Mom is asking me, "Is it wrong to hate my children?" What do I tell her back?
It has been about 5 years since my mom has been estranged from her two boys for about 5 years. She says, "one stabbed me in the back and the other stabbed me in the heart."
I tell her back, "mom, you can be disappointed in them, you can be angry with them....but I don't think you 'hate' your children".
She says, "No. I really do hate them."
How do I deal with this? Has anyone out there dealt with this? She is 95 and one half;)
To make things worse, they both think I have brainwashed her, coerced her, and somehow MADE her think this way about her boys. Since she never talked to them, or told them her feelings, I can understand why they have these feelings. I she has sent them letters, I have sent them recordings of her yelling about them, and her talking to a friend, but they STILL blame me for our family being destroyed. (These words coming from the NEXT generation, their kids, that have never visited her, called her or written to her) They are just taking their actions from their parents who never called, visited, or wrote.....except for the 4 holidays where EVERY parent gets a call.....even the ones who beat them to an inch from their lives. Mom was a GREAT Mom and yet they both found no time for her.
Anyway, back to my FIRST question.....what should I say to "Is it OK to hate your children?"
6 Answers
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Tell her, “ it’s okay to hate someone and be devastated at their actions, but it’s also ok to love them and let others love them. Emotions are complicated.”
You, however, probably should cut off contact with them, if you can. You don’t need that emotional abuse.
All the best.
Also, you are there, in the crossfire.
This, of course, does not make their beliefs true.
You know what caused the estrangement, do you? Would you say your mother has reason to hate these people?
I don't think you can answer your mother's question, beyond the platitude - I think it's true but it's still a platitude - that what you feel is what you feel and it can't be "wrong" to feel it. What you *do* about it is a different matter... but your mother is 95. There's not much doing to be done, one way or the other, is there?
I should try not answering her as such, but prompting her to say more. It may be that details emerge that you can say or do something comforting or constructive about.
If I could only give ONE piece of advice it would be this:
NO MATTER HOW SURE YOU ARE that one person in the family will be the best person to control the family's finances, DO NOT DO IT TO SAVE MONEY. Pay an expert to do it that has no has no interests in the account.
Thank you to everyone that has been there for me these past 5 years. I appreciate you all!
Thank you for answering. I have cut off contact with them. Unfortunately once or twice a year some financial things come up where the 4 of us need to agree about an expense. It is so easy to get whipped up in all the same anger, resentments, and terrible situations from 5 years ago. I try my best to "let it all go", but I think I am not alone with how hard that is when relationships were destroyed. The hardest thing for me was that I USED to have a good relationship with one of them, but he went 100% behind the other and left me waving in the wind. I now consider him a coward and someone that can't think for himself when the chips are down. Oh well, his loss, right?