Mother's Day. Any suggestions?

I thought I would update. I made brunch and my husband and I ate ours at home with a mimosa.
We took Moms brunch over and I fed her then my six local grandkids came and raided the candy jar 😂
we came back to my home and we watched the kids while my son and DIL went to a movie.

i hope everyone had a wonderful Mothers Day and I feel for all who find this to be a sad and frustrating experience. It is truly terrible for so many

At my parents ALF I will have little Mother's Day tea with my Mom and Dad.
Just a couple of hours. Then I will celebrate at home with my family.

We'll 'celebrate' Mother's Day on Saturday and Sunday is DH's 'turn' at his mom's.

IDK if he'll get her a gift, there's not a dang thing she needs or wants.

Personally? I HATE this fake holiday with a mad vengeance. I will take flowers to mom and my grandma's graves and spend the day with a good book.

DH asked me last night “ Do we have a Mother’s Day card ? “ ( to send to his mother ) I said “Nope , I don’t have a mother anymore so I don’t think to go buy them anymore”. Guess who is running out buying , signing ( forging ) and putting a card in the mail today , and it will still be late.

Oh no. Mother’s Day again. Why, why? Must we? (Sigh)

Bumping this up. Wanted to share something kinda funny. Last Sunday I gave mom her mother's day card, she loved it. My sister never called to say happy MD and thought that was very rude. Until I texted a friend to ask about her day. Duh! MD is this Sunday lol. Mom keeps reminding me about my mistake

Did you ever think about hiring a care giver for a few hours or for the holidays you would like to spend with the grandkids.
There are lots of caregivers out there to help out.

Will Mom be aware it’s Mother’s Day ?
Can you visit her the day before and bring her a nice mother/daughter lunch to share ?

Get catering and reserve a room at the facility your mom is at. You don't need to knock yourself out for it to be a nice event for her. Your siblings aren't! Then spend the rest of the day with your grandkids.

The mc where my mom lives is having brunch the Saturday before. Her meal is included, $20 for me to attend and eat. Completely worth it.

we all have a choice inside of us that no one can take away and now you are courageous to make it, as your siblings have shown you how to do that. they make their own choices by prioritizing. your days come first. then family. then mother who has professionals. make a plan to visit your mom on your favorite number between 1 and 28. then use that number as your visit day with mom each month. if your fave number is 4, then that is your day with mom and if you have something already priorirzed on that day then you have to wait until next month on that day. try it. you need to use your choices now. also pick a time of day that is special for you, like morning tea or evenung prayers this will specify your special time w mom. own it. make it yours. momis proud of you.

You know we cannot let the world tell us when to have Mothers Day! I have to share my grands with the other grandparents and because we are X's we don't social with each other. This is fine. The terms of the separation were that each parent gets half of each holiday. Well that doesn't always work for the grands and why interrupt their day for our pleasure. So I have decided that having Mothers Day for me will be when they can come or when I can get away. I am NOT going to let the world tell me when to celebrate - It's my day, it's my birthday, it's my Mothers Day, it's my Christmas, and it's even my New Year! I pray that you get YOUR day!

You have a right to have a day to yourself. As a former military service member and spouse of a military service member, we frequently had to celebrate on a day our of choosing and not the "actual day" of the celebration. Doing something like this might be helpful for you. As for "feeling slighted" by family member or others, let it go. It doesn't change their behavior, it only ruins your day.

Surviving and Jamesj, you are spot on when you say, "I don’t wait for anyone to make plans or step up anymore. I do what I am comfortable with and that is it!" and "My brother... just shows up with a big ass card and some cheap flowers from the grocery and everyone swoons."
Aside from being responsible for daily care, we are also supposed to be responsible for asking - repeatedly - for help. I'm tired of that, too. Very few volunteer offers from siblings come along, and when they do, they are considered saints. At this point, the key to happiness is not to expect a blankety-blank thing from anyone. I must remind myself of this every so often.

