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My mother is finally living close to me again. I spent three hours with her every day for the last four days. She's in a new facility near me, with sunny days/better weather. She has options for so much more than where she was. She has Parkinson's. But she is so miserable, unhappy, anxious, lonely, all of the time! ALL OF THE TIME. It doesn't matter if I'm around. It doesn't matter if kind people introduce themselves to her. She's not making friends easily due to being so "Eeyore"-- I am sure. Her family doctor at home stopped being willing to change her anti-depressant medication because she kept asking for a new one. Kept questioning if they were working. They finally gave up and said no more new ones until you see a psychiatrist. Which she was on a waiting list for. I'll try to find one here. But sometimes I just want to give up. I don't see her enjoying one iota of life anymore. Everything is "too much", everything is awful. I thought being closer to me would actually improve her emotional well being. It hasn't changed it a bit...

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If it is a new transition, be patient. If not, she may have a hard time explaining pain or other things she is dealing with. I was bedridden for 5 1/2 years with Lyme disease at 40. I was miserable, unhappy, anxious and lonely. Praise God, He healed me! I really have empathy for aging senior as I know how hard and lonely it can be. Please don't take it personal. Hugs! :)
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First, what is "Eeyore"? Second, a psychiatrist will only prescribe more anti-depressants. Does anyone ever ask her what will make her happy? Does anyone ask her if she is ever happy, if only for a brief moment? Ask her what she would tell someone in her situation. I suspect that pharmaceuticals will never make her happy. There are people who are trained to talk to people like your mother.
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So sorry for your situation which actually mirrors mine. Kudos to you for moving her closer to you and trying your best to improve her situation. We "fix it" types are so motivated to keep at it in hopes of a better outcome. At some point you will reach a plateau and realize you have done all that you can and now it is up to her. I know because it recently happened to me after a lifetime of trying to cure her depression, pessimistic and fatalistic attitude, and nastiness to people. These types of people totally sap one's energy and they only want to pull those closest to them down to where they are which is satisfying to them and makes them feel better. Continue to enjoy your life with your favorite people, places and things. Read the "Serenity Prayer" daily as I do for extra strength. Hugs!
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Msblcb May 2022
I agree with you. I am a "fix it" girl also. I am trying so hard to help my mom transition but have come to the conclusion, even though we are early in the process, that she has to make an effort. I cannot change her personality or make her into someone she is not. What I can do is make sure the staff is taking care of her, that she is clean and eating well. I am hoping a good diet and the persistence of the staff and some wonderful other residents that she will stretch herself to do more than what usually is natural for her.
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I will join like many here and just say as well , are you talking about my Mother? I think we need separate post to share experiences and maybe it will be cathartic.
You cannot change her unless she decides to change, perhaps talk to staff in facility how to get her involved in anything, did she have any hobbies, interest before, little step to get her involved in anything at this point and otherwise it is not your job to make her happy.
The best thing is for you to have your happiness intact or not impacted by her misery. When I look at my Mother I know, I don’t want to be like that.
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You talking about MY Mom??!! Sheesh. This is my Mom w/the exception she lives at home alone...and not on meds for depression. Doctor I took her to said if she was in a facility they would kick her out in 2 minutes. Negative & NPD & Borderline...& some Dementia.. Yours just has Depression? I wouldn't spend 3 hrs each visit. Shorten the visits...at least some of them. Energy Vampires..
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Remember that your mom chooses her attitude towards life.

She does have depression and needs consistent care from a psychiatrist - preferably one that specializes in geriatrics.

It can take weeks for a psychoactive medication to show "results." Every person have his or her own special recipe - the combination of medications and dosages that work for him or her. It will take time to find out what is your mom's special recipe of psychoactive medications.

Patience! Enjoy what you can. Help mom to see what she can be grateful for daily.
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Pre-Parkinson's, was she a miserable person? If it's dyed in the wool I suggest you visit with ear buds.

