My mother is 68 and has BPD, is an alcoholic and a gambler. I have PTSD and she triggers it whenever she is around. She allowed me to be abused and has no remorse. I am mentally and physically sick every day. Her sisters texted me to say she can’t pay her taxes or bills and I need to give her money. I can’t even support myself and they want my husband’s money. She has no savings or assets and spends every dime she gets from Social Security on alcohol, gambling, shopping addiction. I told them we need to make her a budget and plan for long term. Then they started insulting me and telling me to have some compassion.
She is 68 and unhealthy but can still function. I gave her resources to get some government grants for food, energy costs, phone etc. She didn’t apply for any of it and texted complaining of how it’s not her fault she doesn’t qualify for help and all of this is SO tiring. She’s also manipulated me emotionally into staying in contact while she criticizes and triggers me. I don’t love her and only feel an obligation to a parent who will be in serious trouble w/ out my help. I don’t even want her in my life. But, I tried to get her to make a budget and explained that she needs to plan long term for when she can’t live in the house anymore. She ignored all my guidance and told me she’ll deal w/ it when it happens. I am overwhelmed w/ anxiety thinking about how to cope with her actions and how this will continue to impact me in the future
I cut her off for a year once, felt guilty and talked to her again. Then the same BS happened over and again. My husband sees my dysregulation and stress when she contacts me or is around. He says I need to learn to deal with the trauma response and continue to try and help her. I know bc of her BPD she cannot hear my side of things and doesn’t much care. Telling her that I’m worried what will happen to her and want to help plan has been ignored completely. Telling her I can’t handle dealing with her is unbelievable to her. She’s made no mistakes.
I told my husband that it’s hurtful that he won’t support my decision and keeps telling me to stay in contact. He got angry and yelled he’s never giving me advice again. He’s my most important human, my support system and now she’s coming b/w us as well. What are my options when I know in my soul I need to cut ties? How would I handle that regret?
There is absolutely no reason on earth why you should give your mom money.
You know that she will spend it on gambling. She is an addict! You will only be an enabler if you give her money.
Her sisters can give her money if they choose to. They have no right to tell you to give her money.
I realize that you love your husband but he shouldn’t be telling you to try and ‘help’ her. He should back you up in your decisions.
If he says that he isn’t going to offer any more advice, then great, because his advice isn’t worth considering.
You cut mom off before and you can do it again.
You say that mom has bipolar disorder. Does she take medication regularly for it? If not, that along with an addiction issue is a losing battle.
If you choose to, offer to go to gambler’s anonymous with her. If she refuses, you should walk. Look for an ‘open’ meeting. Not all meetings will allow family members to attend. You can look up locations online.
Please invite your husband and your aunts if you want to so they can see how addictions wreck havoc on the addict and their family. There will be a lead person who will monitor the group. Everyone must be respectful of each other.
I speak from experience. My brother was an addict. Yes, initially I tried helping him. His problems were larger than he was. I had to accept that I wasn’t able to help him.
I went to Al-Anon and Narcotics-Anon to get support from others. I decided to cut my brother out of my life.
The addict has to decide to get help. We can’t force them. Keep in mind that relapses are normal behavior because overcoming an addiction and making it to a recovery stage is incredibly difficult. It usually takes more than one attempt for people to succeed.
My brother refused to go to rehab and his lifestyle caught up with him. Sadly, he died several years ago. I did go see him in a hospice facility before he died.
Wishing you peace during this tumultuous period in your life. Keep us posted on how you are doing. We care.
An abused child should NEVER have to be responsible for the care of their aging parent(s). And in your case she really doesn't need your help as she's more than capable to care for herself. The fact that she has a mental, gambling, and an alcohol problem is NOT your problem. She brought all that on herself and now she has to live with the consequences of her poor choices.
You should not be helping to support her unhealthy habits in any way shape or form. And your husband should be supporting you and not your mentally sick mother. Perhaps once you cut ties completely with your mother you both should attend some therapy sessions so he can better understand where you're coming from. And if your husband won't go, please go for yourself.
You DO NOT need her nonsense and drama in your life. She has made her bed and now she gets to lie in it.
You are to the point in your life that you MUST do what is best for you, your marriage, and your life. And I believe you already know what must be done, hard as it may seem at first. But once you have peace and joy back in your life, you will know that you made the right decision.
And if you need to block your mothers phone number along with other family members to get back your peace well...so be it.
Your mother will NEVER get the help she needs if people(you)keep bailing her out.
So let me say this clearly so you understand what I'm saying. YOUR MOTHER IS NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY. PERIOD.
And just so you understand where I'm coming from, I was sexually abused by my father for over 11 years and my mother knew about it and chose not to protect me, and so as a 30 something year old adult I chose to remove them both from my life. It was the best decision I ever made for my own mental health's sake.
Now don't get me wrong, I eventually did forgive them both, but again knew that for my own mental health's sake I could not be around their dysfunction any more. I did not see or talk to my parents for well over 20 years, and when I got the call that my mother was dyeing I did go back home to see her, but by that point felt nothing. It was as if I was at the bedside of a stranger.
And when I got word that my father was dying I opted not to go back home. To this day I haven't shed a tear for either, and I have no regrets.
I had always said that if I ever were to cry that it would be for the parents I never had.
I'm sorry that you too didn't have the mother you deserved, but just make sure that you're now being the best mother to your own children and that you're doing what is best for you and your mental health.
God bless you my dear.
You have no obligation to support your mother.
She is in AL, my brother is the victim now, I did it for over 60 years, now it is his time. I support him behind the scenes. I found the AL place, set it up and so on. I council him, works for me, she is cared for, I am free of her abuse.
I would cut the ties, it is your life, your mental well-being not your husbands call.
Take care of you!
You need to take back your life while you still have one to take back.
Husband? When he GIVES advice, it's a gift. Give = Gift.
Thank him for it, consider it, but ultimately you must decide what to do for yourself. Communicate that to him.
It appears your 'well-meaning' family have some strange idea that that their 'advice' are ORDERS you must OBEY.
What BULL excrement.
Who do they think they are?
Sound like bossy 4yr olds "you do it MY way.. or ELSE!"
Let the "or else* play out.