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My spouse has dementia and is convinced that he has not money. We have always keep entirely separate accounts; I am not on his checking; he is not on mine. We have shared expenses equitably - kind of. His expenses have run about 30% of his net income; mine run about 48%. Money is a BIG trigger for both of us. He is refusing to pay our estimated taxes, so I have paid those. He is now refusing to pay our property taxes, which is currently due as well as house and car insurance (these expenses are part of his 30%}. He is actually pretty well, except for understanding of numbers - consequently this idea that he has no money. I cannot absorb all expenses and am becoming quite resentful. Our trust does provide that I would have financial POA, but I don't think I have enough to try and invoke that PLUS he would know and it would likely create further tension. I am unsure how to approach getting him to pay his share.

This is a legal question.
You have here a man refusing to pay his taxes.
Life doesn't go well for people who don't pay their taxes.
I would see an Elder Law Attorney either with him or without him. If you can't afford this, then you are going to be in a whole lot of trouble eventually.

Executive function is CRUCIAL to protection and safety. You may need to apply for a financial conservatorship. And it is definitely time for visit to MD and some testing. Because to be this crazed about money and otherwise well doesn't make a whole lot of sense on the face of it. Generally someone like this is not functioning well in other manner as well.

See an elder law attorney. Make it clear you are needing to buy and hour of their time to discuss options. Take all details with you.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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What a mess! I wish I had advice. Is he giving you a reason for not paying? Good luck.
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AlvaDeer Nov 17, 2024
I wonder if APS could not help in handling this, even to negotiating this necessity of death and taxes to this gentleman. There MUST be help for this. I would go to the county authorities to get this handled also as in "How do I get my hubby to pay his portion of the taxes on our shared abode?
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See an elder care attorney for sound advice on invoking POA soon. The reality of needing to handle his finances is upon you, tension or not. He’s lost the ability to make sound financial decisions and this is exactly what POA is for, you need to find out exactly what enacts the document he signed
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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Financial confusion is one of the first red flags of dementia. My partner, a professional actuary, tried to do his taxes and thought he was getting a refund but actually owed $14,000. I ultimately had to fix 5 years of taxes for him to straighten it out. Get that POA done ASAP. If you have to tell him a story initially to help him to accept your getting involved with his money, do what you need to do to protect both of you. you might want to go to his bank with your POA and explain his disease. My partner was smart enough to add my name to his checking account early as an equal owner. you could tell him that the bank contacted you about compromised accounts and need to protect the account by adding your name to the account. I don’t want to suggest that you trick him. But you do need to be the adult in the room to protect both of you. Discuss this openly with your attorney, his doctor, and the bank in order to handle this legally and transparently. I had excellent support from professionals to manage my partner’s situation.
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Reply to Katherine1953
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You need to speak with a certified eldercare attorney (and possibly a recommended accountant) asap. Hubby obviously had memory issues (possible dementia) and it sounds as if you don't have PoA; it may be too late to obtain this but speak with the attorney with or without hubby. Those property taxes have to be paid or you will risk losing your home.
I wish you good fortune on this part of your journey.
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Reply to geddyupgo
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Mtkat15: Retain an attorney.
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Reply to Llamalover47
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Can you create log in for his account online and pay his bills from that? If he can't understand numbers, is he really looking at bank statements that come in the mail? If he's not looking at paper statements, when you're online you can turn hardcopy mailed statements off and it will become online banking only.

