My Mom has that ability to "turn on a switch" when she is around friends. How can I encourage her to flip that switch on around us?

(sorry. I am using my phone and when I asked for the't', I posted instead.)...children cannot deny her capacity is diminished. She cannot usually recognize her children. I am sad for her and her children. I know how difficult it is to enjoy someone who is frequently impossible to reason with. I hope you can find some joy in your mother's presence and comfort knowing that you are being a loving and caring daughter. All my best wishes.

My mother-in-law had similiar behavior. None of her children believed she had any challenges whatsoever. Even my husband was in some denial. It hurt that she would be so mean to those trying to keep her safe and lie about us to others. It is sad that in little more than a year, she has declined to the point her children were fearful she might not live through the Thanksgiving holiday. Her children can no longer deny here

Thanks to all for your comments and suggestions. I can certainly relate to what chuff111 said but I didn't know how to put it into words. My relatives and friends, and her doctor just didn't understand because Mom always seems so "normal". Thanks again my wonderful support team!!

Chuff, I had same problem with my mom at the doctors. Brought her in for incontinence and when they asked her how often she experienced leakage, she said she never had it and didn't know why she was even brought to the dr. So, lesson learned: I called prior to her next appointment and explained the issues with the nurse so she could put a note on my mother's chart as to why we were there for the visit. I also had them flag her chart that she has Alzheimer's and was not a good medical historian (which is why I would be present at the visit). This worked well. What also worked though was as my mother was denying any incontinence (and refusing to wear depends) to the doctor, her bladder let loose right there on the exam table. Case closed. Veiscare worked wonders and there is no longer a problem.

Dear Dejavu: Believe me, I've done all of those things, except the affidavits. I've kept a list of her wacky behaviors and submitted a Caregiver's Report when she started going downhill in January of this year. She still drives, which she shouldn't be doing but, by getting her admitted to the NH, I knew I'd be taking care of 3 things at once: 1) she'd be in a controlled environment, 2) she'd no longer drive, and 3) she'd no longer have access to her money or car... or so I thought. I also thought that my Med'l POA would trump whatever she said, but THOSE SO-CALLED PROFESSIONALS decided that my 84-y-o manipulative, lying, mother who is NOT of sound mind (hence, the POA) is capable of making her own decisions, so they DISCHARGED her this past Monday to people I DON'T EVEN KNOW... and you're right--they totally disregarded a NeuroPsychiatrist's Dx because "she didn't exhibit those behaviors" while in their care. My response was, "Well, even if she is switching those behaviors off and on, that's STILL a mental illness. Call it what you want, but she needs to be in a controlled environment b/c SHE is out of control!" They disagreed.
Believe me, when I've recovered a little from the past 2 weeks, I will be calling a lawyer. Thanks for the encouragement. It's so friggin' exhausting when the people you taken them to for HELP are working against the CG.

To help get someone deal with incontinence, think back to when your kids were being toiled trained. Give them a drink of water, take them to the bathroom, and turn on the sink faucet. I just read something recently that paradoxically, dehydration can make incontinence worse, and drinking more water during the day often helps. Probably makes the urinary system healthier--worth a try!

Mary Rachel- As partsmom suggested, if a UTI has been ruled out, I would find out about getting your mom on a timed schedule for toileting. If they track when she urinates and when she doesn't, they can find out the best frequency for her and put her on that schedule. Of course, everyone is different and needs an individualized plan. With my mom, I made the mistake of prompting her every 2 hours (because I thought since she was having 4+ accidents during the day that she needed to go more frequently) but in her case, every 2 hours backfired and resulted in mom retaining her urine all day! It was very weird. Every 4 hours worked for a short while, with 1 or 2 accidents during the day, but now she's back to saying she can't go, while on the toilet, and only goes in her Depends except upon waking.Nocturnal urinary incontinence (no infection) came on quickly for my mom as well, then it mysteriously went away on its own for about 2 weeks, and then boom... came back with periods during the day and every night like gangbusters Now it's day and night, except the recent switch in meds from Oxybutynin to Vesicare has helped mom avoid nighttime accidents and she has actually gone to the toilet (after prompting) upon waking in the morning (hasn't happened in weeks-so the med is working at night anyway). It's strange with the morning thing since for a few months now, changing sheets was pretty routine and always a wet undergarment (using 2 actually at a time at night)...but the last 3 mornings it's as if when she awakens, her brain has forgotten to forget! Dementia has a lot of dimensions that's for sure...many of which I'd like to kick to the curb:) Well, hang in there. I can only imagine how tough it is to be single and going through this with your mom.

