What strategies can help my father deal with my mother's confusion about him being a visitor in her home, not her husband of 40+yrs?

My mom had the same problem. It was awful and heartbreaking and part of the sad fact that the brain is mysterious and it’s the disease not the person. Keep saying dad. Not uncle that will confuse her more. But hide papers. Sell her car. And then try to live in her reality and play act when necessary. It’s heartbreaking My mom often thought the old fat man was nice or her kidnapper but not her husband (50 years of marriage). Look into capgras syndrome. I recommend the book the 36 hour day. I wish her drs had told us. Very helpful. A regular geriatric doctor can prescribe Paranoia medicine. That was the word we didn’t know to use. Unfortunately this is the way of this disease and It’s different than a non - dementia person and psychiatrists take 15 minutes and my mom acted perfectly during those 15 minutes - it was so frustrating. With drs she was practically herself. Ugh. We got to the point of her trying to escape that my dad sadly had to find a memory care home. We cried. And then it was the BEST THING EVER. he became a husband again. Not a caregiver or nurse. He got his life back and visited her every single day. They sat and held hands and she thought she was in a college. It’s good to chat with placement options because there are waiting lists. Dad will need friends to call and chat with her to give him respite. I noticed she recognized my dads voice in the other room. She recognized friends voices on the phone. But her vision played tricks. So terrible. But hang in there. My mom got to a more loving docile stage eventually. With a stage of a bit of aggression and swearing (never in her life had she used such language). Hang in there. It’s not her. It’s the disease. My heart breaks for you. But I miss her so much. Yes yes been three years now since she passed. And now I remember only the good times

I’m going thru the exact scenario with my husband of 52 years. We were high school sweethearts. Long story short…. Google CAPGRAS SYNDROME. This is what she has. My husband was being seen at YALE New Haven memory clinic for this. It’s terrible and heartbreaking and no matter what you say to her and no matter how many times you try to show pictures or convince her that she is wrong she will never really believe you and may only get more suspicious so the best thing that I found was to sometimes just walk out of the room for a few minutes and then walk back in and sometimes that works because I would walk back in and he would say to me did you see that woman that was just here oh my gosh thank God you’re back. It’s confusing and heartbreaking and I wish you the best God bless you. You may find a lot of information on this condition on WebMD. It’s fairly rare and can come and go. Unfortunately, I had to place my husband in a long-term care facility and now when I go to visit him he knows my name, but still believes that I am his girlfriend and not his wife and he believes that he abandoned his wife and his children years ago which is not the case and he holds a lot of anxiety thinking he did that. It’s extremely sad and difficult to deal with and my heart breaks for him every time I go to see him.I try to remain positive and I’m just thankful that I still have him to see him, love him, hold his hand and I still feel the love there when we’re together even though he does not remember how we met ,where we met, and all the years raising our children together. He does not believe that I’m the mother of his children and thinks that his real wife never comes to see him. I wish you the best this is not fun.💔❤️

This is so terribly sad for your dad. My mom has the same problem not knowing whom her husband was and didn't know who I was either. This would escalate mom's anxiety and she often wanted him to just go home. She did not want him there. Thankfully, mom went to bed somewhat early which would calm her and she would come out to the living room to just check on things.

My mom took Seroquel, 12.5 mg at about 4 pm each day which helped most of the time. But, there were still those days. Mom's complete disorientation was associated with her Sundowning most of the time.

Put the bank statements away so mom does not have access to them. Do not leave anything out that may cause her anxiety. It sounds like it will become necessary in the near future to place your mom. Have you started that shopping? See an elder law attorney to prepare for protecting assets for dad. Do not delay.

Don't ever take medical advice from anyone online. The purpose of this forum is to share experiences. Always check with your own doctor before changing or trying anything.

I am not at all familiar with any medications for memory. As far as I know there are none that have been clinically proven to improve memory or even slow the progression of Alzheimer's. There are claims that will state "improves memory" or "slows progression" that are often subscription based. All are scams. There are some clinical studies that are occurring, you could make phone calls to the Alzheimer's association to learn about those. Doctors are rarely aware of those.

Always do your own research on legit sites. I have no faith in richson's response.

I had the same issue with my parents. My father was in major denial about Mom's Alzheimer's. With them the issue was more of wanting to return to her childhood home in Hungary or see her long-dead mother. But he just insisted on reality orienting her, which of course just upset her. I spent most of my daytime hours hanging around their house, and when I heard them arguing in Hungarian, I would go into their bedroom and get Mom calmed down with some kind of answer that addressed her emotional need without denying her reality. Gradually, my father came to accept that he could not change her alternate reality. He never really did learn "therepeutic lying" though.
I strongly suggest getting your father involved with a dementia spouse group.

Hi AllforLea,
All of this is driven by the disease progression. It erases memories from most recent to oldest, so her memory 'timeline' may have reached the point where, to her, it's before she met your dad--she's 20 years old. The brain struggles to keep up by patching together what it can access. Since her neurons are compromised, the information she receives will be random, and her ability to understand and interpret information will be seriously affected. She'll put it together the best that she can...In this case the photo album will not make sense to her. Your idea to redirect is good, but don't redirect to something she's having an issue with. Also try to remove the paperwork and finances to somewhere only your dad can access-it's a trigger for her. A lot of times at this point 'out of sight is out of mind', so find a good secure place to stash things, or move everything to online banking.
I have a couple of things I really like to share because they helped me so much--
This is good reading for anyone who has a loved one with dementia.
http://www.dementiacarestrategies.com/12_pt_Understanding_the_Dementia_Experience.pdf
The Alzheimer's Org. has a great spouse forum that your dad might want to look over. It's not Alzheimer's specific. There were some recent threads from spouses whose loved ones no longer recognized them. There's also a caregiver forum--you might want to search the threads for tips, or post. There are links to resources at the site.
https://www.alzconnected.org/discussion.aspx

Now may be the time, as she's forgotten your dad and is uncomfortable with him in the home, to consider if a memory care facility will be helpful. It will ease the stress for him. I can imagine that she is requiring constant monitoring and he must be sleeping with one eye open. Good luck!

