My parents are 90 & 91, and just moved into AL after mom had a mild stroke. dad (91) does everything for her, and his health is failing. He is just exhausted. I live close by and go nearly every day to check in on them and try to lift their spirits. They are both pleading for me (and my husband) to take them into our home, so I can help dad with caregiving duties. They have full time assistance at a beautiful facility, and they won’t use it, other than help with Moms showers. Mom has dementia and won’t let dad leave her side for more than an hour. If he goes to store or church, she calls him several times.
I understand where they are at this stage in life is not “pleasant”, but SHE is exactly where she needs to be, and if they want to be together, dad needs to surrender. He is not. I am caught in the middle and can’t seem to come up with a solution that fits for both/all. Please let me know if you have any insight or suggestions. God bless us all on this forum 🙏🏻
I have a similar issue with my dad who is by himself. I was visiting too regularly, and he is mobile "enough" that he was only taking help from staff for bathing help, and for getting the meals in the dining room.
If he had an incontinence accident, he was spending hours trying to clean it up himself! He did not want to call for help, for no clear reason (probably to stubbornly show himself and me that he is independent and he "will" be able to go back home?" Eventually incontinence accidents increased. He was calling me at work saying " I have had an accident and dont know what to do, can you please stop in even for a short while". I had to sternly tell him at this point that he has to STOP trying to clean up himself and must call the call button when this happens, or anything else that needs help. And I will NOT come in for that, and even when I visit I refuse to clean anything up at all. Then this started to help, he actually started to call for help! IN addition, I have told him repeatedly and now he realizes, that he is not going home. .So there is no need to "prove" his independence any more
For you, you have double this issue going on. Your dad is used to caring for your Mom. So she probably looks to him first and foremost for help. So he wants to help and feels bad if he doesnt. But sounds like its too hard for him now. So now, both your Mom and Dad are looking to you as the next line of help. They are used to you going every day . You are feeling bad for dropping back as they are used to this. They are only taking help for showers it seems. However, you are paying money for a lot more help than just that! They should start taking more and more help from the staff for your own good and your dads!
Are they sharing a room? Many people here have posted that they have both their parents in an AL but in different rooms. Perhaps different rooms may be better if you can do that? That way, your mom will be less inclined to look for your dad for help with each and every thing? They can still meet up for activiities , during quiet time, and meals, but for bathing, getting ready for bed, could have seperate help?
“Perhaps” is saying “I might, but probably won’t.”
You’re afraid to stop going daily and you will feel bad about it. And no one likes to feel bad.
Look at it like this: Going every day is not helping them. It’s sabotaging them. It prevents them from acclimating and enjoying their new home. As others here said, it’s giving your parents the false hope that they can live with you.
They’re not “suffering”. They’re in a nice place where they get the help they need. YOU are suffering because your parents are elderly and have the problems that can go along with aging. They won’t stop “suffering” if they move in with you.
It makes YOU feel better to visit daily. It makes THEM feel worse.
Second your father does not get to blow up your life because he refuses to compromise and let the 'hired help' do what they are being paid to do.
Take a break...either go on a 2 week vacation and let them settle or drop your visits to just twice a week.
The solution is not yours to figure out, it is theirs, their life their decisions. They already have full time assistance, as for the phone, he should not answer when he is out and about, there are people in the facility 24/7, no need to answer her calls, if it is important the facility will call him.
Best Wishes, not easy I know.
“Perhaps” is saying “I might, but probably won’t.”
You’re afraid to stop going daily and you will feel bad about it. And no one likes to feel bad.
Look at it like this: Going every day is not helping them. It’s sabotaging them. It prevents them from acclimating and enjoying their new home. As others here said, it’s giving your parents the false hope that they can live with you.
They’re not “suffering”. They’re in a nice place where they get the help they need. YOU are suffering because your parents are elderly and have the problems that can go along with aging. They won’t stop “suffering” if they move in with you.
It makes YOU feel better to visit daily. It makes THEM feel worse.
It would be a disaster for everyone if you take them into your home. You are unable to provide the level of care that they need now, and you need to keep repeating that. (Not that they will understand, you can't argue with folks who are so shortsighted and lacking in empathy for you, which is the case.)
You need to tell them firmly that they are where they need to be. Also keep telling them that they need to use the services offered.
Dad should turn off his phone when he's out. You could stop going every day and let them enjoy their facility. Going there every day enables them to think you're a solution to their problems, but you are not. The facility is.
It's never easy, but you can insert space between them and yourself. It would actually be a favor to them. Good luck!
It is difficult to stand witness to all this, but you didn't cause it and for sure you cannot fix it. To try to do so would no make them or you happy, though now they may imagine it to be otherwise. In a war of the heart versus the intelligence it is a fact that the intelligence absolutely must win out.
Some things cannot be fixed. The fact that we live too long and go through this torture is one of those things.Sadly it breaks our own hearts and the hearts of our families. I am so very sorry. I believe that you know you cannot do this and that you should not try.
Your parents have lived a very long time. This is not the first time they have been unhappy. And this is worth grieving. It may be, however, the first time that you felt responsible to make them happy. Would that you were a Good Fairy endowed with a magical wand. Short of that, this is not a happy situation, nor will it be so until they have the peace of final rest.
Take a week vacation and let them take advantage of the help they have
Dad deserves a life of his own w/o waiting on mom hand and foot, which he'd have in AL IF mom were in Memory Care. If they want to be together, then dad has to put his foot down and insist she use the AL caregivers instead of him. But with dementia at play, mom can become very obstinate and argumentative, demanding to have her way. Thats the horrible part of dementia.
Dad should turn his phone off when he goes out and hire a companion for mom to keep her occupied if they want to stay living together in AL. Yes it's expensive, but cheaper than her going into Memory Care while he stays in AL.
Please don’t consider doing the hands on care for your mom and dad. You have enough in your life to deal with.
It’s hard to see our parents unhappy but you have to do what you know to be best for them.
You’re doing an excellent job of being an advocate for your parents. That’s all your parents should expect you to do.
Wishing you peace as you continue on your caregiving journey.