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Last Saturday my dad passed on hospice with an intestinal blockage (that has now occurred twice).. and the Dr's did not recommend surgery for him because of his age, dementia, and other co morbidities.. All siblings had a conference call and agreed that if the blockage didn't clear on its own (like it did last time).. that we would go for hospice and comfort care.


This is the text I just recieved from her.


"On what planet or altered reality was what happened to daddy ok? I’ll never forgive you. I hope you die the same death so you can see what he went through."


I believe she is unstable, uninformed, and I am sure I (as medical power of attorney) did the right thing... I followed advice of the doctors..and we all previously agreed. It was hard to watch him die like that...but she is wanting to put it all on me.. and it is so hurtful.

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It doesn't matter if she is unstable or not - unless your Dad's passing has made her own health deteriorate in which case I do hope she gets the help she needs. She is grieving as are you, she just cannot cope with it and is in the anger stage. I am really sorry that after all you have done for your Dad you now have this to cope with, and I understand your hurt. Please try to not allow her comments to get to you, I know its hard and it's worse whilst you are not in a good place for dealing with things. I don't agree with those who have posted some form of "retaliation" or anti-sister action on your part, I think it shows a lack of understanding of the position each of you is in. I do agree with those who suggest a simple response along the lines of you did what those with the knowledge and experience thought best, and you understand her grief. Leave it at that for now, delete her message and any more in like vein she sends so you don't keep seeing them. Try and move on as you need to, your sister needs to grieve in her way, as you need to grieve in yours just accept she is made in a way that reacts differently and don't hold it against her, but don't let her emotional reactions upset you or stop you moving on in your way.
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Ann Landers Had the best response for this kind of question, " You'll forgive me for not responding and I'll forgive you for what you said In your anger and your grief." Hospice told us it's normal for people to lash out in anger which is part of the stage of grief And we usually take it out on someone close to us. You should try to realize it wasn't personal. It's possible that it's a personality defect but it is not your fault and you shouldn't take this personally, As it took more love to not let your father suffer. You could always say would you rather have him suffer? That was the only other option.
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I'm sorry you lost your dad. I'm sure that you did everything right. Just keep telling yourself that. It is very common for other people who are not involved, are not doing the work, to second guess our decisions. You could just not respond to her. You could give one of the neutral sounding responses others have advised. In the end, you cannot change this person. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this.
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Let me tell you something. Out of two sibs, I am younger. I was the driver for hospice. 2 weeks ago I said to my sibling regarding a terribly failing parent: were this a child, one would say it is failure to thrive. I think we might need to look into hospice
Quite frankly, she never would have done on her own.

Our mom gets more care. More services. And they call and let us know. What they did. The chaplain called today.he is standing in for reg has flu. No, let's wait a bit. We don't want her to think she is being administered last rites. But you get that kind of care, concern. And my god, we are THANK ful for it.

You be elevated that you did right thing. Absolutely. Hold your head up strong and proud. Screw the sis.
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Katiiekay,

Please do not beat yourself up. Hospice is a humane way to allow our love ones to pass with dignity. You prepared yourself, as your sister could have done.

This is the age of information, Alzheimer's Association, as well as many other groups or associations inform us of the stages. Hospice prepares us to deal with it. Not saying it is easy, but it helps us to cope. Hospice provides aftercare, too. They are so wonderful. You may have to love your sister from afar for your own sanity.

Just a small portion of our story.... We had neighbors who were just plain evil and mean spirited. Neighbors would stare us down, including our mother. One neighbor had the nerve to ask, "why God has my mother living?" while she was still living. Then her sister says to me, tell my mother she loves her. Never said a kind word during the whole time we took cared of our mother. When my mother did past, before her body was in the funeral home car, the same evil woman tried to tell me what I could do with the hospital bed!!! The nerve!!! Then at the memorial service, she wanted to speak on behalf of the "neighborhood." NOT!!! We took care of our mother. We did not treat her like a burden as they treated their love ones. My brother and I who were primary caregivers have absolutely no regrets at all, but miss her dearly. We are grateful to have cared for her.

