I was an accidental baby and I was never allowed to forget that when I was growing up. My 2 older sisters got all kinds of attention, caring, toys and clothes that I did not get. I left home within a few months of turning 18 and never went back. Nevertheless, when I was in my '60's and Mom started needing help and my sisters were overwhelmed I started thinking about it. I knew that the deep mother-daughter relationship that some have would not develop. (I think that if you don't have that by the age of about 12, it just isn't going to happen.) Mom has nothing worth inheriting, so financial gain was of no concern.
Ultimately, my husband and I sold our beach-side property in Delaware and moved to the farming community where Mom and my sisters live. We agreed that each of us would do only what we could do and that Mom would be able to stay at her home only as long as she could manage most of her affairs. We all draw different lines, but we have them. Sometimes there is some tension because I do less than the others do, but mostly it has been a good experience.
What did I gain? I have formed a kind of friendship with my Mom that I didn't have before. I have learned a lot about her life that explains--but does not excuse--her neglect of me in childhood. The fact is that I don't do a whole lot of work in the sense of cleaning or cooking, nor do I take her to doctor appointments (I am not on her HIPPA list and have no right to know about her medical conditions). What I did pre-COVID was take her to lunch or take lunch to her once or twice each week, take her to run errands, pick up her prescriptions, take her to the art store so she could buy felt-tip pens for her coloring books and look around at what else was there, and similar things. My only goal was to have a little fun with her. We both really enjoyed those little trips. We did, in fact, have fun together. My sisters took care of the other things at her home, I took care of shopping trips and going for drives to see the spring/summer/fall color or to look at waterfalls or lakes. We do not have the same bond she has with my older sisters, but we have developed a rather comfortable friendship. She has apologized for depriving me of some opportunities in childhood. That did not feel as good as I always thought it would. It turned out to make little difference. That was so long ago and this woman with whom I am now friends is not that woman of my childhood. Now, with COVID, I take her little things when I can, call her on the phone. I do not go into her home because I am not in her bubble but she enjoys getting little treats that I leave at her door. I move back 10 or 15 feet and we both keep our masks on and talk for a few minutes before I leave. We both look forward to getting the vaccine so we can go back to taking rides together and going for lunch.
This would not have worked if I had tried to do more than I felt that I could do for her. Sticking to a role that felt comfortable with has made an important difference. I wouldn't say that my childhood wounds have all healed, but they have been put in the past where they belong.
Another benefit of moving back into my home state has been getting reacquainted with my sisters. We were never really estranged, but I have formed much deeper understanding and friendships with my sisters. We sisters will grow old together and we share more than we used to think we shared. Among other things, we have talked about childhood events and learned how differently we experienced them. I do miss my home on the East coast, but I think that I have gained enough to make it worthwhile.
I wanted to share this and hear from others who are caring for mothers who did not care for them. What have you learned or gained from the experience? I have found that setting strict limits on my participation in her care made some measure of healing possible. Have you found similar things? Has your experience been different?
It is so very, very hard to not have those thoughts as front and center; every time my mother guilts and expects me to be at her beckon call; and every time that I answer that call.
I have been trying to distance myself.. I begged my sister (spoiled) for help (no way).
Yet, creating distance or saying 'no' causes me such guilt.
The more I try to not listen to her tirades about: how I am stupid, my own children hate me, I am a terrible mother, everyone wants me to disappear, why don't I go and just kill myself and put the world out of misery, I am a liar, thief, abuser, etc. etc. etc.
It goes on and on.
As a child, I was beaten almost daily.. for no reason. It was my mother's way of alleviating 'stress'. I still have permanent scars on my body from her abuse.
Yet, I was still trying to get her love - always want her to love me (and not hurt me) just a little bit.
She ends her tirades with; "you know I love you, but you are a fu*@Ing b***h", etc. etc.
I have been criticized all my life; was beaten as a child; ran away 6 times before I was 10. Yet, here we are; trying to care for the same woman who hated and still hates me!!!
So, yes, I get the pain. I don't have answers. I just wanted you to know that you are NOT alone.
