Last Saturday my dad passed on hospice with an intestinal blockage (that has now occurred twice).. and the Dr's did not recommend surgery for him because of his age, dementia, and other co morbidities.. All siblings had a conference call and agreed that if the blockage didn't clear on its own (like it did last time).. that we would go for hospice and comfort care.
This is the text I just recieved from her.
"On what planet or altered reality was what happened to daddy ok? I’ll never forgive you. I hope you die the same death so you can see what he went through."
I believe she is unstable, uninformed, and I am sure I (as medical power of attorney) did the right thing... I followed advice of the doctors..and we all previously agreed. It was hard to watch him die like that...but she is wanting to put it all on me.. and it is so hurtful.
As to your sister's " ill never forgive you," I think she is going through the grieving process, as are you and the whole family. "Never" really is a very long time. Anger and blame are both parts of it.
I am in the process of learning about end of life type forms for when it happens to me one day. I am reaching out to Catholic priests and pro life advocates for myself so that I properly complete my advance healthcare directive.
Even so, I'm certain the unforseen happens and suddenly everyone does their best to do what is right for their loved one.
As the one who had the responsibility, I can't imagine what you're going through. Don't go into denial with your grief as you manage everything and everyone. My Catholic church does have a grief support group and perhaps there is an appropriate support group for you where you are. Don't isolate and go through it alone.
If you have questions ask a Catholic priest or a pro life advocate. I do know that a line can be drawn at something like heroic measures. I also know that people with dementia can become very frightened of people and situations.
On a side note, yesterday a homeless man looked like he could be dying of a terrible sickness. I've known him for years. I asked him if I could call 911 and he emphatically said no. I also know he is schizophrenic and is terrified of the mental health system. I did not call 911. I honored his protest against that as a human being. I did go home and cry last night and I wonder how he is.
I feel like you would all feel better if you could just hug and love each other. We are not perfect, our choices are not perfect, and we do not live in a perfect world. At least we love each other. You all loved your father very much, and he knew that.
If I had been aware of Hospice care at that time (over 25 years ago), I would have availed us of their assistance. As a Hospice volunteer myself now, I am aware that they are able to offer palliative care that physicians cannot and that everything is done in conjunction with the doctors' advice and full knowledge.
I agree that Hospice is an excellent resource to help you through this difficult time and help you come to terms with the opinions of those critical of your choices. Their grief counseling programs are of the highest caliber.
Thank you guys so much for all the input. It helps to see so many support my decision for hospice for my Dad. I never thought I would be making this type of decision for someone.. although it really wasn't a decision.. as we were at the end of the road.. unless we could find a doctor to perform that type of surgery on an 87 year old man with dementia and other co morbidities.
I have read every comment.. and most comments I have re read multiple times to help me through this really dark time.. there are some really good ones to.. and I am so grateful to have others to understand.
It's easier said than done, but be at ease knowing that you did your best with him. That is all that matters and counts. Unfortunately, sometimes siblings have bigger expectations (standards) other times they feel guilty or angry because they were not able to do more themselves. Give time to yourself as well your sister, time to grieve. It may take a while.
The medical conditions you describe your father having suggest that the advice was correct and kind. If his pain was managed well, his death was managed kindly.
I have seen people literally " tortured " to death in Intensive Care. Several Doctors gathered around a man like your dad putting forward opinions - he was elderly, frail, comorbidities etc. He died with chest drains, intra- gastric tube, oxygen, other tubes, catheter, intravenous lines ..... All of them either painful or uncomfortable.
To make matters worse, his weeping son thanked my staff and I for looking after his father so well !
Your sister is grieving and lashing out. You are grieving. You bore a huge responsibility, consulted, and cared for your Dad. Well done ! I am sorry that you have been subjected to this attack. I have seen it too often.
Try to move on. Don't make any response to your sister while she behaves like this.
You have to grieve too.
While her recent comments were hurtful (and you believe her to be unstable), she may be in a place where she cannot accept her own participation in the decision.
So Live again and do not allow Evil to win. It has no place in your new life, and if you believe that you will never achieve Peace and happiness with your sister in your life, than leave. It may sound extreme but it works to build you up for all the trials you have been through. Amen and God Bless You!!!
Having said that, it's not right and it's not fair and you should try to avoid her as much as possible right now. I know it's natural to want to defend yourself cause you think she may see your avoidance as admittance of guilt but really who cares. Let her think anything she wants. Protect yourself from those who need to strike out at someone to make themselves feel better.
My condolences for your loss.
I hope you also find peace as time goes by. Remember Faith, Hope, and Love will get you through.
1. She is hurting. Blaming is one of the stages of grief. And you have to let her have that grief however it appears. However, she should also be blaming the doctors involved. Not because they were wrong, but because it makes no sense to hold you more accountable than the medical professionals unless.....
2. Her intent IS to be hurtful. It's not about grieving her father; it's about destroying you. Whether that's out of jealousy or instability or a combination of personality flaws, know that this is her flaw. If you get upset, then she's winning at her game. You don't need her "forgiveness" for what happened to your father. And you don't need her in your life.
That comment you quoted? Sounds like an unstable person to me. Why do that? What are you even doing with that? That answers it all.
Find your peace. You deserve it. My condolences to you. And hugs too. Stay close to the people in your life that are supportive and get it.
katiekay...i do hope your days get brighter very soon💖
Please do not beat yourself up. Hospice is a humane way to allow our love ones to pass with dignity. You prepared yourself, as your sister could have done.
This is the age of information, Alzheimer's Association, as well as many other groups or associations inform us of the stages. Hospice prepares us to deal with it. Not saying it is easy, but it helps us to cope. Hospice provides aftercare, too. They are so wonderful. You may have to love your sister from afar for your own sanity.
Just a small portion of our story.... We had neighbors who were just plain evil and mean spirited. Neighbors would stare us down, including our mother. One neighbor had the nerve to ask, "why God has my mother living?" while she was still living. Then her sister says to me, tell my mother she loves her. Never said a kind word during the whole time we took cared of our mother. When my mother did past, before her body was in the funeral home car, the same evil woman tried to tell me what I could do with the hospital bed!!! The nerve!!! Then at the memorial service, she wanted to speak on behalf of the "neighborhood." NOT!!! We took care of our mother. We did not treat her like a burden as they treated their love ones. My brother and I who were primary caregivers have absolutely no regrets at all, but miss her dearly. We are grateful to have cared for her.
As caregivers, we have gone through so much. This is your time to grieve and restore yourself. Hugs and prayers to you and your family.
Quite frankly, she never would have done on her own.
Our mom gets more care. More services. And they call and let us know. What they did. The chaplain called today.he is standing in for reg has flu. No, let's wait a bit. We don't want her to think she is being administered last rites. But you get that kind of care, concern. And my god, we are THANK ful for it.
You be elevated that you did right thing. Absolutely. Hold your head up strong and proud. Screw the sis.