I am the sole occasional caregiver (couple times a week) for my 97 year old mother. She lives alone at home and has been mostly able to take care of herself until recently. She is highly narcissistic and reclusive and will not consider any other form of help other than myself (her late 60s son). She won't use senior transportation and refuses any available in-home services. Too inconvenient, and they don't cater to her Royal Highness enough. No other family members (including one sibling of mine) local to her will contact her, visit, or help her and haven't done so for more than a decade. I really can't blame them!
She is as physically deteriorated as her home (classic isolated cat lady). She is 95% deaf, making communication frustrating. She's also 90% blind with severe cataracts. She has refused corrective surgery for over 25 years! No doctor or hospital is good enough for her. She's an avid reader and has done so for many years with the aid of custom magnifiers that I made for her. Her general cognitive state is still good, although she's an emotional mess. She's refused to make or keep doctor's appointments for over two years now. I make them, she cancels them. It's a control issue. She can't give it up for the half-hour the surgery would take, nor does she want to risk hearing the doctor say something she doesn't want to hear. Recently she's exhibited serious fatigue and balance issues, and is a severe fall risk due to the condition of her home.
That home is severely deteriorated due to minimal maintenance or renovations other than what I've done for decades (I'm handy and cheap). The yards are badly overgrown and I have to periodically deal with the city's citations about it (which she ignores). She wants it this way as a green barrier against the outside world.
The main issue is that she is wealthy, and could EASILY afford a high end elder care service such as assisted living, a better home, etc. She will not spend any of it for any reason, not even for herself. I share many of those investment accounts jointly with her, but can't use them for either of us due to her refusal to release any of them (two signature requirement). Her long-time mantras over the decades include, 'You must never take out from your investments, it takes money to make money,' and 'I have enough money to make your life miserable.' Maintaining control over her life is more important to her than preserving that life. She reacts badly to any attempt to do something for her that she doesn't specifically want.
Any advice on resources, legal, financial, and mental health support would be appreciated. Thanks!
Let's remember our parents were the children of the Great Depression, so they were saving every penny, and living below their means. Which is a good thing, except when they refused to use said funds for helping themselves.
I really believe that our parents still see us as still being in our 20's or 30's. Even waving my Medicare card and AARP membership didn't make a dent in my Mom's thinking.
Be grateful your Mom is cancelling those doctor's appointments. My Mom was the opposite, she had specialist for everything and made appointments numerous times a year. And she made appointments for my Dad for his specialists. It got to a point where I wanted to scream if I saw one more waiting room.
Sadly, many of us here on the forum had to wait for a serious illness or fall where 911 is called, then a transfer to rehab, then a transfer to a nursing home.
When you put it to her in those terms, she may reconsider her 'stubbornness' and start cosigning checks. If not, it's only a matter of time before a crisis occurs and then the powers that be make the decisions FOR her.
What seniors 'want' and what they 'need' are most often two different matters entirely. They need to be shown the light by their loved ones who DO hold a lot of the cards, but are often afraid to exert their power. Your power lies in using the word No. Try it and see what happens.
Your other option is to call APS to do a wellness check on her. They go in to her house, see the conditions she's living in, and her general deteriorated health, and force her into managed care. But that is harsher, b/c it can be viewed as a betrayal, even when it's done to HELP a loved one who's living in terrible conditions and refusing to help themselves.
Last but not least, perhaps a consult with a Certified Elder Care attorney would be a good idea. That attorney may be able to advise you of your rights with regard to these joint investment accounts and if you could possibly liquidate any of them w/o her approval. Probably not, but one never knows. Your mother's competence is questionable here, really, due to how she's living and her refusal to spend any money on her home and herself. If she's deemed incompetent, YOU get to make ALL decisions FOR her.
Best of luck!
The Certified Elder Care attorney is an excellent idea. I never needed a lawyer before, any suggestions on finding a good one?