I hope that we, women, can find some love, somewhere.
I have been trying my whole life. I would never intentionally hurt another human being because we know the cost of the destruction of our souls by their un-erasable damage.
I haven’t seen much of her since, although she did fight for joint custody because she said it made herself feel better (& yes I had to wait till I was 18 to get my license because she needed to co-sign and I couldn’t find her, also had difficulty leaving the country to go with extended family on vacation when I was young because I needed her permission). I’ve known for years she clearly has mental issues but she also told us she never wanted us. She never wanted children, yet she had 3... No mother Instincts what so ever. I’m completely different than her, thank God. My sister checks in on her now that she’s older and is her POA. My sister was out of house when my mother left, so technically she doesn’t have abandonment issues which makes it a little easier. She did ask me to send her toilet paper last year when stores were running out. I managed to do so, but I sent it through the mail so I wouldn’t have to see her. 😊
My mother-n-law was given away when she was little. Yet she managed to go back to her parents many years later and take care of them in their home till they passed. I admire her for doing so but I don’t think I could ever do it. Not sure how she did
I think you handled the issue with the toilet paper very well. It is in small compromises like this where we can inch forward in our relationships. You took care of her needs, but put your own needs first in solving the problem. I salute you.
One of my tricks in dealing with Mom has been to take her out. This gives her a break from home (she was always a bit of a gad-about) which also relieved my sisters of running errands. On the other hand, I spent very little time in her house. Too many years of "as long as you are in my house..." has made me twitchy about being in her house for more than a few minutes. By taking Mom out in MY car, that somehow makes me the adult, the caretaker. We need to use all the tricks we can come up with to preserve our hard-earned dignity and self-respect.
I don't understand your mother-in-law either. I wish I could hear from her. It would be nice to know if she managed to become the adult in the home of her parents or if she submitted to self-sacrifice. I hope the former. It would be nice to know, perhaps she had some insight that would help us.
Take care of yourself and be proud of becoming your own person in spite of all you had to overcome. You didn't give up. That is a big thing.
If you don’t do such and such for me, then I won’t come over to your house anymore, etc.
I finally had to back off seeing her as much. She lived in her house by herself, was a gambling addict, and a severe hoarder. She refused anybody’s help. She was competent in the eyes of the law and medical professionals. She wouldn’t bathe or wash her hair or change her clothes. She refused to let me help her.
It got to the point I only went to see her once a week and my son went over twice a week to bring in the mail and take out the garbags.
She suffered a stroke, I was at the hospital with her. I don’t even think she knew who I was but she reached up and I bent down and gave her a kiss, she kissed me back.
A couple days later she was in a coma and i told her how much I loved her and my brother came too. We stayed with her till she passed away a little after midnight on October 31.
You definitely did the right thing in caring for yourself first. It was good of you to take one day a week to check on her, and I am happy for you that you were able to have an appropriate goodbye to the mother you knew. I am sorry for your losses, first to the mother you loved, then to the person she became. I hope your final goodbye brings you peace.
What a heart felt story and so beautiful. I am so sorry you had such a difficult childhood and reading your post made me cry. I am happy you and your mother made amends and you moved on. You seem like such a strong and loving person. I do not know if I could do what you do if it was reversed. I am fortunate to have such a great mother all my life and I thank God for her. I tell my mother all the time thank you for being a wonderful and caring mom. I feel sad for others that did not have a good upbringing. I think the caregivers on this site are extraordinary people who really do care for their parents and make sure they are well taken care of in a facility or at home. I am sure it is not an easy task. I always say caregiving is difficult even in the best of circumstances. I hope you can get back to those special trips with your mom.
It is not the same thing to drop things off at her house and talk to each other for a minute or two from 15 feet away. I think one of the good things about going to a park or some other beautiful space is that we can be silent and enjoy what is around us. The fact that we are sharing a beautiful experience makes us both happier.
