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I am the primary caregiver to my MIL (84). She was invited to a wedding (my husband's god daughter) but we weren't invited. The last time there was a wedding (my husband's niece) I got MIL ready, bought the dress, tailored the dress,got her dressed, hair and all ( I was concerned about her in pictures) This wedding we went to, but we were outcast and SIL took all the credit for MIL's appearance. It's been six years since that wedding and the family ties have not gotten better (actually worse). The dilemma is, MIL flooded her home so she is staying with us and the home is not safe to use. The relatives originally were going to take over the caregiving for that weekend and stay in her home, but now are not sure what to do. I said that we made plans and they are welcome to MIL but they are not welcome at our home, especially if we are not there. You see, regardless we are still taking that weekend, I have a very trust worthy caregiver available. SIL point blank said so MIL can't go to the wedding if the home isn't ready. I again explained that they were welcome to pick her up before we leave and bring her back when we get home, but if they can't make that happen then I guess, no she can't go. SIL explain that she would remain hopeful the home will be completed by the wedding (it won't) and she will wait till the last minute to book a hotel. Now I am also the person supervising the completion of the home, SIL knows that. I don't know what to do....What this all translates down to and how SIL will explain it is....MIL can't go to the wedding cause I won't let her.

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Your profile says that MIL has dementia. Unless she is at the VERY early stages of this disease, it may not be the best idea to move her to hotels rooms and out of her environment. It seems to me that (knowing your MIL's condition) it is the inviter's responsibility to make arrangements. Has your MIL talked about this event? Does she even know it is coming up?
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Congrats, at first I thought "what problem does this person have" until the end. I think ur handling everything very well. I would make sure someone else is aware of your plans. Not much you r going to do about SIL.
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Ahhhh, I had the same problem with siblings painting things in a very ugly light when talking to Dad on the phone when he lived with me. It got very ugly a few times, & poor Dad would ask me to give in (i.e., get things out of his house & take them to them) & even questioned me over & over about his money bc of their accusations, to the point of demanding to see his bank statements. Then he would sit in his chair for an hour looking at something that made no sense to him. Some of it still goes on, but at least it's not in my home now since he's in Memory Care. I'm sorry you're going thru this.
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Thank you for your comments. There has been no developments. I can't image how to prepare for that day. What do I tell the caregiver if they come to my home anyway and demand to take/see their mother? What will she wear? How will they get her around? The wheel chair is buried somewhere in the POD the contractors are using.
These people are very cruel and abusive to me/us with their threats and accusations. It's their MO to be sweet to your face and stab you in the back. I have caught them in some pretty big lies. I don't put anything past them. They have a handicapped son, and in my opinion, it is a miracle he has lived as long as he has considering the horrendous treatment he endures. They have been in court numerous times defending the right to keep him home. Their abuse of me/us is probably some kind of projection from their own misgivings. I hope they have MIL's safety and comfort in the forefront rather then their distain for us. Oh one important fact, MIL doesn't want to go to the wedding. Initially, I talked her into it. She hasn't wanted to go this whole time. The relatives are insisting I talked her out of it. She has dementia, loss of hearing , not able to talk to get her thoughts across, trouble toileting and trouble walking. I think it would be great for the family to see her, but can't they just visit rather then expect her to deal with all that stimulus at one time. SHE doesn't want to go.
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Talkey,
Thank you. Yes money is the root of all the bullsh*t. It would make more sense to me if it was loads of money...but there is just barley enough for her care. How did you get through getting him into a facility?....I can't get MIL in a car without the fear in her eyes she is going to be dropped off some where. It's exhausting. On the way to the doctor she rings her hands together. "Where are we going? Isn't this far? This isn't the way to the doctor. When will we get home?" I stopped at the post office and she screamed "You can't leave me here". Exhausting, I tell you.
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MIL does not want to go that is the bottom line. Convey that to SIL. Maybe even get a note from MIL's Dr saying she should not go because of her dementia. Do you or your hubby have POA by the way.
Tell the caregiver to keep all the doors locked so if they show up she can tell them you instructed her not to let them in and slip a copy of the Dr's not under the door, plus a copy of your instructions to the caregiver. If they start to make a scene or try to break in call the police immediately. They have no right to be on your property.

I don't know what your solution to the long term care of MIL can be but clearly professionals need to be involved . look at some of the facilities in your area and visit the one of your choice and have tour and if possible a meal. If you can get MIL to go with you to a second meal that would be good.
This is going to be extremely difficult for MIL and the family and maybe medications may be needed in the short term. If you succeed in getting her into a facility be prepared for them to ask you not to visit for the first few weeks while she gets used to her new environment.

