I don't normally climb up on my soap box and preach, but this week I have 1,000 times been poked just hard enough to make that climb! Here goes... My 74 year old mother began accusing me of stealing her money. She is constantly hiding her purse, and goes into a raging fit when she can't find it. She then thinks that I am stealing her money. This goes on from the time we wake up until we go to bed! No amount or line of reasoning will convince her that I am not stealing anything of hers. She has even threatened to hit me! This non stop searching for her purse is driving me insane! She made no mention of having accused me, once I have found her purse. Perhaps she didn't remember she'd accused me. This is only a tip of the iceberg example of what I deal with, day in and day out. It was her keys last week... Just wonder what it will be next week??
Also, my mother has been so delusional for the past two weeks. She told me today that she could smell the food cooking on the stove, which of course, it was nothing cooking... A couple of days ago, she went into her bedroom to check on "her babies" sleeping... She see's people that isn't here on a daily basis.
My life in a nutshell... & the only thing I have to say about it is... screw you gently with a chainsaw alzheimer's/dementia disease!!! I hate you!!! *screaming this out loud*... I am sure I will get a lot of hacked off readers for this, but the beauty of it all is I really don't care. Being mature isn't always easy with being a caregiver, but it makes you feel better to just let it all out :)
sadly as we try to deal with this disease of aging we are constantly mired in guilt and feelings of inadequacy. thats frustrating and if i ever figure out why ill gladly share the reasoning. i cant make an ill crazy persons life meaningful or make them happy. its a fridge too freaking far..
also i think ive figured out another reason for the endless caregiver guilt we feel. we have an actual need to contemplate our life post - caregiver. to do that it feels like were wishing the elder would get sucked into a leaf chipper. then that visual makes you think you were being a bit harsh or callous .. well you werent, its a thought ever carer has - most of the time..
You are not Krazy or alone, so many of us have the same exact problem that you have. I had to take Mom's checkbook away because she would hide it and accuse me of spending her money and then SCREAM at me when she couldn't find where she had hidden it! I finally took it away and gave her a copy of it minus the actual checks.
Just like you this is only one instance, she wants to feed the dog incessantly and I have had to begin hand feeding the dog and making sure she has eaten all her food or Mom will try to feed her 20 times a day.....because she is sure the dog is still hungry!!!
Then by 1pm she wants to know what is for dinner and when am I going to get it going and I have to remind her that dinner is not until 5pm (which she set and it has to be strictly adhered to or the world will fall apart!)
Is it possible to always remind your Mom...."Oh Mom don't forget your purse"....every time she gets up and moves....like it's part of her outfit or does it have a shoulder strap so she can carry it around all day? We have a specific place for my Mom's purse and it is there ALL the time.
These are only a few of the many things my Mom picks on and does every single day and it drives me NUTS. I have heard that this OCD type behavior is normal for a dementia patient, but it doesn't make it any easier to handle.
My Uncle and others on this site have mentioned that there are medications that help with stopping this behavior. My Mom is not taking anything, but she is becoming worse and we are trying to find a doctor who may be able to help us find something to help her. I am just afraid it will dope her up and we will lose what small bit of her that is still remaining, in there somewhere.
I feel for you as I go this same thing every single day! I hope your day tomorrow is better and less stressful!
Gram never accused me, I was the only one she trusted. But she would accuse the caretakers, but they didnt take anything. Gram didnt have anything in home to really take. She had a bank account. She would hide her wallet and then get so nervouse and anxious about losing it. I searched all day long for her purse with her sitting in her walker (walker had a seat) following me around in hopes I would be her savior and find it. It was so frustrating. But I tried to do it with joy. When I finally found it, I told Gram and she was so happy and right away said "oh! now I have to find a place to hide it!" ..... my heart dropped....joy lost.... "Please gram, dont ever do that again!".
We finally realized Gram was FULL of anxiety. You and I would be too, if we REALLY BELIEVED, people were stealing from us, mean strangers were in our home, family members cant be trusted, losing independence, forgetting everything....we too would be so full of anxiety, we would have obsessive thoughts of how to hide our belongings..
My personal belief is that if they are suffering from anxiety, medicate...Im not saying overmedicate.. but use the smallest amount until you find what works. Find a doctor who will work with you. And we dont tell them what we are giving them (our loved ones)...we say, this is your heart pill, potassium....whatever....we finally learned that seroquel helped a lot...celexa for crying...and xanax...or ativan....cut pills in half or quarters (ativan)...start with lowest dose and work the way up. Xanax is so short acting....but it was helpful....
You say it so well about medication. They SUFFER from that anxiety. I have known people who would have had a much better life if they had been medicated 40 years ago!
I used to get angry and frustrated when I couldn't set her straight or make her see reality. My saving grace was to just go with it. If she asks about things untrue....my being married to the mayor, my new babies, my sons babies, etc..I just make up a reply and she moves on. If she accuses me of stealing I ignore, if I'm there visiting I may suggest places for her to look or help her look, but I no longer get worked up over it. She seems to move on when I change the subject. When she tells me about her hallucinations (her dr boyfriend), neighbors being terrorists, national guard protecting her house, I just play along, let her tell me details (she has a vivid imagination and surprisingly, I now find the stories entertaining whereby I used to be shocked and alarmed).
So just ignore as much as you can, remember it isn't you it's the disease talking. Take a walk or find someone you can talk to, or just vent here. You'll always find someone who has walked in your shoes.
This site always makes me feel better and more confident.
See All Answers