For a year now I've been the primary caregiver for someone in my neighborhood who has advanced COPD, a catheter, and other health conditions. By default, the other neighbors bailed out since they felt he was too much of a pain and high maintenance. He is single and the few relatives live an hour away and also feel he is too much of a pain. I started by taking him to medical appointments when he had more mobility but for the last year it has been hell. I am in my early 70s myself and I have to go over each morning, give him a basic cold breakfast, get summoned back a couple more times, then get him take out dinner and serve it to him. Then he often wants me to stop back again and keep him company. I am not saying I comply with every request. Tonight was the worst, I came back with dinner and the stench was awful. He could not make it to the close bathroom and had to go in the commode. I just about got sick. I applied for and got him coverage under his long term policy but half the time they call in sick and don't do much. I told him tonight he would have to consider assisted living or hospice care in home, as his doctors have suggested but he won't hear of it. He always tells me that if the situation was reversed he wouldn't let me go into a home. If so, well, he's better than me. We are just neighbors! Taking him to a doctor tomorrow that is an elder-care office. They also have social workers. I want to get hold of one of the social workers and tell them and the dr that this has to end. I am not a saint and don't want to be one. I am really resentful that I have been placed in this position. I have read that hospice can be covered by Medicare. I wonder how that dovetails when the person also has long term care coverage. Either has to have a live-in paid caregiver, hospice, or assisted living. I and his sister have power of attorney but if a person is of sound mind you can't force them out of their house. I think I just have to pull back and not make it so easy for him. I think some of his mobility issues are self-imposed, he could move more but just sits on the couch all day and sleeps there. Sorry this is so long. Kind of funny story is that his priest came today and had not seen him in a while, he was horrified and wondered if we should call 911, I said Father, he is like this every day.
He thinks because you are POA your at his beck and call, thats not how it works. And because he is of sound mind, you can really do nothing anyway. If he is sent home, then its time for APS to get involved. Because he is being stubborn and demanding, he will end up in care. It will be his fault and nonone elses. And I really doubt he would have done for you what you have done for him.
My Mantra...I am here to help others find a way, not be the way.
You must figure out a way to end this where you can live with the decision that you did the right thing. Do not worry how he will feel. You already know he will never accept it. Either find concrete steps to permanently reduce your daily interaction with him or find a full way out. if he whines about being alone or lonely, you have to be firm while appearing to care. Tell him you are in a lot of pain too and cant do as much. Its time for him to go to a home and you get back your life
Everybody else bailed out on him, its probably time you did to. You have been so kind to him and he is not even family. I'm sorry you are the one who has to go through this. It should be his family dealing with this, close or distant.
"What people don't seem to acknowledge is that if I withdraw, there is nothing".
Famattjr, this is what you wrote. What you feel. Please re-read it several times. Then ask yourself *Is it true?*
What if you didn't show.. ?
My guess is your neighbour would;
- phone other neighbours/people he knows well
- phone his care agency manager
- wander out to the street looking for people
- sit in his home awaiting the next paid aide to arrive
- call 911 himself
So it is NOT true that if you withdraw there is nothing.
That is FALSE.
An all-or-nothing statement.
Is that falsehood holding you prisioner?
I will rephrase: "If I withdraw, OTHER solutions WILL be found".
(Even if that is you standing at the front gate refusing to come in & calling EMS instead. I know this because I have DONE just that very thing).
What happens when it gets to the point where he needs 24/7 caregiving? Are you going to move into his house, or let him move into yours? He is going to get worse and that is coming.
Time to let his family and other POA know you are done, give them a weeks notice and then stop. I would also let his doctor and SW at the doctor's office know, that you are no longer able to care/assist the neighbor. He is not your responsibility. He should not expect a neighbor to be catering to his wishes, and demands, especially if you are not being paid for all you do for him.
They very much want to take care of others, it gives them purpose and joy, and to a degree that is OK. It is good there are people like that.
But you have gone well beyond that degree. You say you have been placed in this situation, but in fact have put yourself in this situation, and like others have said, you have NO obligation in this case and need to get out.
Many of us have parents or other relatives where we feel a certainly obligation and even then that has its limits but there may be more connections there.
