I’m caregiver for my 98 yr old mother. She insists on living alone and actually does well. She is home bound and uses a walker but otherwise is sound. She has been a narcissist my entire life. She has said many things to me that have cut me to the core, I’ve cried buckets and buckets of tears. I endure and continue to be her support. She is totally dependent on me. I was recently in the hospital for 5 days due to heart issue (which I didn’t even know I had). Both my doctors said they pretty much knew my problem was stress from dealing with my mom. The day I came home from the hospital she resumed her “I need you to do this, I need you to go there”. When I told her I needed to take it slow her response was a smirk and it went right over her head. We had an argument a week ago and I told her I’ve always believed she never wanted me, that I was an inconvenience to her. Her response was “I don’t know why you feel that way”. No ‘of course that’s not true, or I do love you’. And she changed the subject back to her! She’s never shown any love or concern for me.
I’ve always been the dutiful daughter doing everything I can for her because I knew it was the right thing to do and because I love her.
At this point you’d think I’d know better, but the vile insults keep coming. She’s even accused me of stealing from her which couldn’t be further from the truth. And when she gets upset she tells her neighbors terrible untrue things about me. When I go her place I feel like I’m taking the walk of shame if one of her neighbors is out.
I know I shouldn’t put up with her terrible actions and spiteful words but I’m a people pleaser and I keep going back.
so glad I found this forum-at least I’m alone.
Thanks for listening.
All the best to you.
The 'right thing to do' now is to take care of YOURSELF unless you want to be among the statistics of caregivers who die BEFORE the elder they're caring for. Your heart issue was your warning......your wake up call to start looking after YOURSELF now.
It sounds like your mother suffers from dementia, which is probably true, considering she's 98 and accusing you of 'stealing from her' and then telling the neighbors nasty lies about you. Those are hallmark behaviors of dementia. And, a narcissistic person with dementia = one ugly situation. I know, b/c my own mother will be 94 in January and has both! Lucky me. Oh, plus, I'm also an only child. Lucky me on that too, huh?
I placed both of my parents in Assisted Living back in 2014 when dad fell & broke his hip & the rehab SNF would not release him back to Independent Living, even with my mother looking after him. Which is a joke, b/c the only person mother looks after is MOTHER. So I had to rush around like mad to find a AL that would accept him, in his condition at the time, along with my mother who was 88 and only starting down the dementia highway. Dad passed in 2015 and my mother is still in AL, but now in the Memory Care section. Tells me every day how I 'put' her there for no good reason, there's nothing wrong with her at ALL, which would be funny if it wasn't so sad & such a lie. ANOTHER lie, to add to the other 89% of lies she compulsively tells.
Anyway, I do the minimum I can for my mother, which still adds up to a TON. It's never enough, of course, and I'm the daughter she got stuck with b/c she couldn't have 'children of her own' thanks to my father's 'shortcomings'......so what's the point in me (or you) jumping through fiery hoops for a person who isn't going to appreciate any of our efforts ANYWAY? I realized that years ago and I hope YOU will too.
Your mother can hire caregivers to help her out. She can order groceries online or you can order them for her to be delivered. You can set up automatic deliveries of necessities from Amazon. You can and MUST set down BOUNDARIES with her immediately. Such as Mother, I will come over on Tuesdays from 1-3 pm (or whatever) and do XYZ for you. Anything else you need will have to wait until the following Tuesday. I will speak to you on the phone ONCE a day at 5 pm (or whatever) and as soon as things get ugly, I'll have to hang up and speak to you the next day when hopefully you are in a better mood. These are the New Rules that we will be following according to MY DOCTOR'S ORDERS on how I need to take care OF ME NOW.
Setting down firm, strong, unchangeable boundaries with women like this is a necessity! Otherwise, you lose. Oh, you lose ANYWAY, but you lose MORE w/o boundaries. A lot more. So take my advice and set up the New Rules now. For YOUR sake. Your mother has gotten away with bloody murder now for 98 years. Enough is enough. Trouble with these women is..........nobody has ever told them to Sit Down & Shut Up. Setting down new rules is doing precisely THAT w/o being rude about it. Don't change ANY of the rules at ANY time, either, b/c she'll be waiting for you to do that......so she can slither her way back IN! That's why you need to be very adamant about following your new rules with a narcissistic mother! IMPERATIVE!!!
Wishing you the very best of luck taking care of YOUR health now & agreeing to enjoy YOUR life. You've done enough for your mother. ALLOW yourself to get off the hook now.
