My father was diagnosed with kidney disease a few years ago, but he is currently rapidly declining in health. We were estranged mainly because he became a selfish jerk after my mom passed in 2006. Never called for holidays or birthdays and has never met his only grandchildren (aged 10 and 12 now). Nor does he inquire after them. I basically cut him out for that until he got sick. I visited and helped when I could but I live 2 hours away.
Suddenly he is in the hospital and then a rehabilitation hospital, but he has low motivation and doesn’t want to go home. He wants to go to a nursing home. I don’t know- to wait to die?
He had a dog that a neighbor is caring for and is his buddy. I think without him my dad has lost his will to live, but he also cannot live on his own if he doesn’t cooperate and do his physical therapy.
On top of that, I feel completely used and invisible. I want to help him and don’t expect anything in return, but he’s still acting like a selfish jerk. He called to ask me to bring his checkbook and bills tomorrow. Sure, I’ll drop my own job and kids you’ve never met and drive 4-5 hours round trip after already having done that on Saturday to take him clothes. Everything is about him and there’s not even a thought in his head about anyone else, but I know he’s sick and not feeling well.
phew. Any advice for a newbie caretaker?
What do you want to do? Do you feel obligated to help him?
Were you close to him in the past? What caused the estrangement?
Is he using you or used you in the past?
What does he need a checkbook for? Do you control his money?
How far away is he? Can you visit during Covid? Can you speak to a social worker to help mediate this matter?
Sorry for so many questions but it’s hard to help you with limited information. Do you wish to share more?
Best wishes to you and your family.
Do not go get his checkbook, etc. Maybe he has a local friend or someone he can hire to do such things for him.
Hard to know what his exact situation is. Is he depressed - since you saw a change in his behavior after his wife died? Does he have some kind of dementia? There are lots of reasons he may not keep in touch or think much of others. Seems like a lot of older folks are like this.
Good luck.
What if anything does your dad want from you? Is he asking for your help? Other than running errands for him?
If all he needs or wants from you is to be a "gofer" then give him 1 day a week. Any other day tell him "sorry dad, I have a family that I need to put first. I can run errands for you on XXXday" and don't waver from that.
You can suggest Hospice if that is what he would like. He would have a Social Worker and if he permits it you can have contact with the Hospice Team and they can keep you updated on him.
You do not "owe" him your time. You don't "owe" him anything.
Sorry if this sounds harsh but it does not seem like he wants a caregiver.
"Sorry Dad, but I was just there. You should have told me to get all you needed then. If you have your wallet, use your debit or credit card to pay your bills. Or call your neighbor" I would also remind him that you are 5 hrs away round trip. You work and have 2 kids. He is not your priority. He needs to get his ducks in a row concerning his future. He may want to talk to a social worker to find out what resources are out there he may be able to take advantage of. Sorry, but I can't be there 24/7. You made your own choices after Mom died and me and mine weren't part of those choices. So, I only have so many hours in a day. I hold down a fulltime job, come home to two children to feed, run to xtra curricular things, come home get them and me ready for bed, go to bed and start all over. When in all of that am I suppose to drive 5 hours round trip to bring you your check book and bills. Again, he is not your top priority. You need to set boundries and stick by them. He made a choices and sad to say, he now has to deal with these choices.
The two of you clearly don't speak the same language. You see a selfish jerk, and I see someone who is likely suffering from extended grief and is depressed. You aren't good for him to be around, so help make the nursing home happen.
I would add, if you can do that willingly.
Otherwise, just say "You were always a jerk, and I don't really like you; that hasn't changed with your illness. I won't be helping. Contact Social Services or a paid Fiduciary."
I am basically saying, if you cannot do this willingly or with any compassion, don't do it. Many people reach this condition WITHOUT CHILDREN. Let the hospital Social Worker know that your father does have kin but that they will not be involved in his care and she should consider state guardianship for him.
Or, as I said, help willingly, one day a week, with the loving grace you might provide a needy stranger.
Your life, your Dad, your choice.
You say you want to help him. That is very nice of you and I wouldn't discourage it as far as it goes, but think very carefully what you mean by that.
I wouldn't be surprised if your father, having established contact, is now airily supposing (and telling others) that - when something comes up like clothes or the checkbook - you're the one to call. That's the bit you need to put a polite but firm stop to.
As to what he does instead: well, what would he do if you didn't exist? He must do that. His logistical problems have not suddenly become your responsibility. Remind yourself of this, and inform others of it as necessary.