I am a grown woman who has had to live with mom to help her for approximately 15 years which has been hard then she got dementia the last two or so years, I tried my very best to keep her home as long as I possibly could. She fell many times, broke one hip then the next year broke the other hip ....Mom is 95 and a high fall risk. She would not use her walker, and rarely used her cane. She was very unsteady on her feet and it was just a matter of time before she fell again and would end up her last days in the hospital. I felt in my heart I needed to place her.
I did my homework and looked at many of the bigger places with the long hallways and almost placed her in one ..... then discovered a group home with only six residents that were able to be watched and cared for closer in a home setting so that’s what I chose. I had to trick Mom into going there for a free lunch with her little dog whom she could have stay with her there. After lunch I broke the news to her that I have arranged for her and her doggy to stay there she took it really hard which is understandable, I would’ve felt the same way but it really had to be done. She cried and cried and got extremely angry saying I was evil, that I should be ashamed of myself she hated me. I get it and I don’t blame her I wouldn’t like it if someone did that to me either but under the circumstances with her dementia and being a High fall risk I had no choice I followed what was in my heart. “How could you do this to me??" is what she kept asking.
I told her I did not do this to you I did it FOR you because I love you. Well that went over like a lead balloon. I did fix up her shared room, which was large with a pull curtain in between, that had a large bathroom attached for her convenience and safety. I could’ve gotten a very tiny private room, yes for $500 more, but to use the bathroom she would have to come out of her room and go down the hall. I was scared she would fall in the night doing so, so I chose the shared room instead. I’m sure either room I would’ve chose she would’ve felt the same way about the situation. They told me it would be best if I stayed away for a week and let her acclimate and get to know everyone, the caregivers etc. It has a large fenced in backyard and the dog is allowed to roam free. Last night was my first night in the house without mom, I did not have guilt feelings because I know she needs closer watch then I can give even though I am retired. But I had feelings of compassion thinking how she must be feeling missing her home missing the comfort of her bed it just broke my heart.
I go back to see her in a week .... and I have such a sense of dread, for when I went to hug her goodbye she pulled back from me and turned her head away and refused anything to do with me. That is hard to walk into. I’m sure she will feel about the same when I go back to see her. I ordered her a 3 inch thick foam piece to put on top of her bed that was a long twin but it did crank up but was not the most comfortable bed I’ve ever sat on by far. So I immediately ordered a 3 inch foam piece to put on top for her it should arrive there in a day or two. I have so many mixed emotions I know I did the right thing yet I’m hurting in my heart for her 💔
I hope everything works at the long term care home. She will grow accustomed to it, so, I would try not to let her distract you. Her judgment is poor and that is why she doesn't understand why it's needed. After some time in the MC, my LO thought that it had always been her apt and was fine with it.
This is so normal, after all, we have feelings too.
My Dad was angry, threatening to get a lawyer, to walk out, to call a taxi.
I just kept telling him that I loved him, I was his daughter and I was on his side.
He did not agree that he had dementia, but he was OK with his heart problems. So we emphasized he needed to be where professionals could monitor his responses to medications.
He has morphed that into a story about how he has special problems and he is under special care until Christmas.
One day at a time.
It took Dad, aged 90, several months to begin to let us bring him personal items from his apartment.
That being said, although it's easier to visit her when she's not complaining about her life, her living arrangements and the food, it still hurts my heart to see her there. I wish there was some way she could come home, but it's not feasible and the nursing home is really the best and safest place for her.
Take comfort in the fact that your mom can have her dog with her. I'm sure that will be a big help to her. You've done the right thing, no matter how difficult it is.
Good luck.
I am so sorry. I know how you’re feeling as I had to move my mom from assisted living to memory care this week. I did what you did regarding a smaller home. My mom’s “home” has 40 residents and has been in operation for 30 years. They have the kinks worked out and that was my top priority for her; she can’t go through another move. This latest change has sent my mom into a fast decline. I’m hoping she will pull out of it. It’s only been a few days.
I have never been so sad in my entire life. Seeing my mom decline is like watching her slowly disappear a bit more each day. I have finally accepted I need to get counseling as it is clear I’m becoming increasingly depressed. Alzheimer’s was my mom’s worst fear and now she has it. She is almost 93 and so precious. I visit every day but vascilate between looking forward to seeing her and dreading seeing her (because of the decline.) My best friend’s mom is in the same facility but my mom doesn’t want to socialize with anyone because she doesn’t want to “do anything wrong.” Heartbreaking.
I know you and I have done the right thing for our mom’s but that doesn’t make it any easier. Now I know why people write songs about how much love hurts. The pain of watching someone you love fall down the stairs of dementia is heartbreaking amd there is nothing we can do to change the course.
We need to find a way to be grateful for the time we have with them. God doesn’t make mistakes so I am guessing this is a life lesson for us, the caregivers. God Bless and may you find peace and strength for your journey.
I had no idea what was in store. I had heard stories about people that got mean, violent and at his size, weight and strength I would not have been safe if he changed from the kind sweet person I had known and loved for over 30 years. If he had begun wandering and I could not have kept him safe, if he had been a fall risk, he would not have been safe at home. Luckily he was able to stay at home.
But it sounds like your Mom will be safer in this group home. Have you discussed with them how they will handle the fall risk problems? Her not wanting to use a walker will not change, the cane will be of little use as the dementia progresses.
Side note about the foam topper on the mattress. Depending on the type and how it stays on the bed it can be a problem and they are hard to clean when urine or fecal matter gets on them. If possible see if you can get an airflow mattress. It is possible that Medicare will cover it. If your Mom is Hospice eligible Hospice may provide it as well. (Hospice provided this type of bed for my Husband)
Still, if you are nevertheless plagued by unending guilt perhaps you can get in-home care for you mother.
I have clients whose parents are in wheel chairs and bedbound, but with the proper medical mandate, and supervision, they can get 24/7 care from medicare.
The CNAs will devise ways to bath and toilet her and she can be moved in her wheelchair.
As for your feelings, certainly seek counseling if you need it. However, you should try not to feel guilty. You did as much as you could for her and now have put her in a safe place where others can do the heavy duty care-taking! Take some time for yourself and try to let the guilt slide off!
I had to trick my step-father into thinking he would be staying at a special hotel that specializes with care for discharged patients like Mom.
I couldn't even let my Mom see me when I signed the hospital discharge papers nor when we went to the group home to make sure everything was ready.
They have the only suite in this group home AND their dog too was moved in with them.
I CRIED ALL THE WAY FROM AZ BACK TO TX. I CRY EVERY MONTH WHEN I GO HOME TO CHECK ON BOTH OF THEM EVERY MONTH (I'm not required for my step-father, but I do).
I made a photo album for Mom and have a page printed with all the names and her relationship to those in the pictures. I add new ones on each trip....BUT I CRY EVERY TIME I LEAVE.
They have been there since May and they have finally accepted that they can't go home. MY STEP-FATHER TRUSTS ME MORE THAN HIS OWN KIDS
Although it is and will always be as Mom's doctor told me when I finally had to step into this role, we have to do our best for our parents, but the pain will always be there because we blame ourselves.
Seek the help of a therapist, I have for more than 10 yrs in relation to the situation. I owe my therapist many boxes of tissues!