Mom says Dad is getting better. Isn't that just wishful thinking?
Mom and Dad live on their own at home. Both are in their 90s. Dad was diagnosed with "dementia" 6 months ago (actually AD, but his doctor wouldn't come right out and say it). We know it had been coming on for years, but his doctor wouldn't do anything until my sister and I brought up the subject with him. Dad is now on Namenda and Aricept, which we think may have slowed the progression of his symptoms (constantly repeating himself, forgetting something we discussed just moments ago, fretting about totally inconsequential things, inability to plan even simple tasks such as deciding what to wear or performing any calculations, getting confused and disoriented in familiar places, etc.)
I've tried explaining to Mom that Dad's condition will eventually get worse and that she should be prepared to need more help or to move into assisted living. She is the primary caregiver. She now says Dad is getting much better. When I asked how, she says he is not repeating himself any more. Really? He's done that for several years. This I gotta see. My siblings and I all live several states away but have been spending more and more time with them over the past year. I'll be traveling there in a few weeks.
Anyway, is it possible to really see a reversal of symptoms with Namenda and Aricept? Or is she just building a case for them to continue living at home? They have long term care insurance and Dad is surprisingly open to relocating (although this varies depending on the day), but Mom stubbornly refuses, insisting everything is fine. I think the constant demands of shopping, cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc., plus caring for him keep her exhausted, and the situation is not sustainable. She gets some household help but it's minimal. She even tries to clean the house before the house cleaner arrives. Then she has to go lie down. Is she just in denial?
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Anything is possible. And it's a good thing you are going to visit soon. Your moms definition of getting better maybe different than yours. You say your mom says that dad is not repeating, that could mean different things. Your doing the right thing by visiting and observing your dad and mom and see what's going on. If you are the poa you can ask the dr of what he thinks .
Trust your moms opinion, she's with him daily. Have a nice visit with your mom and dad. Take care
Equinox
Two people in their 90's, the husband has dementia and the wife is caring for him and they live alone. Like you were wondering, in my opinion this is not a sustainable situation. Having a back-up plan might not be a bad idea. It would be easier to figure out a back-up plan now then in the middle of some health crisis. Mom is in her 90's and is caring for dad, also in his 90's, who has dementia. People half her age are on this website talking about how extremely difficult caring for an elderly person with dementia is. What happens to dad if mom gets sick?
Ruth, I know how difficult this is for you and good for you for being so hands on from a distance and getting there in person when you can. If your mom is in denial she may not be telling you everything, in fact I would be surprised if she were. When you go to visit it might be a good time to begin a dialogue about Plan B.
Definitely start your mom thinking about where she and dad will live. Explain how important it is to have a plan so that they're not scrambling in an emergency, with all their kids at a distance. Don't wait for a crisis!
On a side note, it makes me crazy when people have long term care insurance and then don't use it when they need it!! So many people suffer for the lack of it – just waiting until their money runs out and then being shuffled off to a nursing home on Medicaid! Tell you mom that she and dad bought that insurance for a reason and NOW is the time to use it. They wisely planned so that they could live very comfortably when they became frailer and now, for no good reason, she's choosing to limp along (dangerously!) in their current situation.
They have the luxury of choosing a better life, help them do it. Help your mom imagine them living in a supportive community – help available at the push of a button, the company of other women who are in the same boat; caring for their spouses. If your mom is still pretty spry, they'd probably be able to live in an independent apartment with some care for your dad. Depending upon their policy (and there are lots of different options, so read it carefully), their rent would be covered. Look for an independent living community that's not a CCRC (CCRCs require that both of them be pretty healthy to be accepted). FInd a rental community where they can add care as they need it and where they are used to helping couples stay together when they have differing health prognoses. Make sure the IL has a personal care or assisted living wing in case they should ever need it.
Good luck!
I used an image: When we ate young, our parents raise us and we keep that image a a hand in front of us with their faces in the back. With time,in our minds, the hand is in the same place, but... they are not they are moving, and eventually are totally diferent persons. With nothing to do with what they were. So, what we see is a fantasy, a shadow a mirage. I would be convince that that is the situation with your mom.
