Sister wants Dad’s house.

Last year I saw the decline my father was in and how difficult he had become for my sister and her husband to manage. I had been estranged from all of them for 20 years because my father was a mean alcoholic and my sister enabled him. They both like to blame other people when their choices in life cause them problems.

In that 20 years my sister spent a lot of her own money on gifts and food for our father. Dad was not rich, but neither was he destitute. His attitude was his children owed him. So he put my sisters name and his on his house deed in return for her taking care of him. She looked forward to having his house as retirement income for herself someday.

Sister started asking me for advice last year. Dad kept loaded handguns in his house, he had a hearing and vision loss, and is walker dependent. Yet, Sister still let him drive his car. Neither she or her hubby would confront Dad about the loaded guns. He kept one in his walker saddlebag, one under his bed pillow, and one in his lift chair pocket. The neighborhood was pretty quiet and safe. After one scare with “trespassers” who knocked on his front door, I suggested Dad go into Assisted Living, and I would pay for it, since Dad does not have that kind of money. Dad agreed, and we breathed a sigh of relief.

I picked a Continuing Care Community with a great reputation. The plan Sister and I agreed on was Dad would get into this community on my dime, then if he needed to transition to Skilled Care, his house would get sold, his assets would be spent down, and Medicaid would pay for him to stay in a really good place.

My husband and I took Sister and her hubby to a Medicaid lawyer so we all understood the rules in our state. Sister was shocked to learn that, even though the house was in her and Dad’s names, Medicaid would consider it Dad’s asset, since Sister never contributed money to buying the house.

Without telling me, she changed her mind about our original plan to sell the house. She and her husband came up with crazy theories about someone Dad knew who might kidnap him and get him to change his will. They did not want the Medicaid lawyer to have a copy of his will. So I started thinking there was something not quite right. Mostly with what seemed to be irrational and far-fetched fears about kidnapping.

Anyway, I was going through an old folder of family documents and found the will. Dad’s lawyer had sent it to me a while ago, when he changed it. He had stipulated that my daughter would get $15,000. Unfortunately, my father set both his assets up (house and checking/savings) with my Sister as co-owner. So she inherits and the will is insignificant, especially since nothing has to go through probate.

The subterfuge over the will is just one small thing. Sister and her husband recently spirited Dad out of Assisted Living and lied to the staff about where they were going. They took his clothes, medicine, shower chair, and a nightstand and lamp for a “visit” to their house. Not only did they inform staff, but they waited until it was a done deal to tell me.

I think they thought I would argue over this decision, but in truth, I just don’t care what they do. They have POA, and I am only an alternate. Dad is 92 and has vascular dementia. He recently fell, hit his head, and ended up in the hospital for 3 days because he tested positive for Covid. He got out of the hospital and rehab, and Sister blamed the CCC kitchen for his swollen ankle from a gout attack. Three days later, she removed him from the facility to her house.

Sorry this is so long, thank you for letting me vent. Its a really bad feeling to realize you did something helpful for someone and they rewarded you with lying, manipulating, and blaming.

My expectation is that Sister is trying out having Dad live in her home. Meanwhile, I pay $185 per day for his place and services in the Continuing Care Community. I told her husband today that I’m not going to use the CCC as an expensive storage facility.