If you can afford it, decorate her room with cheerful posters, flowers and plants, and one goofy but beautiful stuffed animal. If you can, play old show tunes like South Pacific, The King and I, Damn Yankees, Guys and Dolls, My Fair Lady, Sound of Music, and Camelot in the background. Get an aromatherapy diffuser diffusing a very light lemony fragrance. Do all this as much for you during your visits as for her.

I had the good fortune, as crazy as that sounds, of learning from two people who suffered from this horrible disease. One dealt with it with grace, humor, a leveled head and a never ending curiosity about life. The other made the Tasmanian devil seem like Shirley Temple. I wonder which I'd be if I were in those most hope-sucking, heartbreaking shoes.

Even though you are going to frequently feel like an unappreciated daughter inevitably it will end. Work on keeping yourself leveled. Get mani/pedis. Go for walks. Take deep breaths often and know that because of your empathy, patience and help you will add to what makes for an admirable person.

This is going to be tough but you have to be a warrior and a hero.
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bundleofjoy May 2022
I LOVE YOUR ANSWER :).

i’ll try some of your suggestions myself :).
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This sounds exactly like it could have been written by me and my siblings, so you are not alone. It makes the children (us) unhappy, sad, angry and frustrated! There is nothing we can or cannot do about it though, is there? Just know that none of it is your fault. It’s easier said than done, but hang there. You helped us by sharing, so thank you!
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You mention meds for depression but say she’s anxious. There’s different meds for anxiety. I agree she needs a psychiatrist to better monitor the needed meds, but maybe her PCP would get her on an anxiety med. my in-laws moved to assisted living and we’re able to get on with a geriatrician rather than the family doctor they had. Maybe there’s one available where she could have a pcp more in tune with senior issues? Good luck.
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Seekingcalm65: Her family doctor INSTRUCTED her to seek out a behavioral health specialist. If she fails to do so, that is not on you. You cannot make someone a 'happy camper' if their persona has never been as such.
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Maybe visit on a limited basis. My grandmother is unlikable and tends to cause mischief at the nursing home. She and my mom never had a good relationship and I'm only out there to either pay the monthly bill or drop off food for her on rare occasions. Before Covid, I would be out there here and there to have my grandmother sign various paperwork.
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I totally agree with Tynagh. What does your mom have to look forward to? She is dying by inches. If you think about your own future, a vacation perhaps and then imagine just facing a brick wall and everything you plan, whether just meeting up with friends or having a good meal, can never be. So I think when there is no future but illness and death, looking back may help a bit. Music is a good mood lifter if you have some songs from her youth to play. But don’t knock yourself out because this is her personality as well as her situation. At the same time, I agree she needs anti-depression meds. But like those medications people are given to control their behavior, Anti-depression medication can be given for the sake of others who don’t want to listen to a stream of complaints. Empathy goes a long way as in “Yeah that feels terrible.” People like your Mom complain because nobody ever listened the first time and tried to get them to snap out of it by focusing on “how good you have it”.
Also, you could try just watching TV with her without conversation. And, as others have said, don’t visit so often.
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I am so sorry for you and your Mother .I have been through this with family and myself. I am very familiar with PD I cared for my husband 20 years. My dear friend had PD too. I had a stroke 3 months after my husband passed ,16 months ago.
It will be difficult but she has to do some sort of excercise! Perhaps her doctor cold mandate that to her. My friend rose above her depression by participating in PD boxing, walking and more. There is so much evidence that being active helps depression and even movement in PD. Has she been evaluated for dementia?
When you visit walk with her outside for a starter. I have been very depressed since my stroke and my husband passing. Excercise works!!!
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bundleofjoy May 2022
excellent suggestions!! :)

and i wish you to recuperate well, dear, kind antie9.
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Have you talked to the doctor about stabilizing her med? Sometimes it takes up to two months [I have heard] in people, sometimes just a week. It all depends on the person. Depression is an awful thing to fight but there are some good anti-depression medication out there. It seems that she is willing to take her meds.
I feel for your mother. That is a terrible disease! It's so much more that just shaking.
Robin Williams took his life due to a form of Parkinson's so you can imagine how bad that was. Not to frighten you hon. I would have a chat with the doctor and be specific. Tell him what you shared with us. Talk to any family you might have and see if they can visit more often.
You are very special and I am so glad she has you!

