My Mom lost her husband, my Dad in September to cancer. My husband and I live with her, we moved in to help my Mom take care of my Dad and now my husband and I are caring for my Mom, she has dementia symptoms but refuses to see a doctor or counselor, including to help with her grief. Her memory loss right now is only short term memory so she is okay staying alone. My Mom agreed over a month ago that she wanted us to get away for a mini getaway, so my husband and I made plans. Now she is telling her friends how disgusted she is with us for leaving her alone and doesn’t really want to talk to me or my husband. When I asked her if she’d like us to cancel our plans she said no, that even if we were home, she wouldn’t go anywhere with us. That as husband and wife we should go. I feel horrible for wanting to spend quality time with my husband. Am I wrong for wanting this? For leaving her alone for 2 days. We’re only going 45 minutes away. Thank you for your help.
This question tells me a lot. I believe that you need to take more control over the situation. What I hear you saying is that it is 'okay for you and your husband to expend the needed energy supporting/helping your mother and that you do not deserve (OR NEED) time outs / relaxation / resets. You do. Not only do you deserve it, it is required to keep going and function -- to take care of yourself and then to be able to care for your mother.
* Your mother may never be content or 'happy' with your support or ways you support / extend yourself.
* While her dementia may be mild or at beginning stages, she sounds like she has a lot of anger and perhaps 'prior' ability to manipulate you/r husband to do what she wants you to do (hence you asking the initial question above).
- YOU must set limits and boundaries and be clear with her. Put in writing so she can refer to it.
* As people age, they bring parts of their personalities with them (God help me) ... with their fears and awareness of losing independence.
If I were you, I would tell her (and write down) a schedule of YOUR PRIVATE TIME, i.e., taking off the weekend of . . . . away on the afternoon of . . . . Be sure to include weekly time outs. Put it on a calendar with LARGE RED LETTERS. As needed, get her a caregiver or housekeeper or someone to keep her company / talk to. Do not ask her. Bring someone in. You must take control of this situation as she sounds like she is acting like a hammer and you and your husband are the nails. Ouch.
* Realize she will only 'get worse' as time moves forward. She either decides she wants the two of you to assist her or not. Likely she will backdown as she won't want you to leave - and she may be shocked to hear that you might if you ask her "would you prefer we move out? [or do you want to make this living arrangement work for all of us?]
* While I would ask her to cease 'bad mouthing you' to the public, she may continue as she cannot help it / doesn't have the cognitive development or emotional maturity to stop. You will need to decide if you want to be around this and/or how to handle it. I would ignore it if I were you - it is another fight she wants to pick. She is angry and getting out her feelings - perhaps - the only way she knows how. By hurting you. You need to take control. Ask her to 'stop bad mouthing you' and see what she says / does. Tell this this is UNACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOR and that you will not tolerate it. She may be stunned to hear you say this. She may back down once you set your limits. You need to feel you deserve to be respected and appreciated. If you do not feel that way, she will continue to emotionally / verbally assault you. And none of us here, including you and your hubby, want that!
Gena / Touch Matters
Of course, you don't need to apologize to anyone for wanting a couple of days away with your husband. And your mother even approved it, once. Don't worry about what she says or what she tells her friends (who may well understand your need to get away, even if they don't say so... and if they don't...so what?).
Actually, this brief separation from Mom may be a way to prepare for the possibility of her needing assisted living at some time in the future. Hope you can relax and do something pleasant with your hubby on this "mini' vacation.
Of course she can get someone to stay with mommy. Mommy resists which is why daughter needs to take control, right?
Secondly inform her you are married to your husband not to her. You need time alone.
If she does not like that just inform her you will be looking for a pernament place to live and will visit her whenever.
How old is she and what type of dementia symptoms? And you say short term memory problems. Are you POA for her? Or is she responsible for herself?
I brought my mom over from another town to live with me about 4-5 years ago. She is 96 now. A couple of years ago, I was going back and forth between her house and mine to clear it out and get it ready to sell. The day I returned home, we were sitting in the living room.
I had found old letters from my dad (her deceased husband )from many years ago when he was overseas in the service..she was reading one, an hour after I got home, and something happened. She wound up having a heart attack and stroke, and spent a few weeks from hospital to rehab. (She wound up recovering totally... very lucky.)
What I realized was that although I had been preparing her medications in the dispensers for awhile, I had depended on her remembering to take her medications. She had very high blood pressure problems. I figured that she must have forgotten to take them and probably had a stroke. She had seemed to have minor short term memory problems, and I just had never thought about the possibility of that happening.
So, just saying, think about that in your planning time away for yourselves. And does she know not to answer door for strangers? Or not to give information to strangers over the phone?
Prepare, and go and have fun!
Already at some level she resents you being there. Fair enough, it’s her house, she’s lost control, and you don’t (and can’t) do exactly what she wants. Telling lies about you to people you both know is going to ruin a whole lot of relationships. Use your time away with your husband to think seriously about your own future. Be grateful that things have gone bad first, so that you can both enjoy yourselves and also be realistic about the future.
Mother is likely still grieving in her own way and does not want to be alone- but
she will have to accept it.
