I’m 22 and my mom is 57. My parents separated 5 years ago when she moved out and ever since she’s been on her own, her health and self care has completely diminished. I’m the only child that still talks to her daily, and just helped her with a move to a new apartment. Her apartment had cat hair everywhere, trash scattered from take out, dishes overflowing the sink, filth everywhere in the bathroom, and the same bedsheets I put on two months ago. She hasn’t showered in weeks and wears a baseball hat in public to hide her hair, and really doesn’t change her clothes unless I bother her to- but that takes a lot. She has entirely isolated herself and will leave the house only to take her neighbor to get groceries/to buy herself wine. I live in another state now but feel immense guilt everyday, and panic if she doesn’t pick up her phone after a few calls. My dad won’t help. My siblings won’t help. I can’t afford to get her help- and even if I did she would refuse. We went to the doctor for something to be checked and he ended up prescribing antidepressants, again. He has done this once before, but she took them after drinking (which is a daily occurrence) and got sick from mixing the meds and alcohol. I constantly encourage her to get outside more, to walk, or feel the sunshine but she just nods and changes the conversation. She’s gained a lot of weight in the past year, and hasn’t unpacked from her previous move. I feel like she’s giving up and I’m the only one left trying to save her. Has anyone else experienced this with their mother/father? Where they won’t take care of themselves at a younger age? I’m at a loss. I know this is a very all over the place question/post.
Her children were not born to take on the job of taking care of her. NOT YOU, and not any of your siblings.
However hard you try, you will not save her from herself unless and until she assumes the responsibility for herself, and the harder you try and the more you do, the less she will assume responsibility for herself.
Your job, at 22, is to become the very best human being you can be. That’s your job, and the one you need to focus on.
If you are not emotionally emancipated from your relationship to her as her offspring, please seek outa good therapist and get to work on that.
Don’t become embroiled in a war with your siblings OR your father. The nature of her condition can foster a sense of hostility among you all, and that’s not fair to any of you. If they happen to be emotionally emancipated from her, talk to them, find out where they are in the process, learn how they’re dealing. The fact that they have chosen not to care for her as she SHOULD be caring for themselves, does NOT. Are them bad people.
If you still maintain a relationship with your father, work on that too. She left you when you were 17. Are you still living with him? If not, do you communicate with him on subjects not related to your mother?
The “guilt” you feel is a symptom of HER expectations and the obligations she has imposed on you, NOT a reflection of failures or inadequacies on your part.
Your mom will not change until SHE wants to do so.
Yes, I DO KNOW, by experience.
An AL-ANON group will be of more help to you.
https://al-anon.org/
You won't be able to "fix" your mom. Only she can fix herself. And that is only when and if she really wants to.
If you are enabling her in any way, you need to stop today, as that only hurts her and does not help her.
Your best bet is to do what your father and siblings have done and step away, and let the chips fall where they may. Maybe then she will reach out and get the help she needs.
She's NOT your responsibility, so let it/her go and start living and enjoying your life.
It does sound like mental health illness (wether it is depression or more) along with alcoholism.
Both are a diseases and both do deserve help. The hardest part is getting the one struggling with the disease the correct support and them also wanting the help.
I would also suggest joining a Al-Anon group in your area - this will help you (I believe many are even online). It will help you see that you are not alone - it may help give you the tools to learn ways to reach out to places in your moms community so that others can also help guide her. It’s so very easy for people to say “it’s not your job” and while it’s not - when we love and care about people we cannot just switch off our love for them and we need help from groups and even therapist to help guide us on these hard journeys. When those we love are suffering “we cannot just shut off our grief or anxiety and even the moments that we do - it will creep back in” it’s why we need others and professionals to help us with it. Mental health - depression - Alcoholism etc are diseases (My dad was an alcoholic from the moment I was born) but my mom taught me about the disease - surrounded me with knowledge and support so I learned what I could do and what my dad would have to do to help himself. My dad never did make it out of his disease but everything I learned through the years helped me take in my nephew in 2010 (he was 21 and had been a drug addict for a few years) - my husband and I got a court to release him into our custody - flew him to Florida - had to set up his probation - counseling - meetings etc and he will celebrate 11 years sober in October.
You cannot make someone get help but Al-Anon and other support groups can help give you the tools that can help both you and your mom. They can help you find a peace that you are doing what you believe as her daughter you want and can bring to her journey.
I do hope you reach out to a support group as everyone in a family is affected by the disease and you deserve the same support and knowledge for yourself. 🦋
You nor anyone else can force her into helping herself by going to a psychiatrist, getting medication (if needed), and regularly attending therapy sessions. She has to want to help herself and get better.
There's nothing you can do if she refuses, so don't grind yourself down trying to help her. If she wants to be absolutely disgusting in her personal hygiene, or live in the filth and squalor of a despicable hoard, that's on her not you.
All you can do is help her find some mental health/addiction services and encourage her.
Do absolutely nothing for her that is not directly related to her sober recovery or getting mental health/addiction services and treatment. I mean do nothing for her.
Don't clean her house. Don't bring her groceries or run her errands. Don't beg and plead with her to take a shower and change her clothes. Don't give her a ride anywhere. Don't listen to her incoherent ramblings when she's drunk or what she goes on about when having a mental episode. I'm sure this will be hard for you because she's your mom, but the only way to help her is to not help her.
If she remains unwilling to help herself and get better, then call APS because she's an at risk adult and the state will take responsibility for her.
I am so sorry that you are struggling with this situation. It’s awful to see someone that we love self destruct. Please know that you can’t make her do anything. It has to be something that she decides on her own.
She shouldn’t mix booze and meds. She definitely sounds depressed. Does her doctor know about her drinking?
Have you attended any Al-Anon meetings? They do help. I am glad that you are living your life. You are not responsible for her. I know that it hurts. I tried desperately to help my brother. He died with liver issues.
I had to step away. I learned that I didn’t have any power to change his behavior. Your dad and siblings most likely know that they can’t help her. As sad as it is, she is going to have to figure it out for herself and hopefully will reach out for help. Have you suggested AA for her? If you lived near her, you could offer to attend a meeting with her. Do you know anyone who would offer to bring her to a meeting?
I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers, also your mom.
I wish you peace during this difficult time in your life. Many hugs.
There is something you can do for her today if you are willing.
Contact your nearest Al anon meeting site.
Instead of calling mom, call them.
Find one near where you live, where you work and where you would feel comfortable. If you don’t like the first one or two, keep looking. If you can’t find one you like, consider that you are making excuses and running from the help that is there for you. You might not feel like it’s for you. You might have to dig deep to attend but it is something that works for many. Here is a link.
https://www.dallasal-anon.org/
see page 35 on this link
https://www.dallascounty.org/Assets/uploads/docs/district-attorney/MentalHealth_CommunityResourceGuide.pdf