I think some people get so distracted by the physical aspects of care-giving that they lose sight of the healing that can come from simply sharing a beautiful place. I often think that one benefit of putting the elderly in residential care is that their family can then concentrate on the emotional well-being of the elders. I think peace and beauty rank higher priorities than physical niceties once the basics are taken care of. Unfortunately, the basics can take a lot of effort from a child who is 60 or 70. Most of us could use more sisters.
One of the things my Mom has done in the last 2 years is edit her father's diaries and added memories of her own. My sisters helped her edit the texts and I edited the photo pages, fixing up the old photos as much as I could. One sister took the pages to a printer and had copies made of all the children, grandchildren and great grandchildren. Some of the events Mom describes in the memoir surprised me a lot and helped me to understand some of Mom's reserve and semi-buried hostilities. It doesn't change much, but it helps to understand some of the why's.
I can understand why you have some difficulty plunging into your parents' secrets. It is a difficult thing to question the details of your childhood and have to readjust to all the past drama. I think that if you allow yourself to relax about it and put it off for a while longer you will be able to think about it more easily. It took me about 30 years of caring for myself before I could even think about re-evaluating my relationship with my mother.
I think that sometimes taking care of yourself is letting yourself NOT be to eager to push into the why's and the details. You may ultimately find those answers. You may decide that they don't matter anymore. Give yourself the space to do what you need and I am sure that you will carefully find your way. Good luck. These tender issues do take a long time to unravel in a way that heals instead of tearing us up even more.
I am 83 and mother passed only a couple of years ago aged 106 I was her POA financial and medical, and am her executrix since she died. I did it all from a distance. Therapy has been a godsend. I have gone off and on all my adult life. I don't know if full healing will ever happen.
You are right that my sisters have been real angels in my life. Like parents, siblings can be a blessing or a curse. It is a good thing that you had the strength to do what you needed to do.
I agree that therapy can be wonderful. I, too, have needed multiple courses of therapy. I definitely have a brighter life because of the insights and changes inspired by the therapy sessions.
Your answer is one that I sort of expected when I wrote my post. When an adult who was an uncared-for child is expected to care for the un-caring parent there really is no right answer or wrong answer. The adult must do whatever she/he can do to salvage themselves. If they can also give some level of care to their parent, that is a plus. I hope that others who read this will know that if they must make the choices you made that they are not alone.
I don't know if those of us who were deeply damaged as small children will ever have complete healing. I am thrilled to have a measure of peace and a new beginning with a family that is what I wish it could have been when I was a child. To those who grew up in happy families it may seem small. To me it is huge.
I do hope that you will find peace. Perhaps you will also find friends that will mean much more to your peace and contentment. Thank you for sharing.
Mum was there in first lockdown and was very difficult,mum likes to dress up and go shopping and socialise... something she couldn't do in lockdown there ,and now here in the UK with very severe restrictions
...she turns 80 this year and fluctuates from really sweet to emotional bashing me.....
I did used to bite back,that I remember from my youth....her joy seems to be humiliating me in front of my husband which is very sad.
Im a calm , measured person like my dad who passed years ago,so this constant poking me for an argument makes me feel that maybe that's what she had with my dad, constant sparring..she was very spoilt by him....it annoys her that I don't the the bait as often as she wants.
Living with her has been mostly ok, I take her out with our dog daily,and take her to see seasonal changes in the car...
but it's becoming more difficult and absolutely more demanding. Is this covid isolation or something deeper.
I hope you can find a way to disarm this and other abuses. After years of non-engagement I found the strength to repudiate the malicious comments and leave. It took a couple of years, but Mom finally learned that I would no longer participate in her disparagement by passively accepting it.
One thing that I found that might help you was to respond in calm, unemotional tones immediately followed by threat of consequences. For instance, at a luncheon with her friends she started making up an "entertaining" false story about how I supposedly had let the dog clean up my 2 year old boys and the floor after their lunch. I responded, "That is not true, Mom. I took very good care of my kids and my house. If you are going to make things up like this perhaps I shouldn't bring you to these lunches with your friends. I think it is time we left." I then did not call her or speak to her for the rest of the week. The next time I took her to lunch it was just the 2 of us. I brought up the episode at the previous lunch and told her that she had hurt me and that I could not live with that kind of treatment. It was a rather short lunch, but very polite.
