He lives alone in NY in the house I grew up in. I live in the Midwest. My brother lives in PA and just saw him after 2+ years. My father was abusive to us growing up, so we don't have much of a relationship. My brother set up in home care prior to this and my father stopped it. He doesn't bathe, has typical hygiene issues for his age and refuses help. He is now worried about the tumor that he ignored for 2 years because it will probably take out his eye. He expects my brother to take care of this situation. My brother says he doesn't qualify for medical transportation for the radiation treatment and he won't let him hire private transportation because he doesn't trust anyone.
2 opinions say the tumor is too big and he is too old for them to take it out. Radiation is the only option, they say. Your kind feedback would be greatly appreciated.
I'm wondering if this the tip of an iceberg you are seeing here?
The tip being acute cancer treatment required : the mass below is that strong personality, stubborn, heels dug in, doing it his way.
Your father... has made himself Not Your Problem. Be sorry for his woes, as you would be (I assume) for any elderly gentleman in such a state of health and surroundings. But recognise that there's not a dam' thing you can do about it, even if you were inclined to try (which is a separate matter), and counsel your brother to accept the same crucial point.
Does your brother have access to support or advice from services in your father's location? - Social workers, service providers and the like? I'd query the transportation issue, for example: surely the clinic where the radiation is actually carried out must know how their patients come and go day after day, and have inside information and suggestions to offer.
Taking this in fact as the working example: "My brother says he doesn't qualify for medical transportation for the radiation treatment and he wont let him hire private transportation because he doesn't trust anyone." So: your brother's response to this must be "okay. No medical transportation. You won't allow me to hire private services. So what's your solution? How will you get yourself to treatment every day for six weeks?"
If Dad's solution is that your brother drives him, your brother puts on the broken record of "no, I'm not available." Not for discussion, no arguing, no explanation of why he isn't available. Just no.
Your brother and you have zero obligation to "take care of this" for him. That's what money is for, to pay for care.
Just because your father wants YOUR services for free doesn’t make it your obligation.
Just thought I'd share that story with you. It's often a better idea to let nature take its course than to subject an elder to cancer treatments of any kind. If dad is adamant, he should find his own transportation and that may dissuade him after a couple visits
Good luck
Dad can call where he will get the radiation treatments and ask if transportation can be provided. If not, maybe they can give him info on how to find transportation. His County Office of Aging maybe able to help with transportation. Red Cross or United way. If he belongs to a Church, maybe there are volunteers.
Love what CM said "Be sorry for his woes, as you would be (I assume) for any elderly gentleman in such a state of health and surroundings."
Love it when people have been abusive or don't care about their own kids or other people and then they get old and expect their kids or others to care for them. You reap what you sow. My favorite "what goes around comes around".
Call his County Office of Aging and tell them that Dad needs help and because of estrangement neither you or brother can care for him. He needs help that living in another state you cannot help him with and neither can his son. Their is no law that says a child has to care for a parent. If Dad needs 24/7 care the State can take over his care.