I'm so confused right now and I don't have anyone to talk to about this so here I am again.
Please see my previous posts.
The last contact I had with my mother (before the following situation), was her phone call to me, accusing me of trying to cheat my sibling out of her house (that she and I had been discussing my buying).
After that, I didn't have any contact with her for a month. I didn't call her and she didn't call me.
Then, I get an email from my sibling, telling me that mother is going into assisted living and tells him that I will be moving into her house when she does, to prevent anyone breaking in.
This is a house she's lived in for 50 years, with close neighbors who are all decent people, except for one who has apparently gone off the rails and was in trouble for drug charges.
Anyway, my mother got it into her head that this neighbor will break into her house if she's not there.
So she tells my sibling I'll be moving into her house to guard/protect it........?
My sibling emails me again and apparently is stressed out because mother is getting rather upset about the situation and is driving him bonkers.
I called her to find out WTH is going on and why she is telling him I will be moving into her house when no such discussion was done.
I DID tell her I'd move into her house but that was when I offered to buy it.
Anyway, she basically says she "doesn't remember" or didn't say anything about my cheating my brother, etc.....
I didn't know what to say or do; she just takes it for granted I'm going to move into her house to "protect" it....so I deduced the only way I would do that is if I take ownership of it because why else would I do it?
So she says she will either give me the house or sell it to me, whichever I prefer.
I have no idea what to do about all this.
I don't want to go down there and move into her house; it's 10 hrs. from me and my husband.
At one point I did offer to buy her home but that was before she accused me of being a thief and trying to cheat my sibling.
I just don't want to do it.
She offered to give me the house but I really don't want anything to do with any of it but somehow I feel obligated.
She is going to be 98 next month!
None of this makes any sense to me and I'm wondering now if maybe she does have some dementia, but I can't find out if she has been diagnosed because I'm not on her medical records or anything and she was apparently seemed competent enough to sign her own DNR order a few months ago. Whoever heard of someone waiting til they're in their nineties to take care of business?
I also told her she needs to put me on her bank account (I meant as a beneficiary), and she wanted to know why that was necessary. She is absolutely clueless about everything. The only people she pays attention to is her doctors. I have no idea what she has already signed, who knows.
Typing this up I feel like my best course of action is to wash my hands of the entire matter.
I have no way to find anything out because I'm not on her medical records, I can't call anyone to find out anything. When I call her, she literally can't hear me, she's hard of hearing. I called her yesterday at the assisted living center and she couldn't hear a word I said, even though I was yelling.
ETA: I did call her doctor's office a while back but of course, they wouldn't return my call as I'm not on her medical and so they aren't going to tell me anything.
At age 98, she should be in AL, house sold, proceeds used to fund AL and everyone move on. Yes visit her while in AL, make sure she is comfortable and properly cared for but go on with your life.
Unfortunately many make no plans for their elderly years, very common.
She is in a good AL facility, told me she loves it, so there is no reason I should feel obligated to move to where she is.
I emailed my sibling and told him I am not moving down there.
Thanks for listening.
I now have hearing loss and make every effort I know of to "hear" what is being said. It is a huge factor. You might consider the hearing issue while navigating through issues with your mother and brother.
At 98 there is probably some cognitive decline but would not hurt to get her tested.
"This forum is great! After reading my own post, I realized how absurd the entire matter is.
She is in a good AL facility, told me she loves it, so there is no reason I should feel obligated to move to where she is.
I emailed my sibling and told him I am not moving down there."
I think this is a very wise decision. First things first: without excellent attorney advice you could not buy her home. You would have to pay fair market value and the money would go into her accounts, thusly precluding her getting any Medicaid help if indeed she is getting that; it could throw her status into chaos. Neither you nor your brother would be able to manage any of that because you are not her POAs.
You observe that she is currently in good care. That's great. Send her a weekly pretty card and note and they will read it to her at the facility; when I used to write my brother's ex I always put on outside of envelope "Please read to D. " and they always did that.
Should your mother pass at this ripe old age of 98 and she has made no plans she will die "intestate" and the money will be in her estate, accounts and home. Either you or your brother at that time will be appointed as "administrator" by the local county court and will gather estate together, sell home, divide the assets as per state law.
This will be a lot of work and cooperation for the two of you. Try not to take it all on now until you have to. You can also ask for a court appointed administrator to do all the work for a fee, and if neither of you live there, that's what I would do. They will empty home and sell it, and etc.
I wish you the best of luck.
I wanted to avoid probate but it seems inescapable because she just doesn't care.
Mom can probably hear you......she likely cannot comprehend the WORDS you are saying. I realized that with my own mother after yelling loudly at her in person and still she "couldn't hear me". She had a puzzled look on her face. It dawned on me the dementia was causing her to not understand my words! It sure sounds like your mom IS suffering from dementia based on the things she's saying and doing. Being hard of hearing contributes mightily to dementia as well.
Best of well.
I live with this every day with my husband. What your mother has is fairly unmistakable to me. (I am not a doctor but have provided home caregiving for four family members who had dementia.)
You have to proceed on the basis of what you observe rather than input from medical people, which you've indicated that you're not likely to get.
You'd be wise to stay out of all of this. You'll never convince her of anything about anything now, so no point in getting all upset and trying to fix things. There's no fixing. Unfortunately, too many elders wait too late to take care of their final exit plans. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. I hope you can gently extricate yourself and send her a card now and then, as others suggested. No further involvement is necessary.
I can't do it; I'm not POA. They won't do it just because I tell them to.
Don’t get tied up with your mom’s issues.
Only do what you want to do. I thought that you were stepping away from your mom for a while.
I don't want her to even call me; I guess I'll have to block the number.