As I said, it took two or three years of this to cut the incidents to nearly nothing. She had always treated me as the butt of bad "jokes" so it was a difficult habit for her to break. One of my conditions in moving and helping care for Mom was that I would allow no abuse and would stop seeing her at all if she couldn't change.
At the end of our trial summer I saw significant improvement. The luncheons with her friends were very important to her and after this incident she never made up things about me to entertain her friends again. 2 of my sisters hated those luncheons and wouldn't take her to them and I actually liked her friends and could enjoy talking to them, but only if I were not subjected to poor treatment. Mom was old, no longer able to drive, but not stupid. She learned to speak of other things.
I guess that at some level she knew that stubborn runs strong in our family and that I would stand on what I said. That trial summer was 2013 and we are still working on family peace, but we have all learned some restraint. The pleasant times now predominate, but I wouldn't ever think of seeing Mom more than twice in one week. I think that too much time together would be too likely to bring back old habits.
Try to find times to just be with yourself. Do things that you like to do, things that make you happy. The COVID isolation is hard on everyone. I can't imagine being cooped up with my mom 7 days a week.
Does she have others that she can talk to on Zoom or FaceTime? Seeing the faces of others while talking is so much better than just talking. If you have a friend or relative who can use a cell phone to take a tour of their gardens or a park, it may help your Mom to feel less confined. Even moving the cell phone around the dining room or living room to show your Mom the seasonal decor would help her. A trick that my sisters use more than I do is to bring out old photograph albums and encourage Mom to talk about good times in the past. It takes the focus off the miserable present. It sometimes even works to rent a movie online that was filmed in the '50's to bring back the memories of those good years in her life. One sister gets the movie started then goes into the kitchen to "make tea." Mom watches the movie and the sister warms the water on medium and looks out the window in blissful silence.
You are in a difficult place. Protect yourself as well as you can. Remember that as much as you try to do what you can for your mother, she is the one who will choose to find the way to take pleasure in something.
The other too familiar thing is the notion that the "golden" sister is so great. They never seem to be perfect to anyone but their adoring parents. When I started to talk to my older sisters about how our family life was not as good as it seemed to some it took a while for them to admit that they didn't really get the support they needed either. They were left trying to live up to the unreal standards imposed on them.
I think a good thing for you would be to make a list of limits and be sure your sister and mother both know them You seem to have several that are the same as some of mine: the no touching means that there will be no intimate care, personal hygiene must be within Mom's limits or she goes into residential care; No bad-mouthing--if I am not worthy of your attention, you are not worthy of mine; no cohabiting, when Mom can't manage her home and her personal affairs she goes into residential care.
For what may be the first time, you are in the driver's seat in your relationship with your mother. I think you will be fine if you define what is unacceptable, refuse what you cannot provide, then wait to see what happens.
I wish you luck. Perhaps you can get your sister on board at some point. One of the key parts of sharing the Mom-care for us was agreeing to not allow Mom to talk bad about us behind our backs. If you can't get her to agree and follow through, your choices are much more limited. Whatever you do, please stick to your limits. I firmly believe that perpetuating the abuse by putting up with does harm to both you and your Mom. Never let anyone guilt-trip you into doing anything that you can't do and keep your self-respect. If your mom and sister can't accept your limits that is their fault, not yours.
By the way, I also identify with the mystery of why the mistreatment. I wasted a lot of time in my first 10 years trying to figure out what I needed to do so my mother would love me. That still hurts when I think of it. I tried so hard and nothing was ever good enough. The best thing in my life was when I decided to quit trying and just do what was best for me. When I have had doubts in the last 7 years of caring for Mom--even on the limited basis I have chosen--the memory of those tormented years puts steel in my spine.
I asked the question at the top to see how others cope with their childhood demons relating to their parents, I am sure each of us has a slightly different answer. You seem to be able to make your decisions and stick with them. Trust yourself, I am sure you will make wise decisions.