I deal with this all the time. My brother expects me to plan, cook, transport mom to and fro and he just shows up with a big ass card and some cheap flowers from the grocery and everyone swoons.

You need to celebrate mothers day with your mom the day before or the weekend before. Take a picnic basket brunch to her and have a little party with just the two of you. Then on mothers day, have your own day. When the family (your sister) contacts you to say "hey what is the plan for mom on mothers day?" just tell her you have already celebrated with her, so whatever she chooses to do with her is her business.

I am so empty. Sitting here typing this while my Ex-Wife is laying in our bed and who is dying, ive been her caregiver since 2016 Dementia near as I can remember she does not know me, and has not for the past couple of years. The reason she is my ExWife and I am her caretaker is there is no one else to stepup. Oh' she has children, one who live's here with us, who has nothing but distain for her Mother.
Two other Boys out of state, who never call, on birthdays, or any of the holidays, who send a trinket of flowers on mothersday, other than than NOTHING, they could careless. As we all know this mothersday is 12 days away, I really dont think my best friend, and someone I truly do care for deeply, will make it to this day of celebration. I am so angry at the three of her children I bite my tongue.
I have been thinking when the Trinket of Roses gets delivered on Sunday May12, of just meeting the florest at the door and placing the item directly into the trash, as my dearest at this state will not know the reason for this sudden and unexpected gift. She does speak of her sons, I dont believe they ever give her a thought. The reason I believe my dearest is dying as she has been asleep for nearly 24hrs, I wipe her brow with a cool moist towel, and feed her ice chips to moisten her lips and tongue, her daughter has not even ventured in to check on her mom.
Yes, Im angry, Im hurt, and I have a broken heart. I just dont know how Im ever going to move on.

To: @Grandmaofeight
I can relate as I am hurt way beyond Pissed. "is it wrong to be pissed at the one sister who has a grown daughter, is retired and has never.....:

Go ahead and vent. We all have vented from time to time.

Grandma did all the family dinners. Then when she became too old my mom took over. When mom became too old, I took over.

It is exhausting. I grew tired of it and decided to stop hosting all of the holiday meals. Sometimes, we have to break cycles to find peace in our lives.

I didn’t ask my brothers or their wives to help. I just told my mom and brothers that I had enough to do caring for my mom and therefore; I was going to stop hosting all of the holiday meals.

LOL, my younger brother must not have taken me seriously because when Thanksgiving rolled around he called my mother and asked what time was I serving dinner. Mom said that she would get back to him.

Then mom said to me that he was expecting dinner. I told mom that he could expect dinner all he wanted but that I wasn’t going to be hosting large holiday gatherings any longer.

So, mom called him back and told him to feed himself because my cooking for the holidays were over.

My advice to you is to do the same. Why do something with resentment in your heart? Just quit hosting meals or host a potluck dinner party. I know plenty of families who do potlucks and love it!

Have you flat out asked your sister to come out and help or was it only a suggestion? Could she have “helped” one time and then there was a lot of criticism after she came?

Assuming not, you are wasting your energy with your sister.

Make every day with your Mom a special day. If you want to do something really special, do it on the day before or the day after and celebrate the “holiday” multiple times. Think about how married couples do it where there are 2 sets of parents and each parent wants their own special time on with the married couple on that “holiday”.

Thankfully, your Mom is in managed care where her needs are taken care of. Therefore you do NOT have to be there 24 x 7.

It is okay….celebrate the actual day around just yourself, then celebrate the day again with your Mom. It is kind of like having multiple birthday parties!

P.S. are the grandkids old enough so that you can celebrate Mother’s Day with all the generations together? Perhaps there is an activity room in the facility that would accommodate all of you? Most of the people in my Mom’s Memory Care unit would just be happy to watch all the activity. They don’t care about the cake or the food; they just want to be somewhere different that has happy people.

PPS. Please take care of yourself. Make the time with your Mom quality time and give some quality time to yourself too. I suspect you have reached burnout…

Grandmaofeight: Perhaps you can see your mother on the day before.