As caregivers, we have gone through so much. This is your time to grieve and restore yourself. Hugs and prayers to you and your family.
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I am in a similar situation although both my parents are still alive. My younger sister has been verbally abusive and distanced from me since our mother's health declined last summer. She has been mean and hateful and always makes comments to belittle and hurt me. We used to be close and talk or text nearly ever day and tell each other everything. I know she's hurting and is having a hard time dealing with this but it's not my fault for what's happening to our parents. I've had a really hard time dealing with her attitude towards me. Even though I'm focused on being caregivers for our parents, it's been extremely difficult to bear the hurt she's caused me. We are both in the caregiving roles but instead of giving each other support, we've become alienated from each other even though we both live close to our parents and have to interact on occasion.
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Don't let her word get to you, remember hurt people hurt people. She is taking her grief out on you and it is not fair at all however, it is something that occurs at times by people who them self aren't stable to deal with the lost of a love one. I will keep you uplifted in my prayers for strength and my condolences on your lost.
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I can only hope that when she talks to others they will have had the experience of these issues and not judge her hurtful comments. Never forgive will come back to haunt her one day. He was given comfort care, I hope some day she will be more understanding when it is her turn to make a decision for another and even herself.
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Jean1808 May 2019
Do you know, I can't get the post out of my mind. I guess on a level one could say about human suffering and death, " yes, there is an altered reality about these matters, and, no, it really doesn't feel OK. " I had beautiful conversations at church this weekend. Talking about things like knowing that we need God, trusting and loving God. I believe only religion has a vocabulary and context for the milestones of human existence like birth, life, marriage, old age, sickness, loss, and death. Even so, things can remain with us for a lifetime, and it can be like continually peeling away the onion with new tears.
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My thoughts on this....ive read all the comments and followed katiekays posts before her dad passed away. Its a terrible thing when family choose not to see that their loved one is ready to move on....to not suffer painful procedures to prolong a life that has been lived well, to be able to finally be at peace through death....i know that for me personally, i do not want any life prolonging procedures when the time comes....why? I feel its more loving and caring to let someone go who is suffering or in pain ...that is not living, its existing.....the medical advances we have today are excellent but there comes a point in time to let go and be at peace with it.....just my thoughts on end of life issues. And ive had to make a hard decision like that, for my grandmother....not easy to do but i knew her wishes and i honored them.....
katiekay...i do hope your days get brighter very soon💖
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bigsun May 2019
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If you all agreed about the route you we're going to take in this situation doesn't that mean she agreed also? Not sure why she's blaming you for something she also agreed to. Did you bring that up?
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I so feel for you. Sounds like your sister needs someone to blame, some people do (as does my sister) and unfortunately you are the one she chose. If you believe she is unstable and uninformed, there is your answer. You all did what you believed was the right thing for your Dad. You can rest easy knowing that you did the best you could do, and that's all a person can ever do. These are the most difficult (and sometimes even unfair but necessary) decisions a person can ever have to make! Ever! And you guys did what was right for him and that's all we can ever do.

That comment you quoted? Sounds like an unstable person to me. Why do that? What are you even doing with that? That answers it all.

Find your peace. You deserve it. My condolences to you. And hugs too. Stay close to the people in your life that are supportive and get it.
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I don't know your sister so won't make assumptions about her character but there are only two options for anyone's intentions in sending that message.
1. She is hurting. Blaming is one of the stages of grief. And you have to let her have that grief however it appears. However, she should also be blaming the doctors involved. Not because they were wrong, but because it makes no sense to hold you more accountable than the medical professionals unless.....
2. Her intent IS to be hurtful. It's not about grieving her father; it's about destroying you. Whether that's out of jealousy or instability or a combination of personality flaws, know that this is her flaw. If you get upset, then she's winning at her game. You don't need her "forgiveness" for what happened to your father. And you don't need her in your life.
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KatieKay I’m so sorry on the loss of your father. Condolences to you and your family. My advice is to ignore your sister! Nothing you will say will make her understand. It’s her problem not yours. You and your other siblings did right by your Dad. May he Rest In Peace.
I hope you also find peace as time goes by. Remember Faith, Hope, and Love will get you through.
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Katie, your sister sounds like someone who is hurting and needs someone to strike out at. She's picked you cause she probably knows she can press your buttons and it makes her feel powerful at a time when she and your whole family are feeling powerless.