Temper
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Your Mom is very lucky to have such a kind and caring child. Too bad she doesn't realize that but ............ that's not your problem. You are not God and apparently even he/she can't make all the folks happy. You can't make folks who want to be mean, miserable... what have you ... happy. Use your energy to do something else. And you are definitely overdoing it with the visits. I would give her a good week to acclimate.... or not whatever she chooses. Then I would visit maybe 3-4 times per week but make them short. If she tries to drag you down the doom and gloom road, as others have suggested tell her no... we discussed this before. No need to beat a dead horse. If she won't move on, Oops.... gotta go appointment with .... friends, vet, doctor, anyone. See ya in two days Mom. Hope you will be feeling better by then.
Yes it sounds cruel and mean but you have to learn to love you first. That is really the key to loving (and sometimes tolerating) the rest of the world.
So sorry you are going through this but I wish you health and peace on this often difficult journey.
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Charlotte22 May 2022
I totally agree with your recommendation. I have been a caregiver to my 87 yr old mother for almost 12 years now, and it’s almost killed me. My Dad did everything for her and when he died I was expected to take over. I have her over three nights a week and make her four course meals, and she still complains that I don’t do enough for her. I take care of my house and her house and all of her finances, and she refuses to make friends or do anything for herself. She constantly complains, says I don’t treat her nicely, and it finally took a toll on my health last year when I was in the hospital with stroke symptoms. I’m only 57 years old and single and I have given up my whole life for her. I am very resentful and even though she has early dementia now, she is still able to control her behaviors but refuses to. She calls me seven times a day and if I tell her that she is not coming over for dinner if she calls one more time she suddenly stops calling. I have finally learned that I have to put myself first, and take care of my daughter and spend time with her as she leaves for college this summer. When my mother goes off on tangents telling me how miserable and awful her life is, I simply plug my ears or put on earplugs. I can tell if the tone of her voice goes up and she asks if I am listening I just nod my head and say yes. She is on Xanax, anti- depressants and anti-anxiety medication and nothing works to calm her down her complaining and depression. It’s horrible.
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She definitely needs to see a psychiatrist and a counselor in order to get put on the right medication for her depression. Counseling is necessary to track her progress & make sure the meds are working. Unfortunately, most psych meds take weeks to notice a change so talking with a therapist helps teach the patient how to detect onset of depression & when to reach out for help. Hopefully she will be willing to seek help. Once she's on the right medications you should notice that she will return to some of the activities that brought her joy. With Parkinson's she may need to give up some things or modify how she does it.
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After reading so many of the answers posted, I feel like I'm not alone. My father is 98 and lives several states away from me. I have a brother who lives in a state one over from my father. Dad relies almost exclusively on me because my brother doesn't do things for him and yet my brother has his name on bank accounts etc. When my dad needed to sell some property out of state, I handled everything via Zoom and over the internet and had traveling notaries go to my Dad's house to have him sign necessary documents. By the way, he never said "thank you" even once. He calls if he needs something ordered from Amazon or elsewhere because he cannot use a computer. He has never offered to reimburse me for purchases or my time. Further, he cheated on my mom throughout their 62 years of marriage, was abusive to her and all of his children equally. I really don't care for him as a person, but will continue to assist him because that's what my Mother would expect. If your elderly person is a pain in the A--, either disengage or suck it up......your choice. I suck it up because I hope to remain the bigger person.
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It sounds like clinical depression. There are many remedies, including shock treatment, which is not the torture it used to be.

https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/depression/expert-answers/clinical-depression/faq-20057770

Yes, please do seek out a Psychiatrist near you who specializes in this area.

https://www.parkinson.org/Understanding-Parkinsons/Symptoms/Non-Movement-Symptoms/Depression
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It's harder for elderly people to just snap out of depression. Maybe medication would help. If that is what is wrong with her. If she is saying antidepressants are not working, maybe she is not depressed.
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She doesn't need anti-depressant meds she needs activities.
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bundleofjoy May 2022
exactly. :)
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dear OP :),

just to add 1 thing.
some people:

what makes them happy IS complaining. THAT’S what gives them joy - and in particular complaining to YOU and about YOU.

