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Often with loved ones with dementia, we have to use little "fiblets" with them, as the odds are they won't remember what we tell them anyway. So next time she asks, tell her whatever seems appropriate at the time, like I think he ran to the store, or he's visiting his friend and should be home shortly, or I'm not sure, but I'm sure he'll be home soon. You get the picture. You have to do whatever's possible to lessen your mother's stress, and if that's telling a little "fiblet" every now and again, well then so be it. I wish you the best.
funkygrandma said it perfectly.... DO NOT TELL HER HE'S GONE!! She said it exactly right. She's going to keep asking and you keep saying the same thing. They won't remember anyway. My cousin unfortunately, told my mom her mother had passed. And it was over 50yrs ago. She got upset... I said to him why would you do that? {considering his mom had dementia} He should have known. But anything to keep the stress level down and prevent them from getting upset is what you have to do. Any family member asked about who is no longer living they went to the store or went on vacation. But telling them at least in the moment could spiral them into deep depression. At least for the moment. And you don't want to deal with that or getting them upset and getting their blood pressure up to cause more issues...
My Dad just passed in January. 2/3 of the time my Mom talks about him in the present. I will say "He's everywhere. He's watching over you, so be careful what you say or do." She laughs.. But rest of the time, I ignore & change the subject. As you commenters above wrote, it will continue. My Mom will say he is upstairs or she will write a note to him before we leave for the grocery store... My Mom is 79.. She NEVER prepared mentally for my Dad passing. He was 92. Many times she will say he abandoned her. It's all so exhausting. SMH. Hoping this doesn't go on for a decade...
As wrong as it may make you feel… you have to kind of lie.
A friend of mine had this exact situation with her MIL. Each time they told her “he’s in Heaven” she’d cry… and ask again 10 minutes later. Same answer, she’d cry. So, now he’s simply out.
”He’s at work.” ”He had to go to the store.” ”He’s busy.”
She’d still ask over and over but these answers kept her from getting upset.
I liken it to not telling a young child the bad details of something. Say the kid’s grandma has cancer or is deathly ill. You wouldn’t say to them “Grandma is going to die soon.” You’d be more like “Grandma is in the hospital for now because she’s sick.” No need to go into the harshest aspect that would only confuse and upset the kid. It’s the same with Mom.
I’ve been told it’s called a therapeutic fib. The goal with dementia patients is to keep their life on an even keel, at all times. So you tell these stories to save them grief and upset and drama - which they will forget 5 minutes later. Then they ask again, and again, and again. Each time they hear the answer, it’s like they are hearing the heartbreaking news for the first time in their life - even if their loved one has been gone 50 years, because there’s a blank space where that info used to be stored in their brain.
When my mother's dementia advanced, she was constantly asking where her parents and siblings were. NEVER did she EVER ask where her husband *my father* of 68 years was. Which was odd. I'd tell her all kinds of stories: her mother was in Florida b/c it was too cold for her in Colorado. She was 137 years old, after all, and had to stay warm. I didn't tell mom that......I'm just making a joke to keep things light here :) I'd tell mom that her siblings had their phone disconnected and couldn't talk that day, or they were en route someplace & incommunicado when she wanted to call them. Or that I couldn't locate their phone number at that exact moment. I told her whatever I could think of at the moment to keep her calm, in other words, and to avoid the fact that her entire family of 9 was deceased. 10 counting my father. She was the last man standing, at 95 years old.
Telling a dementia sufferer that their loved ones are dead just keeps re-traumatizing them over and over again, for no good reason. With no short term memory intact, they'll just keep asking & so you'll just keep repeating the same sad news, so you'll need to come up with places your father is now. At the store, at a business function in another state (that's a good one b/c that'll keep him away for a week or two), getting a haircut, at the gym, whatever. Sometimes mom would look at me thru squinted eyes and yell OH YOU'RE LYING, I KNOW YOU ARE. Then I'd change the subject or offer her a snack, which always lit her up b/c she loved her snacks. Remember, mom has the attention span of a gnat now, so keeping her distracted will be your best bet. That & therapeutic fibs.
It depends on the severity / type of dementia she has and how she might respond to whatever or however you share with her. Key is not upset her. You want to keep her calm and emotionally / psychologically as even as possible. She is confused and her [parts of her] brain chemistry doesn't work anymore.
One day she might accept the truth and say she understands. The next day she may ask where he is. Or the next five minutes.
I would recommend you say whatever works "he's doing an errand and will be back later." And then change the subject.
You might need to try different strategies at different times. Keep calm, change the subject, perhaps ask her about memories if you feel that would bring her any joy although she may not be able to recall - and this might frustrate her. Bring her flowers and say they are from him. Things like this will make her feel loved.
Dementia is learning a new language. It takes self patience and compassion for both you and the dementia inflicted person.
A "near truth" is kinder than having her relive the trauma of his death hourly/daily. Try saying: "He is on a long out of town trip" "He had to go out for a bit" "He is visiting an older family member" "He is busy working"
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
You have to do whatever's possible to lessen your mother's stress, and if that's telling a little "fiblet" every now and again, well then so be it.
I wish you the best.
A friend of mine had this exact situation with her MIL. Each time they told her “he’s in Heaven” she’d cry… and ask again 10 minutes later. Same answer, she’d cry. So, now he’s simply out.
”He’s at work.”
”He had to go to the store.”
”He’s busy.”
She’d still ask over and over but these answers kept her from getting upset.
I liken it to not telling a young child the bad details of something. Say the kid’s grandma has cancer or is deathly ill. You wouldn’t say to them “Grandma is going to die soon.” You’d be more like “Grandma is in the hospital for now because she’s sick.” No need to go into the harshest aspect that would only confuse and upset the kid. It’s the same with Mom.
Telling a dementia sufferer that their loved ones are dead just keeps re-traumatizing them over and over again, for no good reason. With no short term memory intact, they'll just keep asking & so you'll just keep repeating the same sad news, so you'll need to come up with places your father is now. At the store, at a business function in another state (that's a good one b/c that'll keep him away for a week or two), getting a haircut, at the gym, whatever. Sometimes mom would look at me thru squinted eyes and yell OH YOU'RE LYING, I KNOW YOU ARE. Then I'd change the subject or offer her a snack, which always lit her up b/c she loved her snacks. Remember, mom has the attention span of a gnat now, so keeping her distracted will be your best bet. That & therapeutic fibs.
Good luck!
Key is not upset her. You want to keep her calm and emotionally / psychologically as even as possible. She is confused and her [parts of her] brain chemistry doesn't work anymore.
One day she might accept the truth and say she understands.
The next day she may ask where he is.
Or the next five minutes.
I would recommend you say whatever works "he's doing an errand and will be back later." And then change the subject.
You might need to try different strategies at different times.
Keep calm, change the subject, perhaps ask her about memories if you feel that would bring her any joy although she may not be able to recall - and this might frustrate her. Bring her flowers and say they are from him. Things like this will make her feel loved.
Dementia is learning a new language. It takes self patience and compassion for both you and the dementia inflicted person.
"He is on a long out of town trip"
"He had to go out for a bit"
"He is visiting an older family member"
"He is busy working"