She is in AL. I have her car. She insists she is moving out and she says she needs her car in order to find a new place to live. I am at a loss as to what to say when she tells me she needs to know how to get to my house to get her car. I stupidly attempt to reason with her by letting her know that she needs to take a driving test with DMV, then get the battery charged, then finally get the car registered and insured. She says I can't do all that, can you help me? I let her know that people who drive have to be able to handle all of that themselves. The conversation just goes round and round. Suggestions for responses to her request? She is very difficult to distract and just keeps returning to her question of how do I get my car? I need to drive. I need to get out of here. Distraction or diverting the conversation is not second nature to me yet. Suggestions for what to say to her?
Have you tried just telling her that her Dr. won't let her drive any more and that we will have to talk to the Dr. before you can allow her to get her car back? That way it's the Dr.'s fault, and not yours. Or honestly just going along with whatever she is saying, is probably your best bet. If she says she's moving out and needs her car, just agree and tell her yes, you're right, we'll need to work on that----tomorrow. Wishing you the very best.
YB 'inherited' the car, which is the one he drives her around in---and when he parks it, the parking brake is pulled to the limit, further keeping her from driving.
She hasn't driven for almost 10 years--so it really isn't an issue now, but she has enough friends her age whe ARE still driving that it makes her feel minimized.
It's a hard thing for most people to give up--esp if they are forced to do so.
Don't answer her every time she asks. This might help with the repeating loop.
As for the moving out part. Tell her that is her home and that she isn't moving anywhere because she can't afford to. Then as a last resort if she gets in a repeating loop about moving, tell her that the next move will be to a nursing home. That her doctor wanted to try AL first before putting her in one. Even with moderate dementia, many times just the mention of a nursing home is enough to break a repeating loop.
This is a hard one especially because most of moms life she was a delivery driver. Give yourself a break.... distraction takes a long time to learn and it is really hard with your own mother....she raised you ,hard to fool her, my heart goes out to you.
The one thing that helped me get through this was knowing how bad my mom would feel if she hurt anyone or anything driving. That as our way of saving her from that.
Disabling it if it's still located where she can see it/get to it can work for some, but others either tinker with cars (mostly men) or can call help. It's best to really disable it (kill switch or the Club steering wheel lock) and then remove it, so out of sight, eventually out of mind!
Your mother has no interest in the car, but the mode of departure to meet her ends.
I would mention that she can no longer safely drive but can wait for the bus, and you could walk and sit with her if she is keen to action this immediately. If it is getting late, you might ask her to return tomorrow for the morning bus.
I guess it sounds a bit cruel, but in their mind they are being proactive in pursuing their objectives.
With you, for sure... but oh so sweet and nice with the doc, right?
My mother was nasty to ME about taking her key, the day after my YB took it. I told her I didn't touch it and when asked who did, I replied "You're so smart, you figure it out" and hung up. She was just SO nasty to me for something I didn't even do! Next day, she found that other key I knew she had and tried to take the car out. I'd had YB disable it (pulled the battery cable) just in case. She called ME again, nastier than the first call and demanded I get down there and fix whatever I did to it. I could honestly say, same as with the key, I didn't touch it. Of course it was my idea to disable it, but she didn't need to know that! Usually my mother was that way - could be nasty to us, but sweet to everyone else. Only once or twice did she become difficult (understatement?) at a doc office.
Typical for the doc to pass this off. Many will not get into this. Even if they and the DMV do, with dementia the "talk" and the letters are either forgotten or dismissed.
As noted, assure her it's all in the works. You're on it (although you're not.) They are backed up because of the virus. They aren't allowing in person tests yet. SO many excuses to use, but meanwhile assure her you are on it. It'll be soon.... Hopefully you can find ways to change the topic then, after she's assured that you will take care of it right away (not) and calms down a bit.
Of course, you'll reassure her that you'll drive her (always in your own car!) - And if you need to at that moment, take her for a drive, a simple sightseeing cruise or a stop for an ice cream. Talk about anything other than cars.
1. Tell her, her car died and can't be resurrected.
2. If that doesn't work, level with her that she is no longer capable of driving - you can always add that the dr told you it is not allowed anymore.
If she has to be mad at you for the situation, so be it.
I feel your pain.
the car is in the shop.
the car does not run right now.
the doctor says you can not drive while taking the medication you are on,
you do not have a drivers license.
You can not "reason" or explain to someone with dementia about how or why they can or can not do something.
This might be the time you think about moving mom from AL to Memory Care.
In AL technically they can walk out the door and the staff can not stop them. In MC the doors are locked and they can not leave.
If mom is truly bent on getting to your house there is the great likelihood that she could try walking to your house. And she would wander off not knowing where she is. And then finding her before something happened to her would be a priority.