(1) sometimes:
one might think the person is miserable, but they’re not - their whole joy is based on being negative. this means they’ll tear down everything you say/do.

(2) but, sometimes, someone is truly miserable.

you have to see which category they’re in. (1 or 2)
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BurntCaregiver May 2022
Well said, bundle.

If everything the OP is doing for her mother makes absolutely no difference in that person's misery, complaining, and negativity then she should stop doing for her and even stop visiting her altogether. At least for a while. Why make yourself miserable and crazy being around such a person when there's nothing you can do to help them?
My own mother is exactly like you describe and it almost ruined my life. I can say I really don't care if her misery and negativity is genuine or for sport. I do for her as a caregiver. She gets placed the minute I decide to stop, and she knows it. I tolerate zero complaining to me or about me. I don't include her in any part of my social life. My do-nothing sibling visits her once or twice a month and takes her out a few times a year. That's literally the least she can do. There is no "venting" to me about anything. If I sense some instigating or snide complaining starting up, I walk away and totally ignore her. I make sure she gets her meals, medications and anything else she needs. Besides that we really don't have a lot to do with each other. This is the only way I can make it work with her.
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PLEASE GET HER OFF THESE ANTI-DEPRESSENT DRUGS! That is very likely the problem! They are dangerous and sometimes even make people suicidal.

There are far more simple and healthy things you can do. Like a cup of chamomile tea. There are of course other things you can do too. Essential oils like bergamot, lavender, clary sage, grapefruit, ylang ylang are said to help.

Getting her to be more active both physically and mentally is important. It is good that she is closer to you so you can help. But she is still stuck in a place that she thinks is the END OF LIFE. Not a place she wants to be (nor would you). I always recommend people try to have in home care. Some of these places are neglectful and abusive. I hope she is not in one of those.

She needs to know she has family that cares and loves her most of all! Please let her know this! I am sure you do! But keep reminding her.
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bundleofjoy May 2022
“PLEASE GET HER OFF THESE ANTI-DEPRESSENT DRUGS!”

i agree.
many of these drugs create exactly that which they’re supposed to stop.

of course OP, speak with a doctor, ask their opinion.

and also, never cut cold turkey.
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Have you ever had Parkinson's?
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peace4all May 2022
That isn't very helpful - she is looking for suggestions. Not everyone with Parkinson's acts this way.
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As others have said, you can't be responsible for other people's happiness. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink.

That being said, I find things like exercise and social activities being good antidotes to loneliness and depression, but a person has to have the will and the way to do them.

Why not raise the problem to the nursing home and see if they have an activities or recreation therapist who could check in on your mother. Maybe they could persuade her to join an activities group or gentle exercise class.

Perhaps pills are not the right thing and socializing and exercise are.

You might take your mother for trips out of the nursing home, if nothing supportive can be found there, and take her to a senior center where they have gentle exercise classes and activities. 2 hours doing that might beat 3 hours of sitting with her.
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helenb63 May 2022
'... a person has to have the will and the way to do them.' This is the heart of the problem with some, like my own mother, who never took any initiative in her younger days and certainly won't now. She goes on her own to a very few social activities but pours scorn on the 'old biddies' who get together to knit and natter (no doubt thereby helping their mental and emotional health and making useful things for charity) and refuses point blank to do any exercises, despite complaining about aches and pains. It does make you wonder if she actually *likes* being miserable...
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Reg docs don't know how to prescribe depression meds. You need a psychiatrist for proper dosing. I speak from experience. And that was from a psychiatrist's mouth as well. Get a 2nd opinion. Is the prescribing doc a reg doc or a geriatric doctor?
It sounds like she is still suffering from depression unless that has been her personality all along.
There is a Parkinson's personality type. Is she that type? You can look that up easily.
I would definitely look into a geriatric psychiatrist.
Elderly tend to be grumpy. No one likes being old, in pain and not able to do for themselves, and realizing they are getting to the end of their life.
Id get a 2nd opinion to make sure she is on the proper dose. Depression is common in elderly.
You also have to learn to let the grumpyness and complaining go. Not take it personally, and stop trying to make her feel better or fix it when she brings it up. You can't. Change subject. Dont answer. Talk about something else. Don't take it personally. Easier said than done of course. And it starts making you depressed! If the complaining gets to be to much, cut the visit short. She will learn that you are not the dumping ground for complaining. Say when your in a better mood, I will be back. She will then learn to complain less. And don't feel guilty for cutting the visit short. You are teaching her she cannot treat you bad bc you are a relative. You keep boundaries with other people. You can have healthy boundaries with her too. Good luck.
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My mother is 80 with Parkinson’s and has always been a handful, If I look back over her life there were signs.