I'm sure that's a worry about your mom falling, so hopefully the alarm works well to get someone there to help her asap. It sounds like you're doing all of the right things by talking to the aides and getting to know the staff. I would call to talk with the nursing supervisor if you have questions about shift changes and to check about getting a copy of the nurses' weekly shift schedule. From the little experience I've had, the nursing supervisors are usually very helpful and responsive to meeting the needs of their patients. As supervisors facilitate and implement, it's a good approach to letting the staff know you're involved with your mom's care. This sounds cheesy, but you might consider taking in something for the nursing station, as a thank you gesture. If you find out any of the staff are bonding with your mom or have done something special for her, I'd make sure to take it in when that staff person is on duty.

BTW- I know how thin those pads can be too, and I'm assuming they're really made for those who have stress incontinence-when only a small amount of urine comes out upon sneezing etc. They are of no use (even 4 doubled up I learned prior to using generic brand of Depends) for those with total urinary incontinence that's for sure.

It might be the change of environment that has your mom off a bit, and I'm sure you're stressed as well. Many posters have suggested making sure their loved ones have their room decorated with things from their home-and that something new isn't better than something familiar. Familiar pillow throws, comforter, shower curtain, pictures, anything that makes them feel more secure. Take care of yourself and good luck with everything.

This would seem obvious, but has she been checked for a UTI (urinary tract infection). That can cause incontinence and be very painful as well.

Chuff - what have you found on the urinary incontinence? I had to put my mom in a home as I am single and unable to take care of her 24/7. I had her placed in a dementia home first but that was way too scary for me. I think they had psych patients there as well because one grabbed me so I moved my mom to a regular facility.

I allowed them to alarm her bed and keep her in an alarmed chair because she was getting up to use the restroom (and walking around the facility) without her walker. Two weeks later she wet her diaper in my car. The ones they use are super thin and huge. If not I might not have had a clue.

Can someone become incontinent in two weeks? An observant CNA thought it was odd too, she noticed that my mom came into the facilities wearing panties when she moved in and suddenly she was being called to change her. Unfortunately, she doesn't get the same CNA all the time. I still haven't figured out how the shifts work.

Anyway, that is why I am curious what you have found out about incontinence.

My mother also flirts with men all ages. Sayes stuff out loud like " D*mn look at that handsome waiter ! He is sharper than a mosquitos peter ! That's why I carry my house deed with me! I turn beet red. That would be MY mum. !

Ratherbefishing I so agree with you. And now this new " showtiming surly is a appropriate term I've learned. It fits my mom so well she is so charming and pleasant around EVERYONE but the ones who live with her. It use to amaze me.. I couldn't even show my brothers exactly how she acts. But they now know after she spent a weekend with each of them. They were shocked still now they are in denial about our mum. And hide away as much as possible. And u know what ? Personally I'd ratherbefishing in ..Alaska ! Blessings.

This tread has been so therapeutic for me personally. I've shared it with my sister and we both are thrilled to have the names for what we are going through with our 91 yr. old toddler. Just yesterday mom had a dentist appointment and she was so confused but flirted with the young dentist to the point that the dentist and young assistant were uncomfortable. They would look over at me for any answers since they realized I wasn't exaggerating about the Dementia and Showtiming. It feels so good to have a name for it now. Thanks!

He is a regular family practice doctor. Ye
s she does need a specialist.my niece who works for Promises Rehabilitation in malibu said they give their patients seroquel because they wake up upset and have anxiety and other issues. And it helps them feel better and calmed down with out being sedated. Is anyone else familiar with this medication. And thank you all so much for your comments.. Blessings.

