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V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
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you can't reverse the situation, just go along with whatever they are saying, if they want to know where their spouse is (when talking to you), just tell them they had some errands to run and they would be back later. don't try to argue, you will not win. Just play along with the game their mind is playing. my dad sometimes thought his wife was his mother, mom just played along, then one time he thought his wife was his siter...she just laughed and went along with it. their mind has been changed by the disease so its not personal. wishing you luck.....and play along.
Imho, while there is no way to attempt to correct dementia, you can "reduce friction" by keeping it simple, e.g. do not overreact and also know that your spouse is still he or she.
There is no reversing the loss of memory. The onus to reducing friction is on the healthy spouse. He/she must accept and adapt to the new reality of being a stranger. Lealonnie's tips on coping can help.
The responses to your post actually brought a smile to my face. The comments of Grannie, Taarna, WearyJean, et al, not only helps put your situation in perspective (meaning it's a common behavior), but reinforces my belief that roses can grow among the thorns.
I'm fortunate now to have resumed my dementia support groups and in every one, the personal stories cited below would have brought laughter to the group.
You need to be fixed - not the patient. You cannot FIX DEMENTIA. It is there and it will get worse and try as you might, you cannot fix it. YOU must accept this - this person is broken and never will be normal again. Get tough and learn to accept this although it is hard. Don't argue or fight - accomplishes nothing. Deflect and steer the conversations in different directions. If it gets too upsetting to you, just leave by saying you need to use the bathroom or whatever and tell them you will come back shortly. The friction will remain because you are expecting and hoping for something that is gone. Move on if it is too much for you - visit but only briefly until things go south and then leave so you won't be destroyed in the process.
There is no way to reverse dementia. It only gets worse and some days are better than others.
You can play music that the person use to like. You can go thru picture albums. Depending on dementia. My 97 yr old Dad can remember things from long ago but has short term memory and a few minutes after I leave his house, he won't remember I visited.
You just have to realize they're doing the best they can and if they don't remember you, they'll remember your kindness and you can start making new memories with them.
Im always happy that my Dad recognizes me even though he may forget my name.
I just make the visit about him so he is happy for the time I'm around even if I know he'll forget that I was there.
Live for the moment.
Be glad they can still eat and drink and whatever else they can do.
The best way to reduce friction is to not argue. Often my Husband would start following someone in the store and I would ask where he was going and he would say he was looking for his wife. I would ask him if it would be OK if I walked with him until we found her. I would walk with him and we would walk out and he would head to the car and get in when unlocked the door and helped him in. No more "looking for his wife" I often kidded that when he was following a younger woman with long dark hair in his mind that was me in my 20's, when he was following someone heavier set, with shorter hair that was me in my 50's. When I got my hair cut real short and stopped coloring it I was afraid he would start following gray haired old men! Just go with the reality they are in at the moment. If you are out and your spouse does not want to get into the car because they do not recognize you tell them to get in and you will drive around the block looking. In general they will look at you as a "safe" person and getting them to get into the car should not be a problem. There will come a time when going out will be more of a safety issue than them not recognizing you. At home it is easy to deal with. Sometimes just leaving the room and coming back in will trigger recognition. BUT At some point the recognition will be gone and you will be a "safe person" that they can trust to care for them. The brain my not recognize but the heart will.
My husband no longer knows my name. Our sons and their families live close by and visit often. He does not know them anymore. One night he got up to go to the bathroom. When he came back to bed, I asked him if he was okay. He answered, "You're so nice, are you married?" If it wasn't so sad, it would be funny. We often look at our wedding albums and he doesn't recognize the younger version of himself. Life has become a little lonely, my best friend and partner is pretty much gone. Just be thankful for the good days. They are different, but can still be good.
Your husband's comment about being married would bring laughter to those in a dementia support group. For you his comment was probably devastating, but for others to hear your specific story, brings closeness to the group in that they, too, have stories to share that can show both sadness and humor. Thanks for sharing.
My grandfather's dementia got to the point that he did not recognize my grandmother as his spouse. He kept asking her to marry him since she was "the nice lady who helps me." Maybe referring to the spouse as a "really good friend who helps" may be a good way to deal with this.
Sometimes when I ask my husband that question, he says things like, "You're the nice lady who gives me rides." If you can joke about it and laugh, it will make it easier on both of you. ((Hugs))
Because this is caused by brain damage there is no way to reverse it. My husband has FTD and when I ask him who I am he says " You are that chick I live with" . He also forgets my name, I tell him who I am and my name but he forgets again. I just respond with love and kindness and tell him it is OK , I will remember for him. It is a heartbreaking journey. My heart goes out to you.
There is no reversing the damage; brain is broken and can't be fixed. It's so sad but it is what it is.
Everyone around the person with dementia needs to change their perspective. It's so sad when they no longer recognize their LOs and very hurtful, but it is the disease and not the person. Don't correct them; don't argue with them; don't try and make them see what their brain can no longer conceive.
Stay as calm as you can - it's hard because frustration is hard to avoid. Learn techniques of the noncommittal answer; moving to other subjects; occasionally visiting their world.