Personality disorders are not as rare as the medical establishment claims. I hear about it on all kinds of forums that have nothing to do with parents. I would never hear about it from others if it was rare. It has to be exposed that mom or dad has a personality disorder. It lifts the shame a lot of families suffer in silence. The only reason it got known was in the 1970s when those on welfare who had it were forcibly taken to the mental ward. The middle class kept nutty mom home and placated.
Anyway, hope mom adjusts as best as she can and your burden will be eased. Best of luck!!
I have a mom with borderline personality disorder. She has cared about how her mothering skills look to others in the world. She cares only about her needs and wants being met within our family. That comprises of her and my brother being superior in every way to me & my dad. She screams, lies, & manipulates me when reality (often) hits her in the face. I believe she understood you when you told her you needed to slow down for your health. She didn’t care, unfortunately, like a normal person would.
I am sorry this has been your lifelong situation and you have had your health compromised due to her oddball behavior. I wish I had the magic answer. I used to fight back as a kid. No was my most used word to her. It helped get me through but still had a rotten childhood.
I would suggest accepting her no good behavior as is. It’s out of your control. Think of the things under your control. In what ways does she depend on you? Is it for errands as she can’t drive? Making doctor appointments? Do things for her from a distance and hands off as much as possible.
Love her and yourself equally. Your life may be out of whack if you put her on a pedestal as the god of your life.
Please take it easy and take care of your health!
hug!! i think your answer is so right.
and i like this a lot:
“Love her and yourself equally. Your life may be out of whack if you put her on a pedestal as the god of your life.”
i take note of many important sentences all of you write, so i remind myself of all these wise words. :)
No, it does not.
Stop being your mother's caregiver. Find her some homecare help who will run her errands, take care of her housekeeping, and help with her personal care needs. You do not have to be the one doing this at the risk of your own health and well being.
If she speaks poorly of you to her neighbors, let her. Why should that bother you? Let me tell you something. Most people when they hear an elder complaining about their kids who don't help them and how bad they are can tell if it's true or just grandma trying to get attention and cause trouble for her family. Most people can tell the difference. Please stop being her caregiver. You don't deserve how you're being treated by her.
hug!!
i agree, abuse is not ok!!
over here, my case, it’s daily.
i said in some other posts, maybe one can try super-human effort not to be affected. i also said, the reality is that abuse does damage us.
—also we must not get used to being abused, used to being spoken badly to, blamed, screamed at. it gets to the point that you’re no longer surprised/shocked. that’s actually not good.
i do believe many people are right: there is no solution, the only way out, is low contact/no contact.
i don’t want the abuse to destroy us.
the abusers want to destroy us, and put the blame on us.
in my case, the abuser does not treat others like that. i’m the target. others are treated kindly, and with a smile.
low contact/no contact, is the only way. in my case, i won’t stop contact totally.
i wish us strength, courage!!
hug!!
bundleofjoy
My mom is also a narcissist. She has dementia, but is still high functioning. She is married to her second husband. I do what I can from a distance. I have learned the hard way as she can go off on me in a heartbeat. I am still under a doctor’s care regarding high stress from caring for my dad. My doctor told me to not get involved with my mother’s issues... only from a distance if absolutely necessary. I now realize my mom was all about how she looked as a mother. Also, I am her only child. The thing about narcissistic parents is they always have a golden child... currently it is her stepson (and his wife). Actually, that’s fine with me. I’m sending you a warm hug and prayers. I don’t have any answers, but I understand your situation.
:)
hi!! thank you very much for your message!! :)
“she can go off on me in a heartbeat”
sounds exactly like my situation.
“they always have a golden child”
i see...
and often it’s the opposite gender (a mother will be nice to her son/step-son...).
we would be treated very differently/nicely, if we were sons. some mothers are simply jealous of their daughters: they might scream and say it’s due to another (fake) reason (especially a reason that blames you), but verrry likely the mother is —— jealous. they see it as female against female. war.
thanks so much for your warm hug and prayers!! i’m sending you the same, especially due to your high stress with your dad.
answers...
me too, i really don’t see the way out with narcissists: just low/or no contact.
there are many narcs in the world. the tricky thing is, when they’re family.
it’s a new year, with lots of hope! let’s make this a beautiful year for us. 2021.
let’s find solutions that protect our happiness and lives. we can’t let them “win”. let’s succeed in our lives. show them we succeed.
hug!!
bundle of joy
you wrote:
I’ve been “protecting” her all my life. Now I realise it’s actually the rest of us who need protecting!
—i never thought of it that way. you’re totally right! and henceforth i’m protecting myself from the one i protected.