She's in her mid 80's, stopped taking all of her meds about 6 weeks ago. She changes the story on why as it suits her. She wants to go home, wants to drive, wants to handle things her way. I tell her that isn't all up to me. We have to follow the recommendations from her doctors. That leads to her saying if she can't drive there will be TROUBLE. I do have POA and can arrange for care. She turns away home health on a regular basis. She's starting to lash out at a nice woman who drops in to help out during the week. I live an hour away and have been up every weekend to check on her and her house. I can't maintain that. Twice a month is all I can manage mentally and physically. I feel trapped in all of this. The eventual solution is clear. If she won't cooperate with home health and lashes out at those who are trying to help her, her time at home will be short.
I just recently realized that verbal abuse, physical abuse, neglecting to protect me from abuse, constant put downs, and only being treated well when she gets what she wants when she wants it are not symptoms of depression. And I'm her only functional kid. And I have POA. I know just from the abuse she's thrown at me already about driving and not having "strangers" in her home that I'm not able to take much more. How do I explain that to the people that are making decisions on her care?
You have to be very firm in not letting them talk you into taking her home.
Your mother sounds a lot like my mother was (she has passed). She was the fourth parent my wife and I cared for, and the only narcissist. She only became worse and much more abusive toward the end. E.G. as revenge she reported me as abusing her because I would not bring her home. After that I would not visit her alone so there was always a witness to my visits.
Do not let her permanently destroy your health like my mother did to me. Stress kills. It took me a long time to find out I could only help with her needs, not her happiness or personality.
It is easier if you trigger the POA as far as decisions, but remember the POA does not make you totally responsible for her. It just gives you the power to make health decisions and/or manage finances (depending on the type of POA). It is not an honor.
One of the last things my mother said to me was "I did not really want you, but I kept you because I thought your father did. " That explained a lot.
Good luck. Use this great forum regularly. it helps.
I've learned the same about not being responsible for their happiness... It took me a long time to realize this, because of always trying to 'please' ... I thought that way I would be 'accepted'... (loved... ha!) everything only got worse and I became an outcast with my whole narcissistic family. I'm still 'caregiving'.... and, also POA... (lucky me)...
getting back to 'Mint's' post here... I totally agree that we have to be very careful with our health... I also found that stress can lead to all kinds of health issues... (It's not just a cliche like many people think).
Mint: Please take care of yourself... keep strong... ❤️
PS Exercise (at home) and meditation, especially before bedtime is helping me...
You should talk to your mom and let her know when you're able to come by and for her to stay at home by herself, she will need to allow help.
Let her decide if she wants a Make or Female Caregiver and decide what would be nice for her to have help with.
Maybe she can get by with just having a companion a few hours a day.
As far as the meds go, most Seniors are on far more meds than necessary.
Tall with her and her Dr and decide which pills are absolutely needed or she will die and let her take just those.
Youtdoor be surprised what meds she canine just fine without.
The least mecs the better. You take this and you need to take this for the side effects then you need to take thst for the sides effect of the other and so forth and so forth.
Devidence what a pill is being taken for and what wojld happen if she didn't take it and if she would have already died before that would happen anyway.
My 97 yr old Dad stopped taking all his meds 4 yrs ago and all his vital signs are good with every check up. All he had to have was a Cathiter because of his enlarged prostate which he took pills for to help him pee but as far as the other dozen med's, looks like he really didn't need them after all.
If she does not want help at home and you can not care for her she can not be discharged to go home.
She needs to be told that it is either accept the help from a caregiver OR she remains where she is.
I could go on and on but the 2 options pretty much limit the conversation, as they should with your mom.
Your mother sounds exactly like my mother. Unfortunately I had to wait until she declined to a point where she no longer had capacity. I contacted APS to report my concerns so those concerns were on record (they did nothing). My mother was recycled through the hospital, to rehab and back home to rot before any action to keep her safe could be taken.
My advice is to try and take care of yourself and not be sucked into this endless pit of negativity. This could be a long journey and it’s just the beginning. Think hard and long about taking on her POA. Believe me if I had known, I would have taken a look at having a state guardian take over. Get some counseling and set strong boundaries. The stress will make you crazy and take a toll on your physical health. And keep us posted.
Wheelchair and oxygen but she’s going to do all these activities.
Her long term home care insurance would not pay for 2 aides, and she’s more apt to listen to a male attorney, then family, due to her narcissism.
She said the exact same delirious things.
It’s very wearing on the spirit so take time for you-
I'm in the exact same boat! I feel your pain, stress, misery, and aggravation. I've been taking care of my dad for very many years and notice the decline in his cognitive abilities. He was in AL for 2 1/2 weeks from a fall, UTI and sepsis.
The home said he was fine and able to go home alone as well and of course, drive! My estranged brother and the home seem to think my dad is sharp as a tac! Yeah, right! I brought him home on Tuesday. Have been super cleaning his home and no where near finished. But it's uncluttered and easy for him to use a walker now. The first thing he said: No napkins, Rose what do you do with all the napkins? I never seen napkins in my lifetime. I needed the chuckle. But he is the same way. Won't take his meds, won't shower or take a bath and won't drink a drop of water. He has his car keys and I'm sure he'll be out and about first thing on Thursday. My hands are tied as well. I'm in the process of getting him evaluated. My dad does handle his own bills but not much else. Date/time/year as well. We live a little under an hour away and yesterday we went from home to his house 3 times. It's very difficult. It does seem like we're the crazy ones, eh? I just wonder if dementia can get better now they're at home.