You asked what did I do.... I spent about 6 years in therapy. The best thing I did for myself. Towards the end before she died in 2004, I was finally able to touch her. I still wasn't able to let her touch me. Because of the therapy I was able to find out why she did a lot of things she did and also let her know how I felt. These conversations coupled with my therapy helped me understand that she just did not have it in her to care about me. Like someone born blind. My brother was the golden child and he was loved, even by me.
I felt nothing for her when she died. Her last words to me were scolding ones. That figures.
It is sad that she was so incapable of loving, she lost a lot in refusing her daughter's love. I hope you have found a good life for yourself and have found many things that you can love. I find that it is easier for me to be passionate about my home, my gardens, and similar things that to trust too much in the people around me. I do find great solace when I can find friends like my 2nd husband, my children, and a few others. Nevertheless, deep friendships are difficult for me. There is simply too much trust involved.
It is sad that your mother was so nasty, but at least you saved yourself from her poisonous tongue. I hope your own old age will be much happier and filled with loving thoughts. I hope you will find people you can love and trust.
If we had more people with your outlook, the world would be a better place.
You certainly had bumps in the road, as we all have, but you were able to find your way over those bumps without resentment or hatred. I find that so refreshing!
You do seem to have a strong support system, which definitely helps.
I am very happy to see an outcome such as yours. No doubt, you bring hope and joy to those near you. You are gracious and kind. I sense that you have found peace in your heart and soul.
Keep inspiring others.
I will never have what you have in your family due to my own individual circumstances and I have accepted it.
I so enjoy reading about those who can successfully achieve a healthy balance in their lives. It brings a smile to my face.
2% of the total is 6,564,000.
Who wants to be one of those more than 6.5 Million who don't recover?
Go to real sources of scientific information, if you're going to spread it. The CDC has a nice page on mRNA vaccines:
https://www.cdc.gov/vaccines/covid-19/hcp/mrna-vaccine-basics.html
An excerpt from that page:
"mRNA can most easily be described as instructions for the cell on how to make a piece of the “spike protein” that is unique to SARS-CoV-2. Since only part of the protein is made, it does not do any harm to the person vaccinated but it is antigenic. (*my addition - antigenic means it is an antigen which the body doesn't recognize, so it makes antibodies to combat it.)
After the piece of the spike protein is made, the cell breaks down the mRNA strand and disposes of them using enzymes in the cell. It is important to note that the mRNA strand never enters the cell’s nucleus or affects genetic material. This information helps counter misinformation about how mRNA vaccines alter or modify someone’s genetic makeup."
NOTE it says it does not alter or modify YOUR genetic makeup.
With the Alzheimers, your mom will continue to move away from you and any true memories and any connections that were true at that time.
I have gradually become convinced that more families are dysfunctional in some way than could be considered truly well-functioning. Sometimes the only way forward is to accept that there is no relationship to embrace. If there is no possibility of redeeming the damaged relationship it is a good decision to abandon it. Then you become your own parent of sorts, giving yourself what you need. Had my trial 3 months of living within 20 miles of my mother had shown no promise I would have happily returned to my Atlantic home and lived there with no regrets at all about leaving my childhood beyond.
I hope you find peace and satisfaction in embracing the life that you have made for yourself. You will be a much better parent to yourself than your parents were.
BOTH of my inlaws passed away in the past 6 weeks-my FIL first on 12/16 and my MIL a week ago today. My husband and I talked about it and neither of us have any regrets in their care or that we could/should have done differently. If I had not had boundaries for the past 10 years and changed my focus I could have come to resent HIM and all the time/effort caring for them took. Instead I looked at it as honoring and caring for HIM.
You handled your in-laws with maturity and from that you made wise decisions as well as heeding the advice from the woman who mentored you by laying your hurt and pain at the foot of the cross. Also, it was mature of you to let them think your husband and BIL were doing everything even though it was you working behind the scenes!