If the above won't work, then you just have to get the check book out and tell him the house/car insurance is due and to write a check or they will be terminated. Tell him how much is in the bank at the same time.
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Reply to my2cents
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You need to see an elder care attorney. He will not stay in this condition but he will go down hill. You need to invoke the POA or you will be unable to manage and who knows what he may do with his money. He will not like it. Make sure the doctor knows what you are dealing with. Meds can often help.
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Reply to RetiredBrain
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Doctor's appointment is in order. Make appointments for both of you and ask for mental competency testing. Tell hubby it is part of usual annual check up for people your "age". If doctor says he has cognitive issues, explain your concerns about hubby and numbers. Ask if POA should be invoked. Let the doctor be the "bad guy."
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Reply to Taarna
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This is an issue that can’t be postponed or ignored. If he won’t listen to you, you MUST call in others who he can’t ignore. Consider splitting your finances so that he doesn’t impoverish you – and tell him that’s what you are going to do if he doesn’t accept his financial responsiblities.
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How would he know? If you go to his bank with the POA and sit down with a banker and let them know he has dementia and you need to be able to help him pay his bills … I think they’d let you have access to his account. My husband pays my parents bills - they have no idea the details … but he’s got POA. He got checks with his name on them but his name is not actually on the account. This will be easier if you both bank at same place and have a history with that bank. My parents had been at same credit union for 25 years. We are in a different state entirely and have no relationship with that credit union. Can’t hurt to try. If the banker says no and sends a letter .. you can intercept it. My parents didn’t use online banking so we set up their account with a log in and password - again, they have no idea. Don’t be afraid to do what needs to be done and not explain it to him. He has dementia. What’s the point of trying to reason or get him to agree? I thought through worst case scenario when we did all this. Worst case the bank calls the police? Okay .. here’s the POA. Worst case we don’t pay a bill on time? They’re 85 … go ahead and ding their credit - no mortgages in their future. I think this when a medical bill is quite late because we don’t know about it. So what … we do our best to keep things current .. but the consequences don’t matter anymore and if we’re not informed, we just pay late. If your husband gets mad, is he still with it enough to really argue with you or would he get confused and not remember the facts correctly anyway? Don’t be afraid to outwit him. Another thought .. pay half of something. When the next installment comes due give it to him. He doesn’t pay … hand him the phone when collections calls.
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Reply to Lmkcbz
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How you handle this:
1. Immediately get documentation from medical provider that husband is unable to manage his finances (and perhaps other care needs) due to his changing brain chemistry, i.e., dementia (although most MDs do not write 'dementia'. However they describe it, it is legal evidence and documentation that you need for legal documents, bank accounts - all his financial business.
2. Call / engage (hire) an elder / trust attorney.
- Get all hen, you get all the legal documents in order so you can manage.

If I were you, I might engage an attorney yesterday. Then call his medical provider. Provide written statement or list of what is happening so MD has it in your husband's records. MD needs this documentation somehow. It will help if you start a daily journal of what transpires.

Your husband is unable to do what is needed due to his changing brain chemistry. It is understandable that he is 'refusing' to pay estimated taxes (as) he doesn't understand what it means anymore; he cannot do it.

You must take the required steps to insure everything, legally, is in order - for his wellbeing and yours. You must protect your assets, and his (as his wife).

Gena / Touch Matters
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Reply to TouchMatters
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A lot of these issues imo are really things for a good Divorce atty to work though. A good Divorce practice has someone on staff that does forensic accounting or has an affiliation with a CPA that does this routinely for them. Family law attorney can do this too but imo their wheelhouse is more custody & child support work.

You can see a Divorced atty for work other than just doing “divorces”. It’s a couples equitable segregation of assets work to be done and with whatever legal filings needed to enforce then is then done by the atty. There being an existing Trust makes this even more complicated. That hubs refuses to pay property taxes or IRS taxes, is super scary stuff to me. Deliquency on either has serious ratifications. (I’ve done tax sales and seen families in panic & distress at the courthouse finding out family members home under tax sale redemption). Divorce practice will know an elder law guy to bring in as needed.

Please don’t wait on this….. your hubs sounds perfect for a scammer to hit up as hubs has lost his executive functioning but still has the ego/belief he is still 100% able to know better than others. You may want to google: Lewy Body Dementia. Lewy is a bit different at the beginning as a dementia for how it runs….. they stay appearing quite competent and cognitive & even social but their executive functioning is shot. They can’t balance a checkbook or understand an invoice or a bank statement. And will not be convinced otherwise. Good luck and let us know what happens. We do learn from each other.
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Lmkcbz Nov 23, 2024
I’m going to guess paying for the divorce lawyer will be an issue here if the original poster isn't able to cover his half of the bills. I’m sure you’re right - but not sure how practical it is when somebody’s struggling with money.
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I thought of something else. How old are you both? Are your accounts set up to transferred to each other upon death? If so, then maybe it isn’t as big a deal if you cover his half from your account given his account will eventually end up yours too.
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