suggestions”. Later I saw another family where all the (estranged) siblings belatedly jumped in to “help” and was suddenly very grateful mine had stayed out of it!
I hope you succeed with your plan to inherit mom's house. Proceed full steam ahead to steer mom to making that legal. Give her a time frame - say, two months to make it happen. If it doesn't, walk away. Mom will bully someone else into taking care of her, and you can walk free. Get a job. Save your money. Buy your own house.
I totally understand your commitment to your duty to take care of mom. I've been through that myself. At some point you have to weigh the pros and cons of the situation. Is it worth giving up your privacy and dignity to remain part of this family drama? How long before the psychological toll on you causes you to get sick, mentally or physically? Would that be worth it?
Good luck with all of this.
That being said, it was your choice to move in and become mom's caregiver. The gist of your post is siblings have established boundaries. That's their choice. No one should be pressured into caregiving. I'm assuming the sibling dynamics have been long established since childhood. You still have choices. 24/7 caregiving is damn hard and wears anyone down. It's ok to seek assisted living, paid for with mom's assets. Then you can reclaim your life on your terms.
You write mom said the house will be yours. Verbal "wants" to have mom's house no legal standing. It requires a legal will.