Hi everyone
I would really appreciate your help and advice. I am not officially caring for my mother and she can look after herself. My dad died ten years ago when I was 39 and for the last ten years I've been caught up in my mother's life in some way or other. At first you want to be there for her, etc, and then there's the first wedding anniversary, the first anniversary of dad's death, his birthday, etc........Then there was the fact that she had to move from the family home (long story, but I sorted it all out), then there was helping with all financial matters, because while she can handle her finances, the complicated stuff I dealt with to ensure she had the best outcome with everything. She was grateful and I was glad she let me deal with it......but now, I need my life back.
Here's the current situation. It's nearly 5.30pm on a Sunday, I've just got back to my house after being with mum all day because our dog (who lives with her) has had surgery this last week and I wanted to be there to make sure he has everything he needs. What that means is a walk before 2pm, he won't go to the toilet in the back garden, and some fun outdoors in the sun. Left to mum he'd have to wait for her hangover to wear off and for her to have breakfast at 3pm and then perhaps take him for a very short walk at 4pm....and then she hopes he won't want another.
So I took him for a walk before 2pm, ate my hastily bought lunch (unhealthy microwave stuff) with her and then hoped I could get back home for 3pm to have some time to myself and tidy up the house, prepare for the coming week, deal with letters and paperwork, etc.........but when I said I'll get going, the dog looked at me and went to the front door expecting to go back out in the sun (he was still tired at 2pm so that wasn't a particularly good walk, also he's post anaesthetic and unfortunately also 'comes round' about 3pm with mum because she keeps him up so late).......
Mum knows I can't refuse the dog. He's the only being after my dad that loves me unconditionally. I would do anything for the dog, but I can't have him live with me in my rented house........plus he's older now and used to mum's house. Because she knows I can't refuse him, she holds off walking him so that I get the looks from him that I can't refuse.
What I'm trying to say is she is just not pulling her weight at all. I've had to pick up wine and cigarettes for her today. If ever I mention going to the shop you can be sure it's followed with 'can you get.....' etc. I have to do an online shop for her tonight, if I don't then I have to keep running around getting things. She won't leave the dog alone to walk ten mins to the local supermarket herself. She says she'll only do that if she can walk the dog too and drop him off with me. Now, of course she can do that, as I said I'll do anything for the dog, but she always asks to do that on days where I'm doing something else..........and only those days. And that's if she ever does it at all, she usually relies on the online shop which I do.
I think she's plain lazy. Sometimes her brother comes to stay and he too seems very lazy, just doesn't expect to have to do anything. If he finishes food he'll sit there with the plate on his lap and wait for you to take it away. Mum never asks him to pick anything up from the shop, when I suggested she do so to give me a break (while he's staying) she went silent and looked at me as if it's too awkward to ask him, he just doesn't do stuff.
So I'm pretty stressed because every day is like this. And it doesn't seem to matter how much I explain to her that I'm not happy with the way things are, she stays silent as if she thinks that as long as I do what she wants it doesn't matter if I moan about it. When I was little she once said to someone, 'it doesn't matter if they complain, so long as they do what they're told.' I'm fuming. I can't stand her but I worry that without me the dog would suffer /neglect
Many landlords will allow pets with an extra charge. Have you asked yours? Did you know pets weren’t allowed when you moved there? Did you search for a place that did? I know they’re hard to find, but they’re out there.
As long as you allow yourself to be used by these two, they will be only too happy to do so. The dog deserves better. And so do you.
I had a friend years ago who had a small dog. This dog was his world...sadly his dad got drunk and sat on the dog, passed out drunk. Now this guy was a big guy, however, he broke the dog's neck! I am not telling you this to be mean, but I can think of at least 20 things that could go wrong with a drunken elderly woman who smokes and a dog she doesn't care for!😕
Believe me she doesn't care or see the dog the way you do. Ahmijoy is right, these people will continue to use you if you let them.
Talk to your landlord about putting down a 200.00 dollar non-refundable deposit this has worked for me in the past.
You and your dog deserve so much more. Find away to give your dog a better life.
Hope you do the right thing!
Good luck!
I really appreciate your replies. I think maybe the way i worded things made it sound like the dog is in danger but actually my mum does in fact adore the dog......and yes she drinks, but I've stayed at her house for a week once when I had building work going on and she drinks around 4 glasses of wine over the course of the night and is still functional by the time she goes to bed. I know it's a lot, but she was absolutely fine taking the dog out in the garden for one last time, then locking up, then saying goodnight appropriately and taking herself off to bed, she was in no way drunk in the sense of being all over the place or anything like that.
The other thing is that the dog wants to be with her now, he's used to it. When he comes to my house, while he loves being with me, he doesn't want to be in my house and waits until we go out. He associates me with the fun activities, but he has no desire to be in my home.
I would take him of course if I thought he was in any danger (regardless of the rules of my rental property, I'd just face the consequences or move), but it's less that.....it's more subtle than that. It's just that she could get up a bit earlier. I know she's retired, but having breakfast at 3pm and walking the dog at 4pm is just not the best for him. The vet told me he'll adapt to all that, and there are days when mum says they've been on a long walk. She doesn't lie, that's not her nature, I know the routes they take and often can meet them, so I know she does it.
She loves animals and is always on the look out for animals in distress, etc, it's just that she misses some of the subtleties. To her if he's going to get a walk in half an hour then there's not a problem, whereas for me, if he's waited all morning then I am more sensitive to his wishes, that sort of thing. What I'm saying is I'm not worried for his physical safety (and I adore him so I would act if i thought there was a danger there), more the emotional side of things.
I was just so frustrated earlier that I probably painted the worst picture.
Moving the dog in with me is not likely to work at all, he's nearly 15 and been with her the whole time and wants to be with her, so I guess I'm looking for help in managing the situation with Mum. Today she did call me and said 'you've bought the wine for me and the cigarettes, I've got some money here for you.' etc...I just need her to pull her weight a bit, and think a bit more about what I'm having to do and not keep the dog waiting, those are the worst things.
Appreciate your responses, and I have taken them on board nonetheless and thank you.