I would suggest to try (and is very hard and difficult) to see the real situation, to move behind the hand in front of you. In that manner you can operate in the most humane and correct way to benefit both your parents and your family. Your children and other younger people around are observing carefully.
That's very good advice about making plans for whatever happens. We really don't know how this will play out--whether there is a gradual decline or a sudden crisis--but at some point things will have to change. I don't intend to burst her bubble about dad's condition, but I can't let her think things are going to get better and easier. I'm trying to locate some classes so she can learn more about Alzheimer's. She won't go alone, but I think she will go with me.
Of course, you are right - that they need help and probably in a facility. But, you can't kidnap the elderly. I had to wait until Mother went to the hospital and then, make sure the doctor knew that she couldn't go home, alone.
I was really just wondering about the ability of Dad's medications to actually turn his symptoms around. If there is an improvement--even temporary--I'm glad to hear it. I'm just skeptical, I guess. And we still need to be planning for when things deterioriate.
Does your Mom have a Life Alert or similar button? My mother's worked well, although there are ups and downs of all the companies, on-line. But your mom could push it for help, if she should fall or become ill. My MIL hid a lot of the daily problems that she was dealing with, due to her husbands alzheimers. We only realized that later.
It is possible that Dad really is showing some improvement. It is also possible that Mom is engaging in wishful thinking. You'll be able to judge better when you visit.
Whatever kind of dementia Dad has, it will get worse over time. So having a contingency plan in place is important.
Does the long term care insurance cover in-home help?
Maybe your mom would agree to a "trial period" in assisted living, and once she sees what it is like, she will accept the change. I think that many elderly think that AL is like the nursing homes of years ago where people exist in drab, shared rooms with nothing to do and no freedom. Today, AL facilities have one and two bedroom apartments, some with full kitchens and are more like living in an apartment complex. The main difference is that there is always staff available to help with the "what ifs".
Agree with her, cheer her, but come home soon and often. Whatever you see, make notes, talk with the MD. Mom pre-planned her funeral this year and took great satisfaction in having control over it. There will be good days and bad days, let her focus on the good ones and share it with you.
After all, they have been together, through it all and as long as he is not too bad, Alz. can progress slowly and they may not need to separate.
Himself. Today they live in assisted living wholeheartedly is now under hospice care the Dr. stopped all meds. Including airicept, we have more lucid moments with him off the airicept now. Please consider moving your folks before they fall and are incapable of helping each other. Mom wasn't happy with the move
Dad didn't care as long as they were together. Mom always worried how it looked to everyone else. It took guardianship to make the move, but now they are in a safer environment then their own home. At home burners were left on, water left running, calls for help unheard
So my resolve is to help them however I can, to plan for what may come, and to help prepare them for that. I would love to move them to that beautiful independent or assisted living facility (it has both) that we visited a few months ago. People there looked happy, relaxed, and busy with their chosen activities. What you said about your mom worrying how it looked to everyone else sounds familiar. I think my mom likes being able to tell people they still live on their own at their age.
Bless you my friend and hugs for being there for your parents. it's a good feeling helping those that help themselves. We caregivers have a calling to help others, not just our family members but we reach out and help out.
Take of yourselves also, cause you are important to your mom and dad.
Equinox
My mom heard something on tv and thought it was a story about her roommate. And when she made the comment to a nurse aid, her roommate was not happy. That's the story I heard. I heard it the same way several times. My mom comes up with these wierd stories. She is wheelchair boun cause she is a fall risk, which she says she falls. But don't know the truth of that, cause she can't get up by herself. And she says she gets up by herself cause it takes to long for somebody to get there to help her. They become impatient in nursing homes. it seems that everybody needs something @ 4pm in the afternoon. And there's only one aid and the rest are feeding those that need to be fed. Nursing homes have there staff issues.
Take care
Equinox
Mom is on Namenda and her doctor, who has helped her a LOT in recent months, says she will not get better memory, but hopefully won't get worse as quickly.
I expect to end up in a NH, but I hope it happens after I am too far gone to care!