DH and I have been together 14 years. We are domestic partners, but my mom’s response would be the same as if we got married. My mom is shocked that I’d leave my house to dh versus my multimillionaire sisters. She told me she only saw value in him as almost an aide and that if I ever became bankrupt to the point of being homeless she’d bail me out with an apartment but that he couldn’t come.
Similarly, I doubt mil would cough up the equivalent of 400k if we got married, which is what they did for yb and dil 20 years ago, even though the ils were retired even then. As people get older they tend to care more about taxes taken out even though they won’t ever feel it. Plus people this age feel that once you’ve taken on a partnership role with the house and all that you’re IT. When I said I’d be willing the house to him years ago mil just went glossy eyed as if I were the fairy godmother. She thinks this too.
My dh is 61. He’s on a pip and tasked with duties techs half his age get two people to accomplish. I would give him a year, tops, after which he may have to DoorDash. Ageism is real.
AFAIK he should at this point have his Unpleasant Discussion With Mom to clarify whether he will get the same gift upon his first marriage that his brother did for his second one. I doubt it, but we might as well know for financial planning purposes. Perhaps holiday purposes. We know you can afford making the two brothers equal, mil.
DH was walking in right then so I had to hang up on mom. First time in 15 years. I cannot BELIEVE the selfishness of this 1935-50 generation just telling their progeny to freak off with financial situations people increasingly understand the younger they are. Have a talk with the struggling child about giving him an advance. Does it harm your quality of life, no, add a codicil to the will saying the struggling child gets less for getting an advance.
Unfortunately I vented all this to dh
Personally , as a parent , If I had enough money and I had given one child $400k to buy a house , and then my other child fell on hard times , losing a job , while waiting to get on Medicare , at a minimum I would help that child pay for insurance . It wouldn’t be forever , as he would get Medicare in 3 years . I get that it’s not always about being equal . It’s helping who ever needs help . Shelter and healthcare insurance are far different than an unnecessary lavish wedding or overly expensive school .
The MIL helped one son put a roof over his head . Why not help the other one when they need something necessary like health insurance ?
I get that people can spend money how they want . But I couldn’t help one kid and then not help the other if I was able.
I personally could not sit on 8 million dollars and not help my kid .
I recently read that the majority of people retire between 62 and 63 . They often retire early for their own healthcare issues , or caregiving for a spouse , other elders or grandchildren , or losing a job .
You are right ageism is real . Private insurance , or Cobra can be very expensive . And Cobra is only up to 18 months . The company my husband works for has decreased staff 3 times the past 5 months . We held our breath each announcement that there would be terminations . We are 61 this year . A significant number of those let go were late 50’s and early 60’s . Saves them the most money to let go of those long term employees making more money than newer hires . We have a neighbor who lost her job at a bank . She now works as a cashier at Cosco full time and says the benefits are good . She’s in her 70’s and her husband has a lot of medical problems.
I’m sorry your MIL doesn’t see that she was willing to give to one son to help but not her other. Perhaps if your DH talks to her about the struggles , she may be willing to give an advance like you suggest .
As far as your mother, she makes no sense at all about your house . And neither one should request you break up for any reason .
There were a lot of inequalities on my DH side of the family. My FIL’s second wife was a broke gold digger when they married when FIL was 60 and the wife was 52. She told me she handed FIL a wish list of jewelry , a fur coat , a new car , and travel destinations , which he checked off each box for . Her children were each given huge wedding checks , her grandchildren were given some money for college , my children were not . The wife was also giving her daughter money for years because she had a deadbeat husband . My husband found all this while he was POA for FIL when he had dementia . It was all in records that were kept . She wrote much larger birthday and graduation checks to her grandchildren compared to the checks my kids got ,
Their wills were done the way his wife dictated. We know this because she told us . If FIL died first his wife got all his money . If the wife died first FIL got all the money . Then when the last one died , ( which turned out to be FIL ) 20% of the money went to each of her 3 kids and 20% to my DH and 20 % to his brother . Essentially split 5 ways .