Because of that, the past 10 years you were able to see it as honoring and caring for your husband. It was a win-win for his parents, your marriage (and your BIL) and now that they are both gone, you've been able to look at it with no regrets. That will go a long way when it comes to processing your grief.
Well done and good advice to those who haven't come to that point yet.
Mom was an insulin-dependent diabetic with kidney and liver diseases doctors were surprised she lived to be 90, and I never had to give her any psychotropics or narcotics because she always felt loved and secure with me taking care of her. She was on hospice for 2 years but I used them to renew her routine meds, and diaper supplies and ointments. I battled her Alzheimer's for 15 years, and ironically it was not Alzheimer's that killed her--it was her failing kidneys and liver due to years and years and years being dependent on insulin. Still, mom died very comfortably, and she was content even with advanced Alzheimer's. In the end I had to get a feeding tube because I did not want mom to die of dehydration. I could not bear to watch her die like that for weeks. So the feeding tube kept her comfortable and well nourished and hydrated. Controlling her sugars was easy but that feeding tube sure took a LOT of work to keep clean and patent. I never regretted it. I kept mom moving as long as I could she was only bedridden for 2-1/2 months but her Alzheimer's was so severe I had to keep her on a bowel schedule (Lactulose did great!) every Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Sundays. Just like clockwork. I changed her diapers about 5-6 times a day. She had perfect skin to the end. LACTULOSE is ideal for kidney patients. Never give magnesium or phosphate based laxatives for kidney patients because they cannot get rid of those electrolytes. Lactulose is osmotic based laxative -- it's an indigestible sugar so it goes to the bowel and accumulates water making evacuation safe and effective. Sugarless candies are similar to lactulose, which is why they can cause diarrhea due to the osmotic effect on the bowels.
That was the seed mom sown when I was born--she loved me every single day-- and I cared for her back. The saying goes you reap what you sow.
So I do not know how I would feel in your situation. You are a much better person than I could ever be.
I will never have a nice lunch or drive with my mother. And I’m at peace with that. I “case manage” her affairs but have no contact. The past and ongoing negativity and abuse is too much.
I guess that even with my own strict minimal participation in my mother’s affairs, I have had a lot of healing because I learned that the past will never change, and I haven’t let it impact my present. I used to wonder “why” all the time, wanting some profound answer, but I have learned that doesn’t exist! I am doing the right thing in insuring she is safe and has proper care despite everything. I have also learned that what other people think of my choices doesn’t matter. And I have learned that saying no is the best medicine.
Once again thank you for sharing your story!
I think that you were wise to move on from "why" to what is. The why is seldom profound. I found that some of the reasons that Mom was the way she was were disappointingly simple. It was much easier to meet her on basis of the present and put the past where it belonged.
I think that you made the right choice for you and that is the most important thing. Enjoy your peace, you deserve it.
Knowing your limits and sticking to them is essential in caring for others. I have insisted that I spend no more that 2 days with Mom each week, and on those 2 days it is usually something between 2 and 4 hours, depending on what we do and how we feel. On the days when Mom didn't feel up to going anywhere I used to take her lunch. We would visit for a bit, I would clean up the lunch things and leave. That was usually just an hour or so, but it was enough for both of us.
I am lucky to have sisters who do much of the caregiving so that I was never confronted with the awesome task of trying to manage everything. "Helping" someone else can be so much easier because any little thing that can be done eases the total job. I can't be sure what I would have done if I had not had sisters to take on the majority of the work, but I sort of think I might have been overwhelmed and not taken on any of it. I have great respect for those who do take on the role of primary caregiver.
I too had and still have a emotionally distant relationship with my mother. She will not change at this point.
Cautiously, enjoy this kinder perspective and keep enjoying those little trips. Having fun together will show you that your mother has always been capable of being civil towards you, but instead she deliberately decided to abuse you and not your siblings during your lifetime. Your present-day "having fun together," likely matches the kinder childhood experiences of your siblings.
