My husband and I have been caregivers for his mother for 18 years. She had a major stroke at age 50 and lives in a care facility close to our home. With his siblings all living out of state, we have performed all the caregiving roles alone over the years while raising two daughters. Our youngest is now about to graduate from high school, and although our caregiving duties remain, we have been looking forward to this next chapter in our lives which we hoped would provide just a little more freedom.
My parents, however, are now in declining health and are insisting I begin to provide care for them. My mother is a chronic pain sufferer and my dad is physically well but lonely and demanding. They both expect weekly visits, help with household chores, and accompaniment to doctor appointments. My brother thinks we can share the responsibilities -- he lives in the same town as them and I live 30 minutes away. Of course I must continue to care for my mother-in-law (she calls 10 times a day, requires several visits a week, has multiple doctor's visits a month, etc.)
When I think about what is being asked of me, I don't think I can handle it. I also am slightly resentful. My dad was abusive to me growing up. In addition, my mother never helped me with my kids at all even though I was often overwhelmed throughout my 20s and 30s with caregiving. I can count on one hand the number of times she took care of my kids for a few hours the entire time they were growing up.
I now feel trapped by the prospect of caring for my parents.... I love them but I don't think I can do this again. What would you do?
Why are you pandering to your MIL? Where is your husband? If your MIL is living in a care facility, she doesn't need numerous visits every week. She also doesn't have to call you 10x a day. Give her your husband's cell phone number & tell her to call him. Let her know that you will only answer one call a day from her. You could even go as far as blocking her number. Doctor's visits should be made so that she can see more than one doctor in one day, so when you're done with one doctor she can go right on to the next doctor & you don't have to ruin multiple days with doctor's visits.
I totally understand caring for an elderly parent with chronic pain. In the last few months, I have been consumed with my 86 year old mother who has severe spinal stenosis in 4 levels of her lumbar spine & severe hearing loss. I work full time, and on my days off I can't do anything for myself---I run her to doctors, to the hearing aid place, drop off & pick up prescriptions for her, do all of the grocery shopping (she lives with me), the cleaning, laundry, etc. I do her hair every Saturday morning. I change her pain patch every 3rd day. I put up the Christmas tree by myself & did all the outside decorations & lights. (I'll also have to take everything down by myself.) I cleaned out the gutters. I made Christmas cookies. I am not married & have no children. I have 2 brothers----one lives 2,000 miles away & the other lives 20 minutes away. Neither of them are involved in her care or anything else. It's all me. I want to do things for her & take care of her, but I have also learned that I must set limits. She has become more demanding in her older years & seemingly has forgotten the words "Please" and Thank You". I often have to remind her about that. However, my mother has helped me out tremendously throughout the years & I stand to inherit everything she's got. I do not keep it a secret when she's getting on my nerves, getting too demanding, expressing her overzealous expectations & pissing me off. One person has finite abilities---there are only 24 hours in a day. I try to put myself in her shoes & understand how it feels to lose independence, have your body break down, not be in control of things anymore & not be able to do the things you used to do.
If your parents need help with the housework, then they should hire a cleaning person. That's what anyone would do if they needed help with the housework. You are not their maid. If they are of sound mind, they also don't need routine weekly visits. You're not the cruise director. They got married because they loved each other & vowed to be together forever. That includes when they get older & need companionship. Do they need someone to accompany them to doctor's appointments because they need a ride or because they don't understand what's going on? If they need a ride, most towns/cities offer public transportation specifically for medical reasons. (For example, if someone has to get to dialysis & cannot drive themselves there.) Don't make decisions because you're resentful about how your father treated you or that your mom didn't help out with your kids. Make your decisions based on how you want your life to be.
When our parents get old, they forget what they did or didn't do when everybody was younger. They seem to forget not helping out with their grandchildren yet expect you to drop everything for them. You have to let them know that you have a life too, & you're not going to not live your life so they can live theirs. They already enjoyed their retirement & you want to enjoy yours. There is nothing wrong with letting them know this. Their expectations that you will be at their beck & call are misplaced, & you should tell them that.