You are doing the best you can; as 'the kid' your dad may not be 'hearing' you when you try to help him understand mom cannot be reasoned with; his wife is, in essence, 'gone' and that must be almost horrifying when her body is still there. It probably produces a cascade of emotions, grief before her actual death, grief at the end of the marriage-as-it-was, etc. You may need to involve a professional, doctor or social worker, etc., if you haven't already, and maybe an AZ support group to help dad understand the facts of this condition. All the behaviors are common to AZ, as I'm sure you've read here; it's confounding for all involved. On a practical level, you folks need to eliminate the 'accidental' discoveries that upset mom...the account names, etc., things like that which contribute to her 'suspicions' as much as you can. The photo album is a sweet idea but again may not be comprehensible to your mom now, the idea of 'age progression', etc. Dad may in fact now become known as 'housemate', 'good friend' who likes to spend time visiting...hard after a lifetime as mates, I realize, but doable. It does not negate the past, but makes room for this 'new chapter'. It is her home, and now dad IS a 'visitor' in her new world; it's still his home, too, and she is the beloved that disease has hijacked, taken hostage', needs indulging until she can no longer live in the family home if/when that day comes. As I understand it, that's why they call AZ 'the long goodbye.'

This just breaks my heart -- your poor dad.

This reminds me of Barry Petersen, a reporter for CBS news, who did a story years ago about his wife's early onset Alzheimer's. I remember seeing that story long before I ever had to deal with dementia in my own mother, and it made a huge impact on me. All I know is that I'm eternally grateful that my dad didn't live to see my mother "marry" her first high school boyfriend and talk incessantly aoout him while forgetting my dad completely.

As Grandma said above, her reality is her reality, and there's nothing you can do to change that. Your dad needs to go along with being the visitor, but he also needs to get out and be with people who are healthy and functioning. Try to encourage him to get out and do other things.

You can find Barry Petersen's story on YouTube. Search "Jan's Story" to find it. He also wrote a book about it -- Jan's Story: Love Lost to the Long Goodbye of Alzheimer's. It might be helpful to you and your dad.

I googled this as I sense(d) educating your dad may help him cope better and not take it personally, although I certainly understand how devastating this is to him. I feel very sad for your dad in this situation. Below is one article. Perhaps find others. I highly recommend TEEPA SNOW's webinars if you have time (or your dad) to check out her website.
* Perhaps the most you can do is show compassion for your dad as much as possible; and
* Continue to assess, perhaps with MD / social worker, how your mom 'feels' / responds thinking there is a stranger in the house. From her point of view, this could be very frightening to her.
* I applaud you for writing us here. The disease is so very cruel to so many in the family unit. Give your dad a hug for me. Gena / Touch Matters.
Read this:
https://www.verywellhealth.com/coping-when-loved-one-doesnt-recognize-you-97998
In part, it says: Tips on Coping 

Acknowledge the Loss: As with other grieving processes, it's okay, and often necessary, to let yourself grieve this decline in your loved one. You don't have to be stoic, even if you've read up on what to expect and you know the change is coming.

Remind person with dementia: If you sense s/he doesn't recall your name or who you are, simply remind her/him once by saying, "We haven't seen each other in a while. I'm your nephew Sam."

Give Credit Where Credit Is Due: Remind yourself that this is due to the disease process and not a choice by your loved one. It's the Alzheimer's disease, vascular dementia, Lewy body dementia, or other types of dementiathat should take the credit/responsibility for the loss of ability in your loved one. When he remembers your sister's name and not yours, try not to take it personally, even if it hurts your feelings. Blame the disease.

Respond Gently: When your loved one doesn't remember you, your goal is to decrease her/his anxiety or worries, not increase them by pointing out that you've been married to him for 50 years and asking why he doesn't love you anymore. Instead, you can try to change the subject or sing a favorite song with him.

Validation Therapy: If your spouse continually refers to you as his/ her father, ask her to tell you about her dad, what she misses about him, what he looked like, what he did as a job, and what she loved about him. Give her the opportunity to share her memories of him, rather than try to force the issue and make her identify and remember you.

Photos and Videos: Show your loved one older pictures of family and friends to reminisce together. It's likely that she will remember more from long ago and this exercise may sometimes trigger her to recall more recent items as well.

Seek Medical Help: If your loved one's inability to recognize or remember others is making her (NOT you) feel anxious and frequently distressed, if her paranoia is affecting her eating or sleeping, or if she is fearful of you to the point of becoming dangerous to herself or others around her, ask MD about medications or other treatments that can address the cause of these behaviors and decrease her distress. While a physician won't be able to reverse her dementia, medical treatment can improve the quality of life for both of you.

Funkygrandma59 thank you so much for your response. My mother already has increased her anxiety medication so I am not sure if there would be something else specific for paranoia but will bring that up. She has an appointment scheduled with a psychiatrist in early March 2022 (taken us 3 months to get in) and I hope that we may make some headway with adjusting medications with someone who is more experienced in this area. I will share your suggestions with my dad. Thank you.