If the situation become too difficult placement in a facility may be necessary - don't leave it till the last moment when you're desperate; take the time now to get all your ducks lined up - financials and what not and look at resources available.
Monday was our 41st anniversary. My husband woke up and didn't know my name. A little bit later he asked if I am Maple but didn't believe we ate married. Is it heartbreaking -yes. Do I try to convince him I am his wife - no. Sometimes I'm the "upstairs girl" , sometimes I'm " the lady in the kitchen ", occasionally he thinks I'm his high school girlfriend. Whatever role he thinks I am, I know his brain is broken and he's not doing it to be mean or hateful. My good friend said to be glad he doesn't think I'm either or his former wives, and I am grateful for that! LOL. At any rate, he tells me everyday that his glad I'm there and he thanks me for taking care of him. I have accepted his reality and I'm okay with it.
Exactly - wherever they are in their current "reality" is where they are. We can't bring them forward again, as all those memories are gone. We just have to "go with the flow", so long as it doesn't impact anyone's safety.
You have handled this very well and are very wise! Hopefully others will take something positive away from your comment.
Dementia is brain death. when parts are gone...they are gone. My Mom currently is in the process of forgetting who I am. some times she remembers other times she doesn't. But, I'm the nice lady who takes care of her and she is safe. heartbreaking but think of how terrifying it is for them.
Thanks for the documentation shared to learn further techniques. What we have observed is that the person with the medical situation only needs to be out of the home for a short period of time (without the spouse) and then returns fully recognizing the spouse. This can happen anytime of day and can be weeks between instances. The spouse (caregiver) has not been able to successfully turned the situation around by themselves up to this point when it occurs. Thank You
Like lealonnie said, there is no reversing this situation. You just have to be able to make the best of it. In most instances when dealing with someone with Alzheimer's/dementia, it's usually best to just go along with whatever the person is saying as it will make life a whole lot easier for you, and trying to argue the point is a no win situation. Will it be hard for you? Of course. It's heartbreaking when a spouse doesn't always know who you are. You cannot take it personally. Your spouses brain in broken and it will never get better. The best thing you can now do is to educate yourself on Alzheimer's/dementia, so you can better understand what your spouse is going through. Teepa Snow has some great videos on YouTube, and the book The 36 Hour Day is a great resource as well. I will also recommend finding a caregiver support group in your area as well, as that was a life saver for me when I was caring for my husband. You can Google to see if there are any in your area. Most are still meeting on Zoom right now, but hopefully in the near future, groups will once again be meeting in person. I wish you the very best as you travel this journey with your spouse.
You cannot 'reverse' a situation such as this where a person with dementia doesn't recognize their spouse. Here is an article from Alzheimers.org on the subject:
Tips on Coping Acknowledge the Loss: As with other grieving processes, it's okay, and often necessary, to let yourself grieve this decline in your loved one. You don't have to be stoic, even if you've read up on what to expect and you know the change is coming.
Remind Him: If you sense he doesn't recall your name or who you are, simply remind him once by saying, "We haven't seen each other in a while. I'm your nephew Sam."
Give Credit Where Credit Is Due: Remind yourself that this is due to the disease process and not a choice by your loved one. It's the Alzheimer's disease, vascular dementia, Lewy body dementia, or other types of dementia that should take the credit/responsibility for the loss of ability in your loved one. When he remembers your sister's name and not yours, try not to take it personally, even if it hurts your feelings. Blame the disease.
Respond Gently: When your loved one doesn't remember you, your goal is to decrease his anxiety or worries, not increase them by pointing out that you've been married to him for 50 years and asking why he doesn't love you anymore. Instead, you can try to change the subject or sing a favorite song with him.
Validation Therapy: If your wife continually refers to you as her father, ask her to tell you about her dad, what she misses about him, what he looked like, what he did as a job, and what she loved about him. Give her the opportunity to share her memories of him, rather than try to force the issue and make her identify and remember you.
Photos and Videos: Show your loved one older pictures of family and friends to reminisce together. It's likely that she will remember more from long ago and this exercise may sometimes trigger her to recall more recent items as well.
Seek Medical Help: If your loved one's inability to recognize or remember others is making her (NOT you) feel anxious and frequently distressed, if her paranoia is affecting her eating or sleeping, or if she is fearful of you to the point of becoming dangerous to herself or others around her, call her physician. There may be appropriate medications or other treatments that can address the cause of these behaviors and decrease her distress. While a physician won't be able to reverse her dementia, medical treatment can improve the quality of life for both of you.
Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
The responses to your post actually brought a smile to my face. The comments of Grannie, Taarna, WearyJean, et al, not only helps put your situation in perspective (meaning it's a common behavior), but reinforces my belief that roses can grow among the thorns.
I'm fortunate now to have resumed my dementia support groups and in every one, the personal stories cited below would have brought laughter to the group.
You can play music that the person use to like. You can go thru picture albums. Depending on dementia. My 97 yr old Dad can remember things from long ago but has short term memory and a few minutes after I leave his house, he won't remember I visited.
