First off let me tell you about mom she has stage 4 cancer, a colostomy and a tube in her kidneys which requires daily bandage care. When she first needed home care my 23 yr old daughter and I shared this responsibility. However recently I had to have knee surgery and all the burden of caring for us both fell upon my daughter(God Bless her). I am now able to help with my Mom but Mom only wants my daughter. If my daughter isn't available my mom will refuse my help then call my daughter incessantly telling her she needs her. This happens 24/7! I have tried explaining to mom that her granddaughter has a life outside of this and that I am more than willing to help her with anything she needs. To this I get "I need Jenny!". She won't let me change her bandage, although I have in the past, then cries that it hurt and needs changing. When my daughter is here she lays on the guilt. This has caused rifts between my daughter and I as well as causing my daughter and I both to feel resentment towards my mom. She throws these fits if she doesn't get her way. She will lock her door and refuse to answer the phone for days. This causes me panic cause I wonder if shes still alive as well as make me angry cause shes acting like a spoiled brat. Any advice on how to proceed?
To me the primary issue is the same as a previous writer, and that is what is your mother's mental status.
If she has stage 4 cancer then she has metastatic site other than her bowel. This could likely be in her brain or in an area that affects her brain function. If this is the reason for unreasonable behavior than no amount of planning, explaining, or getting a plan togethr with daughter os going to be effective. If this has been her behavior/personality all her life then it is also very unlikely to change.
So maybe it gets down to safety. Is she competent and does she have the judgement to participate and manage her care?
Doesn't sound like it.
If she will not allow you to be there and assist her, and your daughter can not anawer her every demand she need supervised care. Hospice can assess and perhaps add enough services to manage her care. If she is not ready for this then you need to talk frankly about your concerns to her MD. She does not sound safe from herself and her decisions to beliving alone.
I would first ask you if gma's cries for help in the middle of the night are legitimate or is she crying wolf just to get Jenny's company.
Gma must be very scared at this time not knowing how her illness will progress and how long she has to live. It sounds as though she would qualify for hospice and their social worker or spiritual leader may provide some comfort. They would also send out a nurse daily to change the bandages.
About the locking of the door and keeping you out for days at a time. next time she does that tell her to open up or you will call the police to break in to check on her if she won't allow you in. If she still refuses go ahead and make the call.
I do understand her need for Jenny as she has become a very reassuring presence for her. You I suspect are more business like. But it is what it is and very unsatisfactory all round so you and jenny need to get your heads together and decide the best plan of action.
Don't be suprised if she refuses hospice it can be very scary to have the thought of hospice coming in. It might help before raising the subject if you visit your local hospice office and pick up some literature on what they are all about. Reassure her that just because of her diagnosis she is not doomed to die within six months although she has a diagnosis that could make that happen. As long as her health continues to decline she won't be discharged when the six months is up although some people improve enough to be discharged and come back later
Have you ever encourage your mom to consider tipping your daughter for her work if she doesn't already do so? This may actually encourage your daughter in a positive way to want to go out of her way to help your mom more if she's not already too busy. Another alternative would be to bring in a home health care aid when your daughter can't be there
Now, seriously. Jenny is going to quickly find herself in a mess of her own making, due to her kindness. I assume she has her own life to live and while she certainly can visit gma and do what she'd like, for your mother to be throwing tantrums is beyond OK.
Just show up, do what you need. Ignore the whining, your mom is just being a child again and then leave. If she will not let you in, time for hired aides. It may take a while, but she needs to realize that granddaughter is not her caregiver.
I agree with changing ring tones for gma. Jenny was obviously OK with helping out, but gma is now being abusive with that goodness.
Go into seeing her with a plan of what the tenor of your interactions will be like and refuse to be pushed into anger or guilt. If she becomes demanding for Jenny tell her you love her, it is impossible for Jenny to come right now and your all she's got. If she becomes abusive tell her you can tell it is a bad time and you will be back in two hours to change the bandage. Be sure to text Jenny that you are with grandma and that she should expect calls. Grandmas calls should have their own ring tone so Jenny can ignore them without looking at her phone.
If her conduct continues explain you are committed to her care, but that if she feels you are not meeting her needs, she can hire help or arrange to go to assisted living. Point out that this is her life and that she must make these decisions for her care. You will do your best and expect your efforts to be appreciated, if she is unable to appreciate your love and care it is probably best for her to hire a professional. Say it gently, constructively with no apologies - ball is in her court.
Your daughter is an angel for helping as long as she did, because many grandchildren wouldn't. I sympathize with you, because we all want to make our parents happy. And especially during this difficult time I'm sure its not easy on your mom either. Maybe she thinks this is the only way she can get her granddaughter to visit her.
It is time to be firm and compassionate. Better to be upfront and explore alternate care arrangements. I can see the anger and resentment escalating and its just not worth it. Like the others said maybe its time for hospice care.
What is your mother's prognosis with stage 4 cancer? Would hospice be appropriate at this time?
Jenny should not be burdened with feeling responsible due to a manipulative grandmother. If she has time and wants to help - great. If not - grandmother will eventually have to understand. perhaps she also just enjoys seeing her granddaughter.
Try just showing up in your daughter's place. What would Mom do if she needs help, send you away? Be firm, because right now your Mom knows she can get her way. There is no harm to start using "theraputic fibs" to get our elders to do what is best for them and for the family caregivers. Does Jenny work? Tell Mom Jenny got called back into work.
If Mom complains about how her bandages hurt when being changed, just agree with her. And just agree with all of the other complaints. Then Mom will hopefully get tired of complaining because you aren't giving her something to fight about.
Since Mom doesn't have dementia, we really do need to put ourselves into her shoes. She lives by herself, alone all day. That probably isn't how she had planned her retirement. She can't hop in the car and drive herself to the mall, or to meet friends for lunch. She is dealing with age decline plus cancer. I wouldn't be user friendly, either. Does Mom have anyone else she can talk to, siblings or close friends?