Contact your co poa, his sister, in writing, and tell her you are resigning not just poa but any responsibility for this man who won’t accept help. It’s not fair for you to “look in” (sounds so tame) and there’s a literal s show to be cleaned up presumably by you.
Who told you that YOU are not entitled to a life?
Who told you that what this man wants isn't as important as what YOU want?
Who told you that YOU have to be at someone else's beck and call?
??
If the answer is YOU, (and you know it is!), then tell YOURSELF to make a plan TODAY to be out of this situation in 14 days.
If APS doesn't respond, YOU call 911. Tell them that this person is a danger to himself by not letting anyone but his slave in the door. They will arrange for SOMEONE to help, even if it's for a ride to an ER. Tell them that you are about to leave town.
Then, YOU take a vacation, leave town, and block his number.
The Leave Town Test.
Hey Neighbour, I'm heading to <insert> (a beach shack/mountain cabin/big city )next weekend. You'll have to arrange some OTHER help.
If a 'caregiver' or this case, a 'Neighbour who kindly looks in' cannot leave town for a weekend - the balance & has gone very wrong. A Master-Slave pattern is forming.
Adult Protective Services is for any adult living in a potentially dangerous situation. Without you propping your neighbor up, he is living in a dangerous situation.
Getting out of these situations is gut wrenching. We are called to make choices that go against our own makeup and we are often guilted by those we are helping.
I would not listen to the nonsense of he would never do it to you, we don't know what we would really do until we are faced with being in the shoes of having to do or not do something.
He is using words to manipulate you, tells me he knows he is crossing lines and trying to guilt you into being his slave. So far it has worked for him but, you have the power to change this.
I would encourage you to look up F.O.G., it is fear, obligation and guilt and is used by people to get others to dance to their warped tune.
Call APS and speak with someone that can do an investigation to get your friend the professional help he needs.
You matter too!!!
1) Never allow yourself to be guilt-tripped with the 'If the situation was reversed, I'd do it for you' crap. No he wouldn't and that's mighty easy to say when there's no possibility of it ever coming to be.
2) He won't even discuss the idea of going into residential care (a "home") or have live-in caregivers. That's because you've made yourself his care slave so he doesn't have to. If you emancipate yourself and refuse to do for him, he will have no choice. His POA sister will have him placed. Either he will go willingly or unwillingly, but he'll go one way or the other.
I was an in-home caregiver for 25 years and now am in the business of it. Early on in this work I got taken advantage of plenty of times when needy clients and even their families got pushy or clingy. Let me tell you something, when you have no boundaries these people they will take blatant advantage of you.
You may have to be a bit harsh and cold towards a person and their family to get them to respect your boundaries and terms about caregiving. Do it.
Start today. It's obvious you aren't going to abandon him outright. So now there's a schedule. You make one visit a day for a set amount of time. No more. You do not take his calls after your hours (let it go to voicemail). If there's an actual emergency, call the paramedics and meet them at his house. Call the POA sister nd tell her that this is what you're doing today and she should probably come to town and stay for a bit until it gets worked out.
I learned something very valuable from experience in this line of work.
Caregiving has to be done on the caregiver's terms. Not the care recipient's.
Remember these words because they will serve you well.
Good luck.
Continue to be the kind and caring neighbor—but with boundaries that are suggested and on your terms. He is lucky to have you. But he is not entitled to you. Save yourself so you can continue to be of comfort to him but do not carry all the burden. It had been my experience, caring for someone I love and do owe a duty to, that no matter how much I gave, it was not enough. That has changed, thankfully. But even in my situation with a beloved, I do not owe my whole life. Nor do you.
He doesn't want to go to assisted living and expects you to take care of him practically 24/7 this is ridiculous. This man is ridiculous.
You are in your mid seventies act like the grown adult you are and just stop propping this man up to live on is own. Tell him you are done with being his care giver and helping him. Tell that to the doctor today since you have an appointment and be done with it. If he calls for help tell him you will call 911 for him and do it.
So that means - no more going over to feed him, no more cleaning up his shit and piss, no more taking him to doctor appointments, no more being his social director. No more. You got sucked into this mans life and now it's time to just stop. You've been living in hell for over a year - it's past time for you to do what is right for you and right for him because he has no business living alone if he can't manage doing anything for himself.