Or you can just go on the way you have been till you are totally burned out.
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Ugh, I need someone on our side.:(
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Veronica91,
LOL, Yes, burnt out is past tense for us. Her staying with us is temporary till the house is back in order and the aids get into rotation. This is definitely not an ideal situation for her. I had the talk with her about her situation and finally after 6 very long years she is agreeing to let people in the house. Hope is looming, it's just this flood happened. It's never convenient for bad things to happen. I hope the house is done in time so all this is mute, but it's just like them to expect me to solve all the problems then criticize the outcome.
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Wow, Lovestinks, I have felt so alone dealing with crazy in denial relatives. There also is a family wedding approaching for us. In DC. We live in Wisconsin. My mom is in Memory Care. I just stuck to a mantra that 'my mom should not go to the wedding.' I sounded like a broken record. In the past three months I've been accused of being too negative, a bad sister, not helpful, selfish, and the clincher was being accused of being a bully. All because I made my mom's well being the priority. Do I feel I bad that my mom can't go to the wedding? Yes. Does she care? No. Most days she thinks it already happened. Being an advocate for my mom is not rewarding -- only exhausting and demoralizing when the person your pushing back against is a family member.
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Madzeena, all I can say is that you are the only one who takes care of Mom or really cares what her condition really is like. They just don't know and don't care what the dementia process is like and can't be bothered to find out.

Check Mom out of MC, find a cab that can accommodate a WC or wrangle her into your car "Where are we going? You are hurting me. Who is this man am I being kidnapped? I haven't had my breakfast." Get to the air port find a parking space, wrangle Mom into her wheel chair, push her across the road to the terminal. " Why are we here one of these cars will hit us . Why do they drive so fast?" Find your check in point and stand in line for that. 

Mom drops her purse and all sorts of interesting things roll out onto the floor. People offer to help. " No sir don't touch THAT I"ll get it." get up to the window and hand over your luggage. Mom screams "That girl took my bag and threw it in the garbage"

Oh I forgot the security line, can't remember which comes first as I haven't flown in ten years.

Long line for that of course but finally it's your turn. You try and push Mom through the security gate and all the bells and whistles go off. Step aside Ma'm I will take the lady "And pushes Mom aside. tells Mom to stand up. "She can't" you yell. 'We have to do a personal search she says and you follow her into a side room where she tries to question Mom without success. Mom looks around and decides she does not like the room, she wants her old one back. the official tells Mom to lift her skirt. "Zeena, Zeena" she yells " they are going to rape me they want to see my privates" "What is in that bag" the official asks. "Urine" you reply as politely as you can manage. "Well you will have to empty it You can only take three ounces of liquid onto the plane and the bag says 12 ounces. go to the rest room and come back here"

Off you go and complete the task and back to the room, but by then another victim had been selected and you get back in line and place your purses on the conveyer belt and hold your breath. The official opens Moms bag takes one sniff and snaps it shut!

Now onto the plane but i won't go on to discribe that circus because I have already lost most of my readers.
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Yes!! Exhausting isn't it? Who are we/they doing it for? So much easier to dress her up take some pictures and photo shop them in to the wedding shoots. Sounds cruel? What Veronica91 described is cruel.
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Lovestinks, you have a crummy set of relatives. :) You knew that. But seriously, if they have a disabled son, they know the ins and outs of getting money out of the government through SSI, disability, etc. With your mom in their possession, they could go to a bad lawyer and get mom to sign a POA to them, so you have no say whatsoever and could potentially never have her back. You'd have to sue to prove she was incompetent when she signed the document. Not cool.

With this knowledge, don't let them in and I would not trust a caregiver not to let them with lots of guilt application. In fact, if you have not taken mom to get a POA naming yourself, do that this week, and go by her bank and get put on her bank accounts - all of them - while you have her out. Banks use a different form that has to be done in the bank. It's a horrible run around, but a huge amount of protection for her to have a trustworthy daughter on them. Does she have an existing POA? Does it name you or sister? If it has sister's name on it anywhere, even as a backup POA in case you can't fulfill your duties, I'd get mom to sign a new POA naming you as primary POA, and as backup, your husband or adult child who has sense about Auntie. POAs can be changed up until the person is incompetent, which is a pretty high standard. Rent a wheelchair to get mom to the atty. Seriously, with the stuff that I read about bad, non caretaker people, I would not put it past relatives who are pushy like this.

