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By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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My mother does this. I tell her everybody is fine. She thinks her mother, dad, and my brother are still alive. They died years ago. My job is to keep her as calm and happy as possible in her condition. I have prayed about this. I agree with what she says. It is more humane. Her nerves are better and so are mine.
Yes. Why make him relive that over and over. Each time as traumatic as the first. His mind is diseased. That is cruel to keep doing that. Just say she is sleeping. It's true. That is probably good enough. Then redirect.
My mom and I have always been very close. There have been no lies between us. When we started this journey she told me never to lie. My mom is still pretty high functioning. She has short term memory loss, some long term memory loss and some confusion on occasion confined to the evening time. Occasionally when she is having a rough evening she will ask me tough questions. At first I would tell her the truth because that was her wish. Now I kind of gauge the circumstance and many times opt for the white lie. I have also become expert at redirecting her. I couldn't stand hurting her over and over again, so I shield her from the bad things when I can. Remember, this news is completely new to them and so the pain they experience is just as fierce as when it first happened. If it can be avoided, I say avoid hurting them. They have enough confusion and pain in their lives.
Before I read anybody else's response, let me say "Yes", tell her a fib. Many caregivers encounter this situation. I'm lucky to still have both my parents, and they know their own parents are long-gone. But my Mom's sister died about 10 years ago, and when a family member reminded Mom of this, she started grieving all over again. Make up a story about where the lost loved one is: on vacation, a thousand miles away. Whatever. There's no reason to rekindle such grief, especially if memory is failing and you may be asked this same question many more times. Good luck.
My Mom has dementia and is in assisted living. The last two times I was there, she kept asking about my brother who passed away many years ago and she thinks he is still a child. Yes, I lie to my mother and tell him that he is fine. (He passed 30 years ago) She seems settled with this answer. When I asked her once if she remembered him being in an auto accident, she said no he was not that it was someone else (total denial). So I did not say he was dead. I could not do that to her. I have prayed about this too by the way but it seems cruel to tell her this when she will cry and grieve in the shape Mom is in now. She also thinks her mother & father are alive too. They died in 1983 and 1995. So Mom is living in the past now. She is more comfortable there and I leave it at that. Bless you and I know this is hard.
Gingerjo, my deepest condolences upon the loss of your Dad. I love how you are replying to your Mum. In a way, you aren't really lying then, are you? If you go along with what the Scriptures say about resurrection, you are "just not sure when that day will be." until she sees him again. Beautiful way to deal with the situation.
My Mum suffers from Alzheimer’s disease and my Dad was her full time carer. He died unexpectedly last week (19/6/18). I am finding the kindest way to respond when she asks, where is Dad?...is to say...Dad has just gone away for a time to have a well earned rest because he was really tired from taking care of us all. When she asks where has he gone, I say....I’m not exactly sure at the moment, but what I do know is that he’s in very good hands and being well taken care of. When she asks when will he back, I tell her I’m not exactly sure, but what I do know is that we will all get to see him again one day, I’m just not sure when that day will be. She seems happy with this explanation. When she asks again, I go through this routine then redirect the conversation to another subject. It’s a difficult situation, I don’t want to shock or upset her by saying words like died, death, funeral. It feels kinder for both our hearts to deal with her questions this way.
I would tell my husband that his mother was in Ireland or other great place having a great time, that she called and has bought him a beautiful Irish sweater and would be home soon. This made my husband happy and he felt relieved. In time I would have his mother become a world traveler and happy as can be. She would always be home soon and would call and come over with some fabulous gift for him. She had been dead over thirty yeqrs.
We were advised not to tell dad mom died. I didn't want to tell him anyway. Why bring massive pain to someone. The nurses said they wouldn't tell him either. Guess what. One of them did. I was furious. Luckily he didn't remember for long, and I wasn't there to see that. After awhile he stopped asking, so it worked itself out. I wouldn't want to keep hurting him over and over every time he asked. Why be that cruel?
It's not a lie. It's a fiblet. "Where's Mom?". "Oh, she had to go to the store. She should be back in a few minutes". Any answer that you know that he will understand and will make him happy.