Having said that, it's not right and it's not fair and you should try to avoid her as much as possible right now. I know it's natural to want to defend yourself cause you think she may see your avoidance as admittance of guilt but really who cares. Let her think anything she wants. Protect yourself from those who need to strike out at someone to make themselves feel better.

My condolences for your loss.
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Wow Countrymouse and elainesc comments hit the nail on the head. My mother also died in hospice at 89 with COPD and no remedy was working. She also had dementia and she was actively dying prior to her hospital stay . She was only in hospice for 21 days. I also have a sister who was not helpful at all when my mother was living. I was the sole caregiver full time with no assistance or support. The things I have pondered was that as children and even adults, my sister did not like me and it manifested into hating me at the end of my mother's life. She told lies about me as caregiver which destroyed my family bond. She continues to try and find medical mishaps that does not exist to accuse me of killing my mother. I never commented or even argued with any lies or evil that was told about me because I wanted my Mother to be able to see her family in PEACE, so do not ever try and convince your sister of your innocence because it is not about your Dad per se, but some kind of sick sibling rivalry that is playing out in her head. My remedy was like the comments of countrymouse. I am no longer in contact with any family members; I have moved to an undisclosed location; I changed my number; and no ones knows where I am. I am getting therapy and resetting my life. I also watched my mother pass away and with all the drama around me, I could not grieve for closure. I am now in process of closing this chapter of my life and building a new life knowing I did everything humanly possible for my mother, and I know you did too. for your Dad.
So Live again and do not allow Evil to win. It has no place in your new life, and if you believe that you will never achieve Peace and happiness with your sister in your life, than leave. It may sound extreme but it works to build you up for all the trials you have been through. Amen and God Bless You!!!
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I would say this to your sister - "You were on the conference call when we ALL made this decision." Then let it lie. Do NOT let it eat you up.
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Countrymouse May 2019
I really wouldn't say that. If you implicate her in what she now perceives as a crime, she will be angrier still and her accusations will become even wilder. I should just skip to letting it lie.
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I had to make the decision for my Dad too. He was 89 with faulty heart valves and COPD which made it worse. I spoke with his cardiologist, internist, and a Palliative Care Doctor all at the hospital. I could see that Dad was dying and he could not come off of the CPAP machine. Lungs were filling with fluid and kidneys starting failing. He was shutting down. It was the hardest thing I had ever watched. I told my sister what was going on and I made the decision. If anybody had questioned me, I would have really let them have it because it was so obvious. He was in hospice about 5 days. They kept him comfortable. You did the right thing for your Dad and do not second guess yourself. Distance yourself from your sister for a while until she is ready to open her mind and ears to the facts and accept the diagnosis. If she has problems of her own (stability), you may never get through to her. That is OKAY. You did your best. Your Dad is at peace now and not suffering. I am proud of you for taking charge of a sensitive decision. I am sorry for your loss. Take care of you now.
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All of the siblings were on the conference call. IF you reply, just say I'm sorry you feel this way. We made the decision together. I still love you. After she gets past her own regrets, you will have left the door open to be together again.