My mother's MRI looks "normal" for someone of her age, but an MRI doesn't address anything other than physical conditions. Mom's forgetful, irritable, all the dementia signs..evaluated in a rehab center she was deemed to have mild to mod. dementia.

Baxterrj, what is her doctor's specialty? He may be an expert on physical conditions and even able to accurately read an MRI, but he doesn't appear to be qualified to make a diagnosis of her mental condition. A specialist would understand that dementia sufferers often act normal at certain times or around certain people and most especially when they are with outsiders & strangers. If we on this board have figured that out, then why can't the experts?

My mom recently had a MRI of her brain. The doctor told us her mental capacity is normal for her age and she shows no signs of dementia or or senile..Really ! My brothers and I cannot believe it. She forgets everything. Loses stuff She knocks on my door late at nite talking about " insnt it my d*mn birthday " which is in November and its June. Really. Lies on us leaves water on in bathrooms . she recently flooded the kitchen. Left front door wide open..I realize people age differently my neighbor is 90 he still runs his assisted home goes to market drives back and forth from LA to Pasadena everyday. And my mom who is 81 passed a memory test at the doctors office. Smh.. How she did that I'll never know.

I cannot believe how much this thread has helped me to look at my mother in a more dispassionate way! Understanding that she is "on stage" for certain people (even people in the family) and OFF it for some of us is helping me to not be so hurt when she's mean to me or speaks ill of me to the rest of the sibs. I'm not letting her do this to me anymore. Sadly, as I look back, she's been like this all my life. The only thing that has really changed now she's in her 80's and quite frail is that she is less aware of her "stage".

Control and manipulation is the a behavior often exhibited by those diagnose Dementia/Alzheimer. My mom is the classic case. Her adorable snap-shot would be displayed next to the term in PDA! The differing array of effects on individuals makes the disease seem "all over the place"; but manipulation is manipulation. By its very nature it requires control of ones cognition. Keep your sanity and stop being mistreated by someone you are helping!

KayBee, what kind of gambling does your mother do---lottery? casinos?---and how does she get around? Sounds like she needs someone tailing her and recording her actions. I know that sounds so sneaky, but you need proof of her destructive behavior. You could also get written affidavits from everyone who has been witness to or affected by her erratic conduct.

Also, it sounds like those so-called "professionals" at the hospital need to be written up. When a licensed neuro-psychologist delivers a diagnosis as serious as the one made on your mom, they have no right to cavalierly dismiss it. Threaten lawsuit if you must, but expose those clowns for the incompetents that they are. They sound like lazy SOBs who don't want to be bothered with the paperwork involved with declaring someone mentally incapacitated. Best of luck reining your mom in.

First time I've read of anyone else experiencing the "turn on the switch" issue. My mom exactly, and although I'm the only sibling who lives in the same town and does everything possible for her, I'm the evil one. Funny, thoughI was able to do all the right things with my father who suffered from dementia, before he passed away in 2013, it is so much more difficult with my mom. This wasn't supposed to happen to my mom! My mom is too strong for this. I need my mom. Who will I call when my recipe doesn't work out? Willows hit it spot on when she related her daughter's advice to let her father be. Exactly what I was able to do with my father, but again, not my mom. Seems I want to save her! Got to go back to the old advice. Good luck, Chuff, and remember, we are not alone! Blessings!

Follow up on that state paperwork, it should result in a competency hearing with a Judge. Hopefully Guardianship will be established.

