He has severe neuropathy, can’t feel from his knees down, and hands are numb. He gets up to use the bathroom or get something to eat. He ends up falling, he has gone through 3 of our walls that will need repairing. Broken cabinet doors in half. I do not know when I have gotten a full nights sleep last. I can’t sleep during the day. He gets up at 4-5 am and eats (spills) cereal, then sits in his recliner and will sleep for 6-8 hours straight! But can’t stay in his bed for 6-8 hours😩. He gets very belligerent and pushes me away when I’m trying to help him back to bed. He breaks this off walls, and says “it’s not my fault”. I’m at the end of my rope. I’ve looked at a few apartments for myself and possibly getting a divorce. I can’t take all the damage he is doing. I do everything, all housework, cooking, laundry. All yard work, with frequent criticism thrown in. A place where I can keep things clean and not get broken, and a place where I don’t have so much yard work to do. My boys help anytime I ask. But they have families too take care off, calling them to help pick him up off the floor at wee hours of the morning is out of the question. He 6.1, 235 lbs. I’m at 160 and unable to lift him up. Any ideas for me? He is 67.
2 options on the house/yard work -
1 - get a smaller, very durable place without yard work
2 - get more people involved in caring for home, yard and your hubby.
This country does not do elder care well. It's a sin.
*cereal pre-poured with lift off cover set up nightly so it is available
*cabinets that are frequently accessed can have door removed along with excess items
*get a second bedroom,
*bedside urinal or strapped to a walker bedside and yes you would have to dumb it for him, grab bars anywhere he tends to lose his balance, accept the fact that traditional ways may be out, if it is not meeting his needs
*get a Hoveround scooter for inside and outside so he can be of some help and safely move quickly from one area to another. Install small premade ramps as needed off amazon.
*or get a medical alert fall bracelet so he can tell the operator that comes on if he needs help to get up. (Use a keypad lock on the door, in case you're not aware they are coming). The alert co. will call whoever (911, neighbor, prepicked strong teen, son) you put on the list for assistance and there is nothing wrong with grown sons taking turns to help their parents it could be you next with an issue. Better to encourage sons to be supportive and involved with family than self-centered.
*time to child proof or make simple your home again, put breakables somewhere else or give to family who can display them
*drywall for holes in the wall is not a costly repair, you just need to find someone who does this type of work and keep their number around, ask your sons to find someone who can patch holes cheap.
*he doesn't need you to physically help him to bed, you can't hold him up he can use a walker if he wants to walk, offer encouragement if you want to help him, there is nothing wrong with him sleeping in a recliner rather than struggling to safely get back to bed let him know you understand
*life has changed, you have to accept the changes so that you can enjoy what you have to offer each other now and or find new ways less physical to enjoy life
*really check out the Hoveround let them get Medicare to approve it.
That’s unfair. She obviously loves him so much that it’s breaking her heart and body.
Have you told the doctor about this behavior ?
He needs to be active and awake during the day
Check his medicine to see if any have a side effect of making one drowsy. Have your husband take those pills at night if he doesn't already [first check with his doctor]. I am hoping this will help not only him but for your own sanity.
When he falls I call 911- they arrive asap and have told me not to lift, just call them. I’ve had many holes in walls from falls, dents in all door frames from walker , I am now taking care of everything and feel I’m at a breaking point in spite of extra help.
I now have a therapist to vent to who specializes in cognitive care w dementia. His neurologist also prescribed a low dose sleeping pill for night, and this had made a huge difference, he sleeps most of night only 1 bathroom visit… urinals on walker , and has stopped getting up to eat because I leave him fruit slices and PPJ sandwich.
All This has helped me , but I am definitely overwhelmed and experiencing caregiver burn out. I am looking into respite care for him with help of Hospice ( you don’t need to be dying to ask them for help, they are a fabulous resource for caregivers ) so that I may get away for a week.
Respite care is often covered by Medicare or your health insurance. Please look into caregiver support group- hospice can help finding one. We do not have help from family either.
Please contact your PCP for help getting him tested for cognitive decline. He should not be walking with such extensive neuropathy. Tell him how desperate your situation is.
I have also read on this forum that if he is refusing going into full time care , and he ends up in hospital , you can refuse to take him home because you are unable to care for him safely at home. Refuse . Do not take him home. Hospital has to find him a place to go. I hope I’ve given you some helpful suggestions and moral support.
Take care of yourself ,it’s hard to ask, but please ask for help on weekends from your family, this is your husband and THEIR father too. If their answer is no get him admitted to 24/7 care which will attend to his needs.
You need help!
I had to hire an overnight aid three nights a week so I could sleep at night. And three days a week my husband went to a nearby daycare facility for 3 to 4 hours.
He passed peacefully after a week in a hospice facility. I live in an area where elder care was available and excellent. Of course, I could afford help. Do you have longterm care insurance? Do you have good insurance otherwise? Do you have financial support systems in your community? Can you consult a social worker? Our society isn’t exactly enlightened regarding the needs of our aging population. No medicare for vision or dental.
Good luck to you. If you do not want to die, get help, however you can. Seriously.
Have you looked into this? Is it the cost? What's the barrier to this?
He probably wouldn't stay in a wheelchair, although it's what he needs.
Is he on any medication for his agitation? If not, why not? On meds he may be more compliant (in a facility).
Maybe consider hiring a geriatric care manager to help you make decisions and get things done. Cheaper and less effort than a divorce. Your portion of your assets can be protected, so also see a certified elder law attorney, estate planning attorney and/or a Medicaid Planner for your state.
If you do not get him in a 24/7 care facility, you need 24/7 care for him at home. This means someone (strong, able to manage him / his anger, frustration, resistance - in general - and when he starts to get out of bed)).
You will injure yourself if you do not make changes.
Both mentally, psychologically and physically.
This is not a workable situation. You must make changes ... now.
And, it is important for you to understand / explore your resistance to doing what you likely know you need to do (place him in a facility). Get into therapy to process through your feelings. You need professional support to manage all these needs and changes. It is not easy.
Gena / Touch Matters
Is he a veteran? If so, the VA may be able to help you.
Absolutely DO NOT lift him yourself. That could permanently injure you. Always call for a Lift Assist, even if it seems embarrassing to call them.
Do as Grandma suggests and call 911 every time he falls, asking for a lift assist. I'd have him transported to the ER for an evaluation myself.
See an elder care attorney about options for yourself now, too. Someone who's versed in Medicaid who can guide you accordingly.
Best of luck to you.
They are trained to help someone up off the floor without hurting themselves or the person they are helping.
99.99% of the time there is no charge for a Lift Assist if there is no transport to the hospital. (some areas may not have their own 911 and will charge if another town has to be called)
You do not give any info in your profile as to your husbands medical condition that has caused the neuropathy.
I hate to say it but it might be time for some decisions.
Either hire an overnight caregiver or seriously consider placing him in a facility that will meet his care needs. I know this is a big decision but it does not sound like it is safe for you or for him to remain at home.
Big men don't know or understand there strength at all. My husband is 6"5 , 250 ish. I weigh 130. He has actually accidentally knocked me down, not understanding his strength compared to mine. So I've been trying to explain this to him in are aging years. But your husband's way past that.