While her recent comments were hurtful (and you believe her to be unstable), she may be in a place where she cannot accept her own participation in the decision.
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Doctors are not always right, and when you ( and family ) have no medical knowledge, you seek medical advice and have to decide if you will take it.
The medical conditions you describe your father having suggest that the advice was correct and kind. If his pain was managed well, his death was managed kindly.
I have seen people literally " tortured " to death in Intensive Care. Several Doctors gathered around a man like your dad putting forward opinions - he was elderly, frail, comorbidities etc. He died with chest drains, intra- gastric tube, oxygen, other tubes, catheter, intravenous lines ..... All of them either painful or uncomfortable.
To make matters worse, his weeping son thanked my staff and I for looking after his father so well !
Your sister is grieving and lashing out. You are grieving. You bore a huge responsibility, consulted, and cared for your Dad. Well done ! I am sorry that you have been subjected to this attack. I have seen it too often.
Try to move on. Don't make any response to your sister while she behaves like this.
You have to grieve too.
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Death of any parent is devastating. Everyone grieves differently, some with anger, others sadness, etc.
It's easier said than done, but be at ease knowing that you did your best with him. That is all that matters and counts. Unfortunately, sometimes siblings have bigger expectations (standards) other times they feel guilty or angry because they were not able to do more themselves. Give time to yourself as well your sister, time to grieve. It may take a while.
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Wow.. this thread is growing...

Thank you guys so much for all the input. It helps to see so many support my decision for hospice for my Dad. I never thought I would be making this type of decision for someone.. although it really wasn't a decision.. as we were at the end of the road.. unless we could find a doctor to perform that type of surgery on an 87 year old man with dementia and other co morbidities.

I have read every comment.. and most comments I have re read multiple times to help me through this really dark time.. there are some really good ones to.. and I am so grateful to have others to understand.
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cherokeegrrl54 May 2019
katiekay.....please know you are in our thoughts daily....i lost my dad in 97 and its hard. Take the time you need ...to grieve and recharge yourself. Caregiving for your parents was hard. Now its time for YOU....do things that will bring you peace and healing....💖
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Each life or death decision is unique, and there is no such thing as one answer "fits all", and it can be extremely difficult for the person charged with making that decision. When my mother was admitted to the hospital and determined to be "terminal", I was shocked by the options offered and the choices I had to make. I knew that my mother didn't want any extreme measures taken to prolong her passing; in fact, she asked me to inquire about physician-assisted death. Of course, as that was not a legal option, when she could no longer be fed normally, I had to choose between a feeding tube (which the hospital would not remove once inserted) and letting her literally starve to death. The tube would prolong her suffering, which was against her wishes, while the alternative was equally unattractive. Ultimately, I chose to refuse the feeding tube and let God's will prevail.

If I had been aware of Hospice care at that time (over 25 years ago), I would have availed us of their assistance. As a Hospice volunteer myself now, I am aware that they are able to offer palliative care that physicians cannot and that everything is done in conjunction with the doctors' advice and full knowledge.

I agree that Hospice is an excellent resource to help you through this difficult time and help you come to terms with the opinions of those critical of your choices. Their grief counseling programs are of the highest caliber.
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This post really got to everyone I think. It is a sad situation you don't deserve. When it is my time to go, I pray someone with your heart is there to make the right decisions.
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I am sorry for your loss. Even if all agreed,it is a difficult decision that you, because you loved him, will always question. Siblings sometimes can be the most cruel. Its easy to say ignore their comments but I know how much it hurts. I pray you find peace for yourself and your family. My Dad passed a year and a half ago, and I still wake up in the middle of the night with nightmares of his care and death and the broken family it left behind for me. After meeting with the lawyer the last time to settle his estate, my brother said "goodbye, good luck" meaning I will never see him again. This brother at one point during dads care had wished me dead because he was believing every delusion my dad with alzheimers would tell him. The ten years I took care of Dad after stroke which paralyzed him on one side, didn't matter. And then in the end when Dad ended up in a nursing home and I wanted to bring him home to die, my brother who was his health care proxy said no, so everyday when i would see my dad and he asked me to go home, he blamed me. The final end was that when my dad was dying my brother didnt call me so even though i was with him every day, at the time of his death, I wasnt there. That was his final revenge on me. Family sometimes hurts you the most. Try to forgive, and remember good memories. It's not easy
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First of all, my condolences to you and your family.