No don't tell him. my mom used to ask that and i told her the truth a few times and upset her then i just started saying she was fine. she would ask to call her and i just said we will call later or she is not home now then change the subject. No reason to keep upsetting her
With my father in law I found it was best to go along with his allusions. The first time my father in law ask me to take him to see his mom I told him she was in heaven. His response to me was “GOOD GOD WOMAN!! IF YOU DONT WANT TO TAKE ME DONT, but DONT TELL ME MY MOTHER IS DEAD!!! From that moment on I decided I would go along with whatever to keep him calm. (BTW, I had my husband take him for a ride and he forgot all about seeing his mother).😉
I realize you asked this question long ago, but it was a very good one and I hope my two cents will help others. My husband recently died 8 years after an early-onset alzheimers diagnosis. Personally, I found that it was better for his happiness if I steered the conversation away from anything upsetting. I didn't tell him when his brother died, he could not attend the funeral and I saw no way it would have helped him. I didn't tell him that he couldn't come back home ever. I would say that he needed to keep focussing on getting stronger because right now he needed more care than I could give. Another thing I did was not answer instead re-directed like you would with a young child. That is what I would recommend to anyone dealing with the questions that will inevitably be repeated and repeated.
My mom asks about a lot of people. Her parents, her husbands, her in-laws, etc. I don't hesitate to tell her they have died and then we talk about them and pleasant memories of them. Sometimes she is sad, but most of the time we can have nice talks about them. She wants to know if she got to go to the funeral.
My Mom was worrying about a (deceased) friend asking if she was in the hospital. I told her “I am pretty sure she was released and went home already.“ The next day she was upset while trying to remember which hospital her (long deceased) friend was at. I told her that “after we have our lunch, I can look that up on the computer, OK?” Another little white lie I’ve used to comfort my Mom is just say “it’s too late to call today, let’s call her in the morning when we’re fresh.” I’ve also said “Your friend arrived safely, but it was such a long trip that she wants to rest. We can see her tomorrow.“ These seem to really work well to calm her anxiety and refocus to something happy!
Heck yes! Lie away with a clear conscience, because you are telling the whitest lie ever! Deflect - invent a situation (broken phone, temporary trip away with no phone, hearing aids broken - anything works if he/she wants to call them!) There is no value or use telling the truth when that only results in a recurring pain and heartbreak over and over for the now-fresh wound hearing of the death of their loved one. Each time they get that news, it is new and current... Hxxx yes - lovingly lie away!
I found this article about creation and use of a fiblet to offer a very helpful and refreshing perspective. The Imperfect Art of the Fiblet : A Case Study www.linkedin.com/pulse/imperfect-art-fiblet-case-study-hei-ja-martin-msw-lcsw/
My husband just mentioned his Mother and siblings who, except for one sister, have all passed away. He said he needed to go see his mother before she dies, as she is very old. She passed about 25 years ago, and his siblings at least 8-15 years ago. I am reading all of the answers myself. He was always pretty stoic about the deaths, but in his state now I am not sure at all what to expect. This is hard.
I am caring for my wife who has dementia, diabetes and heart trouble. Her good days are golden. She can still do the wash and clean house a little. I do the cooking. She enjoys shopping and I take her often, but she might pick up something we have no use for. I will put it back when she is not looking. If I tell her no, it will make her argue about not being able to get what she wants. So I don't go there, she will forget it in just a few minutes or might ask me what it is doing in the cart. This is my world.
I know it's hard to lie to a parent, but maybe you could stretch the truth a little. Can he remember things from visit to visit? If not then saying she is taken care of and is ok, but was unable to visit that day would be easier. Depending on your faith, Saying she is home (heaven) and can't wait to see him but couldn't make it would ease the burden of telling him the whole truth each time. Even saying she wants him to be well but couldn't come. Vary what you say each time. If he ever comes out and says that you always say that, (meaning she couldn't come) then explain the truth to him on that day. Make sure to get the nurses on your side so if he asks them they can say something similar. There is no sense having him get melancholy each time over something that cannot be fixed. I hope this helps in some small way
Yes, agree the sky is purple!! Their peace not yours. My beloved sister passed. Always just answer, she’s at work Mom, will call you after. It hurts the truth, so why?? You are not lying, you are protecting, okay??
Tell him she's at the store...orienting the person to time and place isn't a good idea and can cause heartache. Of course this is when they are far along.
Yes, you should lie to him. Why is repeatedly making him cry better than a fiblet? "She's great! She's fine and wants me to tell you she loves you." I would not have one bit of guilt.
