Hi everyone,
Firstly some background. I am a married 26 y/o, I work full time and live about 6 hours away by plane from my divorced parents. My father is 72 and recently received a stage 3 lung cancer diagnosis. This is all very new but family members are already insinuating that I should move back home soon to care for my father or else urge him to move into his sister's home. He has always been independent and was actually working up until right before he got sick. He doesn't want to move into his sister's house because it is very messy and tends to have many people going in and out (her adult son lives with her and family is over often). They seem to think that in the near future my father will not be able to care for himself or perform everyday tasks on his own. I've not heard anything from his doctors regarding concern over his living situation other than his needing some extra help, perhaps, after surgeries. Is there something I'm missing?
It's not too much of a burden financially for me to take a few months or so off if necessary to care for him in his own home. My husband is supportive and is from the same home state so would not mind visiting, but we are not interested in moving back home permanently and cannot foresee ourselves doing so in the near future. My father would not be open to moving and I wouldn't want to take him away from all of his friends and family. He does not want a live-in caretaker or to eventually transition into any type of assisted/monitored living facility.
I just really don't understand what it is that I'm missing because the reaction I've been getting when I say that we are planning on making more trips back home is that I'm being a terrible child. My father still drives, has an active social life and we FaceTime multiple times a week. He doesn't want me to "uproot my life" for him and does not see the need for it at this point but also pays little mind to the future. Again I'm willing to go back home temporarily and if needed to I could even leave my job, but I just would like to know about the timing of it all. My husband travels frequently for work and we have pets. I want to be helpful and supportive but I'm not sure how or when. I guess I'm really just looking for some insight. If you or a loved one were also dealing with this type of diagnosis at what point was it (during treatment I suppose? post-pneumonectomy/lobectomy, chemo, etc?) that you found yourself or relative needing help to the point where it would be detrimental to live by oneself? I'm sorry if this is a dumb or confusing question.
Thank you for your time.
I think you need to wait until you see how your father is coping with his cancer and treatments before you make any decisions, but it might be wise to explore what kind of help is available for him and how you might go about accessing it if/when needed... hope for the best and plan for the worst.
Your dad needs to process it himself and I understand people go through a grieving process as they cope with it. So for now just contact him often and don't always talk about his health as he then feels this is the only thing that defines him (we went through this with a very dear, close friend).
Your dad says he doesn't want a live-in caretaker or to eventually transition into any type of assisted/monitored living facility. I think he has pre-conceived notions and imagined fears of "old style" facilities. You're not obligated to go along with an unrealistic, highly disruptive plan just because he can't deal with reality. I was part of a group of people who took care of a woman in her home dying of colon cancer. None of us were nurses. Towards the end it was round the clock and dealing with lots of pain and body fluids that had no where to go. It would have made better sense for her to have been in a facility having hospice. And your dad will probably need a hospital bed in his house, oxygen and more. It would be better to have hime where he is getting optimal care and then family can make a plan to be there with him for as much as they can (THEY).
As a mother of 3 twenty-somethings, I wouldn't ever want them to uproot their lives for me, even if I was that sick. I've had my life and take responsibility for how I made plans for and managed it. You say your dad pays little attention to the future, well maybe now he will...or still won't. But that's not your problem. You love your dad and want to show your love. For now you can be a valuable help to him, yourself and the entire family by gently nudging him to get his affairs in order (explaining about a Durable PoA if he doesn't already have one, a will, medical directive, etc.) when he seems receptive. Maybe you can visit to help him do this. Keep telling him you'll do as much as possible for him (remotely). Don't let his family harangue you into care taking. Well-meaning people have no idea what is involved in caregiving a sick and dying senior. When he's in stage 4 you will have more knowledge and can plan when is the optimal time to be present with him. Until then, wishing you a sweet time with your dad.
Ask the judgment committee what THEY plan to do for your father and that should shut them up for quite some time. Then ask you dad what he needs from you, and let him know what you've told us about being available for him. Then let all the rest of the B S go and continue living your life. I read a meme the other day that said: Don't accept criticism from someone you'd never go to for advice. Touche.
All the best!
You can *offer* to help him from right where you are by helping him get his important paperwork together e.g. will, living will, DNR, POA both medical and financial. You can *offer* to help him manage his finances and plan for his longterm care. You cannot force him to accept help from you or anyone else for that matter.
Jumping on him about "living alone" when he has yet to process and accept his diagnosis is not helpful. The next time those relatives try to insinuate themselves into your father's affairs through you firmly say "Thanks for your concern. My father and I handling things one day at a time." And if they persist, tack on a "...I would appreciate you respecting his privacy during this difficult time. If he needs your help he will let you know."
What a blessing that things are so good for you, with a job you could afford to lose and a supportive hubby. So many do not have that!
One thing we all want to have is control. So listen to your dad, unless you think he is just saying things to protect you and your life, and keep on as you have been. You sound close enough that if he tries to cover, you will probably detect it. Come in on your own so the pets don't have to be put some place (unless you have an at-home pet sitter!) when /if he needs some extra support, like at a surgery time. I would make VERY SURE that he contact an elder law attorney and get all the papers in order ensuring that YOU have access to all the medical info you need and the medical people can share info with you. Make sure you are on his records, you will have to do this and confirm. Hoping for the best for all of you...
What I feel you need to do is talk to his doctors. See what is involved with his care. If he has surgery, he may be able to get homecare to come into the home and check on him. Medicare pays for that. Or he can pay an agency till he recuperates. At 72, if Dad is healthy, he may bounce back quickly. If he has surgery, maybe use ur vacation time to be with him. Does your state have Family Leave? Someone posted this time can be taken in increments. If so, you won't lose ur job.
Really, this is between you and Dad. If he feels he will be OK, then don't worry what others say.
Id wait until your dads needs become clearer, until YOU have a chance to discuss the care plan (vis phone, if necessary) with dad and his medical team.
Your dad is in charge of his own care and his own life. Ignore those folks who are living in the 19th century. Wait until dad asks for help and then evaluate the situation rationally.