I am and have been the sole caregiver for my Mom for the past 3 years. I have two sisters that contribute minimal to Mom’s care. Their choice.
I have asked for many things and always get told no for many different reasons. I hire the help I need using Mom’s money of course. Sisters won’t pitch in money either.
My sisters never did a Holiday with my Mom in the past 3 years and come to think of it I did most, if not all Holidays over the years when Mom was younger and Dad was alive. I am the youngest by the way.
Bottom line for me is that they (sisters) will do what they want and won’t do what they want. Nothing more to it really. You should do what makes you happy. If spending Mother’s Day with your mother is the answer then do it! If spending time the day before or after with her is it for you then do that!
I don’t wait for anyone to make plans or step up anymore. I do what I am comfortable with and that is it!
Recently I was invited to my sister’s grandson’s baptism. I chose not to attend. Because I did not attend no one stepped up to bring my Mother so she didn’t attend either. (I’m sure I was invited so I would bring Mom). I said to my husband that I felt bad Mom couldn’t go cause I didn’t go. His response to me was that it isn’t my responsibility and he is 100% correct! Just because I have taken on the job of being Mom’s caregiver doesn’t mean I am responsible for all the other things. After all, she has two other daughters, and they could have picked her up, but they chose not to. That is on them.
I think as caregivers we tend to take on all the responsibility that goes with it and sometimes we have to step away and do what is right for us at that time. Let the chips fall where they may. My Mom knows I am there for her and that is what matters to me the most.
Best wishes for a Happy Peaceful Mother’s Day no matter how YOU choose to spend it!

If mom is in a home, make Saturday a special day for her, you do not owe any one an answer why Saturday, then treat your self to a special mothersday on Sunday. If mom asks, just tell her this is the way you decided this year. Don’t be a holiday slave. It is what it is and in the end you will be glad you stood your ground.

You are doing more than venting. You want support and that is fine and good that you are asking. And this is a good forum to vent, too.

It sounds to me like you are trying to 'do' so much for others that you do not 'do' for yourself. Put yourself first.

You 'do' not need to coordinate care for everyone 'else.'
I gave up believing / bowing to the marketing of created holidays decades ago. It is a way for businesses to make money. This isn't to say that mother's day is to be ignored. I would change it to a "MOTHERS EVERYDAY" - which is true. To be broader in interpretation, honor parents who are healing, loving, encouraging, supportive, 365 days a year. Not one day a year.

How does this apply / relate to you/r feelings / question / comment here?

You can create a "Mother's Day" for yourself based on the calendar if you choose to do so ... You can celebrate / create 'do' a 'Mother's Day" for your mom on another day.

If you want a 'Mother's Day' to yourself - give this GIFT to yourself. Feel / believe that you deserve it. You do.

Do. e-x-a-c-t-l-y what you want on this day.

Make it y-o-u-r day - a day to remember for the entire year ...
then next year do it again !

What do YOU want to do for you? Be creative ... out of the box. There are no limits. Find your peace and inner contentent and joy.

Response to: "is it wrong to be pissed at the one sister who has a grown daughter, is retired and has never given up one holiday to let me have one all to my self?

1) No: there is no 'right' or 'wrong' - it is all about how you feel. Honor your feelings, examine them, change them. Take out the judgment. Be with your feelings as an observer.

2) Anger is healthy when expressed in healthy ways. To set yourself up to make anger 'right' or 'wrong' will / creates one of your beliefs ... it 'is' right or wrong ... when (I believe) it is honoring how you feel that is 'right,' regardless of how you feel. Honor yourself by understanding your feelings, allow them to be there.

2a) The gold nugget here is that YOU feel anger is not okay for you ... ask yourself why you feel this way. Question your responses and know that you can shift / change by awareness and choice.

3) Do not give your personal power away to 'us' asking 'us' (if it is okay to feel xxx). You feel xxx. Period. Go inside and you will find your answers.
You may find some of your healing / answers inside when you ask yourself why you are asking us if it is 'wrong to be pissed...