Please don't tell me you're falling for that one. I may be wronging him - I hope I am - but when you look back ten years from now if he's done half the work I'll eat my hat. In my experience when men cook one meal in thirty, they're "sharing" the cooking. If they can identify the washing machine, they "share" the laundry. If they've ever changed a nappy, then "we both take care of the kids." Your brother's fair share will be done in what time remains to him when he's not busy doing something else. Whereas you're a lady of leisure, aren't you? Guess who your parents are going to call?
I think you need to talk frankly to your brother - not about the prejudiced spleen I've just come up with, for which I apologise and can't think what came over me, but about your honest feelings about taking on this commitment to your parents. If it weren't for your brother's actually rather touching wish to take care of them, I'd have no difficulty in suggesting that you laugh loudly at your parents' demands and absent yourself. But your brother complicates matters, and what you need is a united front with him in encouraging your parents to make independent plans for their later years. Nobody can oblige you to volunteer.
Two weeks ago Dad [93] was caulking their bathtub, and some how he hurt his ankle... oh he whined about that ankle and I offered to take him to the walk-in clinic but he refused. Then I mentioned since he is such good friends with the plumbers he use, why didn't he call them to do the caulking? Oh, he didn't want to pay them to do something he could do himself. I was thinking was that hurt ankle worth it???
What's past is past, let it go. Heck my MIL NEVER babysat the kids. She was in Florida January through April and at her summer cottage May-October. When she tells me she took care of her mother every day, I tell her "No you didn't, you weren't even in town 8 months of the year." Set the record straight.
The plumber did cost too much, but it was nice not having to do these things myself. The repairs would have taken me all morning. The plumber knocked everything out in less than an hour.
I know my parents [in their mid-90's] might probably want me to be their prime Caregiver if they can no longer care for themselves.... but now I am too old myself to do that type of work, I have my own age related declines.... just being being my parent's taxi has exhausted me to a point of no return.
what is the relationship now between you and your brother? Once your parents are gone, it will be you and him left in your nuclear family. Do you have a good relationship that is worth transitioning into the parental caregiving role he envisions being shared between you? Does he have support other than you and your husband to accomplish this caregiving goal? A realistic sitdown meeting to discuss what he "thinks" they will need/want and what you "know" after 18 years of caregiving for your MIL that they will need/want is a MUST. for example, Will sharing responsibilities be reduced by the hour's travel time for each visit? I have found that siblings can be oh-so generous with my time and gasoline. He is probably looking at the fact that you are "an expert" and "so good at your MIL" that you can easily take on another geriatric child. Or two - NOT.
Good intentions, especially if the actual elder caregiving was NEVER given in your direct family, are not always based in a realistic understanding of the time and labor required. Your brother probably has no concrete concept of the demands of healthcare, house maintenance, and appointments elder care will require. If he works, who is taking them around? you on your off days from the MIL? Will your parents be willing to give up POA and move to assisted living when you cannot maintain the 4 separate households for you, your brother, your MIL and parents? Will your husband be willing to support caring for your parents in addition to his mother?
Read some of the threads talking about narcissistic parents. There is never enough time for one, much less the three you are looking at. Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. This is not just caregiving for your parents - if you leave your brother alone in the task, you need to talk about why. Or you become the selfish sibling called out on multiple threads unwilling to step up for relatives. Your abuse history with parents may not be known by the sibling so the reluctance to caregive is not understood.
BTW Your MIL needs boundaries, too. If you want to have any life left, you have every reason to put them in place for all the elders in your life. Narcissists will outlive you and complain that you inconvenienced them by dying before finishing your assigned tasks. My hope is that you are the guardian of your own health and happiness too.
