My father does not like to cook. I make sure he has easy to make meals in his freezer for the times we might be going out to dinner or over to a friend's house for dinner. He lives in a father in law house that is attached to our house. 95% of the time he has dinner with my husband and I and is included when we have friends over for dinner. On the rare occasion we decided to just have my husband and myself and friends over to our house he feels I need to explain to him (give him a reason) why he is not being included. Even after I have explained it is nothing personal, we just feel that sometimes we want it to be just us. That is not good enough for him. I am afraid that I have created this monster and I need help in getting a part of my life back. I do want to be sensitive to my father's feelings but at the same time I do not feel that I need to explain myself. I felt bad telling him he was on his own for this dinner to begin with, he just made me feel worse by questioning me as to why he wasn’t being included. I am looking for ideas on how to handle this type of situation. Thank you
I agree.
The bottom line is that a good enough and competent parent, would not expect to be in the mix with their children's friend.
My teenage children frequently entertain their friends in our finished basement.
I do not expect to be invited, nor do I attempt to insert myself in the mix in order to have my children keep me entertained.
Unless this parent is mentally or physically disabled, their expectation is unrealistic and possibly abusive.
You are entitled to have your own friends.
It appears that all the attention you are already giving him, is not enough. It sounds as if it will never be enough.
Again, perhaps a psychologist can intervene and help him to understand that you and your husband need to be able to have your private time with friends and even each other.
This type of intrusive behavior on the part of unrealistic in-laws may and does often destroy marriages.
Lastly, even if does have dementia or alzheimers that is reason enough to not want to invite him.
His behaviors might alienate non-relatives or other in-laws.
Set boundaries with him, now. Otherwise he will just feel more and more entitled to control your time.
Tell your father although you enjoy his company, you also NEED private time to do your own things without him. TELL him you will have meals with him certain days of the week, and that's that.
As for ideas that you asked, you need a different mindset, one in which you don't think of yourself and your husband as chopped liver and your well being secondary to your father's, then act accordingly.
There is not an easy solution. my mother was always snooping into our business. if I even did not hide a letter she would just read it "Oh I thought you left the letter form J*** for me to read" "No Mum ididn't have time to hide it" "Oh dear what am I going to do if you go to A & B for Christmas. It just went on and on.
Now in your situation. I would start never including him in guest dinners. you should not need to go out. Can you get him to cook for you sometimes or even regularly. maybe set a certain night when you eat at his table not yours. "We have to work late on Thursday nights I have some salmon in the fridge maybe you can roast some potatoes and green beans and i"ll pick up a cake on the way home."
Or maybe "Dad we are having the Jones over on Saturday night and want to discuss some personal business with Bill over dinner. Perhaps you can come over and meet them over a drink before dinner or maybe join us for desert"
Perhaps be totally honest and tell Dad you are very happy he is so close to you but you do need some private time. it is nothing about you it is about us. We really eed some private time to have personal conversations. It is not about hiding things from you but you were married to Mom for X # of years and would not have wanted a third person to monitor your conversations."
Not easy to do so be consistent, set a pattern and stick to it.
I usually just go out and eat and not make a big deal of it. She always has meals in the fridge.
It’s hard because they are lonely at this point in their life, but it’s hard to change that.
Your life and time is just as valuable and important as his. Realize he’s going to be upset but establishing boundaries helps.
If your father does not have dementia or Alzheimers, perhaps you can bring him to a psychologist to sort out this issue.
It seems abnormal that your father would need to be invited to every gathering in your home with your friend, if he has his own apartment.
Also, perhaps he needs to visit a elder community organization so that he can have his own friends.
If he is physically disabled and can not leave the home, then it might be distressing for him to be excluded because he needs social stimulation.
If that is the case, going out to dinner with your friends is the best approach. You can always tell a white lie to your father and tell him you are going to a business meeting or a township meeting rather than socializing with friends.
If he is not mentally or physically disabled, however, you need to set boundaries.
He should not be expecting to be included every time you have guests to your home, if he has his own apartment.
I know I will be elderly someday, but I also know that if I am still mentally alert, I would never expect my child to invite me to all their gatherings.
I would just be grateful that they provided an apartment for me, if I needed it.
I won't however need that, because I have already made plans for my dotage. I do not want to be a burden to my children.
All my friends feel the same and have planned for their dotage, too.
So. There are you and your husband, hosting a nice dinner for your friends at your house. So far so good.
You often do include your father in these occasions; but just sometimes, fair enough, you want to hang out with your friends-and-contemporaries and at those times, you want your father to make himself scarce. Truth of it is, he's not welcome.
Why?
Well. Because he's of a different generation. Because his presence changes the ambience - not in a bad way, often in a good way, but it *changes* things. Because you, an adult woman, are still quite naturally going to feel inhibited by your father's being there - it puts constraints on what you can say and how you behave - goodness, maybe you'd just like to get completely sozzled once in a while and you won't enjoy yourself so freely if there's a pair of eyes on you behind which the person is thinking "I didn't bring her up to ruin her liver..."
But ALL of this still boils down to "you're not welcome."
Can't see how you can tell him that without hurting his feelings.
