They are in the 70s and my grandmother just moved into a nursing home. I have suggested that they all move closer to me but they refuse to sell their home. My mother's solution is to have my Dad stay with me so she can keep his income to support the mortgage of their house. I find this ridiculous. I really am at a loss on what to do.
I would tell your mother you will absolutely NOT take your father in so she can keep his income to pay for the mortgage..........I agree that such an idea is ridiculous. She either agrees to work things out or she should file for divorce.
Best of luck!
When Dad calls to complain about Mom you say..."I am not having this conversation with you and if it continues I will hang up" Then follow through.
You are not responsible for helping them work out "problems" real or perceived.
If they are both safe physically and emotionally from each other then just let them bicker on. This is how some people communicate and oddly they don't know how to do it any other way.
i told them both they need to work it out.
PS. Dueling pistols are deliberately manufactured to be grossly inaccurate... after all the goal is to satisfy honor not kill someone. But, if you ever find yourself as second...RUN...you are in more danger than the intended target.
Do you think your grandmother's moving into a nursing home might make a difference on its own once they've all adjusted to the change? Is this your mother's mother or your father's mother, and who was doing the caregiving before the move?
When they call you each to complain about the other, you say - with absolutely no sense of humour about it - "I'm not listening to this. I refuse to hear it. Sort yourselves out."
But just as a guide to what they're feeling, what have their complaints been about, generally?
DH is very, very depressed and doesn't like to talk or socialize or do ANYTHING but sleep. I am so very, very, very tired of it, but I try not to say anything to my kids.
Divorce has sat on the table, just sitting there staring at both of us. I know it will totally screw up our retirement plans, we'll both be 'scratching by' instead of living well if we divorce. He honestly doesn't care about anything, so divorcing him b/c he's depressed seems awfully mean, but he can be so mean to me and I am struggling to overcome a year of cancer and chemotherapy. He was not there for me, not one iota and I can't get over this huge hurt.
But--my kids are wise and do not allow me to wallow in self pity.
Truly, not many people married 44 years are super happy and always content. I am hoping that after DH's mother passes away he can get some help for his anger and depression. He knows he needs help---but won't get it. Talking to your kids is pointless. And thoughtless.
Retired and spending every waking moment together, yee gads! Who wouldn't be sick of the other person.
Do they do anything separate? I would encourage them to find hobbies, volunteer activities, clubs or anything that would give them a life beyond each other. You could do some research and have information sent to them or give them the contact information. Senior community centers have card clubs, shopping excursions, casino trips and community lunches. That is a place to start.
I adore my husband, but our 1st retirement showed me that I still need to do things that are for me and visa-versa, we quite frankly ran out of things to talk about. We did everything together and we were going bonkers.
I started volunteering and he started a remodel and we continue living our lives and meeting up at the end of our day, happy to be together, with interesting things to share. We do a ton of things together now and they are so pleasurable because it is not the only thing we do. We look forward to trips and outings, before it was feeling like punishment. 😁
We always say "Too much of a good thing is just that, TOO MUCH!"
So I encourage you to encourage them to do things for themselves and their interests, if nothing else it gives them less time to spar.
My paternal grandparents lived their entire relationship, from before marriage to death bickering and sparring and sometimes being physical, they loved it. Tough on everyone else, but it was how they dealt for 70 years.
I hope that they find something that gives them purpose and meaning and allows some peace in their home that extends to you.
(ps: I tell my parents I will not listen to them talking about one another. If they persistent I say, I told you I am not doing this, goodbye and I hang up, every time. They haven't been married for 35+ years but still want to chew on one another to me. They both know that it cuts the contact short, their choice. I think that you can take control of what you listen to from them, they will learn that you are not their dumping ground.)
Now, I find that I have no tolerance for it--at all!
I don't think counseling is going to be the answer. Don't get me wrong I am for therapy, but they are up there in age and in truth, probably addicted to it. I think your best bet is for them to find hobbies that each of them can do without the other.
Isthisrealyreal is right. To much of a good thing isn't a good thing anymore. We all need time to ourselves!
My dad would cave. Used to make me sad, sometimes even angry. I desired for him to stand up to my mom but as a kid I had no idea how to articulate those feelings so I would retreat. I couldn’t take it and retreat in my treehouse in my backyard. When I got older, I took off on foot, my bicycle, a bus or the street car.
I still don’t see the point of involving myself in other people’s disputes. It always made me uncomfortable to be placed in the middle of someone else’s situation. I will leave. Not doing it. Never have and never will.
Also, too much togetherness can cause issues in a relationship. Not many people can handle being joined at the hip all of the time.
Best wishes to you and your family.
Have you told your mom that dad's money goes where he goes and there just isn't enough to support mortgage/rent at two houses? Just asking.
Sometimes after work career ends, two people find that having so much time together is not a good thing. Perhaps they really never got along. Pretty much they can figure out a way to work it out or sell the house so they can go their own ways. - Wonder how they would both feel about that?
Is there a way to divide the house so they each have bedroom and sitting area? Even if it means adding a wall somewhere. Common area would be the kitchen and laundry room and maybe bathroom if there is only one. Each one responsible for their own meals, cleaning up what they mess up, etc.