PLEASE help. TALK ABOUT "showtiming"!! Mom (84), who was living w/me for a year until end of July when I ended up in hosp for a week with very HBP, chest pains, etc (burnout), then she moved in w/her brother. Six weeks later, now he's told her to either sign financial POA over to me (I have med'l POA) or move out. This is the 5th place in a row she's been kicked out of. She gambles so much that there's $400-$500 unaccounted for out of her $823 SS check each month.
The day after he told her this (Weds, week b4 last), she called me 21 times 'til I answered the phone. I told her I'd make phone calls the next day. Her response? She went to get a pedicure and went gambling.
The reason this situation applies to this thread is b/c she has pulled her "showtiming" w/almost every dr I've taken her to, so my Uncle and I finally took her to the Geriatric Behavioral Unit this past Monday. We spent about 7 hrs in the ER. I won't go into details, but that was handled poorly.
I brought them the Diagnosis Sheet from the NeuroPsychiatrist at The Neuromedical Center I'd taken her to that showed Psychosis w/Delusions, Cognitive Difficulties and Depression.
The next day, a social worker called and said that there was nothing wrong with her. Later that day, I spoke to my Mom's sister (who is also her closest friend). She was kicked out of her sister & brother-in-law's home before she came to live with me (I had 12 hrs' notice). My Mom hates this bro-in-law with a passion. Mom had recently called her sister and asked, "If I buy the poison, will you give it to him?" My aunt said "no," of course. So, I passed this info onto the SW at the hospital. I had also sent them a 3-pg Caregiver's Report that I had prepared for the NeuroPsych for our first visit.
We had a family meeting at the hospital (my uncle & I) with the SW, the psych and the Head SW this past Thurs. First, they said they didn't have to honor my Medical POA because my Mom isn't incapacitated. I intentionally left those words out for this purpose, as every dr my Mom has seen has spoken to me over the phone before or after every visit SO THAT we could speak outside of Mom's presence.
Secondly, they said they could NOT use the NeuroPsych's diagnoses b/c Mom hadn't shown any signs of psychosis and/or delusions, and certainly not dementia.
They downplayed the HOMICIDAL part by saying something like we had to prove that she had the "means" and the "intent" to carry it out!! How much does rat poison cost?? It's probably in her car!!
They said that would submit an application on her behalf to the State to have her admitted to a facility, but they would not use any of her prior diagnoses. They wouldn't even CALL her current SW or NP, who had made home health visits; both of whom have seen various signs of dementia.
This is when Anosognosia (denial of illness) and Showtiming become dangerous, and I am at a loss, b/c she has (so far) refused to sign financial POA over to anyone, and I just found out that she has a PayDay loan out for $1200 and she cashed in her burial policy -- all for gambling. She's still in the hospital.

Thanks to everyone for sharing their personal stories and relaying helpful advice. This board is so valuable with insight from so many people. I will definitely look for that book in the library and I appreciate the suggestion to do so.

Mom saw her neurologist on Friday, and he's treating her for major depression. She scored a 13 out of 14 on a depression questionnaire (the only one she answered "no" to was about having suicidal thoughts). I'm very hopeful that the new med helps jump start her interest to do things again. She couldn't answer questions like what year it is, who the current president is, nor remember 4 things after a few minutes. The doc never mentioned dementia/memory loss/etc., although I'm assuming he knew it would be of no value to do so. I imagine my mom is like many others from generations who were "old schooled", and hold a stigma about having memory loss....likes it's something controllable or something of which to be ashamed. Certainly the doc could gauge by her answers and "non answers" where she is with her recall and storage. He also prescribed a different incontinence med, he said that the other bladder med-(Oxybutinin, previously prescribed by my mom's GYN) often causes confusion-yikes!

Good luck to everyone with helping their loved ones. Remember to take care of yourself, as others so wisely stated!

This is hardest, most demanding, and stressful but rewarding situation I have ever been in. I ran a medical supply for years and that didn't give me a window into what I am dealing with now . I know that I will have the satisfaction of the knowledge that I have done everything in my power to keep my 91 yr. old mom in our home until the day we are no longer able to. One thing this site had taught me that is invaluable is walking away from the tantrums and manipulation is alright. You don't have to negotiate:-) It reminds me of stepping over that tantrum throwing toddler and letting them kick and scream until they realize no one is listening. It is funny that my oldest daughter and I compare tantrums and manipulations between her little one and mom. It gets us both laughing and in a better mood to deal with it. Ahh the circle of life:-)

This reminds me of my kids--they could go to their grandmother's for a few days and behave absolutely beautifully. Grandma would brag about them to her daughter, who lived next door and whose kids were at Grandma's every day. Then when my kids came home, they'd be totally horrible for a couple of days. It's like tired child--it takes more energy to be good than not, and it's hard to keep it up for any length of time.