I do hope things get better for you.
Give him alternatives for the rest.
When I found myself at 'beck and call' - the resentment built & I found it was time to reassess!
When I started saying NO, it was quite funny how different the responses were. The *reasonable* said "OK. I will ask other people too". The *unreasonable* however just kept on hinting, asking, manipulating, insisting "But I want.... XYZ".
Find your own line - between assisting someone to live independently & enabling someone to live alone, dependantly.
I suggest you talk with a lawyer that deals with elder law about using your POA since your mom will do things that are not in her best interests. She may need to be placed into a facility to keep her healthy and safe. Start looking for places that take dementia patients with mental health issues - they aren't many.
As long as no one has deemed her incompetent, there's not a lot you can do. Even the POA wouldn't be active, as you noted (per the bank.) That includes using it to hire people (if they are being paid from her funds - you shouldn't be using your own!)
You can't "place" her, you can't stop her from being discharged (she can discharge herself.) You CAN refuse to do anything that she needs done, including providing a ride home. Let her or the NH arrange that - you aren't available, period!
I wouldn't recommend revoking the POA yet. At some point you may need it and it will be legit, but if she's not competent, she wouldn't be able to assign it at that point.
So, let her go home. Let her make stupid mistakes. Let her get rid of all her "help." None of these are considered being "incompetent." Plenty of people ruin their own lives making stupid mistakes. In the meantime, stop going there. We can't force another person to do what we would prefer and there's no point to making yourself miserable along with her. If she needs food/supplies, she can hire a taxi or equivalent or have it delivered.
Until/unless she's deemed incompetent, your hands are tied. Even with dementia we can't force them to do what we want, like moving to facility (per our EC atty.) I would stay away. At the most, I might, if she tones it down, help with the food/supply delivery, and maybe a ride to medical appts now and then, but it might take some time before I'd commit to that! My mother (early dementia) wouldn't let the aides in (only 1hr/day to check on her and meds, nothing else!) She could get nasty when she wanted, but generally she appreciated me helping (we took the car away, that didn't go well!) I live 1.5 hrs from where she was, so I know how taxing it is to make multiple trips! I REALLY burned out dealing with the condo after she moved to MC (2.75 YEARS of multiple trips/week!)
live your life during this season of life.
Do a search in her area for AL facilities make the trip and note the 2 you like the best and tuck them in your pocket for when the time comes - which may be sooner than later. You don't have to let mom know you are in the area. She will still be a distance away and you can caregive from a distance without ever seeing her again, if that is your wish. You can advocate so that she gets what she needs.
When the last caregiver has thrown in the towel contact APS for a wellness check or the Council on Aging or whatever they call it where mom lives to see if they can do a needs assessment - of course mom may kick out the social worker.
If worse comes to worse call the social workers in your area and tell them your mother needs assistance but you can no longer act as her POA.
Even though she is your mother - she is not allowed to abuse you and you don't have to put up with it. Take care of yourself because you are worth being cared for. I wish you all the best in the world.
The nursing home says she's okay to go home and live alone. They also saw the mean targeted at specific people. Since she's okay to be there alone, that means that if she starts lashing out, all of her caregivers can leave. I've spoken to everyone who's getting paid and made it clear that they should leave if she gets mean and not to reward any tantrums.
She can still manage her finances. I spoke to the bank and until she's diagnosed and declared incompetent, i don't have poa for either parent because Dad has a contingency poa. But she thinks I do in terms of living at home and medical care. The car won't start. I failed to maintain it while she was away. Not so much by design but because I just had so much going on. We've also misplaced the keys for now. I don't have the authority to sell it, but I'm skilled in making cars not run.
My gut is she won't make it at home. It means cooperating with too many people. I can do the poa stuff from afar with her in a nursing home. And if she's okay to be at home, I can keep my distance, too
Good! If she's so smart and competent, she'll have to figure out how to get it to work. You play dumb,,,
The good side of this is she can't make you do anything either. Cut your visits down to what is manageable for you. I went from visiting weekly to not having seen her in person for years. She's still chugging along, firing any caregivers well meaning family hires, and just being a generally whiny person who won't listen to reason. When she neglects herself to the point that she needs a trip to the hospital that's when you can step in and try to get some better care in place. Until then you can work on your own boundaries. Decide what's best for you, balancing your desire to be a "good person" with caring for yourself too.
Ask that they facilitate emergency guardianship by the state, or, if they deem her competent to run her own affairs, that you will not be involved in any way.
There will be NO solution as long as others think YOU are the solution (quoting Beatty)
As to being POA for your Mom, I would not serve this function for an uncooperative woman who abused me. I did this for my beloved brother. It was a job! And he was the best guy ever.
I would talk to an elder law attorney about hiring a fiduciary to handle bills and finances. They get paid out of her funds. I would not continue as POA unless Mom was in care. If she is incapable you can report her as an elder in need to APS after resigning as her POA. Many people do not have children. They are on their own in these things. Eventually the state takes guardianship. As far as I am concerned that should be the result of abusing children, as well. They are simply not "there" when finally needed.
That's my own opinion and many will disagree. I feel no obligations by blood, only by love and caring.
I wish you the best. I think that if your Mother has any competence left at all you might consider sitting with her and telling her her options where your own "services" to her are concerned. But that's just me. Whatever your choices for your own life I do so wish you good luck.