4) I would add that while you may feel pissed at your sister, she is doing what she wants for herself - be in selfish in your eyes or selfless. The lesson here for you to possibly realize is why and how she does what SHE wants and YOU do not. Is she a happier / more content person for being as she is ? Perhaps or perhaps not - and that doesn't matter. She has to live in herself with her decisions, as you / we all do.

And ... perhaps part of this discussion is that we all need to 'accept what is,' whether we like it or not ... then we need to (forgive) LET IT GO and move on. Otherwise, we get stuck in it ... and who suffers? Your sister? No. You. Don't hold on to resentments. You can learn to let go and move on. It is a process when we become aware that we have a choice to do so. It is a matter of 'refocusing' our thoughts / intentions. It is ... a discipline of sorts. It is a process of REWIRING OUR brain neurons ... (See / google Rick Hansen, Linda Graham - get their book(s) -

In other words, trust yourself and (re-think/tweak) forget the man-made calendar of holidays.

Create a holiday celebration whenever and however you want.

Gena / Touch Matters

See Lymie61's response below because it is perfect. Celebrating a holiday or Mother's day does not have to be on the exact date. For my parents & husband's aunt we honored the day before, picked up a special lunch and visited.

Doing this allowed us to visit with our children & grandchildren. It's high time you spent the day the way you choose!

No it’s not wrong to want your own Mothers Day, in fact it’s very rite, yes it might be a bit misguided to focus the problem on your sister. It’s obviously been important to you to have the family together for all the holidays, including Mothers Day so you took it on. Yes your sister could have offered to host one of them but why would she when you cover it so well? These things have a way of becoming tradition in families and everyone just assumes the focal hosting family doesn’t want to give it up.

Your mom has other children and you can each choose what you want to do to recognize the day or not. You recognize your mother, your children recognize you and now their children regongnize their mothers. Grandmothers often get included when the kids are young so time for you to reap the benefits of wing included in your grandchildren’s Mothers Day appreciation. Your mom is now bedridden in a facility that takes good care of her, she isn’t ignored like many residents likely are, she is visited and thought of often. Take her a plant or flowers or something on Sat and if she asks tell her you aren’t hosting this year you are relaxing and taking in the benefits of your own grandchildren. I would hope that if she is able cognitively she will appreciate and maybe even be relieved that you are getting a day of recognition for a change. If she isn’t able to recognize the significance she probably isn’t able to really appreciate what the difference is between Sat or Mon and Sun.

Your siblings and their families can choose to honor her or not with a visit themselves, you do t need to take care of them by making sure it happens you only need to take care of yourself and your needs to recognize or not and how. Seems to me it would probably be much easier on Mom at this point too if she just stays in place and gets phone calls or spread out visits rather than a lot of activity and physical exertion given she’s in bed most of the time now. The energy it takes for our slower moving elders, especially when bed bound, to visit even if they don’t have to move is something we often don’t recognize. It’s hard for us to appreciate just how tiering even welcome visits can be. Maybe you wanting your day will be the perfect excuse for letting mom off the hook, if one of your siblings doesn’t like it they can choose to plan something.

So many of us similar situations. It’s not wrong to be upset. The workloads and sacrifices never seem to balance out. At least you know you have done your best to be sure your mom has company on the holidays.

If I were you I would visit mom on Saturday with a gift and maybe her favorite treat if it’s allowed in her diet. I don’t think you honoring her for Mother’s Day has to be exactly that day. Then have your special day with your family and try not to feel bad. You could swing by later in the day for a quick hello if there is time,

My mom passed 1-1/2 year ago and these have been my first mother’s days where I was not in the same predicament as you. I always felt terrible if I didn’t make the 150 mile round trip visit to see my mom especially since her birthday often fell on that day.

To make this all worse is my daughter passed away in 2016 so Mother’s Day is especially difficult. I’m so glad I’m not making that drive to see mom and I can do as I need for myself. It was so difficult to try and see she was honored on that day (I have two brothers who lived near her, one would do something, the other did nothing) and be grieving my daughter.

