The only thing I can think of is to get a restraining order to prevent him from being on their property while I am there to help my mother. I have asked him to stop his name calling, screaming and cussing at me to no avail. He can turn on a dime and be sweet as sugar to someone else within a minute after yelling at me so I believe he knows who he can and can not get away with this behavior. It's not going to be me any more. I have tried to talk to my parents about this and nothing comes of it. He is much the same way with my mother. Any advice?
You could call your local office of the aging or an elder abuse hotline or some other resources pertaining to your concerns. In any event it needs to be resolved or, someone is likely to be in harms way eventually.
This reminds me of my In-laws, he was verbally abusive and my MIL was fine except for BP. He got worse mentally due to Alz. and the result was suicide for her, she ODed on antidepressants. If I only knew what the signs were at that time, maybe I could have done something. I did not realize what a mental strain it is to live with a verbally abusive person, stubborn and arrogant until I cared for my Mom with dementia. Your Dad may not have dementia or Alz but it's still a toxic scenario .
Maybe get someone else to go with you to distract your Dad or an outsider to do the cleaning and other things they need.
If possible you can pick Mom up one day and keep her out of the picture for a while, like a mini vacation away from him. Simply tell her it's girls time, not suggesting it's because of him (show not anger, I know it's easier said but scream in another room if you need to) just remember you need to do whatever it takes. I suggest this because if your Mom doesn't think she's going against his wishes she will go with you willingly apparently she's used to babying him and caring for him and if he knows your doing it because it's his fault that wont be good either. Once you get them peacefully separated, talk to your Mom ask what she really would like to do. Then I would got to talk to Dad while Mom is not with him, he's going to want her to come back. You took away his caretaker and maybe after a while he will see he needs her and to treat her kind or he will have to do without. My suggestions are based on what I have learned about people in general and my own life experiences. One thing I do know for sure... is you came her because you need help and your parents can't go on this way neither can you. Good luck and vent all you want here!!
Try this approach... instead of treating your parents (In no way I'm I saying your wrong for caring) like they need, you act like you need them to help you. For example... I used to pretend I was lost on the road, and asked my Mom how do I go, like I was lost and needed her. If I followed her directions we would have both been lost LOL but she thought I was her helpless child again!!!
I had police at my house everyday, just because my Mom didn't want to listen to me or control her, but the officer that Mom trusted explained to my Mom that he was going to punish me and that she was absolutely right, I was abusive and she was the angel!!!! The last thing Mom wanted to hear was that I was only trying to help her and care for her.... In her words "I am your mother you are not mine"! Oh and in fact I was lucky the officer understood if he listened to the "defenseless older woman" I would have been arrested for abusing her. I hope this helps. Your dad may be "mentally unstable" this is caused by many reasons, read some of the dementia posts here. It might help you understand, and how to deal with this, if that is the case.
Post back here I'd like to help if I understood more details. It's not easy for the one who cares, but don't give up you have friends here! It helps if you keep a smile even if it kills you don't get angry, he wants you to give up in a way but it's really not what wants or what he and your Mom needs.
"Need to know basis" works too don't tell them what your intentions are for their safety and care issues.
Try Looking at it this way... if you were caring for a small child and the child wanted to put a screw driver in an electric socket, you know the child dose not know the danger involved, and throws a tantrum if you grab the screw driver, your first instinct is to ignore the tantrum and grab the screw driver, no matter how upset it makes the child even if that child hates you for it, you did the right thing. You wouldn't have a second thought. After that episode you would be happy the child wasn't hurt and glad about that, you wouldn't feel guilty or threatened by the child. Our parents know our buttons, the test us
(they did raise us) just like you know their weaknesses and strengths and how to get you to a boiling point to get their way. Sometimes you need to reverse the roles for their safety, this is unnatural that is why it's so hard ON BOTH ENDS!
My Dad is HIGHLY resentful that he has to do "womens work" inside the house and that is what sets him off the most often. He thinks my mother is ugly and her hair looks awful yet he won't offer to take her a mile up the road to get her hair done. He is stuck in 1960 and does not believe men should have to help with anything inside the house. And no, my mother would never leave him. I don't want him around when I come over to take her to the store, he cusses about having to put the groceries in the cabinets, I don't want him there when I clean or when I come over to take her to the store or when I come over to take her to the dr. My mother is lonely and I try to spend time with her at home but he is making it impossible. When I walked out on them the other week I had to leave my mother sobbing which about killed me to have to do that.