CharK60 Asked December 2019
What would our loved ones say about us if they had a forum of their own?
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Besides “She won’t let me eat sweets!” or “she yells at me all the time!,” I bet they would have plenty to say.
I’m afraid I couldn’t stand to hear it!
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I loved being with my Mom, spending all that time together & helping my Mom came naturally to me. Dont get me wrong at times it was so hard, its mentally & physically draining then I'd think back as far as I can remember it was my Mom who was always there for me & during my whole life all she has done for me.
I lived in the hospital w/ my Mom for a whole month, Mom telling the staff, every morning when I open my eyes my daughters the first thing I see, so I know every things gonna be ok. I tell you this because right before my Mom passed in the hospital she broke down hysterically crying thanking me for taking such good care of her. I was in my Moms arms when I was born, & my Mom was in my arms when God took her home. I Miss my Mom so.
Oh, yes. At 10pm after a long workday, as I shop the Big Box store for men's sweatpants because all his pants disappeared into the black hole of the facility laundry, that's my first thought: I secretly love this. ;-)
( In fact I am having an ornery day and she just said that!)
1. I stole her hearing aids.
2. I'm taking Caribbean cruises on her dime.
3. I won't let her talk when I take her to the doctor.
4. I don't do anything for her. I don't take her places.
5. I don't understand.
6. I have dementia.
7. I stole her car.
8. I stole her glasses.
9. I gave all her household things away.
10. The phone I provided her is defective.
11. I'm selfish, and she hopes I end up in memory care, too!
2. I'm making him fat, after all, he's not use to eating so much since he moved in with me, (He's a light eater, don't you know... that toast and coffee breakfast that tides over to dinner is SO overrated...)
3. Why does he have to take so many pills, nothing's wrong with him...
4. I can still drive, I just can't see the street signs...
5. Is that how the remote works? I can't hear it - Vol 43...
6. If you don't study history, you're going to repeat it. I hope there isn't another world war...
7. The doctors all get rich off of me.
Just a nice thought, once we all get to Heaven, he'll be restored to his regular self and all this will be the lost memory.
She expressed to us how grateful she was to have us taking care of her in her own home. When she snapped at us because she got frustrated or scared, she would later apologize (like she always did). It amazed me. She was going through all this; she was dying, her body was failing, and she was apologizing to us for being grumpy!
My dad received most of the scolding, "no, no, not like that, the other way!" (probably because he was most important to her.) He and I would exchange glances and understand that she was just scared and frustrated. How lucky were we to have a team of caregivers!! My heart goes out to those of you who struggle alone with these situations.
After she died, a friend of mine who happens to be a psychic medium, received messages for me from my mom. Many of you may not believe this and that's ok. A few years ago I didn't believe this was possible either, but I've known this friend for about 10 years and found her to be very level-headed, she just wouldn't make this stuff up. She received many messages for me from my mom... "someone should take your father out to eat, a meal, not just a sandwich." "Tell him to spend his money! Fix up the house. Just do it!" "Yes, your brother-in-law was snippy with you the other day. I don't know why he gets so full of himself!" "Get someone to help you move those boxes for the church." (She always worried about my back problems.)
But the one that really struck me was when my friend said "she says you gave her dignity...even when she used the commode, there was always a sense of dignity, decorum. She was very, very appreciative that you humanized her...because there's a time when you don't feel human."
Still makes me cry when I think how lucky were.
"I'm hanging on. That's what I'm doing. Hanging on tight. Oh I know they all want me to go, that I should let go but I WON'T I just WON'T!" I replied "Good for you!" What a dear.
Although there might have been some resistance in the very beginning at entering AL she did realize the need she had for it after a fall and communication with hospital staff that she should not be living alone with her various medical ailments.
She was greatly relieved for us when we finally had the sale of our house in NY as were we. I admit there were times prior to this when I was stressed and could not always hide that. She also has been concerned with the various ailments my husband and I have endured this year which I try to downplay. All in all I am fortunate to have her aging in a gentle although definite manner and I truly feel for all those here who experience great difficulties with their parents.
She was not the easiest mother to have had while growing up but we are in a place presently that is fine.
These are just a choice few contributions my mother would, and often does, make:
1, "You are all a bunch of mongrel bloody bastards! You have no idea what you are talking about." "Lying'' might get added to that phrase occasionally. This is pretty much an Australian term with a host of meanings, but in this case it would be mostly derogatory.
2. "I don't see why everyone fusses over me, I can look after myself." Wheelchair bound, incontinent, cannot even decide whether she would like a hot or cold drink for refreshment, can no longer write, read a newspaper, mostly has to be distracted by one carer while another shovels food into my mother's mouth.
3. "There must be someone who can look after me, I need help right now." Mother is in a resort-type aged care facility, albeit in secure memory care unit, plenty of staff to attend to her every whim or need.
4. "Call the police. We are being held hostage, we are locked in this little building, we are in lock-down, we are being starved, we have no water." Lovely double storey building, beautifully decorated single rooms and ensuite for every one of its 120 residents. Staffing ratio of 1:5 residents, sometimes even 1:4.
5. "They make me sleep on the floor, can someone report them please." Mother kept falling out of bed so now has a bed which can be lowered to floor level, has thick crash pads either side of the bed, and simply rolls out and down no more than about 8". Sometimes she IS left there to cool off, she hates the sling lift now, does not feel safe and will throw anything she can to keep carers at arm's length.
6. "You wouldn't believe what goes on here." "They are up to their old tricks again.'' "They talk about me in their own lingo." We have yet to work these ones out.
7. 'This is my daughter, she's fat!' or in my case, 'This is my daughter, she is old and fat'. Talk about stating the bleeding obvious.
8. My favourite is mother's response to staff when they question her about why she does not like men. (This dislike is something new I might add). Her classic response is always 'they want to fiddle with your bits!'
"I'm content to let her take care of everything."
"You should ask her about that. She knows everything."
And to me directly (and he still does at odd moments):
"I love you!"
"You are beautiful!"
Yes, I know how fortunate I am.
"I just want you to be happy"
I have three very adult younger brothers who are like gods to her but they very, very seldom visit when I talk with them they seldom or it’s a last thought as to how’s mom doing......
My son, whom I spent Tgiving with last week made fun of my bald head. It was mean and unnecessary--I cannot HELP that my hair all fell out. I just got up from the couch and said "I didn't raise you to be mean to sick people. You enjoying this?"
No response and certainly no apology.
In fairness, I never really asked for help. Any time my daughters came over they brought little ones with them and I had zero tolerance for noise. And I didn't ASK for help, so anything I feel about being neglected is all on me.
What will they say about me? "Mom sure is a pain".
Your kids will say Mum is so stoic. Doesn't make a fuss. A real fighter. She's been an inspiration to us - & we've been about as caring as a lounge of lizards.
He said (exasperatedly), "How many times do we have to go through this? "
That still makes me smile.
You're a brave person to be part of this forum. I'm not sure it's wise for you to read all the griping that goes on here; but like others have mentioned, many caregivers really have nowhere else to go for support and to air their frustrations.
This actually happened.
With my father, I had to pull back and remember how it felt to always be told what to do as a child. I didn't like it. So I turned myself around and told him that if he needed me, I was there. I told him to do things the way he wanted and if it didn't work out, we would find a viable path together. Worked like a charm.
With my DH, I thought about how I'd want to be treated - and that is how I treated him.
I don't think all loss of social filters are dementia related. I have dealt with enough to know the subtle signs and she did not have one. She just got tired of biting her tongue. So she was going to tell us her opinion, period.