Be cautious, with understanding that, she still has that directed selective abuse within her. From a clinical perspective don't be surprised if she's complaining to your siblings about you, behind your back, since that's the modus operandi of that type of (neglecting/ignoring) passively abusive personality.
Props to you, because your approach and perspective is brilliantly insightful b/c, (as you wrote), "it has enforced needed boundaries, in a situation where limiting your participation in her care is needed for some measure of healing." Boundaries, as you understand are incredibly important again, Good on you for giving only what you feel capable of giving, on your terms.
Re-engaging with mother and sister's seems to have had a positive impact on the OP. No expectations of a grand welcome and forgiveness for what was. Just take what IS day to day. Being able to bring a little joy into the mother's life can bring joy to one's own life. Relish the "little" things and let the other things go.
You are a wonderful inspiration to others. Hopefully there are many who can take your lessons to heart and forge forward with their own "journeys."
Many abusive dynamics continue throughout adulthood, in ways undetectable to the victim, which keeps, the past in the present perpetually.
As an example, many manipulative abusive parents will interfere with their adult-children's lives, deliberately causing divorces, job losses, evictions, etc.
Which means that the PAST isn't always in the PAST. Hopefully assumptions that a person is stuck in the past, can be more cognizant of unknowns.
The OP, has presented a brilliant approach that has involved a serious level of detachment and research, which is a great inspiration, that is a great recipe for situations that are 100% disengaged.
I admire your outlook in this situation.
I am curious to know more if you don’t mind sharing.
You say that you moved away at 18 and never looked back. Good for you! I like your independent spirit.
How did you find out about your mom’s needs? Did you maintain contact from afar?
What was your relationship like with your father?
You seem very stable and confident. Did that come from your dad? You don’t mention him.
I can’t imagine that your confidence stems from your mom or sisters. Did you figure it out on your own?
I think it is wonderful that you hold no bitterness in your heart.
I love that you aren’t trying to fulfill a childhood dream. You are a realist in every way.
I also love that you listened to your mom’s story of her life, as an adult.
Very often as adults we are able to comprehend things that were far beyond our reach as children.
I love that you are open to having a relationship with them without depending on them for your self worth.
You seem to have a strong sense of who you are.
You are the exact type of person that I would enjoy sharing a cup of coffee with or perhaps a glass of wine.
If you wrote a book I would be first in line to buy it. Do you write or journal?
Outlooks such as yours are rare these days, very rare.
I sense a calmness in your words, a person with peace in your heart and I would love to know how you achieved this after experiencing deep pain in your childhood.
You are an inspiration and I feel that you could teach many of us quite a few lessons.
You have truly expressed to us that in some situations lemonade can be made out of lemons.
I see genuine caring in your words.
You chose this reconnection with your family.
You didn’t have to be involved in their lives and no one would judge you for checking out completely.
You are loving and forgiving and don’t waste time dwelling on the past.
It is impossible to excuse everything and hand out free passes to everyone, clearly you don’t hold grudges, nor do I. Nor are you looking for perfection. There is no utopia.
Anyway, I really enjoyed reading your posting.
Take care and may you always live with the peace in your heart that you seem to have.
The biggest change in my life came in my early teen years when I finally accepted the fact that my parents were not the people who could help me in my life. Recently the school district had made arrangements for special tutoring for me to accommodate my interests in math, but my mother refused to allow it. If my older sisters did not get it, I couldn't either. I quit trying to please and engage them and started looking out for myself and my own best interests. I found out what I needed to get scholarships and started working toward them in the 8th grade. I took part in the sports that interested me without asking for any input from my parents. The family doctor gave me the sports "physical" gratis and I forged the necessary papers for the school. In truth my parents didn't care if I stayed at school until 5pm every day and didn't care if I was doing track or debate club.
We did not have open hostilities. It was more a matter of all of us ignoring each other much of the time. In a way that was very good because the relationships could morph into different things.