-- Having a professional talk with both of them at same time could be easier for you, however they may have both already drawn lines in the sand as far as taking advice from anyone. It would be interesting to let mom share her plan with a counselor so an outsider can point out how selfish that idea is.
May I repeat myself? Stay out of it! AND, do not go along with Mom's suggestion as you will never have a life again.
Just say NO.
Your mom's solution IS ridiculous. No, no, no, NO, NO!!! every time she suggests this!
IF they are only arguing, let it be. You implied they always have argued, but it has gotten worse. So long as there is nothing physical in the arguments, let them argue and be miserable. They sound capable - if they don't like what the other is doing, go out and do something else! Being cooped up in the same home, now that they are retired, can contribute to more abrasive interactions, but that is something THEY need to work out.
If they are putting you in the middle, such as calling you and bad-mouthing the other, you can politely tell them not to do this/you don't want to hear this. If they continue, hang up. If this doesn't stop them, don't answer. Eventually, so long as there are no cognitive issues, they should get the hint. Children, young or adult, should NEVER be put on the spot! It's like they want you to take sides and belittle the other. No.
My mother was VERY critical of our spouses. I heard so much crap over the years about my brothers' wives and my ex. The one that REALLY got my goat was regarding OB's first wife. They divorced and YEARS later she was still going on about her. Even after she passed away following surgery! The last time it came up, I decided if she does this one more time I am going to light into her! This was before dementia BTW. Good lord, the woman was dead mom, LET IT GO! She even would go on about her own MIL, gone MANY years before. Gripe gripe gripe... some people are like that - no purpose or hobby in life other than being critical of others. Fortunately (or not) dementia did kick in and the topics never came up again. I had so much negative crap stored in my head from all these gripes! I kept it to myself, no point in angering someone else, but it is not nice!
So, provided you don't think either would get physical (do they own guns?), let them argue. You could suggest to each that they find a hobby or something to get them out of the house, follow their own interests. Less time spent together would at the least reduce the amount of arguing. Probably won't eliminate it, but they need to get OUT and do something else! You can only suggest this (or the counseling) - if no interest, so be it. There really isn't anything else you can do except remove yourself from their behavior!
It's painful and frustrating to witness stalemates in our parents' marriage. But they are the ones who must fix it. No matter how good your intentions, stay out of it. To move your dad in with you or pay for counseling will only backfire.
Instead of all you thinking my DH is a jerk--I need to qualify something: his parents had probably the worst marriage in history. I never saw or heard them say or do a kind thing for/to each other in the 42 years they were married. In fact, on our first date, DH told me how miserable his parents were and that he would never marry. (So I asked him why he was dropping money on a movie with me!)
They truly has problems that only divorce could 'mend'. But it didn't. Dad left, she 'let' him have an old recliner, a card table and 2 (not all 4) of the folding chairs, his clothes and one small TV. The rest she had Goodwill come and get before he had a chance to get anything else.
Dad never said ONE WORD against MIL. She on, the other hand, is still alive and kicking at 90 and will talk about him incessantly. In fact, he and his shortcomings as a human is all she really does talk about. He's been gone 16 years and they were divorced 14 years prior to his death. Wouldn't you think 30 years of 'aloneness' would have calmed her some? Nope--she's still absolutely as mad at him as she ever was.
So DH GREW UP seeing a non-functioning, hateful marriage. He has protected himself by distancing himself from me, so he can't get hurt.
Funny thing, he'll tell basically strangers how much he loves me, and how stressed out and worried he was during my chemo last year. Never said a word to me. I heard this from a woman he works with.
It is going to take his mother's death and some serious soul searching to get him to trust me. I've stayed with him through goodness knows what, and I don't WANT to leave him.
He left on a n 8 day business trip this am. Know how I know he felt awful about what a jerk he's been the last few weeks? He made his own bed.
And again--it is NOT my kids' business as to what goes on in my marriage, short of abuse. We don't even squabble. We just are 2 entirely different people with NOTHING in common who got married. We're not that unusual.
Plus which, I am super, super awesome and forgive him daily. :)
You totally are super super awesome:)
Hope you are feeling somewhat better and getting your strength back little-by-little each day!😊
Hugs!!
Hugs 🤗
If your parents have Original Medicare insurance it will pay for therapy for them.
Its inappropriate on many levels for you to be involved in their marital issues. It’s inappropriate for them to discuss each other with you because you are powerless to do anything about it. You don’t want to take sides. It just causes you stress.
And to me, it actually makes it less likely they will get help. They release the stress (to a degree) by venting to you instead of trying to resolve their issues.
Set firm boundaries with your parents. Your modeling appropriate behavior (therapy for yourself being one such behavior) and setting boundaries will help them and you.
If they seek counseling and they recover from having taken care of grandmother, they just might be able to work out new ways of interacting with one another. They are not beyond hope.
However, you should not get in the middle of this. Stand your ground. Do not take sides. Look up reflective listening skills and use these when one or the other of them talks to you so that you can through reflectively listening place their problem squarely back into their laps where it belongs. They do need counseling, if they are open to it. If money were the obstacle, I might help by offering some financial assistance if I were in your shoes. I would also look into counseling for myself to learn coping skills to best handle this situation with my parents.