As to your sister's " ill never forgive you," I think she is going through the grieving process, as are you and the whole family. "Never" really is a very long time. Anger and blame are both parts of it.

I am in the process of learning about end of life type forms for when it happens to me one day. I am reaching out to Catholic priests and pro life advocates for myself so that I properly complete my advance healthcare directive.

Even so, I'm certain the unforseen happens and suddenly everyone does their best to do what is right for their loved one.

As the one who had the responsibility, I can't imagine what you're going through. Don't go into denial with your grief as you manage everything and everyone. My Catholic church does have a grief support group and perhaps there is an appropriate support group for you where you are. Don't isolate and go through it alone.

If you have questions ask a Catholic priest or a pro life advocate. I do know that a line can be drawn at something like heroic measures. I also know that people with dementia can become very frightened of people and situations.

On a side note, yesterday a homeless man looked like he could be dying of a terrible sickness. I've known him for years. I asked him if I could call 911 and he emphatically said no. I also know he is schizophrenic and is terrified of the mental health system. I did not call 911. I honored his protest against that as a human being. I did go home and cry last night and I wonder how he is.

I feel like you would all feel better if you could just hug and love each other. We are not perfect, our choices are not perfect, and we do not live in a perfect world. At least we love each other. You all loved your father very much, and he knew that.
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I hate to say this but I have to say it. First of all, you listed to professional medical advice which was good. And there was a conference call and an agreement by all. Your sister is totally out of line. What I would do is respond and tell her medical advice and an agreement were involved and you acted accordingly. Then depending on if she answers and how, you will have to make a decision. Sometimes in life we must face something unpleasant is not going to change and the harm has been done. Then we get up and walk away never to look back. Time heals many things. Never stay with or around anyone who hurts you and causes you harm and suffering mentally, physically, emotionally or mentally. They are NOT worth it. I learned that the hard way way too late.
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cherokeegrrl54 May 2019
Very true words here!!
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I am so sorry about the passing of your Dad. I would say to your sis i am sorry you feel that way but under the circumstances i did the best for our Dad.
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Your Sister is clueless about what went into caring for your father. Ignore her..you were caregiver & poa ...not her. She’s crazy to think that surgery on a dementia patient is ok . 🤗 hugs ..Im sorry for your loss
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I can say been there done that. So sorry for your loss, I know that when there is turmoil around the time of death it hardly gives you time to grieve so Hugs to you I hope you find comfort. As for your Sister, what I have learned. There is there was no right answer as we are not in charge God is. There was a plan for your loved one always and the choice was never your's or Their's. You could have had the best care, the best doctors the best nurse, the best meds. But, our fate is written and no one has control. So, for example had to done it different the outcome is the same for our time on earth is up when the higher power says so not you not a piece of paper. It's what I have learned and I know and in time your sister will realize it too. But for now, just steer clear for their anger does not help your health or your emotional state. Take this time for yourself to grieve. So sorry for your loss. In the end all that matters was you loved your loved one you know that and they knew it nothing more needs to be said.
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The real cruelty, in my opinion, is allowing a person to CONTINUE to suffer, to CONTINUE having surgeries, to CONTINUE with extreme measures to prolong their lives when they're destined to pass soon anyway. When is enough enough? When your dad had a second intestinal blockage and surgery was not recommended........then it was enough, hospice was called in to keep him comfortable until God was ready to take him home. You did the right thing, your sister did the wrong thing. How selfish of her to put the blame on you for having hospice help him stay comfortable. Tell her you will take all the blame, that's fine, but please stop the communication unless she has something nice to say. How despicable of her.

Sending you a big hug for your bravery and courage in the face of such a tough situation, my friend.
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