My parent and step are both in their 80's. Step has had Alzheimer's for approximately 7 years. They live independently at the moment but I can see that step will be needing assisted living in the near future. Step-siblings are almost insisting that they go someplace together. My parent is very independent and even if they are ready for a new place to live parent does not need Assisted Living. I think it's unreasonable and somewhat pushy for them to not consider the needs of both parents. I also think they're aren't accepting the reality of their parents' future. As it is right now, my parent is overwhelmed with taking care of spouse and contemplating all of the future decisions. All of us children live out-of-town so it's not like we can take turns helping them. How can I talk to my step-siblings without losing it and still be an advocate for my parent?
1. Old caregivers die sooner than those for whom they are caring.
2. In their struggle to remain independent, parents take on too many things, feel overwhelmed, but do not ask for help once they are in over their heads.
3. The step parent is getting the better end of this arrangement, which can be a difficult thing for biological children to watch.
After much, much fuss, my inlaws live in independent living. My FIL is the independent one and my MIL needs help with all her ADLs but her mind is intact. Both benefitted immensely by having onsite meal service, transportation, activities etc. but FIL's quality of life has been the most improved because he no longer has to do it all alone. Even though I was caregiving for them before they moved to indy living, FIL felt like he had to plan and/or do everything.
You say it's not a financial problem but an emotional one. Indy living is expensive and assisted living even more so. I understand your financial concerns. Will there be enough money left to care for your parent? I agree it would not be in your parent's best interest to move to a level of care appropriate for someone with Alzheimer's.
They are married and I would try your best to make arrangements that keep them together (for as long as possible) and have progressive services for when the time comes.
Focus on getting your parent the help s/he needs first because it is your parent who is overwhelmed. What are the most important services you want your parent to have?
I would argue on the side of diplomacy with your step kin if at all possible in resolving this.
More detail would be helpful and can we talk about mom or dad instead of parent? I understand the need for discretion but some basic info would be most helpful.
Is your parent happy for that to happen? That's the only question for both sets of siblings, when it comes down to it. Support the independent living until it becomes unsafe or impractical. From there provide options:
move together to a highly supported environment OR
move stepparent to continuing care setting while parent remains living independently.
This is an overwhelming decision, and one that must be heartbreaking for the competent parent. I can't help feeling that what all of the children should do is keep their opinions to themselves and focus on supporting whatever choice that parent eventually settles on. I'd tell your step siblings the same - it's just as important that s/he doesn't feel obliged to continue his/her caring role beyond what s/he can manage - so I hope you don't feel I'm being unfair.
By the way, though, in a good ALF a person is encouraged to maintain their independence; so there is no reason why a comparatively able older person should not enjoy very good quality of life. The Assistance is available, not mandatory. If there is a particular place being proposed, why not go and have a look at it and see how you feel about how they handle married couples with widely differing care needs - you may be pleasantly surprised. The expense is another issue, of course.