In my opinion my mother has an undiagnosed personality disorder, and the Parkinson’s made it worse.

She won’t even take antidepressants bc she says why should I take something to make me think my life isn’t sh!t when it is. It’s always other peoples fault.

Then proceeds to make everyone miserable.
That’s the only time she seems to be enjoying herself.

I finally stepped away but it took a real toll on my health.
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Alwaysdobetter5 May 2022
Your mother's statement, "why should I take something to make me think my life isn’t sh!t when it is" shows she's an astute, feisty woman. I think her statement is a reasonable recognition that aging is a downhill process as we naturally deteriorate. As my 83-year-old sister says, "Life only gets worse." I sympathize with you that her behavior has taken a toll on you and everyone else. I sympathize with her if your stepping away reduced her one enjoyment in life. I don't mean to make light of the situations you are both enduring, since it's tragic for both of you, but I admire your mother's and your honesty, and your sense of humor even though it may have been unintentional. I would add that antidepressants can have serious side effects, as alluded to by others in these posts.
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I can appreciate your feelings about the whole thing, but she is clinically depressed.There could be a medical reason for the depression. She definitely needs a psychiatrist to prescribe something new. When depression gets so bad, life has no zing to it any more. I have a neighbor who breaks down in tears and he has no desire to rehab his Historical home that was once his hobby. He is so overwhelmed and can’t see light at the end of the tunnel. If there is an illness, like your relative has, it becomes even harder to pull out of the pit of depression. Get her to a new doc now for all concerned. Best of luck to you and yours.
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I completely understand your feelings of wanting to give up. My mom lives with me and is so miserable. I know it’s depression but she refuses to acknowledge that it could be depression. So she had no friends anymore because she has alienated them all along with most of the family. She is ultra critical of everyone and everything. She has some health issues and the very beginnings of dementia but really could be fairly independent but spends about 95% of her time watching TV. I vacillate between wanting to kill her and feeling sorry for her all the time. I have finally decided that I’m not going to change her because nothing I do or say seems to matter…but I can change the way I respond to her. The other day, while eating dinner, she was being ultra critical of some family friends. I just picked up my plate and ate in a different room. It was empowering. It’s not easy or perfect but changing my response is starting to help me mentally. If nothing else, know you are not alone!
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You cannot change another person's attitude toward life. It's up to your mother to look for something positive in her life or her surroundings. You can offer encouragement, but the next step is up to her. If she complains about the food, ask if there is one thing on the menu that is actually pretty good. If she complains about the staff, ask if there is any one aide she is glad to see on duty . . that sort of thing to help her re-focus.

Next time you visit, stay briefly, don't listen to her long rants about her miseries. Pick up your things, give her a hug and tell her you'll be back "Thursday."
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I can’t help but think it’s partly the disease itself as well as her own grief over what she’s lost. It’s got to be devastating. When I moved my father in with me after his dementia was finally diagnosed I had visions of making his life happier and taking him outside (he loved being outside all his life) for little walks etc. Well I quickly realized his mental state due to the disease made my ideas of how it was going to be crumble quickly. The best I could do for him was to make sure he was fed, clean and looked after. I could not make him happy or be able to accept his lack of independence. So I had to accept that as part of his dementia and just do the best I could. I hope the psychiatrist can help her sort it all out.
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