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Really the home shopping channels are a drug for shut-in's.
If it's her cable, she will just have it turned back on.
What you can do is SHAME the companies. I'd take pictures of the chaos from the stuff and clearly so that you can read HSN or whatever logo is apparent and then contact: 1. your local TV station action reporter with the jpegs of the photos. Stories like this are perfect for a 3 minute segment; 2. Hoarders or the other reality shows - again your mom & sis are perfect casting for an episode; 3. you're in CT, right, then email contact Tara Pope @ the NYTimes - she's the head of the aging section reporting at NYT and your situation is perfect for what is called a "progress story" and fit's within the regional editions of NYT. She is a most fabulous writer too. The media attention will get the house cleared up; stop the QVC or other HSN from ever doing bizness with mom & likely get sister the care she needs also. But you really have to be able to deal with the fallout from making what may be a family secret(s) known to the world. Good luck.
I'm glad to see that you're detaching, Ruggles. That's really all you can do. You can't change your mom's behavior. If she were a drug addict and you took away her drugs she would just get more drugs. However, if you approached her dealer and threatened him if he sold your mom the drugs again he wouldn't give a d**n and I'm not surprised QVC doesn't care. It's not their job to care about the spending habits of their customers. Why should they? It's not QVC's fault that your mom's spending is out of control. When your mom shopped at Walmart everyday would you have expected Walmart to care that your mom's spending was out of control?
Getting rid of QVC is just a barrier that your mom will have to overcome to fill her emotional void that all this junk fills. There are tons of infomercials on tv around the clock. When do you stop trying to control her habit? You said this was years and years of behavior twisted up in personality disorders. You can't cut through that and it would take years of therapy for a therapist to get through all of that stuff.
You can't change her behavior. QVC isn't at fault. All you can do if find a way within yourself to come to terms with it, that this is the way it is, and try not to let her behavior affect you. This is her mess, not yours. If your mom were an alcoholic and you were spending your energy on having her supply of booze cut off and begging her to see reason and wanting to take the money that she spends on booze away that would be codependent behavior. We can't control other people's actions and the only way she's going to change is if she wants to change. Otherwise you're going to make yourself crazy. Keep detaching. It might be something that you have to practice doing everyday, numerous times a day. It doesn't come easy or everyone would be able to do it with no problem but it's not easy. But you're on the right track.
Ruggles, I am not quite sure about the Dept of Social Services - but it can't hurt to try.
May I suggest a meeting with your Mom (and your sister) to discuss her care and finances. Has she been diagnosed with anything? I would talk about the POA and Health Directive and let her know why this is important (google for ideas - check out AARP website for example). Look into how to get the POA in CT (google it).
Definitely block the QVC channel (though I can see your Mom calling the cable guys to come out and fix it). Regarding the styrofoam, CT is behind the times - so simply place in trash bin. Are you living with your Mom? Why not simply refuse shipment? Also, why not take your Mom out shopping as this is what she is really missing.
Ruggles, I'm so sorry for your situation and I totally understand your frustration. You're mom is spending money she will most likely need for her own care in the not to distant future. Maybe you can have a family pow-wow and talking to your mom about the worries that she won't have anything left for any care she might need when she get's older if she doesn't get the buying under control.
This is an addiction though, in some as bad as a drug addiction. You say she's had it for years, so you may need to come to terms with the fact that there may be no help for her in this unless she, herself, reaches out for help.
I don't know what to say, I can sure feel for you, I abhor clutter and there are a lot of people who have lived somewhere their whole lives and accumulate so much as is. This is for sure her recreation and it is her money and her house. You aren't living there so let it be, when she runs out of money she won't be able to buy anymore stuff. I would one last time talk about getting legal stuff done for any future issues, but if she doesn't want to do it, that is her choice. She is of sane mind and can do what she wants within reason with her money and her home. Detachment maybe your only course, let go.
I understand your frustration. My birth mother is a level 5 hoarder with a shopping addiction. But, my masters in psychology has taught me that it is not QVCs fault that your mother is an addict, any more than it is the alcohol store's fault that someone is an alcoholic.
You say that your mother is of sound mind...but is she really? Someone with a mental illness such as addiction is not of sound mind. She is not able to make rational decisions about spending money and I think any agency would agree with that. I think you can do a few things. You can attempt to gain DPOA of her so that you control the finances. This would allow you to shut off the cards, and the channel if you want and not allow her to spend. If she is not willing to do this the easy way, then you need to call the area on aging and have them do an assessment. Based on what you describe, they will deem her incompetent (based on both her spending AND on the condition of her house). No doubt that there are fire code violations, etc. They will not allow her to continue to live like that and will have a guardian appointed (most likely you) to make the right decisions.
Some may tell you that if she is of sound mind she can make her spending decisions on her own and shop all she wants...but I would argue that someone who is a hoarder and a shopping addict is NOT of sound mind. You will not be able to reason with her and get her to stop shopping unless she wants to if she is truly an addict, which is why you have to contact the authorities and have them deem her incapable of making her own decisions. I don't think you will have a problem doing this from a legal standpoint...however, can you do this from an emotional standpoint? She will be upset, but it IS what's best for her. If she had a different illness, say cancer, you wouldn't let her live in a way that would hurt her either right? Addiction IS an illness, and she does need someone to make her decisions.
