My husband and I took my mother in after a stroke and broken hip. She owned nothing and was living on her Social Security after my father passed away 6 months earlier. At first, we used her money to pay her bills and for medical expenses, but leftover money was hers. It wasn't much, maybe $400 or so. Then,after 3 months or so after her debt was cleared up, due to my inability to work full time, we started charging for "rent" which was about half of her income, plus a phone line and storage for her "stuff" which we had no room for in our home. She takes care of nothing for herself except getting dressed and keeping her bedroom in order, and using the bathroom. She is ambulatory with a walker. She needs someone around full time, but I can scoot out to the store now and again. I keep a video on and audio monitors throughout the house. I work for my own construction company but spend more time on my mother, so I have not been pulling a paycheck for about a year now. I help with the business as much as possible because it is a family business.
It has been difficult with my mother and my workload around the house is seriously increased because she is sloppy and dismisses the need for being careful or considerate. This means spills, broken dishes, lost items, etc.
I had been keeping track of a lot of expenses and was trying to just put her on a monthly allowance of $300 which would be for things she might want to get, whatever it might be. I want to keep the rest for her final expenses and to compensate us for the loss of privacy and upkeep, eating out, extra food, etc. I tire of writing this stuff down and trying to be honest about it, but the reality is that it would be much more expensive to go to assisted living for her (which she could not afford) and a nursing home would give her $100 and take the rest. I fee like her care is better with us, but I think that she thinks that we are "stealing" her money. I have 4 brothers and sisters, of which 1 keeps in touch but I get no help whatsoever with anything other than from my husband and adult children.
I guess I wonder what others do with parents who move in with just social security. I still cover everything she needs, winter coats, glasses, co-pays etc. She wants for nothing. I just dont want to have to make a listing of everything which adds one more thing that I have to do over and above the stuff I already do. I have her Power of Attorney, but not sure if I should have something else in writing too.
I am putting this under "Caregiver Burnout" because that is kind of what it is. Not only does does my mother take most of my personal time, dismisses my directives for careful behavior, does nothing to help herself or others, but I feel guilting taking the money that really should be going to her caretakers, my husband and I.
Is your mother competent? If so, you can draw up a financial plan for her which - if your state laws allow - could include payment for your care of her, and gain her agreement to that. If she isn't, seek advice on how else you might go about 'contracting' yourself as her caregiver; but I think you might have quite a job on your hands there.
Being in a broadly similar financial position to yourself - I was self-employed but any idea of working has become a sick joke - I appreciate the costs. But I tell myself 'well, you should have thought of that before' and I'm afraid the same applies to you. If you are becoming burned out, then at least consider moving her into residential care and resuming your life. I also know how teeth-grittingly frustrating it is when you add up what ALF costs are, compare them with what at-home costs are, and conclude that she would be paying twice as much for half the care; but the fact is that you're not a nursing home, you're a family member, and the law assumes that we do it for love. Personally I'm beginning to run a bit low on that commodity, and I have to eat, and I should be trying to amass a pension fund - but I can't claim anybody ever told me this situation would be fair.
And document everything. Keep comprehensive accounts for her. Every cent of her money that you as her POA spend on her behalf must be directly for her benefit, and at some point you may well have to show that you have complied with that.
If, for some reason, you find it necessary to seek guardianship, these records will be invaluable proving how you've been acting as guardian for quite some time already and showing your competence in doing so.
This will also become necessary should you become a represenative payee for your mom's social security check. They will require an annual report of where the money went.
Thanks for doing a good job by your mom. It's hard. But you're doing the right thing and for the right reasons.
Second, let mom build up some funds for her final expenses.
Third and very importantly, lay it all on the table with family and set a firm date for mom to move to assisted living. Find out what ALF's near you cost and what kind of financial assistance is available. VA? Medicaid Waiver? Split the extra cost five ways? Anyone who misses the meeting better not complain later. OH and Countrymouse is right, a POA cannot pay themselves, it is a conflict of interest and can get really ugly from a legal standpoint. Medicaid considers the money a gift and thus denies benefits to mom.
What I will say is that even as POA, the Social Security Office will not discuss your mom's social security case, funds, or issues with you, unless you get it approved in writing in advance. For example, if anything should arise and she not receive her funds, they won't discuss it with you. Or if you have a question about her social security, they will not discuss it will you even as her POA. I would make sure that is taken care of in writing. I think there is a form from the SS office on their website that your mom can sign.
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