Mil is manipulating too. It is not rare that a senior tells other family members that they are not being cared for properly. She too is using FOG to get her way. Sometimes you have to develop a thick skin and be prepared to take unfounded criticism from people who live at a distance and don't ever lift a finger to help. Many here experience that. I know it is hard, I go through it too, but I still do what I think is right for my mother AND for myself. You need to be a good wife and mother and person for yourself before being a good daughter and dil. and if you cannot do it all, your immediate family comes first. I agree with Jeanne - enjoy some freedom and time with your hubby in the next chapter of your lives. You have earned it. Your mil may say she is not taken care of, but, as long as you know she is fine in the NH, don't let that stop you.
Do your parents have enough resources to move into assisted living? That may be the best answer all around. If they insist on staying in their house, let them know they will have to hire help if they need it. Helping occasionally would not be bad, but totally taking care of a house takes a lot of work.
One of our members here has parents who are very old, but still living at home though they could afford assisted living. She has a wonderful philosophy. If they want to remain at home, they are responsible for their own decision. She helps as she can, but has strict limits on what she will do. I think she has the right idea. So many of us do far too much and end up losing any sense of our own lives. We don't owe that to our parents, even if they were good parents. Good luck and big hugs working through this.
My MIL IS demanding but she does not have all her mental faculties. I let the answering machine pick up often, but this is very upsetting to her. MIL accuses us of not loving her and tells out of state relatives we are not taking care of her. It has been a long and tiring road.
If your husband were to suddenly become disabled, or to die next year, would you be really glad that you took 10 calls from his mother per day and made numerous trips to your your parents per week, or that you finally took that dream vacation with him? If you wait until all of your parents die before you begin living your life together for you, you may never get to do it.
I really think you should be working toward spending less time on MIL. I don't mean to abandon her of leave her stranded without visitors, etc. -- but 10 calls per day is excessive! You live close so maybe several pop-in visits per week is do-able but should not be required and lengthy.
Taking care of your parents? No. You were not close to them and would be behaving mostly out of duty. Your duty is to see that they have shelter, food, and medical care. You do not have a duty to provide any of this personally. Work with your brother to locate local resources for them. Make it clear to brother what your limits are as far as what he can expect from you, and also make it clear that just because he is physically closer you do not expect him to take on a personal caregiver role.
Your parents can "insist" all they want. But you are no longer living in their house and you no longer have to conform to their expectations.
I wondered if your parents took care of their parents. A recurring theme in the current elderly generation tends to be that they didn't care for their parents, but expect their own children to provide extensive care. I always get surprised when I read parents that feel their children owe a debt that they themselves never did.
The only thing you, your husband, and brother can do is put your heads together and decide what each can do. Once you have limits on what you will and won't do, stick to them no matter how hard they get pushed. There is only so much each of you can do.
About your MIL -- I wondered what she can find to talk about to call so many times a day. That is abusing your good nature. Maybe your husband can talk to her about not calling so much. I wouldn't be able to get anything done if someone were calling me that often. I feel bad for your MIL, but she can't put the responsibility for entertaining her all in your lap. That is just not right. Maybe you can find reasons not to answer the phone -- in bathroom, charging your phone, playing with dog, etc. You have my sympathy. I hope your hubby can get her to stop doing that.
I don't think you can handle it either. Caregiving one person is hard enough and your mil sounds somewhat demanding.
According to Pauline Boss, a psychologist, it is not advisable for someone who has been abused to be a caregiver to the abuser. It is harmful to you. Your parents can expect what they like, but you do not have to go along with it.
There probably are resources in their community that they can access. To my mind, the most you can reasonably expect of yourself (though honestly I don't think you are obliged to do anything - it is your choice) is, with your brother, research the local resources and help your parents plug into them. They may eventually need to be cared for in a facility.
There are others here who will support you in not taking on anymore. (((((((hugs))))) and let us know how you are.
Why is mil calling 10 times a day. Don't take her calls. Talk to the care home staff about this, she should be busy with activities and socializing. When the doctor visits her in the home, call in for the visit.
Let your parents know when you're going on vacation so they don't worry about you, but there is no reason to give up your life because they are demanding and selfish.