Does he ever go anywhere else? Does he have friends of his own?
He will understand if you just tell him the truth. Invite yourself and your family too his house behind your and that should help. If you didn't want him at your house everyday? Why did you put him in a FIL house behind your. Or I guess you can dig a mote around his house. 😊
I think the core issue is either a reluctance to set reasonable boundaries - Father has his own suite and doesn't (shouldn't, for your own peace of mind) need to be enmeshed in every aspect of your life - or Father's refusal to accept them, which is really all about establishing the ground rules of living together so that you (and importantly, your spouse) don't end up feeling like your home is no longer your own.
Imagine yourself sitting in a room alone, able to hear the voices and laughter of others in the home and having been told your presence in that company is not welcome - what would you feel? Would knowing that you were "usually" welcome make you feel any better? Wouldn't you want to understand why someone who loves you wants you to feel that way?
So how do you prevent your father from feeling isolated? Are there other family or his friends that could join your father in his suite when you entertain so your father doesn't feel alone? Could he visit with other family members in their home that evening? If entertaining your friends in a private setting is that important to you (and it's certainly understandable that it is), is there a hotel hospitality suite or private dining room you could engage?
i understand that you don't feel its "fair" that you cannot just entertain your friends in your home without this added complication but this is one of those real life situations that isn't "fair" to anyone. I encourage you to consider the golden rule and find a compromise that allows you to entertain while still showing compassion for your father.
How about instead of - there's dinner in your freezer; get him a special movie or 2 to watch. Redbox has cheap $2 rentals. Or invite over one of his friends to keep him company. Maybe on another night so your not shuttling someone after entertaining.
If not how about a senior center to get him out of the house? He might balk at first, but then like it once he makes friends.
Sometimes they have shuttles to and from, sometimes not.
Or say dad this is my time. How about we do a night just for you. Whatever you want to eat that night, and games, or a movie he wants. If you have tv that has the old time shows, maybe record one for him. That way he gets to feel special too.
What if he were to meet your friends? Does he go to bed early? Maybe he can hang out for a bit b4 he says goodnight. He probably feels you guys are having fun and he's missing out on a party. He might find out he doesn't know the people, and is not missing out on anything. Lol.
Let him know you know it’s hard but we never lose the duty to seek out our own companions. Say you’d like to work on this together; find social centers, church groups, or morning coffee meetups at cafes nearby. It’s natural, a lot of older folks just find it easier to have one ‘built in’ social group, but it isn’t enough.
Gosh, since her 60s Mom has tried to ramrod me into being her social everything, and we don’t even get along that well. She’d just like to hide from the social vulnerability of trying to connect with others. When she has a fit at my not agreeing with all her opinions or she says ‘You don’t know where I’m coming from,’ I say ‘You’re right! That’s why people seek out peers, more shared viewpoints!’ It’s a big reason why he should seek out a few nice people his own, to my mind.
Good luck! :)
You'll likely be in his shoes someday.
Grace + Peace,
Bob
Don't be at all defensive or apologetic when explaining this to him. Call the time you go out "date nights." You can explain/discuss this with him once or twice. Didn't he like to go out with just your mother sometimes? Then don't discuss it again. Just announce that you have a date night scheduled on Friday; he has that good bean soup in the freezer.
Do something similar with the times you have friends over. Perhaps call it Couples Night or Friends Time or Social Evening. Think up something that fits and use that term consistently to mean having friends over without other family there. Again, explain the need to socialize with people approximately your age, without an older audience. If he sometimes did social things without including your mother (poker, golf, hunting, etc.) remind him how nice it is to have time with friends, and that it certainly doesn't mean you like your family member any less. After a couple of explanations, just announce that you are having a Social Evening on Thursday, and suggest he might like to invite a friend over and order pizza in his place.
You could also mention what you are planning for the next meal, to remind him that he is still included. "We're having a date night Sunday morning. Don't eat too much while we are gone because I'm planning beef stroganoff for dinner."
Does he have any friends in your neighborhood or reasonably close? Encourage him to have his own social evenings (or afternoons, etc.) Perhaps you could offer to make a special snack, or simple meal for them (and not join them, of course). If he is at an age where many of his friends have died or moved out of state to be with their children or if moving to be close to you meant he left friends behind he can feel isolated. If you are his only social outlet and you are excluding him, my gosh, what is he going to do! Does he have his own social life now? Encouraging some activities that don't include you might be a good idea.
I'm wanting to have her stay a week at an AL facility for respite since we are considering facilities anyway. That way she can try it out and see if it's a good fit.
I'm having the same problem with not knowing how to tell her she can't come on vacation with us. I've thought about cancelling but hubby and I and family really need this.
Sounds like you too need to have the alone time with just your hubby and friends. I understand though about wanting to be sensitive. Sometimes with parents it's like we're teenagers again, having to sneak out.
Sure, being excluded from the odd meal isn't anything to get worked up over, but seniors are often socially or physically limited by what they can do and They Know It...your father might be bundling up worries about abandonment, you not 'really' wanting him around, even missing his own friends he no longer sees.
Be firm but compassionate; your father doesn't NEED to be involved in every single meal, but you're right in wanting to be sensitive about this.