I also made these drives on Christmas and Thanksgiving. On those days we would drive to her house, pick her up, bring her to our home, make the holiday dinners and all the other holiday stuff then drive her home. 150 mile round trip. This was 600 miles of driving for each holiday. Neither brother who lived near her ever said “Don’t take mom this year because we want to take her”. I was always worried she would be alone.

So you are not alone in these crazy predicaments.

Good luck and have a nice Mother’s Day.

Q: Is it wrong to be pissed at the one sister who has never given up one holiday?

a) Not really
b) No
c) Hell no
d) all of the above

Spend it with your Mom on Saturday, and enjoy Sunday with your family.

You can ask your sisters to step up this Mother's Day too - sometimes we complain but do not ask specifically for the favor we want. It's worth a try.

I am a 60-year-old male (my pronouns are guy and man) and have no children, but I own a boutique home healthcare agency in Boca Raton, FL so I will speak from that perspective...

Anyone who is a caregiver for their adult parents is a hero! I always remind the children of my clients that they didn't come with an instruction book when they were born and their parents didn't write one to cover their old age. Taking care of your parents is like trying to build an airplane while it's already in the air - or having to take the test without reading the study guide...

Mother's Day should be (and can be) celebrated 365 days a year. Just because the greeting card company says it's one Sunday doesn't mean you can't have a Mother's Day with your mom, a Grandma's Day with the grandkids, and a "Me Day" at the spa...

You don't need to wait until May to honor your mother. Bring her flowers, buy her a gift, give her a hug just "because it's Tuesday". Acknowledge her and thank her for the profound privilege it has been to be her child. Reminisce with her and let her know she "got her job done"! That's the greatest compliment you could give a parent and what they are waiting to hear!

I promise if you begin to do that, your job as a caregiver will get 10 times more meaningful and fulfilling, and 10 times easier!!!

As for your sister, she's not going to change. The easiest way to handle her is simply to say, in a straight and matter-of-fact way, "I'm doing "X". I need you to do "Y", then shut up and listen.

If she says no, ask her to send you a check to cover the cost of hiring someone to do "Y". Don't bring any drama, upset, or judgment to the conversation. If she says no, just keep asking until she says yes or starts writing checks...

Let's just say I can relate. I have worked on many a Mother's Day before I retired. I am an only child have two grown sons. Last year was the first time in about 10 years that I got a mother's day card. Sometimes you just want some peace of mind, nothing wrong in wanting a day to yourself. Do not feel guilty. Honor your own mom first, then it is your turn to honor yourself. I'm with you on this. Go for it.

I must be a bad daughter. I don't think I've ever celebrated Mother's Day with my own mother on the day, once I became a mother myself (maybe even once I married?). I certainly won't deny the possibility. But I can't be the only one. My mom's birthday is also in May, right before Mother's Day, and I usually pick a day in between to bring presents and maybe take her to lunch. She's never complained. She does have two sons and grandchildren who live locally and I know they acknowledge these days in some way as well. But honestly, I don't know exactly what happens on the day itself. My parents were divorced, so maybe Mom is just used to celebrating holidays on alternate days sometimes.

All this is to say, why does it have to be THIS day? Can you see your mom on Saturday and do something with your grandchildren on Sunday, or vice versa? I understand the stress and bother of always having to make these days special for everyone, I guess I've always chalked that up to being a woman with a family. But do take the time to do what brings you joy! Happy Mother's Day to you.

What do your kids do for you on Mother's Day? Is that what you mean by having a Mother's Day to yourself?

Why can't you do something with your parents at another time? It sounds like you do all the organizing and work for a big brunch for your kids and grandkids in honor of your mother?

And you do this kind of thing for every holiday?

When my mother turned 90, I think my brothers expected me to arrange something. I decided that each of my brothers could make their own plans. They could come and visit her that summer, so that she got to spend quality time with them (and their kids, if possible).

Why? If no one else will do it, then that's what should happen. Let every person do their own thing with the elders.