Kindly, and I stumble on this score too, with your mom's short term memory, how do you expect her to remember that she agreed to wanting you to get away. Come on.
My husband looks great and after 15 years of bizarro world I rarely but still forget and ask for his opinion, like an idiot.
How do you know she is telling her friends that she is disgusted? Do they come and tell you? Or, do you hear her saying this, say on a phone?
Some people are simple, and maybe with their own challenges. Or they don't have much of a repetoire of responses, or perhaps innocently, for lack of your type of experience/situation, and with good intentions, may think they are being helpful. Or maybe it's just another tentacle from the manipulation monster.
First of all, if these people are not helping to care for your mom or are kind friends they don't count.
I'm not suggesting that we are here to raise the world, but a little eye opening reality may paive the way to a better future with these sideline commentators.
Put your hand tenderly on their arm (or not), smile, and with great sympathy look into their eyes and say, "I'm sorry, I didn't know you weren't aware that mom has dementia". And then knit your eyebrows together with a slightly more serious look, still smiling, and barely tilt your head to gently indicate that you are considering that they too may be pitifully challenged.
You wrote, "I feel horrible for wanting to spend quality time with my husband".
Shame on you. For this you should feel guilty. You owe it to your marriage.
You're a good person who is feeling bad and sorry for your mom, and wrongly selfish, except to your husband.
Many people let their in-laws come into their home. Yes, yes it a blessing, but if you gave those kindhearted people a billion dollars don't you think that they, including you, wouldn't find other arrangements. Give your spouse a break.
In our world schedules are a must. Scheduling fun time is critical.
My mother makes my husband and I feel guilty EVERY TIME we leave the house as we took her car away 6 months ago (after a terrible car accident relating to her dementia). She constantly says “if I just had a car….I wouldn’t need to rely on you!”. We do include her in grocery store store runs and other smaller car trips. We bring her to our summer home on a lake (the entire summer)…yet when we try to go to a date night dinner, she invites herself and says we are being “mean” for not including her. We do stand our ground as we have to with her…..but sometimes the guilt is too much and I give in. We have a trip to St. Thomas in March for ourselves and we have decided we will not tell her until the day before we leave. My oldest son is here at the house so he will be here if she needs groceries or help. I am comfortable leaving my mom for up to 5-6 hours alone but it’s RARE.
I would suggest you do not mention your trip to your mother until she is on a “need to know” basis. Make sure you have a family member or friend who can look in on her or better yet…or have them sleep there with her. Don’t feel guilty!!!! You deserve a life as I am sure she had one with her husband when she was your age. My grandparents never lived with my parents….so my mom has no idea how she is coming across …..but honestly I am not sure it would make a difference. When they are older with dementia and lost a loved one….they can become quite selfish and don’t realize how they come across. Good luck to you both and please try to rid yourself of guilt and enjoy your trip! You deserve your happiness too. In order to be a good caregiver, you have to make time for yourself.
You are important to your husband and vice versa.
Take time to care for yourself and you will be happier. Let her complain to others, eventually, they will understand, if not who cares, they are not having your mother live with them.
Trust me I know, when we go away it is like heaven for my wife and me. 8 years of dad here has taken a toll on us. Getaway ASAP and relax for a weekend.
Go on the getaway. Absolutely. Plan the next trip as soon as you get back.
Take her on some trips or day trips too so she feels valued.
As for the emotional guilt trip, she will be totally fine. She may enjoy the break from you as well. You may feel badly when you hear her tell her friends she had a great weekend, but just chuckle and enjoy that she was happy.
You won’t relax, however, unless you have someone in place that can step into your shoes and check on her.
if you hire someone to be there the entire time, it will be worth every penny. If she is fine living alone a babysitter would be sufficient. If you don’t know who to call, you could call a nursing school or CNA certification school’s placement office and send a flyer for their bulletin board. This experience would also be resume building for them.
Putting her in a nursing home or plucking her out of her environment would be disorienting and could cause setbacks. She’s been through a lot of terrible change, so do let her stay at home in her familiar surroundings. This is a positive step toward emotional independence for her.
If she cannot stay at home safely alone, you must absolutely hire or arrange for someone or you could return to disaster.
If you simply don’t have the money, have friends or relatives help you out. You could exchange services such as childcare or pet sitting.
if she can safely, 100%, stay alone, have friends drop in to ensure she gets meds and meals. Ask them to text you a photo when they stop by.
You will be so happy and relaxed!
Your mom may not say nice things about your get away, thats okay. I hope you go and enjoy your time. Like you said it's just 2 days.
My point is GO - it's just a weekend and your Mom right now is at a place where she can take care of herself. In time, as she declines, you won't get these opportunities at all.
You can install wifi cameras around the house that you access from your phone. I like the Wyze brand on Amazon, simple to set up and very reasonably priced.
You can contact other family members and her friends and have them call and/or pop in on her. I'm sure you will be calling her a couple of times daily yourself.
She is used to you being there all the time and she is just feeling a little vulnerable, which is natural. A weekend getaway is a much needed gift to you and your husband. Enjoy it as much as you can!