At 17 an entirely unsuitable man asked me to marry him. I said yes. We married when I was 18, then divorced a decade later. I made my way through college and grad school with scholarships, grants, loans, work study. I was always self-supporting. I did maintain contact with my family. In fact, I always took my 2 kids to their Grandma's house for Christmas. I thought there was no reason why my distance from my mother should deprive either my sons of their grandparents nor my parents of their grandchildren. Having spent a lifetime with no closeness, no nurturing, no love, I wanted my children to know that they were surrounded by love and wanted by all their family. They never knew how distant the relationship was between my parents and me. In fact, once I was no longer part of their household, I think they thought more of me than they ever had when I was living with them.
A year after my divorce I moved East to pursue a Ph.D. program. My children went with me. I sent them to my mother's every year for Christmas and for a month during summer break. We exchanged letters and I called my sisters several times each year. I had a close budget, so I had to severely limit phone calls. During the 30+ years in which we saw little of each other, old tensions eased. Each of my sisters came to visit me at least once in the time I lived in the East. Gradually old tensions eased, though we weren't really close.
It wasn't until we were older and my 2nd husband I I were semi-retired in our beach house that Mom started to have a few difficulties. At first I just ignored the conversational bits from my older sister who was the only care-giver. My husband and I talked about the advantages of moving to the small town in Oregon where we now live--climate, lower cost of living, etc. When we decided to make the move my sisters went out of their way to ease the transition and helped in many ways.
I was always clear on the limited ways I would help in taking care of Mom. My sisters were ok with my limits, because it still took some of the load off their hands.
I wrote this post in the hopes that others might see that even a small effort, given without grudges about the past, and in hope, might give some nice rewards. I think it is key that caregivers give only what they feel capable of giving. Only in that way can both the aging parent and the adult child enjoy a relationship that is based on the present, not on the failures in the past. There is hope for peace.
I want to end with this quote from Rick Warren's book, The Purpose Driven Life. In it he says, "You are not an accident. Your birth was no mistake or mishap, and your life is no fluke of nature. Your parents may not have planned you, but God did. He was not at all surprised by your birth. In fact, He expected it. You are alive, because God wanted to create you!"
I hope you will always remember that, and take comfort in knowing that the most High God chose you for such a time as this. May God continue to heal and bless you.
Thanks for writing this. I think your experience is great for others to see and weigh.
I certainly agree with you that adult children owe their parents nothing, especially when nothing was given to them. My own children have viewed their stepdad as their real dad and the other as "bio-dad". When their bio-dad asked them for money when he retired with no savings I told them "add up all the money he gave you for college, double it, and send him that every month." Silence. Then "but Mom, he never sent us anything." Precisely. That is what was owed.
When they were growing up I required them to send bio-dad a card for Christmas and one for his birthday. Had he responded in a friendly way there was a path to establish a real relationship. He never bothered. The boys (identical twins) continue a rather formal relationship with bio-dad, but give him no money and do not invite him to their home. There simply is nothing there. I was very careful to give them the space to develop a relationship with bio-dad, but they seemed to see it as a lost cause. After all, they enjoyed very close relationships with their extended family on my side, and our home was open and loving when they were growing up.
It is their bio-dad's loss that he did not form a relationship with his sons. It is both my loss and my mother's loss that we did not share a loving relationship for the first 65 years of my life. However, it is well worth putting in some effort to have a new relationship in our late years.
To be fair, I must admit that we did a "trial run" of sorts. A year before we sold our house we rented it for the summer and went to Oregon to live in a small apartment for 3 months to see what it might be like living near my family after so long apart. We didn't just sell our house and move blindly. Everything pointed to a good change. One brother-in-law played golf with my husband, another took him fishing and crabbing. We had some family potlucks, and took a couple of camping trips together. I did what I continued to do after the move: I took my mother to lunch every week, took her to her swimming class, and took her shopping and sight-seeing. It was a very good summer. I could see that it could work.
I would like to think that others might like to try something like this. My sisters are very different from me, and so are their husbands. In some ways we have a lot of shared history, in other ways we were almost strangers when we started this change. In some ways the unexpected has happened, I feel as though I really am part of a large, extended family. It is not the same as if we had grown up that way, but it still counts.