I agree with most of what you're saying. There could be legal complications though because the OP is this guy's established caregiver and has his POA. In some states the caregiver can't just walk away and leave a person starving and sitting in their own mess.
She can tell the doctor he's going to that she's out and the guy needs to be transported to a facility from the doctor's office.
She can drop him off at a hospital ER and tell them that she will not be providing is care anymore and that he has no one else. This is how she can keep herself covered and out of trouble.
Perhaps that priest could talk sense into him.
If the priest wanted to call 911, Obviously he is in poor shape and needs more care than you can provide .
Let the priest call 911. Then when he’s at the hospital you tell them you can not provide the care he needs any longer. Let them get him placed in a facility . Tell them it is an “ unsafe discharge “. Do not pick him up and bring him home no matter what the hospital or your friend says .
I read your replies . You said you want to wind this up responsibly . Calling 911 so he can get the care he needs is responsible . If he refuses to get in the ambulance , that’s on him .
If this man is competent ( no dementia ) ,
you are not stuck . You can tell him you can not do this anymore and walk away and give up POA if he is not cooperative . Let his family deal with this or APS,
The local County Area of Aging could also be called to the home to assess and get this man the care he needs. Tell them he has long term care insurance and he is refusing to go to assisted living as suggested by his doctor and that his needs are growing and you can not provide what he needs.
Famattajr, really look at your motives regarding that day.
There was a golden opportunity to seek help from others yet you declined it. Why?
Fear? Misplaced guilt or shame? Your neighbour said no?
Your neighbour trusts you.. ok.
Who do YOU trust to help? If not a Priest or Paramedics.. Who??
You have a kind heart & willing hands.
His growing needs + your growing help = this..
You SEE the problem. You could call it *Mission Creep*.
He trusts you, which is nice.. but he may continue to lean too hard on you unless you say no.
So tell your neighbour no.
Explain this must change.
RE-SET your help level.
Advise him of who else to call for help. (It may even be 911 if very unwell).
If he cannot/will not take action, call APS yourself. Ask for a Social Worker to help. Be CLEAR what you will & won't do, going forward.
Edit. Too late here, too tired sorry if I am not making sense.
Have hope. This CAN change!
YOU have placed YOURSELF in this position.
No neighbor on earth is beholden to care for another neighbor.
And I doubt that there are many who would make the mistake of doing so.
Call APS and report this person as a senior in need you have been caring for, and then step away from this position.
I have been on AC for just about five years. Quite honestly, in all the outlandish stories I have heard from neighbors minding the business of other neighbors--and there have been MANY--I never heard one quite this odd.
Nothing much to add, but good on you.
They lead lives of misery and poverty. We kill them usually in some very inventive ways (the rack, setting them on fire, filling them full of arrows, and tearing off their fingers for reliquary jars before they are dead come to mind. Catherine of Siena is said to have borne the latter).
Then, after they are dead we insist on praying to them forever to fix every little want and need WE have.
Bad job description indeed.
They, like our OP, were caught up in some very poor decision making imho.
Anyway, just wanted to acknowledge your kindness and neighborliness and wish you all the best as you extricate yourself from this situation.
You go with him to the Dr. and ask to talk to the Dr before the appt privately. Tell him you can no longer be his caregiver. He is a neighbor not a relative. Your POA does not mean u care for him. If he is competent ur POA may not be in effect. Get it revoked.
If the Dr does not help you call Adult protection services. Tell them this mans care has gone beyond your ability and what ur willing to do. Tell APS you are not helping him anymore.
Bless you for helping him to this point.
Resign immediately and don't look back. Your own health and wellbeing takes precedence over his.
WHY have you done this to yourself? This man has a family!!
You haven't been placed in this position! You willingly became one of his POAs!!!
What were you thinking? You chose to be responsible for him!!!
I VERY strongly suggest you resign that POA. I dont know if you were manipulated into this or what, but you need to exit this situation asap.
Tell his sister , the other POA , that you can not take care of him any longer.
A wise social worker once told me
“ stop helping, let them fail , to make them realize they have to accept an alternative solution. “
You need to call his family and tell them you are calling adult protective services and they need to handle their father.
They probably think you love doing this since you haven’t seemed to tell anyone anything different.