That means her side got 60% of the money and FIL left 40% to his own kids to split . My DH was annoyed that it wasn’t at least 50 % to her side and 50 % to my DHs side of the family since the overwhelming majority of the money was FIL’s. FIL always listened to his wife when it came to giving her kids and grandkids money , that includes what she thought was fair in their wills. DH is convinced that had my FIL died first , the wife would have changed her will and left all the money to her kids only . Both FIL and his wife used to say they fully expected for him to die first , but she did.
He may be the first to ask, but I doubt he will be the only one. Brother and his wife are heavy smokers and she is closer to his mom’s age than he or we are. If dil gets a diagnosis, I expect mil would be falling over herself to pay for dil’s aide, likely one of the relatives of her own aide. Yes, dh should have saved more for retirement. Dil should not be smoking into her mid 70s. Guess which one of these idiot decisions mil will subsidize first.
Mil invited dh to the reading of fil’s will so that he would know this. If we were to break up, mil probably would eject 123k aide and put him up in the bedroom where he grew up to be the aide for free. A number of his peers ended up living with their parents until the latter died or was institutionalized. Frankly, if the two of us hadn’t met he would undoubtedly have gone down that road as well, As we did meet, however, mil can continue indulging the aide and her informal kinship adoption child forever. I mentioned to my mom that I don’t want to be socializing with them as family and my mom pretty much told me she’d rather we break up. She was that insulted, and part of that is the fact I’m not evicting dh and intend to leave my assets to him vs my power sisters that I text with three times a year.
I get that many ppl don’t end up with generational wealth that there’s always been a conversation about in our families anyway. For brother, the down payment allowed them to buy a house. For dh, the cash equivalent could bridge us to Medicare age. I’m aware she doesn’t have to help but … dude you are sitting on 8 mil
Your Mom, why would you leave your house to your sisters even if they had no money? Why would you not leave it to your SO, married or not. Your MIL, from what I have read she uses her money to manipulate. Your DH seems to be laid back and does not expect so does not receive. He can have that talk just to see where he stands but in the end, you may be on your own. I would bet if you received money from MIL, she would want it back with interest. Good Luck.
No explanation as to why this was the way it was. Obv I was hurt and not knowing what this was about, I simply took my portion of the inheritance and gave it to my brother who had cared for mom in his home.
My son is an atty and he said this wasn't legal, by any means, and was referred to as a 'posthumous FU'. Nice, huh?
Inheriting something is a mystery and really, shouldn't be something that the whole family discusses. You aren't 'entitled' to anything. It is sad, however, when things like what happened to me, happens. You're baffled and hurt when you are also in a state of grief.
Too many people look at inheriting as a 'gimme'. It's not.
I’m one of 5 , and the only one that paid my own way through college and was the one raised to be a care slave from an early age.
Mom gave away her jewelry before dying . I was given a relatively inexpensive sterling silver necklace back that I had given to Mom only a few years prior . Everyone else was given the “ good vintage stuff “.
When Mom died , there was no house and not a whole lot of money left , but it was split 5 ways . All 4 siblings received the paperwork in the mail that needed to be signed in order for the estate to be settled and for the 5 checks to be sent to us. I was the only one that did not receive paperwork , got lost in the mail I guess . But I could not miss the irony in that !!
I also fantasized about not pursuing , nor signing the paperwork which would have at a minimum delayed the estate from being settled. I did ask for new paperwork and signed it .
I didn’t even want my share of the money .
I split it in half and gave it to my adult kids .
It wouldn’t be just nice let alone equal if mil actually did gift the same to dh as she had his brother. It’s actually easier for mil to give dh the same as what his brother got now that she’s inherited all of fil’s moms money too. She and my mom are worth eight figures with mil most of it, and their collective attitudes are that they will only help if we break up.