My mom does the same. Around her daughters, we saw the current mom...but my brothers got to see the mom of at least 10 years ago. I am her PCG and she forgets me often. She always knows my name but not that I am her daughter. I may be able to gt my brother to take for one week a year and after the second time , he told me that she did not recognize him. I said it happens to me all the time. He said that he knows but she had never recognized him. They also took her to dinner once and when she did not come back from the restroom, they found her in the parking lot. I notice that may mom gets worse when she is tired. Even now she has her "normal" times but anything out of her usual routine leaves her confused. As for her friends that only see her normal and question why you do not let her go for walks or vacations, all you can do is smile and say that is a good idea but she would enjoy it more with friends. When can we expect you to come? My mom got to the point where she would no longer go out with anyone. A much younger friend does come to visit her a couple times a month. During that time mom can normally be her old self but the friend is aware that mom has issues and if concerned, will text me if I happen to have been able to get out. Typically though they just have a good time together. Since your mom can still get out just enjoy the time off. AT some point she will be tired or something and they will see the "current" edition and the true friends will still be there for her and you.

Hi there, in regard to your frustration about your Mother being day and night I get it, I have moved my Mother into my home a year and a half ago, she can make me crazy with the same stuff you go threw. She is always different with me than anyone else, she can be weak and lifeless around me, I have to practically beg her to get up and walk or eat or do anything for that matter. Let the phone ring or someone drop by and she becomes someone I do not recognize
its oh I'm hanging in there, oh I'm just fine, oh yeah everything is going along real good. The minute we are alone again it is helpless no talking mother again??? It truly makes me want to scream, So with that being said I wish you luck I don't see how dementia can have such a switch??? Lucky us we were pick to see the worst and not the best good luck and remember you are not alone on this one. Laugh a lot than cry

My favorite story in this regard is from a woman whose mother had Alzheimer's. The mother's sisters (as I remember) came to visit and were most impressed. As they were leaving, they told the daughter the mother surely did not have dementia. When the daughter went back inside to her mother, the mother asked, "Who WERE those people?"

Video her at her worst to show the doctor, it will do wonders for the situation.

Allow me to clue you in, rfox 1960. I have made a huge, important discovery, and I would like to share it with you! I have discovered, much to my chagrin and thanks to my daughter who is sharp as a tack, that very often dementia patients LOVE attention. They know enough to love attention and they thrive on getting it and they'll get it any which way they can. I was beside myself trying to get my "feeble" husband to bed at night (he would take forever, one tiny step in front of the other until I was ready to scream), and it was my daughter who finally told me "Leave him alone. Go about your business and let him get himself to bed!" And she was right! I can't believe I have spent so many months tiring myself out, cajoling him, begging him just like I would a toddler. Then my daughter moved into our upstairs apartment with her husband, and I was saved by the bell!

If I try to take his arm (I'm learning not to now), he acts so feeble and helpless, but yesterday my daughter asked him if he'd like for her to take him for a ride, and he broke all track records getting to the car. I was so mad!!!

They know more than we think they do. I am not saying that they don't have problems with their dementia, but they can do more and know more than we think, and very often WE are the ones who place all the limitations on them.

We need to back off and let them do their thing. Another example, my husband often gets up at night, usually somewhere between 3:00 and 4:00 and wanders around and fiddles with paper and pen and moves stuff around and opens drawers, etc. I used to jump out of bed and cajole him into getting back into bed, and he made an international crisis out of it everytime I did this. Then my daughter said to me, "So what's the big deal? You don't have to get up! Stay in bed! Let him do his thing. So what if he sits at the table and scribbles on paper or opens drawers and takes things out to look at them? So what?"

So that's what I do now. Eventually he gets tired, crawls back into bed and sleeps for several hours more. He leaves lights on but so what?

Gosh, but I have one smart daughter! :)