Rereading your note about what happened last time there was a wedding, I think they are *playing* you for free housing. Really, this is a God-child and you and your hubby are not invited? Mom can't come unless she puts them up in a room? Phoo. Tell them that mom has changed her mind, that she does not want to go, that no, the house is not available, and  no, they will not be able to visit that day as you now have medical appointments (medical expenses include fees for any of the activities of daily living for someone who can't do them on their own, according to the IRS rules. Thus, an appt to change mother's diaper counts as a medical appt. A stretch of logic, but for these people, fine). Lock the doors and don't let them in.
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Hi Surprise, Thank you, yes I have POA and her son (my husband) is her back up. Your insight gave merit to my line of logic, thank you. Already had to take down Chase for letting them put their name joint on her account. She wouldn't sign the paper cause I wasn't there and my name is on her account as POA. The bank simply complied with their wishes and wrote on the forms MIL and I was supposed to sign "signature on file". Unbelievable, I go to the bank with all the bells and whistles and I'm treated like a criminal. They go with picture ID and a handicapped child and the bank hands them the keys. They are diabolical.
The contractor said it would be a miracle if the house was done by the 15th. So they have nowhere to stay...this is going to be interesting.
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Lovestinks, keep in touch with AC and we'll walk you through the tough times with the relatives, as much as we can. If you were planning a respite trip, I think you should rethink it. Actually being out of town with Mom would be fine but very hard on mom. She needs to be with you, all the time. No turning her over bodily.
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Okay, so the contractor said he will not be done till the 15th...the wedding is the 9th.
I conveyed this to SIL and she is still trying to stay in the house (the construction zone). I sent a retraction to the previously accepted RSVP explaining that the flood has caused MIL's confusion to get the best of her and would not be able to attend the wedding.
SIL is making me feel guilty and trying to get me to reconsider my decision. I explained it's her decision that I agree with. The hump we can't get over is me not allowing them to pick her up (even for a few minutes) while we are not home and she is under the care of the aid. I explained that I can't ask the aid to let MIL leave my home with people she doesn't know. It would be different if I could introduce them first, but that is not the case. Like an idiot I ended the conversation with I would see if I could arrange my plans to help facilitate the grandchild meeting MIL. Because after all,
"What about the grandchildren? They won't understand"....(guilt) Bullocks
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What about... respite care at a memory care over the weekend while you are gone? If she is checked in, you can be very specific about who can and cannot take her out. You can even tell them they can't tell anyone that she is there. But what is better, is if you don't even tell the rest of the family that you changed plans and have put her at a facility short term. Then when Sis comes to bully the aid into letting her in, the aid won't even be there to answer the door.

Sis knows she was rude not to invite you and the God father, so she's attempting to turn this on you making it your problem. Not your circus, not your monkeys, as they say. Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend is a great book!
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Respite wouldn't take her. I tried very subtly.
Will try the book ...I love your input. Thank you
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Try another respite they usually have many minimum stays of a week or two. With the flood her insurance may even pay for it. Then enjoy your weekend plus some. You deserve the break. Then other relatives would be able to visit her there.
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Our memory care requires a recent tb test, which takes several days to conduct. You can get this from your health Dept, docs office (w/out a full visit) or a practice in a drug store. That might be handy to have done this weekend/Monday in case you can find some respite care to take her, even at your getaway destination. I don't trust the aide not to be sweet for family and open up for the evil relatives to take advantage.

Our memory care allows weekend stays. An old friend of mine had her mom there every weekend for awhile. Because friend did not allow release of Mama's name to anyone, I was not sure if that were Mrs. Wanda or not, and Mrs. W couldn't answer. It was not until I saw my friend much later that we discovered we used that MC at the same time!
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So it's been a month. We ended up adjusting our plans so the relatives could pick her up and spend time with her. Unfortunately, it was only an hour or so. They push to get more but I stood firm and finally had our anniversary weekend together. It was wonderful. The house is still not completed. She is still living with us. I have been slowly trying to acclimate her back to her home, with much resistance. I'm working around my schedule and the contractor's schedule. It's murder. Off to do payroll....thank you everyone for your support. I don't have anyone to talk to cause my best friend is her son. Talking with him is hurting him so much, he is not doing well with his mother's decline.
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The house is still not completed. It's been 2 months since the contractor tried to finish anything or asked for final payment. This is ridiculous.
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Did the contractor ask for final payment but was not done? He may be about to turn you in to collections. I'd call your closest big city tv dude who does consumer affairs. If you don't have one, look up Clark Howard who has a huge staff who might be able to help.
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If they are not finished and asking for final payment contact your state registar of contractors. Construction fraud is a jailable offense and if they told you complete on (date) and just kinda disappeared without completing you can file a complaint against there license. I hope you had all of the valuables where the crew had no access, we found out that the floor guy was making himself quite at home going through all of our stuff that was stored in the garage because of flooding. Ugh, it sucks to have to deal with all of this crap.

I hope you get it all sorted out and on an even keel soon.
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If she doesn't want to go to the wedding stick with her in her decision. I am so sick of ugly members of my family. Don't take it from them. I think you are to kind to tell them they could pick up your Mother. Do not give them that option.
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I'm going to have another contractor give me an estimate for finishing the work. Depending on the estimate I will know if I owe them or if they owe me. They haven't asked for the final payment. The last contact I had with them I demanded to know when they were going to finish and to explain that they nailed the access door to the boiler closed so I had to rip apart some of what they did, and I'm afraid of what other poor craftsmanship I would find. Haven't heard from them since.
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