As far as dementia and DPOA, sound mind is sound mind, free of delusions and all the other dementia related issues. Her shopping bent is a choice and I don't think you can dictate to her what you consider acceptable, or not, she has her marbles and no one will commit her on her shopping penchant whatever you think is sound or not.
Since most of these products bought off of TV require a credit card, any chance of getting your mother's bank to lower the maximum amount to $500.00 a month or less? If mother complains just tell her she's not making enough income so the bank had lowered her max amount.
I you can't cancel her credit cards, then you can't do anything to stop her.
To expect QVC to step in is, I'm sorry, just silly. "I'm sorry, Mrs. Ruggles, we've been instructed by your daughter not to accept any more orders from you." That is NEVER going to happen.
I don't mean to be unsympathetic, but it's your mom's money. If she gets some small joy from at-home shopping and she has the money to do so, then why would you deprive her of this entertainment? No matter HOW many unopened boxes she has in the house.
Now. If she's spending more than she has, that's a different story. But your initial post doesn't indicate that.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
If it's her cable, she will just have it turned back on.
What you can do is SHAME the companies. I'd take pictures of the chaos from the stuff and clearly so that you can read HSN or whatever logo is apparent and then contact: 1. your local TV station action reporter with the jpegs of the photos. Stories like this are perfect for a 3 minute segment; 2. Hoarders or the other reality shows - again your mom & sis are perfect casting for an episode; 3. you're in CT, right, then email contact Tara Pope @ the NYTimes - she's the head of the aging section reporting at NYT and your situation is perfect for what is called a "progress story" and fit's within the regional editions of NYT. She is a most fabulous writer too. The media attention will get the house cleared up; stop the QVC or other HSN from ever doing bizness with mom & likely get sister the care she needs also. But you really have to be able to deal with the fallout from making what may be a family secret(s) known to the world. Good luck.
Getting rid of QVC is just a barrier that your mom will have to overcome to fill her emotional void that all this junk fills. There are tons of infomercials on tv around the clock. When do you stop trying to control her habit? You said this was years and years of behavior twisted up in personality disorders. You can't cut through that and it would take years of therapy for a therapist to get through all of that stuff.
You can't change her behavior. QVC isn't at fault. All you can do if find a way within yourself to come to terms with it, that this is the way it is, and try not to let her behavior affect you. This is her mess, not yours. If your mom were an alcoholic and you were spending your energy on having her supply of booze cut off and begging her to see reason and wanting to take the money that she spends on booze away that would be codependent behavior. We can't control other people's actions and the only way she's going to change is if she wants to change. Otherwise you're going to make yourself crazy. Keep detaching. It might be something that you have to practice doing everyday, numerous times a day. It doesn't come easy or everyone would be able to do it with no problem but it's not easy. But you're on the right track.
May I suggest a meeting with your Mom (and your sister) to discuss her care and finances. Has she been diagnosed with anything? I would talk about the POA and Health Directive and let her know why this is important (google for ideas - check out AARP website for example). Look into how to get the POA in CT (google it).
Definitely block the QVC channel (though I can see your Mom calling the cable guys to come out and fix it). Regarding the styrofoam, CT is behind the times - so simply place in trash bin. Are you living with your Mom? Why not simply refuse shipment? Also, why not take your Mom out shopping as this is what she is really missing.
This is an addiction though, in some as bad as a drug addiction. You say she's had it for years, so you may need to come to terms with the fact that there may be no help for her in this unless she, herself, reaches out for help.
You say that your mother is of sound mind...but is she really? Someone with a mental illness such as addiction is not of sound mind. She is not able to make rational decisions about spending money and I think any agency would agree with that. I think you can do a few things. You can attempt to gain DPOA of her so that you control the finances. This would allow you to shut off the cards, and the channel if you want and not allow her to spend. If she is not willing to do this the easy way, then you need to call the area on aging and have them do an assessment. Based on what you describe, they will deem her incompetent (based on both her spending AND on the condition of her house). No doubt that there are fire code violations, etc. They will not allow her to continue to live like that and will have a guardian appointed (most likely you) to make the right decisions.
Some may tell you that if she is of sound mind she can make her spending decisions on her own and shop all she wants...but I would argue that someone who is a hoarder and a shopping addict is NOT of sound mind. You will not be able to reason with her and get her to stop shopping unless she wants to if she is truly an addict, which is why you have to contact the authorities and have them deem her incapable of making her own decisions. I don't think you will have a problem doing this from a legal standpoint...however, can you do this from an emotional standpoint? She will be upset, but it IS what's best for her. If she had a different illness, say cancer, you wouldn't let her live in a way that would hurt her either right? Addiction IS an illness, and she does need someone to make her decisions.
Angel #2
To expect QVC to step in is, I'm sorry, just silly. "I'm sorry, Mrs. Ruggles, we've been instructed by your daughter not to accept any more orders from you." That is NEVER going to happen.
I don't mean to be unsympathetic, but it's your mom's money. If she gets some small joy from at-home shopping and she has the money to do so, then why would you deprive her of this entertainment? No matter HOW many unopened boxes she has in the house.
Now. If she's spending more than she has, that's a different story. But your initial post doesn't indicate that.
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