Yes. I learned as an RN that "reality orientation" is no longer practiced. you need to "go into their world". Also, google and check out Teepa Snow. she is fabulous and has tons of free Youtube viedos for you to watch and learn about the changing brain as she calls it. you will love the info and delivery. she's a hott!
Ok, here's an example. My MIL (who died in 2011 of "Alzheimer's related complications,"), one day while she was still home with us, came out onto the side porch. Fortunately, I was nearby sweeping the sidewalk along the house. She came down the steps, and started around to the front of the house. I said, "Where are you headed?" She said, "Going down to see my Mom and Dad." (Long dead, they had lived in the small town in the valley below us, a few miles away.) I replied, "Oh, OK! Why don't we go back in and have some lunch first, then I'll drive you down there." She agreed to that, we had some lunch, put her soap opera on TV, and by that time she forgot all about it. Those kind of strategies worked every time.
I'm on board with lying about these things to someone who won't remember in 5 minutes that you told them their loved one died, and will ask again.
The biggest regret I have regarding a situation like this is insisting that my father's brother (who had severe dementia/Alz) be informed that my father had died. They were very close, and kept in touch via letters and phone calls (we lived several hundred miles apart) until my uncle was put into a nursing home because he could no longer live at home under the care of a neighbor/cousin who looked in on him every day and made sure he was taking his meds and eating. I discussed with my family whether we should tell our uncle about my father's death, and it was agreed he had the right to know. I called the cousin and asked him to break the news to him - the cousin was reluctant to do it, but I insisted on behalf of the family. I found out later just how bad my uncle's memory was - he kept asking, several times a day, how his brother was doing, because he hadn't heard from him for a while - and he would be told again that his brother had died, and he would experience the pain and grieving all over again. I am *SO* sorry we ever insisted that he be told. If I had that situation to do over, I would have had the cousin tell my uncle a "therapeutic lie" to avoid the pain he experienced. He died 9 months after my father. It was so unfair of us to do that to him in his last days, and I will regret it for the rest of my life.
Don't be afraid to lie to your loved one to save them pain when they have dementia or Alz and can't remember what's been said to them for more than a short time. Regardless of how you feel about lying, this is one kindness you can do them that God will understand - trust me.
Absolutely lie or change the subject. Why make people who are essentially suffering from an illness more unhappy. It took me a while to convince my husband that telling his mother the truth wasn't the best policy anymore. I am a very honest person in business and with everyone....but this is the case where honesty is NOT the best policy.
when my mum asks where my dad is i say you know where he is dont you..(i think she does deep down) he is with nanny and she is looking after him for us ..(nanny is her mum who died 48 years ago..its best not to mention the words dead or died..she accepts it better this way.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Just say she is sleeping. It's true. That is probably good enough. Then redirect.
The nurses said they wouldn't tell him either. Guess what. One of them did. I was furious. Luckily he didn't remember for long, and I wasn't there to see that. After awhile he stopped asking, so it worked itself out. I wouldn't want to keep hurting him over and over every time he asked. Why be that cruel?
Any answer that you know that he will understand and will make him happy.
People go to the grocery or next door or out to the yard for something and come back shortly ... you can say that.
"She's great! She's fine and wants me to tell you she loves you." I would not have one bit of guilt.
The biggest regret I have regarding a situation like this is insisting that my father's brother (who had severe dementia/Alz) be informed that my father had died. They were very close, and kept in touch via letters and phone calls (we lived several hundred miles apart) until my uncle was put into a nursing home because he could no longer live at home under the care of a neighbor/cousin who looked in on him every day and made sure he was taking his meds and eating. I discussed with my family whether we should tell our uncle about my father's death, and it was agreed he had the right to know. I called the cousin and asked him to break the news to him - the cousin was reluctant to do it, but I insisted on behalf of the family. I found out later just how bad my uncle's memory was - he kept asking, several times a day, how his brother was doing, because he hadn't heard from him for a while - and he would be told again that his brother had died, and he would experience the pain and grieving all over again. I am *SO* sorry we ever insisted that he be told. If I had that situation to do over, I would have had the cousin tell my uncle a "therapeutic lie" to avoid the pain he experienced. He died 9 months after my father. It was so unfair of us to do that to him in his last days, and I will regret it for the rest of my life.
Don't be afraid to lie to your loved one to save them pain when they have dementia or Alz and can't remember what's been said to them for more than a short time. Regardless of how you feel about lying, this is one kindness you can do them that God will understand - trust me.