91yo mom with dementia and probable personality disorder, currently in behavioral unit of an ALF complex more than 1000 miles away from us 3 adult kids. She has bombarded my sister with phone calls - sometimes 3x day - with complaints about everything and everyone. Almost every call includes begging to die, wanting to die, asking her to send her a gun, etc. Staff are aware of this pattern. Yesterday, she told my sister she was planning to kill herself with a knife, and that she was going to call 911 and tell them that the staff were beating her up. I notified the staff of this threat, and agreed a 911 call from them was okay (I’m POA)They called, and a mental health crisis team responded. As it happened, the psych consultant was present. He manages her meds, knows her history, etc. Mom hates him (as she does everyone in the world). Mom absolutely denied she had made any such threats. The crisis team didn’t think a hospital visit was needed and left. Since we all live so far away, it’s a problem when she denies everything and we can’t prove otherwise. She’s threatened suicide for DECADES. Psych guy suggested we could consider restricting her phone use, to minimize her ability to make these awful phone calls. He also touched on the idea that Mom calls sister, sister calls me, I call the unit staff, they call 911 and him…it sure rallies the troops for attention to her, doesn’t it? I’ve urged my sister to LIMIT the calls she takes (I blocked mom’s calls many months ago). Not sure it would help to have her firmly tell mom: when you say these things, I feel I HAVE TO report it to the staff or call 911 myself to address your endangering yourself or others. But if she actually WANTS the attention, even negative, that may not stop her. Not sure if she knowingly denies what she’s said, or if her dementia wipes it out and she doesn’t remember. Sorry for the long long story, but we are just buffaloed and are scratching for some way to react or respond to her on the spot… thank you for any thoughts or experiences you might share. Oh, and yes, she is on antidepressant med, anti-anxiety med, AND they are trying a low dose of an anti-psychotic to see if that helps…
My old world Italian mother passed at 95+ after 65 years I know of threatening to kill herself. Everything from stabbing herself to running out in traffic, shooting herself with a non existent gun, jumping out of a first floor window, etc. When I was a small child, she'd get in the car and burn rubber off the driveway threatening to drive the car off a bridge and kill herself that way. As a child her antics were causing me PTSD. As an adult, they were very annoying and ridiculous. I'd call her bluff and tell her to climb up to the roof if she was going to jump....the first floor wouldn't do a thing. Manipulation tactics are not appreciated as a grown as* adult.
When mom got dementia, these death threats only worsened as did the rest of behavior which was always passive aggressive and ugly. I limited my contact with her and always took a buffer with me when visiting. She rarely acted out TOO badly when DH was there. I realize you're very far away which is fortunate, you have ways to cope that most others do not. While I kept limited contact with moms forked tongue and histrionic behavior, I did a ton FOR her behind the scenes. This, imo, is the best way to manage personality disordered parents and or those with dementia who's life goal is to destroy their children and blame them for their age and misery.
When my grandmother, moms mother, went into a nursing home, the family would come by to take her out to lunch or for the day. Upon returning her, grandma would throw herself down on the parking lot ground and refuse to get up, screaming and wailing that she didn't want to go back to her room. This made it SO HARD for anyone to take her out, they had to stop doing so. Just another example of the Italian histrionics that run in this family.
Wishing you good luck and Godspeed.
My mother didn't have a drop of Italian blood in her and she was the queen of manipulative histrionics. My father who was first generation born in America along with his siblings were the least drama people you could find, though they were very loud. My Italian-Greek grandparents from the old country were zero histrionics of any kind.
Your mother was a drama queen. My mother was too. It has nothing to do with their ethnicity.
Sending hugs.
Most definitely she is looking for attention and doesn't care if it's negative or not. My mother was like this my whole life. These people always reach a great old age too.
Years ago I was part of a friend's wedding. She was Indian. This was an event that took over a year of preparations, custom-made clothing, rehearsals, and travel. When my luggage was being loaded into the car in the driveway, my mother started having chest pains. She cried and begged could I just take her to the ER and get a different flight. The answer was no. I told her to call my one of my siblings to bring her. She called no one and went nowhere. I had the experience of a lifetime and she didn't speak to me for few months after I got back.
The staff at the AL have to pay attention to your mother's nonsense because they are required by law to respond. You and your sister don't have to and shouldn't.
What might be a good thing for your mother is to get her a paid companion who will visit with her a few hours a week. She can complain to the companion and they will be an audience for her drama performances.
What is “behavioral unit of an ALF complex”? It sounds like she needs to be in a place where she is more closely supervised.
I get that she says these things to your sister then denies it when questioned. Not sure who you need to prove this to or why, but if you do, couldn’t your sister just record a couple of these calls before blocking her number?
Why are you so upset about M threatening the same thing? Tell her it’s her own choice, and stop worrying about it.
And next time she threatens suicide call her bluff and ask her how she wants her body taken care of after she does, cremation or burial, and then let her know you'll follow through with her final wishes.
Not sure how well that will work with someone with dementia, but I would sure give it a try.
This is just lifelong manipulation by your mother. Tell your sister she can block your mother if she wants. If she chooses to continue to accept your mother's calls, you don't want to hear about them. Your sister can call the staff or 911, but you aren't going to be part of it anymore.
Is someone listed as a successor to you on the POA?
I'm sorry you're being subjected to this. I hope everyone will take seriously the ability of anti-psychotics to help your mother get out of this miserable mindset.
Go visit periodically if you want but stop enabling her toxic behavior.
I hope your mother’s ordeal is over soon. What else can one say.