You just have to realize they're doing the best they can and if they don't remember you, they'll remember your kindness and you can start making new memories with them.
Im always happy that my Dad recognizes me even though he may forget my name.
I just make the visit about him so he is happy for the time I'm around even if I know he'll forget that I was there.
Live for the moment.
Be glad they can still eat and drink and whatever else they can do.
Prayers
Often my Husband would start following someone in the store and I would ask where he was going and he would say he was looking for his wife. I would ask him if it would be OK if I walked with him until we found her. I would walk with him and we would walk out and he would head to the car and get in when unlocked the door and helped him in. No more "looking for his wife"
I often kidded that when he was following a younger woman with long dark hair in his mind that was me in my 20's, when he was following someone heavier set, with shorter hair that was me in my 50's. When I got my hair cut real short and stopped coloring it I was afraid he would start following gray haired old men!
Just go with the reality they are in at the moment.
If you are out and your spouse does not want to get into the car because they do not recognize you tell them to get in and you will drive around the block looking.
In general they will look at you as a "safe" person and getting them to get into the car should not be a problem.
There will come a time when going out will be more of a safety issue than them not recognizing you. At home it is easy to deal with. Sometimes just leaving the room and coming back in will trigger recognition. BUT At some point the recognition will be gone and you will be a "safe person" that they can trust to care for them. The brain my not recognize but the heart will.
Everyone around the person with dementia needs to change their perspective. It's so sad when they no longer recognize their LOs and very hurtful, but it is the disease and not the person. Don't correct them; don't argue with them; don't try and make them see what their brain can no longer conceive.
Stay as calm as you can - it's hard because frustration is hard to avoid. Learn techniques of the noncommittal answer; moving to other subjects; occasionally visiting their world.
If the situation become too difficult placement in a facility may be necessary - don't leave it till the last moment when you're desperate; take the time now to get all your ducks lined up - financials and what not and look at resources available.
Best of luck to all of you.
At any rate, he tells me everyday that his glad I'm there and he thanks me for taking care of him.
I have accepted his reality and I'm okay with it.
You have handled this very well and are very wise! Hopefully others will take something positive away from your comment.
when parts are gone...they are gone.
My Mom currently is in the process of forgetting who I am.
some times she remembers other times she doesn't. But, I'm the nice
lady who takes care of her and she is safe.
heartbreaking but think of how terrifying it is for them.
Will it be hard for you? Of course. It's heartbreaking when a spouse doesn't always know who you are. You cannot take it personally. Your spouses brain in broken and it will never get better.
The best thing you can now do is to educate yourself on Alzheimer's/dementia, so you can better understand what your spouse is going through. Teepa Snow has some great videos on YouTube, and the book The 36 Hour Day is a great resource as well.
I will also recommend finding a caregiver support group in your area as well, as that was a life saver for me when I was caring for my husband. You can Google to see if there are any in your area. Most are still meeting on Zoom right now, but hopefully in the near future, groups will once again be meeting in person.
I wish you the very best as you travel this journey with your spouse.
https://www.alz.org/help-support/caregiving/stages-behaviors/memory-loss-confusion
Here is another article with useful tips to help you 'jog' your spouse's memory:
https://www.dementiauk.org/get-support/understanding-changes-in-behaviour/things-to-try-when-someone-with-dementia-stops-recognising-you/
Tips on Coping
Acknowledge the Loss: As with other grieving processes, it's okay, and often necessary, to let yourself grieve this decline in your loved one. You don't have to be stoic, even if you've read up on what to expect and you know the change is coming.
Remind Him: If you sense he doesn't recall your name or who you are, simply remind him once by saying, "We haven't seen each other in a while. I'm your nephew Sam."
Give Credit Where Credit Is Due: Remind yourself that this is due to the disease process and not a choice by your loved one. It's the Alzheimer's disease, vascular dementia, Lewy body dementia, or other types of dementia that should take the credit/responsibility for the loss of ability in your loved one. When he remembers your sister's name and not yours, try not to take it personally, even if it hurts your feelings. Blame the disease.
Respond Gently: When your loved one doesn't remember you, your goal is to decrease his anxiety or worries, not increase them by pointing out that you've been married to him for 50 years and asking why he doesn't love you anymore. Instead, you can try to change the subject or sing a favorite song with him.
Validation Therapy: If your wife continually refers to you as her father, ask her to tell you about her dad, what she misses about him, what he looked like, what he did as a job, and what she loved about him. Give her the opportunity to share her memories of him, rather than try to force the issue and make her identify and remember you.
Photos and Videos: Show your loved one older pictures of family and friends to reminisce together. It's likely that she will remember more from long ago and this exercise may sometimes trigger her to recall more recent items as well.
Seek Medical Help: If your loved one's inability to recognize or remember others is making her (NOT you) feel anxious and frequently distressed, if her paranoia is affecting her eating or sleeping, or if she is fearful of you to the point of becoming dangerous to herself or others around her, call her physician. There may be appropriate medications or other treatments that can address the cause of these behaviors and decrease her distress. While a physician won't be able to reverse her dementia, medical treatment can improve the quality of life for both of you.
Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation.